AIBU to refuse looking after my sister's child during her honeymoon?

[NotHappyFamilies]

My sister is getting married in just over 2 weeks. I have helped her to organise her wedding and looked after her child when she has been to appointments and had wedding things to sort out. It’s a big wedding, she’s found it all quite stressful so I have done what I can to help.

I have booked 2 weeks off after her wedding because I feel like I need the rest after all the stress and I have leave to use. My husband and I are going away for 2 nights but we plan to chill out at home, get some things done around the house, go out for meals, have an evening at the theatre and just spend some time together.

My sister wasn’t planning on a honeymoon but her in-laws have just gifted them 2 weeks at their holiday home. Her partner was aware but it was a surprise to my sister until over the weekend when they told her.

We presumed they would take their child with them but yesterday they asked if we would have her when they’re away so they get a proper honeymoon. I must have looked horrified as my sister said maybe in-laws could have her for one week so could we just have her for one week.

I have said no as my husband and I also want to spend time together. My sisters child is 8 and although she is lovely, we’ll have to entertain her. Our children are older so don’t require looking after and we have had a stressful few months with GCSEs and the wedding prep. We just want to relax. My husband has also said absolutely no way.

My sisters in laws have contacted me to say that we can sort this between us and let my sister and new husband have a lovely honeymoon.

Are we being unreasonable?

Awful for her DD to see her DM disappear on a shag fest with her new “dad” without her for 2 weeks. Keep on the no, how dare people try to steal your holiday time, I’d be outraged. Can you tell a white lie and say works got busy and you’ve had to delay your leave( then change your mind once they’ve taken off) and do your plan

Say no. You've made plans for your leave and cannot cancel as everything is confirmed. It doesn't matter whether you're out with friends or on the sofa watching TV, you've made your final confirmation of annual leave plans.

I don’t think he’s a step dad, he’s just her dad.

Definitely not unreasonable.

I say tell your sister "sorry, but we have made plans to go away and have some bookings that aren't suitable for an eight year old (nice resturant, theatre, things with teens etc etc)"

Another classic is to throw your kids under the bus and say that they're still struggling with post-GSCE crash, or need to revise if midway through a course.

Fitting in an eight year old when your own children aren't in that stage of life is far more difficult! I have to wonder how frequently all those saying they would in a heart beat have actually taken care of a much younger niece during annual leave.

Why can’t they go away for a week and let the inlaws take care of the child ?
There is a child involved they don’t have the luxury of having two weeks off
They are taking the piss

I think you are right and it is a lot of the things you mention.

I don't think marriage solves many of those issues, nor, to be clear, do I think you can't be a good parent without it. But I do think it acts as a brake on some of the recklessness with which relationships are navigated these days, and I do think at a certain level it seeks to bring assurances and stability to the raising of children.

But now we are derailing op's thread! The "don't let your cross get caught up your fanny"(or whatever the wording was!) comment was, however, too bigoted to let pass unchallenged.

I'd do this (a week) for my sister, but I'd try rope in the rest of the family to help.

Why didn't they sort childcare before booking the holiday or did they just assume?

@PrettyLittleRose Well due to Covid we married 18 months after the birth of our daughter - made zero difference. We wouldn't have had a snazzy honeymoon anyway and as it happens our "honeymoon" was a long weekend away with our daughter in the UK.
So no - wasn't essential for us to be married before we had our daughter.

Of course not

thats a huge ask

if they want to help them go on holiday then I suggest they do it all

tuck no would I be doing that!

nope.

You've done plenty of babysitting. Plus the babysitting you did in the run up to the wedding

You've done enough. She should be grateful for all the help you've already given.

Don't be guilted into agreeing. Someone else can look after their child. If not, they'll have to take her with them.

You need a break. Make sure you get one. Annual leave is such a precious commodity these days. It should be savoured. Enjoy!🍷😎

Don’t let anyone guilt you!

it’s perfectly ok to say no

ire perfevtly ok to say listen I just can’t. I don’t have the energy.

I love you but it’s ok to have boundaries.

Not the point at all but how can you leave a young child for 2 weeks?!

Most I have left them - with their dad I might add - was for a 1 week work trip and it was too long.

My own personal view is that ideally you have children after marriage. The least I'd have expected is a man to put a ring on my finger before I'd be risking stetchmarks and droopy boobs. Why have children with somebody who hasn't made a legal commitment? And yes, I did have a childfree honeymoon. No, I'm not Catholic or particularly religious

Completely agree with your point about marriage putting the brakes on a bit.

I call my partner my husband sometimes for ease aswell, as we've been together for so long now, but for us there wouldn't be any benefit to get married. Neither of us have a pot to piss in when it comes to assets etc lol, and we've never had joint finances or anything.

Maybe I'm too cautious to be honest lol. I've always made sure that I can look after myself and the kids alone should anything happen with us.

Also agree, that was a ridiculous comment that needed to be challenged! ❤

That’s nice of her! Your sister isn’t big into considering other people - is she? Poor kid if she gets wind of this. I would consider a week long a very reasonable time for a child free honeymoon when you have a child. I’d stick to your guns and offer a weekend. You and your family are just as important too. The work and school year is long and summer annual leave is precious. As someone who is also help care for a sick in law atm I also understand the demands of this too xx

I have kids and I'm not married, I've been with my partner for 20 years though. All three kids are jointly ours. I'm not planning on ever getting married. I could but it would literally only change my surname.

We're obviously coming from complete opposite views on this. I doing think either is right or wrong by the way.

Can I ask why you wouldn't have a child unless he'd put a ring on your finger? If you loved each other and had been together a few years? What does that mean or what things would it really change? If you're happy and committed to each other anyway what does a wedding change?

Two weeks is a long time to have someone else’s child, even when you aren’t exhausted. No.

Nah, they should have planned better. (What was the point of keeping it a secret at all, if they were telling her before the wedding, anyway?) Having your niece for 2 or 3 days would be enough. They'll have to find someone else in the family or among their friends who can cover the rest—or just take her with them.

There’s nothing typical there at all. All people and families are different

I think you’re being selfish. You could share the child care between you. And why is GCSE prep so stressful for you? Surely it’s your child that took the exams? You all seem rather pressured when actually it’s the 8 year old that suffers the most being unwanted by all the family. I’d contact your sister and say you’ll help share the child care between you all and she can have a nice honeymoon. You could have some lovely beach days which are cheap and fun and help bonding with your neice. Your husband would probably enjoy it too, the weather is currently very nice so you could do picnics, beach etc, much more exciting than just hanging around for two weeks with your husband alone. Your children my enjoy it too and maybe help entertain their cousin?

The in-laws gifted the holiday knowing the child either went along or needed looking after. They should be on the hook for the chikd care, I think. I would simply say, After everything I've done to help out I need a break. I have my own family to attend to.
The sister should absolutely understand and there should be any expectations, guilt or hard feelings.

Two weeks to too long.

Given that your DH is not on board, I would look after my niece for two nights straight after the wedding then hope that her grandparents could look after her for the remainder of the time. At eight, she would be old enough to accompany GP to shops, appointments etc.

Are there other Aunts who could share as well?
It is lovely that the two are having a honeymoon. If I were on my own, I'd be happy to look after her for longer.

Definitely wait 8 years to get married with a 8 year old then need a proper honeymoon. That ship has sailed.