AIBU to refuse looking after my sister's child during her honeymoon?

[NotHappyFamilies]

My sister is getting married in just over 2 weeks. I have helped her to organise her wedding and looked after her child when she has been to appointments and had wedding things to sort out. It’s a big wedding, she’s found it all quite stressful so I have done what I can to help.

I have booked 2 weeks off after her wedding because I feel like I need the rest after all the stress and I have leave to use. My husband and I are going away for 2 nights but we plan to chill out at home, get some things done around the house, go out for meals, have an evening at the theatre and just spend some time together.

My sister wasn’t planning on a honeymoon but her in-laws have just gifted them 2 weeks at their holiday home. Her partner was aware but it was a surprise to my sister until over the weekend when they told her.

We presumed they would take their child with them but yesterday they asked if we would have her when they’re away so they get a proper honeymoon. I must have looked horrified as my sister said maybe in-laws could have her for one week so could we just have her for one week.

I have said no as my husband and I also want to spend time together. My sisters child is 8 and although she is lovely, we’ll have to entertain her. Our children are older so don’t require looking after and we have had a stressful few months with GCSEs and the wedding prep. We just want to relax. My husband has also said absolutely no way.

My sisters in laws have contacted me to say that we can sort this between us and let my sister and new husband have a lovely honeymoon.

Are we being unreasonable?

Especially when the gifter of the villa is gifting SOMEONE ELSE’S annual leave/domestic labour as part of their package.

Why two weeks? They already have a child it’s not like they’re loves young dream discovering each other and locking themselves in the bedroom for the whole time.

It’s taking the piss. A week is more than enough.

I feel quite sorry for the poor child being left for 2 weeks. Surely one week would be fine for a honeymoon. I would help my siblings but you are under no obligation to. Suggest they for one week and then there problem is solved.

Stick to your guns op! Take your time off. The in laws and BIL should have arranged childcare in advance if there was an intention not to take DD with them. Sounds like it’s just your sister being an arse.

Enjoy your time off! And good luck to your DC with their GCSE results:)

But the sister was still aware of it

Can you and your husband book to go away? Have a lovely holiday to yourselves in one of those adult only locations?

It's really rude and presumptuous of them. I had a child when I got married...we only went away 'local' for two nights (at the insistence of my parents while they looked after them). Expecting childcare for two weeks and people trying to coerce you into it is so wrong.
Stand firm!

Your sister sounds selfish and not very maternal.

I don't like conflict so I would say that the plans have changed and I will be at work so can't help.

Apologies....my fault for not RTFT first! I see you're also a carer for your MIL so can't go far. No wonder you're exhausted, working full time, supporting with childcare, a mammoth wedding and being a carer for a vulnerable relative is really tough.

What you've got to watch out for is the groom's family just bringing the child over to you or not collecting her when it's their 'turn'.

In your shoes, I'd remain firm, I wouldn't agree to any childcare and I'd have lots of day trips and activities booked locally with husband so you aren't available. If you're home, there is a chance they would exploit that.

Or your sister could do the right thing and take her child with her!

So the only CF here is your sister since the groom fully expected the 8 year old to come with them. She's bloody selfish to not want to bring her 8 year old for a 2 week holiday (it's not really a honeymoon since they have been together for a long time and have a child) AND expect childcare for that period.

I would reframe this: "Surely Lisa should come with you to France- she would love that. We have already made plans for our holiday so can not accomodate you."

Stay firm and don't give in. I feel sorry for her child being left out. We married when my dc1 was four- he came with us on our "honeymoon;" holiday even though Mil offered to have him. Why should he be excluded? I think your sister is selfish and a CF.

Surely the in laws can sort it out between them? I would just say your plans have changed and your going back to work those two weeks if they pester. Stick to your guns. Not fair on the poor child being left home for 2 weeks they should be taking her!

Cant she take her child with her on honeymoon?

2wks in school holidays is taking the P. They should take their child with them. I’d offer a couple of days absolute max. Why should you use valuable AL time to care for her. No-one is owed a childfree honeymoon. Fair enough if family offer. My mum & in-laws cared for my brother’s girls when they went on honeymoon but they kept it to a week. I am more than happy to care for my brothers 4yr old for a weekend so they can get away on a break as parents too old / no longer here to look after kids now, but no way i’d do a week.

How do you reach that conclusion?

From the OP:

My sister wasn’t planning on a honeymoon but her in-laws have just gifted them 2 weeks at their holiday home. Her partner was aware but it was a surprise to my sister until over the weekend when they told her.

Wow. You and your DH sound very mean minded.

Most normal, family orientated people would have agreed like a shot. They’d be happy to.

You reap what you sow in life.

The ILs gifted the holiday so should also gift the childcare, or they’ll have to take her with them.

Are both those getting married your niece's parents? Or is this a 2nd partner?

2 weeks seems a long time to be abroad away from an 8 year old. DH and I have left our 2 (6 and 9) for 3 nights, but we have still been in UK. How does your niece feel about this? Is she getting a holiday this summer?

I would offer maybe a couple days max, ideally in the middle to give in laws a break.

No they wouldn't. Looking after someone's child for 2 weeks is a huge ask, especially just for a holiday.

Yes—OP is very mean. Between parenting her own children and caring for an elderly relative, she is bang out of order for not using her annual leave to provide domestic labour. Selfish.

There is also your niece to consider. At 8, 2 weeks away from your parents is a really long time. How will she cope with this? Will she be upset thst they have gone away without her? How will she cope with saying goodbye? Will she be upset at night/ not sleep well because she is missing them? Will she be bored in someone else's house without all her stuff around? Is she going to be generally tearful or miserable because she's missing them? If this is the case it's going to be really difficult to look after her, but also such a miserable time for her.

OP has two kids of her own who need downtime with her and caring responsibilities towards her MIL. She has supported her sister with childcare during wedding prep and when DNiece was younger.

Family minded does not mean one specific member of the family gets everything they want from you.

I think you’re being a tiny bit precious here. How can someone else’s wedding planning make you ‘shattered’? Are you the official wedding planner?
It’s a good coincidence that both you and DH have managed to get 2 weeks off work at the start of the school holidays at short notice - who was going to look after your own DC if you’d been working instead?
You're clearly close to your sister, so presumably close to your niece. In your situation I’d be happy to have her stay for a few days - maybe not the full 2 weeks, maybe 3 nights at the beginning and 3 nights at the end. She could stay with other relatives in between. She’s 8, not a baby, so it might be nice to spend time with her and your other DC.

Honestly, DSis is cheeky here. The ILs and soon to be DH tell her they are gifting two weeks in the holiday home and her response is “great, can you also look after little Suzy so we don’t have to take her?”

Poor 8 year old. 2 weeks a long time to be shipped off elsewhere. The fact they even want a full 2 weeks pretending they don’t have a child is sad.

If you want to call the OP mean-minded, why not call her sister selfish.

The OP works full-time.
She hasn’t had time-off since Christmas.
She has spent a lot of time helping her sister with wedding planning.
She has two teenage children to care for.
She has plans already made for her two weeks holiday.
Herself and her DH have caring responsibilities for her elderly and ill MIL.

Her sister’s DP thought their daughter would go on holiday with them.
Her DP’s own sisters don’t want to look after their niece either.
They have been away on holiday before by themselves, so surely no big deal bring their 8 yo daughters with them.

Change the word honeymoon for holiday and it lessens the emotions around honeymoon. It’s just another holiday. They don’t have childcare and how many parents actually go on a two week holiday and leave their children home.

OP, stick to your guns in this.