To be upset at how many people turned up to my dad's funeral in casual clothes?

[Wheelchairbarbie]

My dad died last month and the funeral was yesterday. It was an unexpected death and very very painful for us all to lose him.
I don't know if I'm wrong and I shouldn't be focusing on it but I can't stop thinking about how many people came to the funeral yesterday just dressed as though it was a random day in Tesco.
Women in strappy tops and tight, short dresses, men in jeans or jogging bottoms, some not even clean, trainers and flip flops everywhere, hair in messy buns, it was all there.
I felt so upset that they didn't seem to think him or we were worth the effort.
I've never seen funeral guests dressed like this. I've always put on a black dress, spent time over my make up, worn nice jewellery and heels, maybe even a pashmina and a hairpiece. I'm only 35?

AIBU to have found it so upsetting?

Hi yes I did laugh, and to be honest so did everyone including the Vicar, I never actually said what she was wearing or why we were laughing.

It was my niece actually my Mother in Laws Grand daughter

Everyone just assumed it was in a nasty way, but I did put that it was the tonic that everyone needed

Well everyone seems to have jeans/ joggers and trainers though…. Except me of course. Well I maybe own a couple of pairs of jeans. And I only wear them so that I don’t look out of place on school runs seeing as the rest of the school mums wear the exact same items of clothing as each other. I wear trainers, certainly wouldn’t want to wear joggers.

Im also genuinely confused why people think trainers/ jeans/ joggers are thin enough to wear in hot temperatures. Trainers would make my feet sweat like hell. As would jeans and joggers make me sweat from the waste down.

I think the Catholic ladies I saw wearing mantillas at my friend's grandmother's funeral were from other countries. I believe they were carers from her nursing home. They were all young-middle aged.

I'm in two minds about this. The last few funerals I've been to I've noticed that it seems to be becoming the norm for people to dress increasingly casually these days, which has surprised me slightly. But OP I think you need to pay attention to your own words about your DF -

"My dad was a very accepting and kind person
He made everyone feel welcome, regardless of background and he rarely judged anyone. In fact he used to tell me and my mum off if we ever got a bit judgy or gossipy." So surely he wouldn't care in the slightest how people were dressed as long as they were there??

You missed out the last line in my post which was very important.

I’m so sorry. 😔

Only if that is what the family want, @Netcurtainnelly! Some people do want bright colours at the funeral of their loved one, but others would prefer more sombre colours - it is up to the close family of the deceased to decide, and there is no ‘one size fits all’ answer.

Cant remember what anyone wore for my mums funeral.
I only remember that they were there.

I'd wear smart black clothes unless otherwise specified by the family of the deceased. It's a sign of respect.

Maybe they left work to attend the funeral and had to go back to work straight after. No time to change.

I’m sorry for your loss, but what people choose to wear bears absolutely no resemblance to how much they cared for your dad.

I would try and move past this.

Everyone having one item of clothing obviously doesn't mean they'd have another type of clothing. You not having joggers isn't relevant because we're talking about people who clearly do own them.

Trainers, a lot of them are the thinner ones now. I don't know the technical name but do you know the Sketchers type ones, not properly waterproof? They're cooler than a formal shoe. Joggers can be thick or thin, so again they could absolutely be cooler than formal trousers.

Jeans would be faaaaaaaaar too hot for me too, but perhaps they were the most formal pair of trousers those people owned and they prioritised that and are less sweaty than me and you

It's true some people make their wishes about the funeral known before death and occasionally that includes specific colours or dress codes.
However unless specifically requested I think it's disrespectful to not wear at least sombre colours.

I was at a funeral last week. I don't own any formal clothes since I retired from work and a lifetime of smart clothing. I went out and bought cheap black trousers which I wore with a dark shirt. It was roasting so I didn't take a jacket. Everyone present, old and young were similarly dressed.

My 85 year old mum was a gregarious extrovert who wrote her own eulogy, planned the hymns and photos and requested that everyone wore flamboyant colourful clothes.

I've never been to a funeral like that. People are in general dressed smartly though having been to far too many close family members in the last couple of years, there was a few dressed questionably. I never let it phase me though and just was of the mindset that at least they made the effort to turn up and show their respect, regardless of their chosen clothing.

I'm sorry for your loss.

I suppose people have different viewpoints. Personally, I wouldn't wear obvious makeup or heels to a religious service and I think I'd go by the same principle for a crematorium too.
Wearing something tidy and black, yes. Everyone either has something black, the means to buy something or someone they can borrow it from. I really can't think how many people there are who don't have a black skirt or trousers.

She's not 'wrong'. Sometimes the family want to have a celebration of life, but that's not traditionally what a funeral is.

I never said I'd wear a lot of make-up and jewellery. I said I'd make an effort with my make up and wear "nice" jewellery.
That doesn't mean I wouldn't be subtle and appropriate

Well I doubt you’d wear formal shoes with joggers, you’d most likely wear trainers with them so I doubt it’s just one item. I quoted you because you said you’re genuinely confused at how others expect people to own a cotton shirt thin and formal attire thin enough for hot weather, yet they all seems to own trainers/ jeans/ joggers and seem to find them thin enough for hot weather.

Thin trainers make my feet sweat. I’d find it unbearable to wear them in summer. I wear sandals. For a funeral I would wear my black ballet flats which I feel are a much cooler option

it doesn't reflect their feelings about your father.

Doesn't it though???

When they could put on a pair of trousers for him??

I'm Irish, living in Ireland and I don't recognise anything you say here. All funerals I've attended, everyone is dressed smartly. It doesn't have to be strictly black but most people are dressed in dark clothing although black is most common.

Of course it's not just one item, we discussed several.

There's a lot about you and your garment choices and preferences in this post. The explanation of why you think that means other people would have particular items is missing. Your black ballet flats sound like a sweaty horror to me, nor can I wear shoes that flat anyway regardless of weather, but I don't think that tells us anything about how comfortable they are for you.

Your grief is clouding your view. The important thing is that they showed up, took time out of their busy working lives to show up. To pay their respects. It is not ideal, but it is life as it is today.

Agreed. People just dont hold themselves to standards anymore.
I was at a wedding the other week and someone there was wearing a ripped denim jacket.
And she and her OH are in good earning jobs, big house, etc so it's not a case of affordability.
I literally wouldn't dream to dare show my face at an occasion like that, not dressed in a way that respects the event. It's bad manners.

If they've got the time to go to all these funerals, how come they haven't got the time to change their clothes?

Because time is not infinite?

This has been something that's been increasing. I've also seen people in work clothes, that have left work to attend and then have to go back - to me this shows more thought and effort than any attire. When I first saw things change I was a bit surprised, and while I wouldn't do it myself, I now see it as attendance being the most important thing. So many reasons, people may not have an outfit that fits for example so should they not attend?

Be proud that people made the effort to attend and to pay their respects @Wheelchairbarbie, it shows that they care, look after yourself in such a tough time for you and your family 💐