AIBU to refuse looking after my sister's child during her honeymoon?

[NotHappyFamilies]

My sister is getting married in just over 2 weeks. I have helped her to organise her wedding and looked after her child when she has been to appointments and had wedding things to sort out. It’s a big wedding, she’s found it all quite stressful so I have done what I can to help.

I have booked 2 weeks off after her wedding because I feel like I need the rest after all the stress and I have leave to use. My husband and I are going away for 2 nights but we plan to chill out at home, get some things done around the house, go out for meals, have an evening at the theatre and just spend some time together.

My sister wasn’t planning on a honeymoon but her in-laws have just gifted them 2 weeks at their holiday home. Her partner was aware but it was a surprise to my sister until over the weekend when they told her.

We presumed they would take their child with them but yesterday they asked if we would have her when they’re away so they get a proper honeymoon. I must have looked horrified as my sister said maybe in-laws could have her for one week so could we just have her for one week.

I have said no as my husband and I also want to spend time together. My sisters child is 8 and although she is lovely, we’ll have to entertain her. Our children are older so don’t require looking after and we have had a stressful few months with GCSEs and the wedding prep. We just want to relax. My husband has also said absolutely no way.

My sisters in laws have contacted me to say that we can sort this between us and let my sister and new husband have a lovely honeymoon.

Are we being unreasonable?

Sorry I seemed to have confused people with that post.

I was asked if my sister helped with my children when they were young and I said no because she lived abroad. She came back to live here when she was pregnant but by that time my children were already 7 and 10. My sister then had had my niece and was busy looking after her so I didn’t ask her to look after my children. By the time my sister was out of the trenches of having a young child, my own children were old to be left for a few hours if we wanted to go out or we would ask our friends who they were used to being around more.

Definitely not being unreasonable!

I'd reply along the lines of, "Hi, I wished you'd told us sooner because we're going away ourselves. Hope you can sort something out."

They're taking the piss by assuming you'll be free and willing to do it.

No, but it is funny when the Archbishop of Canterbury loses his job for covering up historical sexual abuse by male priests...

"it never happened..... Er, well, maybe it did..... I never knew about it... Err, we'll, just a bit, err, a lot.... Er, do I still keep my grace and favour residence? No? Er.... Dammit!

Rotten top down.

The catholics are worse. Ampleforth had another 'father' caught 2yrs ago...

Of all the main religious in the world, all teach that you should have your children after whatever version of a union between man and women is part of their belief, mostly understood as marriage. So why exactly have you chosen the Catholic religion to mock? The idea that you should have children after you have cemented your union legally doesn't have to be based on a religious belief either. There are huge legal advantages to being married prior to having children that have nothing to do with any religious belief. Labeling someone who points this out as some kind of Catholic zealot is lazy and uncalled for.

Depends what kind of family you are. I think it would be lovely for them to have at least a week away if you can bear to have your niece to stay. Having said that we already had a young child when we got married so did not plan a honeymoon. We did get a lovely gift of 3 days mini break surprised to us though and family had our child. It was very special and nice. 3 days was enough though.

It's actually your sister who is being unreasonable here, although her in-laws are colluding now she's said she wants a child free holiday. I don't see why her desire for a 'proper honeymoon' should trump your desire for a proper holiday with your DH. She wants a break after her wedding, you want a break after her wedding (and your teenagers' exams, and caring for your MiL).

@thereisnomeaning @Hotandpointy I was at my mum and dad's wedding lol, i was 7 I think, and they'd been together over ten years. They had two people from the hotel we were staying at as witnesses, then we went camping for a week after for the honeymoon.

We have a massive close family aswell, so I could have stayed with loads of family members, but they wanted the three of us to enjoy it together I think. They're still together now. It's not always a bad idea to get married after you've had a kid

When you have kids, they are yours to manage regardless of what you have going on. I’ve got teens and have never asked anyone else to look after them and no one has. They are my responsibility. If I wanted a nice holiday, just me and their dad, too bad, they are coming with us. Your sister chose this. Not your responsibility. It sounds like you have been very accommodating over the years. You deserve your own time to do with as you choose. They can cut their honeymoon down to a week (who leaves their kids for two weeks anyway?) and the in-laws can babysit. Simples.

This post should win some kind of smug superiority award.

Hate to break it to you but MN is real life! The posters aren't all AI robots.
Just because someone has a different opinion to you doesnt make them wrong.
I love my niece but I wouldnt want to babysit her for a week, its a big ask, particularly when you didnt volunteer to do it.

Absolutely not OP.
You have enough going on.
This is not on you.
This is for her in laws to sort out.
I think they are complete CF's and i wouldn't entertain it.
It will not be one or two days.
You will get caught.
Say absolutely not and stick to it.

Or a "pollyanna" one
"That would be a gift to me!" 🤮

I'm surprised at the number of people saying you should agree to taking your niece for a week!
I think people are missing the fact that you've booked this time off as annual leave.

If you didn't have the time booked off, and the question was should you have to use a week of your precious annual leave to care for your niece so your sister could have a 2 week honeymoon, I think less people would say you should have to do this!

Your sister will be fine with a 1 week honeymoon. As someone else said, it really is just a post-wedding holiday!

Wow, @NotHappyFamilies some people have high expectations of their families on this thread.

I cannot imagine any scenario where I would expect a family member to look after my DCs for more than a single night, possibly a weekend at a stretch. The idea that you would be expected to look after their DD for a week, let alone a fortnight is ridiculous.

Do not agree to this, and do not agree to the suggestion from the in-laws that this is something the family can work out without involving the child's parents. First, that kind of comment is always code for we intend to dump this on you, and eight year olds are not easy to look after. Second, what child's parents don't want to be involved in deciding who would be looking after their DD?

Maybe I'm just deeply unromantic, but a wedding is just a day and a honeymoon is just a holiday. People invest and expect too much. Let them have a fantastic day and wish them a lovely holiday with their DD or else let someone with nothing else to do look after her.

Two weeks away from your own 8 yo so you can go on honeymoon?! Selfish! A long weekend, maybe, a week at a push. Two weeks?! You're having a laugh!!
Our honeymoon was a long weekend in Birmingham with our 18 month old! 😄
We just had our (very belated) one abroad and our now 6 yo stayed with her grandparents. 4.5 years married, 4 nights away. It was lovely, but we missed her loads.

I think that's lovely. It seems nice to me to have the wedding then celebrate together, as a family, with the children too.

I was at my parents wedding but no-one who hadn't been told was aware my fetal self was present.

I was thinking exactly this: why was that poster presumed Catholic?

As a non-religious point, I do think it would not hurt us as a society to move back towards a more conservative approach to creating our families. There are threads and threads on here discussing the resultant difficulties of a laissez-faire approach to the huge commitment of bringing a life into a world - and into a family. That can be a child-centric point without even needing to touch upon religion.

That was the line that had me smiling too!

Honestly YANBU. You've done enough. They could take DD with them, or the inlaws could cover childcare between them (you mention siblings plural). If your sister wants to take umbrage then let her.

No they can take the child.

The in laws probably did offer the childcare. Or expected them to take your niece with them.

I suspect your sister or your niece or both would rather have you than them. I would just say, sorry, no I've already planned my leave and I don't want to change it. Don't negotiate or offer anything as that gives a chink of hope and opens the door to further negotiations/arguments. Just go with a blanket sorry it's a no from me and also it's a no from him too.

I do agree with you in a way, and I have three children with my partner, and we're not married. We've been together for twenty years though.

I don't think being married would make any difference in the threads you talk about though. I'm not sure if it is being laissez -faire or just a lack of maturity, communication and speed of relationships nowadays.

Hot take; normalise lying in these circumstances and be busy with work or holiday plans of your own, even if you are sat at home on your arse.

In what world do we just commandeer someone's entire week for childcare, that you created? Madness.

I agree, just "oh sorry, we've already booked our holiday for that date. Hope you sort it."
I can't imagine why they gifted them two weeks away without thinking about child care first.
@NotHappyFamilies did they expect your sister to take your dn with them and now they're stuck?

Ffs. People should get married before children.

no, you are not being unreasonable OP: don’t burn out for other people