To be upset at how many people turned up to my dad's funeral in casual clothes?

[Wheelchairbarbie]

My dad died last month and the funeral was yesterday. It was an unexpected death and very very painful for us all to lose him.
I don't know if I'm wrong and I shouldn't be focusing on it but I can't stop thinking about how many people came to the funeral yesterday just dressed as though it was a random day in Tesco.
Women in strappy tops and tight, short dresses, men in jeans or jogging bottoms, some not even clean, trainers and flip flops everywhere, hair in messy buns, it was all there.
I felt so upset that they didn't seem to think him or we were worth the effort.
I've never seen funeral guests dressed like this. I've always put on a black dress, spent time over my make up, worn nice jewellery and heels, maybe even a pashmina and a hairpiece. I'm only 35?

AIBU to have found it so upsetting?

It is not unchanging for all times and places, obviously, because what's polite and acceptable changes with the society. However, unless there was a clear alternative preference expressed something relatively smart and subdued will always be appropriate at a standard English funeral. It really isn't hard. The fact that people are arguing against the standard proves that they know what that standard is and why it exists.

I can't help but notice that some, though not all, of the "it's so morally superior to not give a shit if people attend a funeral in dirty shitty clothes" people have made some absolutely disgusting posts to the OP - there have been deletions. I don't think I'll be taking funeral etiquette advice r moral guidance from people who can't resist insulting a grieving daughter because they disagree with her.

I would also say that ‘reasonably smart and tidy’, in a heatwave, would include strappy dresses, and would definitely include tidy jeans, and also workwear from anyone attending in the middle of the day.

I know funerals are more casual these days and many people pop out of work etc. to come which could explain some of it - but dirty tracksuits are unacceptable - if you wouldn’t go to a restaurant or a night out dressed like that you certainly shouldn’t attend a funeral like that. Sorry for your loss op.
try not to dwell on it - it’s tough when you’re grieving and feeling fraught I know, but try and focus on the nice parts of the funeral

I just know you are part of the blue hair brigade.

It never fails to surprise me how people dress. I went to sports day and end of year awards at school last Saturday and everyone was wearing either a nice dress/ linen trousers, chinos/ shorts and a shirt. It was dressing fir a nice occasion.

In my previous job, it was a professional environment and some of our administrators would turn up in baggy t shirts and jeans/ funky hair cuts. It looks scruffy and feckless.

Of course you turn out well presented at a funeral.

How you present yourself says a lot about you. It's a reflection of class, pride in yourself and respect for the situation you are in.

Perhaps, but it’s never grubby t-shirt, joggers and trainers

Note that often, many of the mourners don’t know the family in order to gauge ‘what the surviving family would prefer’.

So, by your logic, if you don’t know what the family prefer, it follows that it’s ok to turn up in a grubby t-shirt and joggers… Insanity…

Totally understand, OP,and id feel the same.
Absolutely no excuse whatsoever to rock up to a funeral in dirty clothes, flip flops etc.
Seems quite symptomatic of a wider issue in society - that people just cant be bothered to put in any effort for anything.

Sorry for the loss of your Dad x

I am not part of the blue hair brigade at all, and that is a weird assumption to make.
But you do you.

Totally understand, OP,and id feel the same.
Absolutely no excuse whatsoever to rock up to a funeral in dirty clothes, flip flops etc.
Seems quite symptomatic of a wider issue in society - that people just cant be bothered to put in any effort for anything.

Sorry for the loss of your Dad x

I think that is it - Standards. I have never got over my MIL turning up at my mum's funeral in a mauve jacket. Even if I am not in the funeral party, I always dress for the occasion.

Absolutely no excuse whatsoever to rock up to a funeral in dirty clothes, flip flops etc.

NO excuse? Dementia? Mental illness? Poverty? Having come direct from a dirty physical job, using a minimal lunch break to attend?

You do not get to dictate who will choose to mourn someone’s death. Some of those who mourn may be suffering old age, dementia, loss of continence, loss of decision-making capacity, mental illness, disability, neurodivergence etc etc, or may genuinely be snatching an hour out of low-paid work that keeps a roof over their heads. If we shut out those who do not meet our standards of ‘respectability’, we may be missing some of those who miss the deceased most acutely.

I am strongly hoping this is parody. Mauve - a light, summery subtle purple - seems entirely appropriate. Several of the (many) ordained clergy attending a recent family funeral wore the mauve version of the standard ‘dog collar’ blouse / shirt.

What's wrong with mauve? That's in the purple spectrum which is traditional for half-mourning. Not particularly unreasonable.

Oh no, not funky haircuts! The horror, the horror.

I go to funerals with my choir and I always dress smartly. Level of smart depends on how close I am to the deceased

Some of the choir come dressed for their day but we are out of the way above the mourners.

Buried close family member last week and whilst clothing was a mixed bag it wasn't out and out slovenly. We went from pall bearers in matching full on black suits black ties white shirts very smart. I wore a smart cotton dress as appropriate for work as a funeral. Chief mourner wore a summer dress her departed husband picked out for the funeral. Funerals are hard to dress for. Easier in winter I think.

CyanCat stop answering her back .
I’m afraid you’re getting no where 🙈 😂

I've unfortunately had the responsibility for organising 4 funerals over the past 10 years, and my view is that funerals are for those who are left/the living. I know not everyone agrees with this, but I believe once you're dead, you're dead; and there is no afterlife, etc. So, to me, it's more about those who are still there, mourning the person who died. Therefore, I certainly didn't care how anyone turned up, (but my second cousin's wife, who always dresses a bit more revealing, was a source of some speculation!) It was the fact that people turned up, and came to speak to my Mum/sister/friend (the nearest person to the deceased), and shared stories, or talked about what the deceased had meant to them. Those are the things that stick with me.

I've also had to pop out of work for a couple of hours to attend a funeral of a neighbour/extended family member, and have gone in my work clothes. I don't have to wear a uniform, but we're business casual, so I tend to wear darker colours that day, and take a suit jacket to put on. If it was stinking hot, I'd probably wear navy/black linen trousers and a blouse. The one full Catholic Mass funeral I've been to, there were (mainly older) ladies wearing mantillas, but as I'm not Catholic/religious at all, I stayed nearer the back, and stood up/sat down when my friend's Mum did, but didn't go for communion, obviously.

Anyway, what I mean is that, whilst I would do my best to comply with the common understandings of what happens at a funeral, if I didn't then it wasn't meant as a slur in any way. I'm sorry for your loss, OP, and those of others.

I have been a ‘minor attendee’ at two funerals recently, @cantkeepawayforever, and I wore black for both - not to be performative but because that was the most suitable attire I had - I don’t work and rarely go out, so don’t have a lot of more formal clothing to choose from. I live in bright skirts and t-shirts or dresses.

I would always choose my one black dress for a funeral, if there is no dress code specified.

I do agree with you that a strappy/cool dress in a heatwave sounds suitable and sensible, though personally I’d find jeans a bit too casual - but I probably wouldn’t bat an eyelid at black jeans.

Completely understand - and that was why I specified that only 1 of the three in back appeared performative. The other 2 were either people who always wear black, or who were wearing black because that’s their ‘decent neat Sunday best outfit’. The third was - well, just performative. Full black dress, black tights, black shoes, hat-with-black veil, at 3 pm on a 35 degree afternoon for a memorial billed as a celebration.

I may however, like the OP, have fallen into the trap of ascribing motive to a choice to dress in a particular way. It may have been their only clean, decent garment for the occasion. They may have been more deeply affected for reasons that were not immediately obvious. And in any case, their attendance was the point, and was welcomed.

I’m not saying anyone forced them into it, but that they are hiding from confronting their own grief, which is not going to help them in the long run. And wearing cheerful colours doesn’t in itself mean they are hiding from their grief either, it’s not as simplistic as that. But I have personally known quite a few people who are hell-bent on trying to avoid feeling sad at any cost, and it’s not healthy.

I’m not sure it’s that simple. Grief unfolds at different levels for different people. Some of us need a degree of levity in the early stages to get us through to the deeper harder grief that comes later.

lol okay that’s what you’re running with- unless you get a card telling you not to dress like a homeless person at an event, you’re going to think it’s okay to dress like a homeless person? That sounds as special as your school must have been.

For the record Christenings are often open events. Much more open than funerals. Most funerals are by invitation, even if it’s an open invitation to all who knew the person. Only weirdo’s or the police attend a funeral service or wake without either a direct invitation from the family or the family making it clear all are invited… so if you’re going to a funeral or a wake, it stands to reason you’re either a weirdo or a copper or you’ve been invited.

Only a few months ago, a child in our school died suddenly and the school checked with the family if school friends (and parents) were invited. Nobody would have attempted to attend without that invitation. Thankfully nobody tried showed up in sliders and sports shorts but they would have been kicked-out if they had. God could you imagine turning up to the funeral of a child dressed like you just got in from the cleaning the car. 😩

Many of the funerals I’ve attended have been open invitation. The family is too bereaved to start sending out formal invites. I would never attend a christening if not directly invited.

Totally agree. Just because it might be an open invitation to everyone who knew the deceased person rather than a direct invite on a card, doesn’t mean should turn up looking like a scruff!
Some people will use any excuse to wear the most casual, low effort outfit they can find because it’s ‘comfy’ and it’s all about them, not the deceased or their grieving close relatives 🙄

My dad wore tracksuit bottoms (plain black and were clean and tidy) because his smart trousers split on the morning of the funeral. He did not own any others.

The widow of the deceased was just pleased he had turned up and was there to pay his respects.