To be upset at how many people turned up to my dad's funeral in casual clothes?

[Wheelchairbarbie]

My dad died last month and the funeral was yesterday. It was an unexpected death and very very painful for us all to lose him.
I don't know if I'm wrong and I shouldn't be focusing on it but I can't stop thinking about how many people came to the funeral yesterday just dressed as though it was a random day in Tesco.
Women in strappy tops and tight, short dresses, men in jeans or jogging bottoms, some not even clean, trainers and flip flops everywhere, hair in messy buns, it was all there.
I felt so upset that they didn't seem to think him or we were worth the effort.
I've never seen funeral guests dressed like this. I've always put on a black dress, spent time over my make up, worn nice jewellery and heels, maybe even a pashmina and a hairpiece. I'm only 35?

AIBU to have found it so upsetting?

And yet who was grieving the most here? Are you actually suggesting that the most bereaved person present should have dressed more formally for his own wife's funeral, because jeans and tshirt suggests he mustn't have cared enough???

@Wheelchairbarbie 💐Firstly I'm very sorry for your loss.

For me YANBU except for the flip flops. I went to a funeral during the June heatwave (when it was feeling like 35 degrees) I wore some appropriately smart black clothes but in that heat I also stuck my flip flops on. Nobody noticed not cared and it certainly was not a reflection on how high a regard I held the deceased person in.

Equally I drove past a church today and wondered if they were having some sort of casual event due to the amount of people in jeans, polo shirts and strappy tops. It was only when more people walked by dressed for a funeral in smart black outfits that I realised what it was.

At most funerals, @Wheelchairbarbie, that would be the equivalent of showing up wearing a crinoline and bonnet.

Can I just point out to noone in particular that not everyone believes that the dead don't know.

Of course it’s ‘gospel’ on MN, that everyone can wear what the hell they like, no matter what the occasion.

But I agree, OP - strappy dresses are not appropriate, nor are jogging bottoms, or anything else that looks scruffy/unkempt/not even clean.

Very few people seem to wear black, or dress formally for funerals nowadays (we’ve attended a couple recently) but it should surely be possible to wear presentable looking casual clothes that are at least clean.

They may well have been using their lunch break to attend the funeral and were coming straight from work as that is the only way they could make it!

Well, like I said, I wouldn't wear one to most funerals.

Were they definitely there for the funeral?

I had to explain to some Church of Scotland colleagues that funeral masses are often part of the day’s mass and people who are there everyday won’t necessarily dress for a funeral

It wasn't in a church.

But I wouldn't wear dirty work clothes in a church whatever I was there for. Unless I was there to mend the roof or something.

This is what I would assume.
The funerals (mostly Catholic) I've been to people wore simple dark clothes, not heals and fascinators.
I think you should appreciate that he had so many people from different walks of life that came to honour him.

Don't let anyone tell you you're not allowed to feel annoyed about this. People on Mumsnet can have some strange views and attitudes..

It's bizarre that some people are arguing the dead person won't know (debatable anyway!) therefore it doesn't matter what people wear. By that logic none of it would matter at all - what would be the point of doing the funeral?

I understand

I agree that standards seem to be dropping, but maybe I’m just old now

Hair piece ?? As in full in wig or one of those scrunchie things that looks like a bun or a pony tail?
I went to a funeral 2 weeks ago,planned my outfit,the the weather turned 35 deg,my chosen outfit would have been boiling!
Too late to order off vinted,so I bought a beautiful navy dress from.amazon ,not expensive as such, paid £6 for next day delivery, I felt great in it.
But there were some wierd out fits there, man in front of us in church had jean shorts on,trainers,polo t shirt! I was shocked 😲

No, but as we've established, you're an unusually formal person, who equates dressing a certain way with 'respect'. Most people don't feel that entering a church requires dressing in a particular way.

Something that is also current on our world is people struggling with time off work..could some of those people in marked clothes have come from work and have to return to work?

Worth pointing out that the standards set by previous generations came about in an era where funerals well in 30 odd degree heat were not something people in the UK ever had to worry about. We don't know what they'd have worn in those circumstances because they never faced them.

It’s disrespectful to show up looking sloppy. In fact it’s disrespectful to show up looking anything other than appropriately sombre unless the family have requested bright clothing or whatever.

I know a teenager who insisted on wearing a bright yellow mini dress to a family funeral despite her mum arguing against it. Luckily the mother had the sense to throw a dark coloured dress in the car boot, as said teenager soon realised how wrong she was when she saw all the other mourners in dark colours - quick change in the village pub toilets!

I'm sorry for your loss OP. I agree its not appropriate clothing at all. Unless its stated on the invite (we attended a child's funeral and they asked for colourful clothing) I would wear black, formal wear. I too would view it as disrespectful not to.

I think the family of the deceased can set the tone for what is expected in terms of dress if it matters to them.
For my Fil’s funeral close family were all dressed in black. V formal funeral. For my Mil’s funeral we asked people to dress in colours to reflect her life. And it was a joyful array of colours.
Last week I attended, in blistering heat, a requiem mass and all close family were dressed in black or dark colours. Other attendees were less formally dressed but they had all made an effort to look clean and smart.

Op I'm so sorry for your loss and that the funeral didn't provide the comfort it should have💐

I do suspect standards have dropped. I'm a Christian and between church and the volunteering work I do with pensioners I end up going to lots of funerals. Posters are correct that many funerals are treated as a celebration of life. Which is fine if that's what the grieving family want. But the wishes of the grieving family should always be foremost in attendees minds. Not that it especially matters but I'm typing this in a black linen dress - there are funeral appropriate clothes in every season.

With regards to people attending and not acknowledging you. I'm sorry that happened. People rarely know what to say and most decide to avoid difficult situations altogether.

No I haven't seen anyone wear anything like that at a funeral.
The last funeral I went to was for my youngest brother who I loved very much. It was actually a joyous occasion where we were giving thanks for his life and where we remembered who he was. There were tears but it wasn't sombre.
I came away from the service knowing that he had been loved and remembered by a lot of people. I honestly can't remember what anyone was wearing.

The point of the funeral is people for whom the dead person was important gathering to pay tribute to him or her collectively, and/or to support the bereaved.

If the dead person felt that his friends/family's presence to remember and celebrate his life was less important than what those people happened to be wearing when they did so, I'd suggest they had an odd set of relative priorities in death as well as in life.

I think people should make an effort to dress respectfully and smartly and that generally means dark clothing, unless specifically requested otherwise. But I think makeup, jewellery, high heels and a “hairpiece” are unnecessary and perhaps even too flamboyant, especially the last two. I also disagree with the person who said a funeral is a celebration of life. It’s not. It’s traditionally a mournful and serious occasion, not a celebration.

I'm with you OP, I always try and look my best for a funeral, with black dress, makeup, jewellery etc. To me it's a mark of respect. (And I am in my 30s too!), But I also think it's best to give the benefit of the doubt... Perhaps they were just raised differently.

Another PP said this:
I think perhaps the heat had affected people as many only have black funeral clothes in heavy, colder weather materials.

and I really think that is a very real possibility, at least for some of the people.

Sorry for your loss.
I wonder if some of this is just down to more people wanting others to dress comfortably or in bright colours rather than traditional black and whether that now needs to be stated.

I can only assume that those with dirty clothes had to come on a work break/leave immediately with no time to change and would rather attend and show their respect through being present rather than not being there.