To be upset at how many people turned up to my dad's funeral in casual clothes?

[Wheelchairbarbie]

My dad died last month and the funeral was yesterday. It was an unexpected death and very very painful for us all to lose him.
I don't know if I'm wrong and I shouldn't be focusing on it but I can't stop thinking about how many people came to the funeral yesterday just dressed as though it was a random day in Tesco.
Women in strappy tops and tight, short dresses, men in jeans or jogging bottoms, some not even clean, trainers and flip flops everywhere, hair in messy buns, it was all there.
I felt so upset that they didn't seem to think him or we were worth the effort.
I've never seen funeral guests dressed like this. I've always put on a black dress, spent time over my make up, worn nice jewellery and heels, maybe even a pashmina and a hairpiece. I'm only 35?

AIBU to have found it so upsetting?

And I'm sure that if the bereaved said 'Please only attend X's funeral if you are formally dressed in black', most people would have respected that. There may have been fewer people present, and some of those present wondering if they're quite formal and dark-clad enough, but that's clearly of less significance.

There's nothing more MORBID than a death FFS. Weddings, funerals and christenings you should always make the effort or not bother going.

I can understand why you would feel like this.
I would always dress modestly at a funeral, even if it was a very hot day, there are plenty of chiffon tops that cover keeping you cool.
I hope you’re doing okay. It’s a very difficult time, your mind runs riot on you.

I am Irish and have been to many many funerals. I do notice that funeral clothing is becoming less and less formal even among the family of the deceased. I tend to wear muted colours and semi formal ( think office smart). However I also notice with Irish Removals and Funerals that a lot of people just pop in and offer their sympathies to the family and then leave before the mass. They tend to be more casually dressed as normally they have popped out of work for a few minutes. Admittedly in Ireland the funeral is normally two days later.

In all the funerals I have been to it was only in the UK that I saw a person wear a hat to a funeral and that person was elderly.

Op it says everything about the drop in standards in society and is not a reflection of your father or the love others felt for him.

I have for some time been explicit about expected attire. Jackets, ties etc for gentlemen, and covered shoulders. Black only and no sports wear. Spell it out next time. You shouldn’t need to, but we are where we are.

I agree OP it seems everything is dumbed down now, I went to a wedding recently and it said on the invites formal/smart attire and yet some people turned up looking they were just nipping to the shops,

I’m genuinely confused by the people who think the hot weather excuses this stuff.

Jogging bottoms are no cooler than a pair of trousers.

A cotton shirt is as cool as a t-shirt.

A lot of people seem to think they’ll spontaneously
combust if they wear black on a hot day.

YANBU, we had exactly the same when my FIL died. His immediate family were dressed appropriately, black suits or dresses, smart attire. He had a partner who he’d been with several years after he left DH’s mum and her side of the family were in jeans, joggers, leggings, flip flops. I was clearly brought up with very different standards as I was horrified. So disrespectful.

I’ve seen one once, when an elderly woman wore a black mantilla to her sister’s funeral. This was in Ireland, about thirty years ago.

When I was confirmed, more than 40 years ago now, we all had to wear white mantillas.

I haven’t seen one in use for a long time now.

I agree with you that people should dress respectfully and appropriately for a funeral, OP, and I am very sorry for your loss.

Funerals are a thing people sometimes can't get to unless they take time in their working day, so that's spectacularly debatable. You are free not to want anyone at a funeral of your loved one unless they've 'made an effort' but you don't speak for everyone.

I went to my beloved husband's funeral yesterday. I said no dress code as it was too hot. I wore blue linen trousers and a pale pink polo shirt. Most people were in summery rig but not scruffy. It's about respect in the end.

My Dad died relatively recently. A lot of people came to his funeral because he was locally quite well known. Many of these people were dressed casually. I couldn't have cared less. I wanted to hear their stories about Dad and their memories of him. Such a joy to talk about him with people I'd never met before. It was a beautiful day, although intensely sad. I miss him so much

I'm genuinely confused that you'd think everyone has cotton shirts and formal trousers, thin enough for hot temperatures. Surely you can't presume that's the case across the board?

OP YANBU

I can't believe the excuses on here or the banging on about the hairpiece/fascinator.

I have not heard one valid reason for turning up to a funeral looking like a slob. So you were at work? It's a funeral. Get changed.
You don't have any formal clothes? Clean and iron the best ones you have
And as for saying some people go to a funeral every week - bollocks and if they did, it would have been worth investing in one decent outfit.

OP I am so sorry you lost your dad. You are not wrong to be disappointed that people didn't dress respectfully, but try to focus now on starting to grieve and remembering all the people, friends, family who did love and care for your dad and the wonderful impact he had on others.

The funeral was a moment in time - be annoyed for a moment then move past it.

When I burried my mum I couldn't tell you what anyone wore. I was just pleased that they took the time to come and say goodbye to mum.

I think I would just focus on the fact that people turned up and thought enough of your dad to do so

Yes exactly, I'm not saying that I want the men in three piece suits and top hats and the women on gloves and veils.
There were people there in stuff I'd put on to clean out the drains.

Personally I always wear smart clothes, but I wouldn’t have cared what people wore to my dad’s funeral. The fact is they came to pay their respects.

Blimey I'm Catholic most people wear normal clothes now in mass, jeans, hoodies even. The main rule seems to be shoulders covered but even that isn't always adhered to. Times have changed now. For a funeral I'd expect smart clothes, not flip-flops to be fair but depends on the person. At my aunts she wanted people to wear bright colors and football shirts from her team as she was season ticket holder. Another friend was football shirts too. It depends what your dad would have wanted. At my funeral I don't want people being miserable I'd prefer bright colours not black.

I’m so sorry for your loss. I understand what you’re saying but personally I’d feel differently. Showing up would mean everything, if they dressed for comfort due the weather that wouldn’t bother me. But anyone not showing up.. that really would.

I would always wear black (unless otherwise directed). You just would, wouldn’t you? I agree it seems disrespectful but I don’t think they need match your preferences as far as hair wear etc. Just anything in mainly black should be achievable for most people. I’d at the very least have put a black cardigan over my clothes if I was going straight from work.

Sorry for your loss.

I’m very sorry for your loss OP but I’m not sure you’re focusing on the right thing.

Try to concentrate on how many people obviously thought enough of your dad to want to be at his funeral. Even if it was a busy working day & they didn’t have time to change.

It sounds like his funeral was well attended, so not everyone would be able to have time off. Have people popped out of work to be there?

IME people still make some effort to be smart and in darkish clothes, but at one funeral for a young man I went to recently, that meant all the women looked like they were going clubbing in LBDs.

Try to be happy so many people made the effort to be there OP.

I am so sorry. Having lost a fair few close people recently, I know how much it matters that people make an effort, with cards, words, and with turning up dressed appropriately. You never forget who does or doesnt...

I've worn a mantilla to a funeral. I'm not Catholic, but the deceased was. His widow put a sentence in the funeral details explaining what a mantilla is, so I bought one off Etsy. It is important to show respect at funerals, and clothing is part of that respect. So, I've got a plain black shirt and skirt to wear at a funeral, except when the family have specifically stated a colour to wear.