AIBU to refuse looking after my sister's child during her honeymoon?

[NotHappyFamilies]

My sister is getting married in just over 2 weeks. I have helped her to organise her wedding and looked after her child when she has been to appointments and had wedding things to sort out. It’s a big wedding, she’s found it all quite stressful so I have done what I can to help.

I have booked 2 weeks off after her wedding because I feel like I need the rest after all the stress and I have leave to use. My husband and I are going away for 2 nights but we plan to chill out at home, get some things done around the house, go out for meals, have an evening at the theatre and just spend some time together.

My sister wasn’t planning on a honeymoon but her in-laws have just gifted them 2 weeks at their holiday home. Her partner was aware but it was a surprise to my sister until over the weekend when they told her.

We presumed they would take their child with them but yesterday they asked if we would have her when they’re away so they get a proper honeymoon. I must have looked horrified as my sister said maybe in-laws could have her for one week so could we just have her for one week.

I have said no as my husband and I also want to spend time together. My sisters child is 8 and although she is lovely, we’ll have to entertain her. Our children are older so don’t require looking after and we have had a stressful few months with GCSEs and the wedding prep. We just want to relax. My husband has also said absolutely no way.

My sisters in laws have contacted me to say that we can sort this between us and let my sister and new husband have a lovely honeymoon.

Are we being unreasonable?

Hey OP!
I am dumfounded some people feel it’s ok for you to give up your time off or as if anyone has the right to question what you want to do with YOUR two weeks off! You are not obligated to do anything for anyone with your two weeks of time. I say this as someone who has been in this position many times and finally learned my lesson. Piss taking at its finest sister or not.
I echo what other posters have said, you have children and become a parent that comes first, tough titty for a long arsed honeymoon. Suck it up buttercup. A weekend at most and she is lucky to get that!
My son was 18 months when I got married, we didn’t expect anyone to do anything. We had some help in the evening from grandparents but we all went back to our home and are yet to have a “honeymoon” 5 years later because we had a small child and I’m completely happy with that, wouldn’t expect any less. Any time away we go
together.

Your sister sounds like a little princess.

Enjoy you’re two weeks off :)

And why is GCSE prep so stressful for you? Surely it’s your child that took the exams?

@Jane143
It’s a concentrated period of providing emotional and practical support. It’s draining. Lucky you if you didn’t find it so - or perhaps you haven’t been through it yet?

Do you not think it’s OP’s sister who is being selfish asking her to give up her annual leave when she’s already being doing plenty of childcare during wedding planning?

There is no reason her sister can’t take her child on the holiday and take her to the beach and on picnics rather then just hanging around with her husband who was expecting his daughter to be joining them anyway.

I very much doubt two teenagers who have been focusing on exams and are probably looking forward to some down time, want to entertain a much younger child and I don’t think it’s fair to expect them to be put in the awkward position to have to do it if she wants their attention.

I looked after my niece and nephew a few times when my sister went away and they missed their parents and were bored without their home comforts and wanted constant attention and entertaining and didn’t sleep well at night.
I was exhausted after two days and refused to look after them longer when she asked. I love them to bits but didn’t enjoy it and neither did they.

OP and her husband have made plans to spend quality time together so I doubt he’d be keen on giving that up to look after his SIL’s child instead.
It would probably be stressful for the whole household and it’s not an emergency situation when the obvious solution is for the child to go away with her parents.

I don’t know if you just have an idealistic view and have never been in that situation or if you just struggle to set boundaries yourself?
it’s usually people who try to always “be kind” that get taken advantage of and then try to pressure others to be the same out of resentment or by thinking they are a better kinder person sacrificing their own time and resources for others.

I used to bend over backwards for people thinking that it made me a good person to always put others first then realised I was always the one giving.
It was so deeply ingrained I’ve had to have therapy to learn how to set boundaries.

I’ve realised it’s not selfish to put myself first when I want or need to and the majority of people will also usually put themselves first.
On most threads like this it’s inevitable the “be kind” people will comment and often they are the ones making unkind comments calling the OP selfish for not being a martyr.

I’ve noticed most of the expectations are on women as well and men don’t think twice to saying no and aren’t criticised for doing so.
It gave me something to think about the next time I was volunteered for something that wouldn’t be expected of by a man.

Take a week’s annual leave to look after their child?

No way.

Your BIL and his parents made massive assumptions.

I would just say yours and your DH’s AL is very precious and you have plans and won’t be taking time off work to childmind.

You have done a LOT of childcare for your DSis and BIL in the past and they are taking you for granted.

In-laws need to supplement gift with a nanny to go with your niece! Two weeks is too long and completely unrealistic. Hurtful even. Your time off is well deserved and precious.

The BIL did not, he was expecting to take his DD. It’s DSis who wants to leave her at home.

Did the BIL do this?

I think leaving an 8 year old for two weeks is too long, they should go for a week and then it's a few days with you and a few days with other family. It's nice of her in laws to allow them use of their holiday home, but it isn't exactly a gift really, they've just decided not to go for a couple of weeks. Kind but not a huge gesture, not as big a deal as two weeks of full time childcare would be.

And why didn't the sister check with everyone before booking the honeymoon?

“My sisters in laws have contacted me to say that we can sort this between us and let my sister and new husband have a lovely honeymoon.”

This is the bit that jumped out at me! Tell sis and her in-laws there’s nothing to sort out between you, you can’t do it. If the in-laws can’t do it either, Sis will have to either accept that they’re taking their daughter with them, which is what BIL thought they were going to do anyway, or not go for so long.

Out of curiosity, do the in-laws babysit their granddaughter very often?

Imo if you get married AFTER having kids, then you forfeit your right to a child free honeymoon. They can have a family holiday instead. Your poor little neice being expected to be passed around for 2 weeks among reluctant relatives.

Your sister and her in laws are being totally unreasonable here. As others have said if the in laws think a child free honeymoon is deserved, then they can provide the child care .

Because the sister didn’t book it, it was a surprise.

Don't be so ridiculous. OP has said:

'before my niece started school, I looked after her once a week to save them nursery fees. We also regularly babysit. My kids babysit too.'

This has been sprung on her by her sister's in-laws with two weeks' notice. Her PILs should have organised childcare before booking the holiday. They should look after their grandchild for the two weeks their son and DIL are on their honeymoonn as part of their 'gift'.

Surely this is just one of this things as a newlywed you have to suck up if you get married after your children if you don’t have childcare then to take them with you on honeymoon. 2 weeks is a long time for the child and for any adults babysitting them tbh.

I’m all for helping family out when needed, but this is just taking the piss. If the in-laws were expecting you to babysit, they should’ve checked you were available before giving this gift.

It was so rude of them to basically offer on your behalf and just assume you were available and willing.

Don’t feel guilty for taking your much-needed break; this is not your problem to solve.

OP had her children before her sister had hers and her sister never helped her with a single day of childcare. OP looked after her niece once a week before her niece started school and has done lots of babysitting for her sister. Her sister is the selfish one, not OP.

"Gifting" a holiday home for 2 weeks does not require a lot of effort, "gifting" 2 weeks of time and effort on child care is on a completely different level.

She is absolutely not being selfish and it’s attitudes like this that lead to things like burnout.

As someone who has suffered from burnout due to a very demanding job and allowing myself to be pulled in all directions in my personal life to appease the “be kind” crew, I can tell you that it’s no joke and that those annual leave days should be treasured because they can literally be the thing that stops someone from reaching breaking point; more often than not, staying at home and doing nothing is exactly what the doctor ordered.

Yes, GCSE prep can be very hard and stressful for parents - especially those ones that care about their children, so lucky you that you didn’t find it stressful or haven’t experienced it yet.

The rude and selfish ones here are the in-laws and OPs sister for just assuming that OP is readily available for babysitting for two weeks.

Either they should take their child with them or go for a week and the in-laws should include babysitting as part of their gift.

No way is OP selfish. She provided regular childcare for her niece before she started school and babysat a lot for her niece so that her sister and partner could go out. OP's sister has never provided a single day of childcare for OP's children.

As well as OP having a full-time job,she is also a carer for her MIL which must be exhausting.

Her sister's fiance expected that they would take their child on their honeymoon but it's her sister that is insisting on leaving her at home.

Is your BIL the dad or step dad?

Your sister sounds the unreasonable one if she's the one insisting that she doesn't want her dd to go. The sisters husband to be should insist they take her, at least for one week and get his parents to collect her from their holiday home! Yanbu

Have her a couple of nights and leave the rest to the grandparents

Some of us believe that it’s financially beneficial for women to be in a contract of marriage before entering into the vulnerability of pregnancy. And understand the logistics of being able to jet off on a child-free honeymoon as a non-parent.

It has fuck-all to do with Catholicism or the Church of England.

@NotHappyFamilies Could the reason she’s not taking your niece be BECAUSE she knows you have 2 weeks booked off work?

What would her solution be if you didn’t have annual leave planned? Ask her, and suggest she does that.

If it transpires that she’s only not taking her daughter because she knew you were off then you can legitimately tell her to stick it.

How patronising and so very clueless 😂😂