To be upset at how many people turned up to my dad's funeral in casual clothes?

[Wheelchairbarbie]

My dad died last month and the funeral was yesterday. It was an unexpected death and very very painful for us all to lose him.
I don't know if I'm wrong and I shouldn't be focusing on it but I can't stop thinking about how many people came to the funeral yesterday just dressed as though it was a random day in Tesco.
Women in strappy tops and tight, short dresses, men in jeans or jogging bottoms, some not even clean, trainers and flip flops everywhere, hair in messy buns, it was all there.
I felt so upset that they didn't seem to think him or we were worth the effort.
I've never seen funeral guests dressed like this. I've always put on a black dress, spent time over my make up, worn nice jewellery and heels, maybe even a pashmina and a hairpiece. I'm only 35?

AIBU to have found it so upsetting?

You’d not get me in a pashmina and a hairpiece in the middle of a heatwave no matter who died. It’s nice that people made the effort to attend - I’m sure you’d have felt a lot worse if only the formally dressed came.

i agree OP. I went to a funeral of a friend of DH’s who had died prematurely and her DH was wearing jeans and a T shirt. We were all there in suits/black dresses.

So bizarre.

For The last few funerals we have been to we have seen a dress code, so maybe this was up to you.
Only one of these dress codes mentioned typical funeral wear. One was colourful ( as I will request for myself) and one was floral dresses and ties. The deceased woman was a keen gardener.
I think in general there is a problem with people wearing black to a funeral as most people only have black evening clothes and they turn up in what obviously is evening wear.

My daughter died last year. She was only 31 so a lot of younger people in attendance. A lot were in uniform (she worked for Border Force and they asked if I wanted them to wear uniform - I did). The rest were dressed appropriately and somberly, I’d have felt very disrespected if anyone had turned up casually, so I get it.

Sorry for your loss. It can’t help when people do that. I have not yet witnessed such disrespect at a funeral, but I guess it is mostly family attending and they are respectful. I would rather not go to a funeral than appear disrespectful and risk someone feel like you do at this moment 💐

I normally go smart and tidy (and clean!) but mums funeral I went really bright. She always loved my whacky clothes and knew she'd smile had she seen me. I did stand out like a sore thumb though.

I don't have an issue with no suits etc, but toned down, clean, ironed and smart whatever it is they want to wear is just perfect. Even a simple, clean pressed black t-shirt and pure black jeans with polished shoes is fine. I think the standards many generations have held and come to expect are falling, more's the pity.

Sorry for your loss OP and I hope you and your family are doing as well as can be.

I think generally people should be guided by the deceased persons wishes- e.g. wear casual, wear red, wear bright colours etc. but if there is no guidance, it should be assumed that black/dark smart clothes should be worn.
To be honest, I think that smart/casual is fine e.g. chinos & shirt rather than a full suit, or skirt & cardie rather than full formal wear with hat & heals. I would never ever though, attend a funeral in very casual clothes (unless deceased wishes). Folk definitely do though- I went to a funeral about 10 years ago where one guest was wearing flip flops, a short denim skirt, and a vest top. Everyone else was wearing regular funeral garb so she stuck out like a sore thumb for all the wrong reasons.

I couldn’t tell you what people wore at my dads funeral to be honest I was just incredibly grateful people took time from their days to attend especially when he had withdrawn from life as his Parkinson’s developed

OK, well I'm not in ireland

I’m always very careful to dress nicely for a funeral but have noticed others aren’t always the same. To me it’s a mark of respect for the family and the deceased .I suppose the important thing is that they came .Anger is a natural emotion when you’re grieving so maybe try and file this away and revisit it later when things aren’t so raw. My sympathy goes out to you, so sorry for your loss.

I’m sorry for your loss. Lots of people turned up in boiling hot weather so it sounds like your dad was well liked. I would take a lot of comfort from that, rather than dwelling on the negatives.

So sorry to hear about your dad.

That is a bit rubbish that people didn't make an effort with their appearance. Unless stated otherwise, my expectation would be to wear black or dark colours and be smartly dressed at a funeral. However, they did turn up to mark his passing. Hope that brings some comfort.

Not unreasonable at all. A relative of my husband died recently and all the guests were appropriately dressed. Not necessarily black (I didn't wear black myself and as a pp said it's harder to wear something sober in hot weather).

But also agree they turned up and that's more important than what they wore.

Sorry for your loss.

'Not even clean - could substance abuse be involved perhaps?'
Oh, ffs, What a leap that is. This place is getting worse by the day....😆

I'm sorry for your loss

I would always wear a smart black dress or skirt unless otherwise instructed at a funeral as a mark of respect, but there is definitely a trend towards more casual clothing. There are also people who will be unaware of what they should be wearing or come from families with different ideas. If they were mostly work colleagues or people your father knew from the pub they wouldn't have been expected to attend, so they could have easily made their excuses and not bothered. The fact that so many of them chose to attend shows how much your father meant to them, despite the way they were dressed.

Well you can dwell on the fact that they didn't dress how you would have wished them to - or you can be thankful that they cared enough to showed up and give your dad a send off. I know which I would choose 🤷‍♀️

Yes, I made a mistake, I meant a fascinator

I think colour matters less now, but funeral clothes should always be clean and smart. Sorry for your loss.

You don’t have to dress up to be smart. A pair of black jeans or even blue jeans and a shirt for men perhaps and a plain dress for women? I’d be upset too op

I am sorry about your dad. Losing someone you love is hard. I have been to more funerals than I would have liked most of them close family members.
What the mourners wore didn't even factor in my thoughts what mattered was that they cared enough to attend.
You say they were wearing work clothes perhaps they had just come from work or were going back to work because they couldn't take the day off.
How well did they know your dad? Perhaps they thought that he wouldn't mind what they were wearing.
I'm a little confused about your comment about you would wear a hair piece or fascinator to a funeral, I have never seen anyone dressing as formally as that at a funeral
Also many people now see funerals as a way of celebrating a life rather than mourn it's passing.so they don't wear black or overly formal clothes

I'm going to notice when it's my dad's funeral. People tend to talk to you and come up to you.
Although there were a few rude people who didn't even acknowledge my mum or mine or my siblings existence and yes, I noticed them. They were at my father's funeral.

My dc were 11 and 13 when dh died. Adults wore dark colours but dc wore coloured clothes as I didn't like the thought of them looking like Victorian orphans. Their friends wore school uniform as came out of school to support them.

Totally agree with this.

So sorry for your loss op. I don’t know where people get this idea from that jeans/ joggers/ trainers should be the staple uniform for every occasion no matter what. It’s like some people cannot be bothered to make the effort anymore and it has been since Covid. Covid was in 2020/ 2021 when people got furloughed and were lounging about in the house all day, yet people are still dressing in ‘Covid clothes’ in 2026 with the pandemic being over years ago.
Why someone would come to a funeral wearing the same attire they wear to run errands or clean the house is mind boggling. I’ve always know the dress code for funerals to be black unless otherwise stated.

It’s ok others saying they turned up so that’s all that matters. Yes they turned up looking like they had been dragged out of bed and made no effort whatsoever and like they couldn’t be arsed to be there. And whilst a funeral is about the passing of someone who won’t know what people wore to the funeral I still find it disrespectful towards their close family and friends. It has obviously upset you enough to write a thread about it.

They have made the effort. They were there!
Everything is informal these days I think you're overthinking this

I meant a fascinator or some sort of nice black headband. I would probably wear a flowery thing that clips to my head, or something like this: