To be upset at how many people turned up to my dad's funeral in casual clothes?

[Wheelchairbarbie]

My dad died last month and the funeral was yesterday. It was an unexpected death and very very painful for us all to lose him.
I don't know if I'm wrong and I shouldn't be focusing on it but I can't stop thinking about how many people came to the funeral yesterday just dressed as though it was a random day in Tesco.
Women in strappy tops and tight, short dresses, men in jeans or jogging bottoms, some not even clean, trainers and flip flops everywhere, hair in messy buns, it was all there.
I felt so upset that they didn't seem to think him or we were worth the effort.
I've never seen funeral guests dressed like this. I've always put on a black dress, spent time over my make up, worn nice jewellery and heels, maybe even a pashmina and a hairpiece. I'm only 35?

AIBU to have found it so upsetting?

Totally agree. I’m not sure what it is about this “comfort” era we seem to be going through but it seems extremely selfish that they have to make an important occasion all about themselves and THEIR comfort to the point people are happy to rock up to such occasions looking like they have worn yesterday’s clothes that they did the gardening in. Once upon a time people used to make an effort, even if it meant going through a slight bit of discomfort by getting changed in their car/ public toilets or whatever.

Cancel the cheque

I absolutely agree with you, and I’m so sorry for your loss. Try not to focus on it though, remember your dad and be glad there was a good turnout. Things have changed I think re what people do at funerals.

Unless there’s been an explicit communication from the family, as there was at the last funeral I went to, ‘come as you are, he wouldn’t have cared, and we don’t mind how you dress’. He was an old docker who hadn’t worn a suit in his life apart from court (long story). And they didn’t want to remember that.

I’ve always dressed soberly, not necessarily black, at a funeral. But I’ve been a bit well shocked, at how casually others have dressed. I don’t think everyone should wear black, but respectfully dressed isn’t hard.

I was speaking of the defendant! 😂

And “dressing up” for certain events in life doesn’t necessarily equal uncomfortable. It means dressing appropriately and respectfully in clean, unripped clothing.

Sorry for your loss op and agree with you 💐

What’s all this about “dressing up” for a funeral? You don’t need to be dressed up, just wear something respectable and classy and look like you’ve made the effort to get a wash in the morning and had a change of clothes out of what you wore to clean your toilet in. Since when was turning up to a funeral in anything other than joggers/ jeans/ trainers classed as being dressed up? Or have standards gone down hill so much now? It’s like people cannot be arsed to make the effort anymore.

YANBU

People have no idea how to dress for occasions now. We have lost all sense of style and propriety.

It's not just funerals. My manager was interviewing for a position last month and so many candidates turned up in the most causal clothing. Absolutely zero effort to look smart.

I'm very sorry for your loss.

It’s a mark of respect surely to dress smartly for a funeral unless instructed otherwise. I know of funerals where people were asked to wear football tops for example.
Standards are slipping everywhere. I remember when most houses had a mirror by the front door with a clothes brush hanging next to it so people could check their presentation before they left the home. My grandad would not dream of going to church without collar and tie. You wonder sometimes if people have actually had a wash because they look like they are wearing the clothes they slept in.

Each to their own, and if people want to celebrate it’s up to them, but it’s normal and healthy to mourn and be sad. Personally I think “forcing” people to treat a funeral as a happy event is trying to avoid the natural process of grieving.

If the attitude is that the deceased isn’t present so it doesn’t matter, then what’s the point of funerals at all (they won’t know who turned up)! Funerals are about ultimately for benefit of the living, not the dead.

A lowering in standards like everything else. I agree with you, to go to a funeral smart isn't alot to ask. Don't know if anyone can remember, but the household where the deceased lived, would close their blinds curtains, when the person had died, and they would be opened again when the family returned from the funeral. A mark of respect.

My husband died died fairly young (69). He was always up for a joke and a laugh. His funeral wasn't sombre or gloomy - it was a true celebration of his life. Everyone who attended said what a fabulous occasion it was, and a true reflection of his life. Tears were for before and after - not on that day. Black clothes and hats would have been totally out of place.

Celebration != party

Funeral rites are also a celebration of the life, remembrances and consolation. Pretty much every funeral I’ve attended or organised (included very formal requiems) has included those words “celebrate the life of”.

That is the purpose of the eulogies, the vigil period and the committal. Celebrate and remember the life, console the bereaved, pray for the dead (if religious) and say goodbye together. The celebration and the consolation and the formal grieving are part and parcel of the same thing.

Ohh. It’s because you said when you did jury duty you noticed it, i thought you meant the other jurors. The defendant is a bit different. For me i do equate formal clothing with being uncomfortable, I have autism and a lot of my sensory issues are around clothing that feels restrictive or tight so I’m willing to concede that i might be an outlier in this particular
area.

or to look at it from the other POV it cools be seen as really quite selfish to impose your own bias about what is considered ‘appropriate’ clothing in any given circumstance. sensory issues like I have, lack of money to buy more clothing, lack of opportunity to change if coming from work etc are all reasons why people might not be dressed to your standards. all the talk about ‘standards’ and what’s ‘appropriate’ are just cultural norms imposed by society and no actual reason for what is disrespectful about some clothing.

Oh have a day off, wearing a casual outfit to a funeral is nowhere near the same as having sex in a toilet 😂

I didn’t think she did. I assume she meant a fascinator type thing - which I would think odd at the very great majority of funerals. I would always wear at the least dark colours (easy for me as my job requires v conservative office wear so I can always cobble something sober together) but it takes all sorts - which was rather my point. I think it is better to attend in whatever than not attend though.

Oh come off it! It’s always been the norm to wear black for funerals for generations!

Lack of money to buy new clothing but can afford the latest Nike trainers 🤣

My kids are SEN and have sensory issues. I let them try clothing on themselves before buying. Can always find something other than joggers and bloody jeans for a special event that they are happy with!

All the talk about ‘standards’ eh? Well it’s been that way for many, many years. People have always managed to put together a sensible outfit right up until Covid. How did they manage before that? Yet it’s always the same people who seem to have some how lost their way during Covid, are completely stuck in a time warp circa 2020 where they started to wear joggers everywhere because it’s “comfy” who think they’re entitled to wear this shit at important events because the huge majority of them are selfish! End of!

I think you show your respect by your presence not some performative clothing.

or to look at it from the other POV it cools be seen as really quite selfish to impose your own bias about what is considered ‘appropriate’ clothing in any given circumstance.

This is actually why etiquette and dress codes exist; so that people know what's appropriate and what to do and wear. And so that the newly bereaved don't have to put up with asinine accusations of being "selfish" and "imposing" and "biased" while they're grieving because they'd like people to dress for the funeral like it's a funeral - the marking of a death and not a trip to Tesco, as OP says.

Yup! I’m not buying this shit that it’s “selfish to impose your own bias”. Dress codes have been around for generations. People have always managed to dress appropriately before this slob culture came about.

Surely there’s a middle ground?

Undeniably, it is very usual to dress reasonably smartly for a funeral. Equally, it’s possible to focus on who was there rather than what they wore.

Yes, it's ridiculous. Clothing changes our mood and the tone of an event, we all know this, in fact the people wanging on about how they should wear anything they like for any occasion know this best of all.

Sometimes the deceased or the family request a break from the usual etiquette because they would prefer people to wear the deceased's favourite colour or something like that. That's obviously absolutely fine, and it's funny that so many people would be happily all over that when it happens, but suddenly take such offence when there isn't such an exception and a different, default dress code applies instead. Makes no sense. People are more likely to have black basics in their wardrobes already than a specific colour.

Not buying the poverty argument either. Nowadays you can get a simple dark top/shirt and skirt/trousers from Vinted and get change from a tenner.

The last funeral I went to we were all asked to wear something relating to his favorite football team.

I don't think men should wear jogging bottoms in public.