To be upset at how many people turned up to my dad's funeral in casual clothes?

[Wheelchairbarbie]

My dad died last month and the funeral was yesterday. It was an unexpected death and very very painful for us all to lose him.
I don't know if I'm wrong and I shouldn't be focusing on it but I can't stop thinking about how many people came to the funeral yesterday just dressed as though it was a random day in Tesco.
Women in strappy tops and tight, short dresses, men in jeans or jogging bottoms, some not even clean, trainers and flip flops everywhere, hair in messy buns, it was all there.
I felt so upset that they didn't seem to think him or we were worth the effort.
I've never seen funeral guests dressed like this. I've always put on a black dress, spent time over my make up, worn nice jewellery and heels, maybe even a pashmina and a hairpiece. I'm only 35?

AIBU to have found it so upsetting?

That’s different, if he really had no other option at such short notice. This thread is more about those who purposely dress in casual low effort clothes no matter what the event. Not all of them will have split trousers. It seems to be a trend nowadays to see who can dress the scruffiest to an event where you would be expected to dress appropriately for that event.

The widow of the deceased in your situation may have been happy he turned up. But the op isn’t happy that people turned up to her dad’s funeral looking like they couldn’t be arsed to be there. It wasn’t just one person who turned up and said “I had no other choice but to wear these joggers as my trousers split this morning”, there were quite a few of them turned up dressed for a shop at Tesco. And it’s like this everywhere now. People creating threads on MN to ask what trainers to wear for a wedding, people turning up at weddings and other special events in trainers or crocs.

I feel like lots of people on here need to get better acquainted with Debrett’s- the ‘go to’ authority on etiquette in the UK.

Debrett’s guidance is that mourners should wear smart, subdued clothing that does not draw attention to themselves. Dark colours are the accepted convention, with black remaining the traditional choice. The emphasis is on respect and dignity rather than fashion or comfort. And to only do otherwise if specifically instructed by the family.

I feel like lots of people on here need to get better acquainted with Debrett’s- the ‘go to’ authority on etiquette in the UK.

Only the go to authority for people who have a stick up their arse.

And yet Debrett's updates itself every year, and acknowledges that etiquette changes over time. While it does advise sober, dark clothing as a safe default, its funeral online section is actually headed 'Changing Funeral Etiquette', and it also says that dresscodes for funerals are 'reasonably flexible' and cautions against 'flamboyant hats and dramatic outfits' because they look 'self-preoccupied'. For some people, the OP's fascinator would certainly come under the category of 'flamboyant'. I imagine that Debrett's would also point out that starting an internet thread to criticise the dress of people who'd attended your father's funeral is remarkably poor manners.

And I would be extremely surprised if anyone follows the Debrett's funeral guidance that all flowers should come with a card addressed to the deceased, not his/her surviving family.

That is surprising! (re the flowers I mean)

But re the rest, I'd put good money on Debrett's never being updated in the future to say it's fine to turn up to a funeral in sportswear, anything dirty or anything more suited to the beach.

And I think it's disingenuous when people claim they're dressing scruffy for 'comfort'. Smart clothing might have been uncomfortable at one time but it's not about stiff starched collars and things like that any more, there's loads of stuff available in more forgiving drapey fabrics that aren't at all uncomfortable.

Different issue if someone's not already got any smart clothing and can't afford to buy anything new, obviously - especially in these times. But even then, it's just as easy to pick the smartest casual outfit you own as the scruffiest. That's still making an effort - everything's relative.

But re the rest, I'd put good money on Debrett's never being updated in the future to say it's fine to turn up to a funeral in sportswear, anything dirty or anything more suited to the beach.

I can't edit my previous post any more, but I did just want to add a qualifier re sportswear - obviously different in a situation such as XenoBitch described, where it's the only garment available at the time. That's different to stumbling in with mud up your joggers looking like you've just come from Parkrun.

Exactly. It’s just the “trendy” thing to do now. Nobody dresses up to go out anymore. It’s all trainers and jeans. They don’t dress appropriately for christenings, funerals, weddings. They just turn up in yesterday’s clothes.

I did wonder - given that the OP says these were pub-drinking friends of her father’s - whether in fact some of this group had not necessarily intended to attend. I can imagine a scenario in which one or two pop into the pub, and others, seeing them, had decided to come along too.

(I will here cite the example of my FiL, who tended to pop into funerals happening at his local churches, wearing whatever he was wearing at the time, whether he knew the deceased or not)

I’m with you OP. I think it’s a general trend though sadly. I went to a Christening recently and most people looked like they’d strolled out of their back yard. Kids in play clothes - dirty, adults in sweats and strappy tops. I think people are frankly just more self- centred. They make it about them and what makes them feel comfortable. I was taught that effort= respect. You don’t have to be fancy or spend money, but be clean and tidy. It basically says, ‘you’re lucky I’m here and I will wear what I want’ Weddings are going the same way. I think some people also think it makes them ‘nonchalant’ too or cool- I see it as arrogant and rude.

He was a very respectable type, much better off and ‘grander’ than my family. Just had no concept of boundaries…. like when he decided to visit his old primary school and hopped over a low wall and into the door to start wandering round the classrooms. I was horrified. He saw no issue.

They don’t republish every year and plenty of etiquette they advocate hasn’t changed much since I was first introduced to Debrett’s as a youngster.

I am surprised it isn’t common knowledge that flowers for the funeral procession are sent to the funeral directors running the funeral. For obvious reasons they are sent to the deceased by name.

Flowers not part of the funeral procession are addressed to the family member you are sending them to, like any gift of flowers.

The feelings of the family of the deceased (so in this thread the OP) take precedence over our own within reason, and are always to be excused if uncharacteristically impolite- ideally excused without drawing attention to it.

Yeah the holier-than-thou "all these people have GIVEN UP their PRECIOUS TIME to pay their respects" the scruff-defenders are coming out with is a bit grating.

I'm sure that was the case for the majority of mourners but let's not pretend that there aren't people out there who attend funerals out of nosiness, because they're bored, fancy a free buffet, hope there might be some aircon, want to take the opportunity to bend someone's ear about a new business venture or guilt trip a grieving family member into lending them some money, etc.

Apart from anything else it's a bit condescending to insist on this fiction about all these salt-of-the-earth kind hearted types who have managed to beg the foreman to be allowed an hour out of the pit to doff their caps in their sole workday outfit.

That would be believable, if everyone and their uncle’s, grandma’s dog didn’t turn up to special occasions dressed extremely casual. It’s not just a one off, people are finding any excuse they can to “dress for comfort”. It’s happening all over the place all the time. People turning up to special occasions dressed like they have just been cleaning their toilet. So I doubt it’s just people who happened to be sat in the pub tagging along to the funeral.

That sums up my thoughts too.

Tbf, if it was in the heatwave, people’s standard formal clothing may simply have been unwearably hot, and many women in particular may have had nothing between that and more casual summery outfits. Even churches have been ridiculously warm, and a crematorium chapel, with less heat-resistant architecture and a quick throughput of large groups of people, may have been utterly unbearable.

Looking at eg workwear, it is noticeably ‘scruffier’ in very hot weather, because in general the British are poor at dressing for hot weather and own few suitable non-holiday outfits.

For the millionth time I’ve said this….
So joggers and trainers are not going to melt people then? 🙄 Would love to know what makes them much cooler than other clothing. Doesn’t have to be formal wear, just nice cool clothing. Bloody joggers would be at the bottom of my list of cool clothing to wear during a heatwave. Not buying the “it’s too hot to dress properly for a funeral bullshit”. Just lazy ass people wanting to look “cool and trendy” and pretend they are dressing for “comfort”. Bet they must have been sweating their socks off in their desperation to take the Covid trend to the max and look causal as possible because “nobody dresses up anymore” 🙄

I was actually talking about your funeral practices, but one "best summer ever" doesn't alter the fact that you are usually a cloudy, rainy, country most of the time. We've in the middle of winter with wall to wall sunshine. 😆

I am an ordinary working person. The people who showed up dressed appropriately were ordinary working people.

I don't look down on ordinary working people. They are my people. And I'm rather insulted on our behalf that you would imply that a lack of knowledge of how to properly behave is any way because they were ordinary working people.

I'm a good deal older than you OP so have been to more funerals than I would like over the last decade or so 😦and I have definitely noticed this. If people can't make an effort for a funeral, I sometimes wonder if they have ANY idea of dress and presentation as anything more than "wear whatever is lying about that you feel like throwing on that morning".

I think it's sad, and a loss of one small but significant part of social cohesion.

Would you have preferred if they hadn’t had gone to pay their last respects to your father (not to support your family) but for your father?

YANBU OP. I find it so odd that people don’t dress appropriately for funerals or weddings either.

At my dad’s funeral, an in law turned up wearing a baseball cap! I honestly would rather he hadn’t bothered to come. It felt so disrespectful especially as my dad was known for dressing smartly at all times.

Sorry for your loss op.

You can't pay your respects if you are not being respectful

Is just like to say thank you to the people who stuck up for me re - nasty comments. I didn't see them all before they got deleted but I'm grateful to the kind people who reported them and stuck up for me.

Yeah, but you don’t know if he needed that baseball cap to keep the sun from his eyes… it’s been a hot summer don’t you know!