To be upset at how many people turned up to my dad's funeral in casual clothes?

[Wheelchairbarbie]

My dad died last month and the funeral was yesterday. It was an unexpected death and very very painful for us all to lose him.
I don't know if I'm wrong and I shouldn't be focusing on it but I can't stop thinking about how many people came to the funeral yesterday just dressed as though it was a random day in Tesco.
Women in strappy tops and tight, short dresses, men in jeans or jogging bottoms, some not even clean, trainers and flip flops everywhere, hair in messy buns, it was all there.
I felt so upset that they didn't seem to think him or we were worth the effort.
I've never seen funeral guests dressed like this. I've always put on a black dress, spent time over my make up, worn nice jewellery and heels, maybe even a pashmina and a hairpiece. I'm only 35?

AIBU to have found it so upsetting?

Very true.

Your family knows multiple people who would turn up to a funeral with ‘tits and arse’ on show???

I have absolutely no idea what anyone was wearing at my dad’s funeral. Just the sea of faces looking up at me as I read the eulogy - it don’t know who was there and who wasn’t, or what anyone looked like. Do you think you’re focusing on this as a way to shield yourself from grief? Because I’m really surprised this was such a detail for you.

Things have changed. There really aren't societal expectations anymore that everyone is aware of.

Go to court any day of the week for instance and you'll see people treating it like a family day out and wearing whatever.

I don't go to funerals at all, a personal choice and I think that's becoming more common too.

I think focus on the fact they turned up, which is a sign of respect. No one wants to go to a funeral. They don’t dress as you would, but they did make an effort to be there.

If you don't remember what they were wearing it's because they were dressed appropriately and didn't stand out in any way, as is correct. If they'd been dressed like they just came in from the beach or a car wash or like Carmen Miranda, you'd notice.

OP, you are absolutely completely in the right, no matter what some people say. Perhaps some people truly wouldn't mind someone attending their loved one's funeral in ripped dirty denim and flip flops, but that puts absolutely no obligation on anyone else. Some people get very superior about clothing; it's an easy thing to get somewhat Puritan and moralistic about, and in the context of a funeral, such people can also weaponise the death over it to attack the newly bereaved ("how can you care about such superficial things when someone has DIED!").

It's total bullshit. It's not hard or expensive to dress appropriately for a standard English funeral and it's not a moral failing to be upset when people turn up as though it's a summer barbecue. It's definitely a moral failing attack and insult the newly bereaved to make yourself feel superior, though.

“Things have changed. There really aren't societal expectations anymore that everyone is aware of.”

There are still societal expectations, as this thread has shown. If I was invited to a wedding, I would dress appropriately for that event likewise the same for a funeral. However, it’s the “I can’t be arsed to get changed out of my Covid clothes” attitude that people seem to have these days that has lead to more people thinking it’s ok to dress like slobs for special occasions.

That's my point - you think there are societal expectations but if there are, they vary with age groups and cultures.

A lot of people aren't aware of them at all.

Not everyone knows or agrees that you shouldn't wear white to a wedding or should give a gift of monetary value to 'cover your plate' or not give a gift that isn't on the registry, or that you shouldn't put a coin or cash in a babies pram, or that you should dress for dinner in a hotel or that you should not come down for breakfast in your nightwear. Or not go to the local shop in your nightwear. Or you should always get dressed at home even if you're not going anywhere.

A few years ago I took a wedding invite at it's word when it said we don't want presents but if you want to give something, you can give cash and I didn't because it had cost me several hundred pounds to attend the wedding. I later found out id committed a social faux pas and should have given money even though the invite said it wasn't being asked for.

And a lot of people, even if they aware that other people think that way, also think they are stupid and outdated rules and expectations that someone once made up and others followed and they are not relevant.

Posters on here will tie themselves in knots to defend those people who turned up to a funeral in mucky joggers because on mumsnet ‘dressing up’ is detested and it’s a case comfort at costs, nothing matters but me me me and how I feel … but in the real world it’s very slobby to turn up to a funeral how these people have turned up to your fathers funeral , OP

@OneElatedOpalDuck

those people must live under a rock to not know what you don’t wear white to a wedding and that you always always give a gift when attending a wedding! Honestly there’s no excuse

I'm fresh from a funeral, I would always dress smart. So for the viewing/removal last night I did the same but it was28 degrees so most people were in summer dresses or similar. Today is the burial and it's just as hot so probably will be the same .

A few years ago I took a wedding invite at it's word when it said we don't want presents but if you want to give something, you can give cash and I didn't because it had cost me several hundred pounds to attend the wedding. I later found out id committed a social faux pas and should have given money even though the invite said it wasn't being asked for.
That's not a faux pas at all. If people are stupid enough to play games and say we don't want presents but they secretly do that's on them. We said no presents required but if you want to here's a link to a charity page or John Lewis vouchers would be great and meant it. Any of those three options of charity, JL or nothing at all all welcome. Or something of your own choosing if you want too all absolutely lovely

OP, of course you’re in the right, but this is Mumsnet where caring about ANYTHING from birthday presents to your own wedding to Christmas is looked down on. Virtually everyone has the ability to look neat and tidy and respectable/respectful if they try. Even if people haven’t been to funerals most of them will have eg seen a funeral on TV or in a film!

“That's my point - you think there are societal expectations but if there are, they vary with age groups and cultures.”

There ARE societal expectations, not I think!! Societal expectations have been around long before I was born so don’t make it about me thinking it. It’s not about age or culture. I’ve known since the first funeral I went to at 9 years old. I’m in my 40s so I’ve known since 9, know now and will still know when I’m 80 years old! And if you’re trying to tell me they don’t know about these societal expectations well, they must have had their head buried in the sand all their lives!

”And a lot of people, even if they aware that other people think that way, also think they are stupid and outdated rules and expectations that someone once made up and others followed and they are not relevant.”

They can think what they like. The societal expectations are still there and have been for generations!

@Flyingintotheunknown i agree with you. But the last couple of funerals have been to I’ve been wondering if those societal expectations are having a shift. People were a bit casual,even scruffy, DH put a suit and tie on for one and I’d have said he was only one of about 6 suits out of 30 or so blokes. And there’d been nothing from the family about be casual.

I think things are changing….

It’s like I have been saying throughout this post. People seem to be stuck in a time warp since 2020 covid where the covid uniform was joggers / jeans and trainers. Since then they feel the need to stay in these clothes all the time. There has been many a thread on MN for people asking for fashion advice because they’re stuck in a rut with what to wear and have only been wearing joggers since Covid. I believe it’s more to do with people just don’t know how to dress anymore, they can’t be bothered to and because they see everyone else in the same boat, feel that’s what “everyone wears now” and so turn up to these events looking like slobs.

I think societal expectations must change even if only gradually.
Women wearing trousers to work (unless they were working on the land), 'lady' Magistrates wearing hats, etc. All expectations that have gone.
I would struggle to find a 'suitable' outfit for a funeral nowadays because I'm retired and mostly only have jeans, t-shirts, fleeces. A lot of men have never owned a suit.

“I would struggle to find a 'suitable' outfit for a funeral nowadays because I'm retired and mostly only have jeans, t-shirts, fleeces. A lot of men have never owned a suit.”

And this is the point I have been making throughout this thread. I’m not saying this is what you did during Covid but a lot of people during Covid settled into a routine of wearing t shits/ jeans/ joggers/ trainers and lounging about, it’s a routine that they now can’t seem to get out of and just either do not have any suitable attire in their wardrobe for special events anymore or simply do not know what to wear anymore. That’s not really an excuse to turn up at such events looking like you haven’t made an effort. Other people manage it.

I am of an ‘age’ where I go to a lot of funerals and you are not alone. I think people no longer have a sense of decorum or standards of dress for occasions. I have seen athleisure in lots of formal events and it saddens me. I think social media has made it acceptable or people have not been educated in social etiquette. I was brought up in a working class home where my father had to pawn his shoes each week because we were poor. He would borrow money from my granddad to go to the pawn shop each week and get his formal shoes back to so that he could go and get his wages from the foreman and to go to church on Sunday in a suit with nice shoes. Then my mother would take them back to the pawn shop on Monday as we needed the cash to tide us over.

I saw a funeral in Lanzarote recently (I was not involved) and in the heat, everyone was formally dressed to the church.

I would also respectfully suggest that you start thinking about buying a funeral outfit then. It is a fact of life that as one gets older attending funerals becomes more frequent and last minute panic buying isn’t the way to go. I have a high neck knee length black dress with sheer long sleeves that can be worn all year round which sadly gets worn a few times a year.

How are you expecting people to know?

Genuinely.

Alright, someone told you that you should dress a certain way but how are other people informed of this do you think? Is there a rule book? No.

MN every day has threads about these kind of issues with people saying they weren't aware e.g of not wearing white to a wedding or not dressing casually to a funeral or to court. Or giving a gift with monetary value at a wedding to cover the cost of your meal.

Lots of people saying everyone knows and lots of people saying they didn't know.

People aren't brought up automatically knowing, they're either told and agree or disagree and ignore. Or they're not told so they don't know and then they post on MN and have a lot of people saying 'everyone knows that expectation' when others say it's the first time they've heard it.

@grumpygrape

so… you would have to buy a suitable outfit for a funeral then, rather than turn up in a fleece

“How are you expecting people to know?”

Alright so seeing as the worst offenders I have come across who dress like a bag of shit to special events seem to be people who are around my age (mid 40s) and born in this country, ones who used to be able to dress appropriately for funerals but for some reason decided they can’t be arsed anymore, I would say they KNOW perfectly well!

Im absolutely sick and tired of people coming on here to defend such people and making excuses for them! I can only imagine those who do defend them also dress like slobs at important occasions.

I retired before COVID and it wasn't until 2022 when I retired from my voluntary work, where wore more formal clothing, that my wardrobe diminished. I have no intention of turning up at any events where I'm expected to wear formal clothing.

Why don't you go to funerals?

I've just said up thread I have no intention of going to any more funerals so I don't need to buy a 'funeral outfit' thanks.
I haven't worn a dress for 40 years or a skirt for 30.