To be upset at how many people turned up to my dad's funeral in casual clothes?

[Wheelchairbarbie]

My dad died last month and the funeral was yesterday. It was an unexpected death and very very painful for us all to lose him.
I don't know if I'm wrong and I shouldn't be focusing on it but I can't stop thinking about how many people came to the funeral yesterday just dressed as though it was a random day in Tesco.
Women in strappy tops and tight, short dresses, men in jeans or jogging bottoms, some not even clean, trainers and flip flops everywhere, hair in messy buns, it was all there.
I felt so upset that they didn't seem to think him or we were worth the effort.
I've never seen funeral guests dressed like this. I've always put on a black dress, spent time over my make up, worn nice jewellery and heels, maybe even a pashmina and a hairpiece. I'm only 35?

AIBU to have found it so upsetting?

Yes obviously unless the relatives of the deceased request that everyone turns up to the funeral in more casual/ relaxed attire then I would always assume that I needed to dress either in black or something dark / classy/ smart.

All this bullshit that they might not be able to “afford” to buy anything for a funeral when they rock up wearing the latest Nike trainers that cost well above £100 makes me laugh. There are such things like you say, as vinted, primark, even charity shops.

lol what a sheltered life you’ve lived 😁

If nothing else, borrow something. It doesn't need to fit perfectly or look amazing. The number of people who cannot possibly in any way source a plain, dark, suitable top and skirt/trousers in time for a funeral is near enough to zero as makes no difference.

How so?

Hey come on. This lady has just lost her dad. Don’t be mean.

Do you normally make a habit of speaking to recently bereaved people like this? If so, I'd say it might be better for you not to turn up at funerals at all. If OP is 'uptight, superficial and judgemental' and an 'ungrateful little madam' then so are quite a lot of us on this thread, as you'll see if you bother to read a few replies/look at the poll results. Can't believe how nasty you are being to someone who is already struggling. Shame on you.

Sorry for your loss. All the more surprising you would post those words. Did you not realise this was the OP?

For what it’s worth, I’m also in the it’s who came camp, but there’s no need to make such personal comments.

You don’t realise how entitled that argument sounds and you’re not the only one making this argument so it’s not aimed just at you.

People making this argument are saying how dare anyone question what I’m wearing you should be grateful I graced you with my presence….

Unless you are Madonna, get in the bin.

Turning up is bare minimum. Are we really a society where we are expected to be grateful for people just doing the bare minimum?

TBH I consider turning up looking shabby to be more disrespectful than not turning up at all.

I'm sorry to hear you are recently bereaved too, but it doesn't mean you get to say what should or shouldn't matter to other people.

Attacking and insulting the newly bereaved must matter very much to you. Very interesting that you've only just attended a funeral yourself and you were so far above caring what anyone wore, but you cared enough about it being discussed in this thread to come in and take a swing at a grieving daughter.

Peachy love indeed.

Some of us have different opinions. I can't get my head around it being more disrespectful than to not turn up at all.

It's not easy for everyone to attend funerals due to work and family commitments. The fact these people made the effort to make the time, in my opinion, is not the bare minimum.

Try turning up to wedding in tracksuit bottoms and sliders and remind the bride and groom they should just be grateful you have attended. You could try the same at christenings, and golden wedding anniversary parties too. Give it a go at your next job interview see how grateful they are that you attended in a dirty t-shirt, or the next time you meet a client, don’t worry about showering or getting out of your pyjamas.

Let me know how it goes. 😆

Agree completely....it's like mass denial.

I agree too.

Right I am being completely genuine now as I clearly need this spelled out to me.

Why is it ridiculous?

I accept that it is not ideal, but as a last resort if apparently there's no time to go home and theres no toilets in your workplace and you also apparently don't have time to detour to the nearest supermarket or wherever....why is using a conparatively private, enclosed convenient and safe space (which you can park in a secluded spot, Im not suggesting you whip your top off in the carpark next to the church as the mourners look on) "ridiculous"?

It's something ive done multiple times in my life and know many other people do so (again excluding those with disabilites) why is it apparently such an insane suggestion?

If you are going to reply to my post, at least refer to what I said correctly. I said ‘behind’ a toilet, not ‘in’ a toilet, and thus potentially visible to children.

This resonates hugely. It induces a very odd cognitive dissonance from personal experience and the bereaved can feel incredibly pressured to "put on a show" to appease those determined to jolly them along. Missing the physical every day presence of a much loved person, and adjusting to that is incredibly hard. Regardless of personal beliefs about "better places" (shudder) accepting a new and unwanted reality is made all the harder by this new trend of skipping straight to "happy memories only". Often deaths are unexpected, traumatic, or family dynamics are complex - it's deeply, deeply personal. But the bereaved are judged for struggling, and it can actually prolong suffering, because one doesn't feel safe enough to process things with people one might have previously counted on.

This whole thread has thrown up alot of "get over it" messaging, some meant kindly, some not so much. And the point is, that yes, while everybody dies, and everybody will experience a profound loss, there is a strange element of toxic positivity that can really disrupt any hope of a healing process.

I do think that the structure of our rituals around death is important.

I do dress up for a funeral, but I have been to plenty where not everyone has.

With many of the ones where people haven't dressed traditionally, it is lack of money and in others it was more that people were having to work and then take an afternoon off to attend, so they still had some element of work gear on. It is also a reflection of a more casual society as a whole.

I would take comfort in the fact that they turned out for him.

Beautifully expressed.
We are not automatons; it may be slow, difficult, painful, terrifying, but we need to grieve. It seems to be seen as somehow inefficient. Back to normal, back to work, back to consuming.
It is important to honour the dead.

I mean, I would never wear shorts and flip flops to such an occasion, but people are differant. I imagine that some came from work? Some maybe wore the nicest thing they had, some maybe don't know any better? But the important thing is that they came to pay their respects. I guess people are poorer nowadays too.

I don't think anyone has suggested otherwise, or that the OP is anything other than absolutely within her rights to be grieving and raw. None of that maps onto some of the deeply unpleasant language used about people attending funerals casually dressed, though.

I think you show your respect by making the effort to wear an appropriate and respectful outfit AND being present, it’s not either/or - if you turned up to the Ritz and the staff there were wearing dirty joggers and flip flops would you think oh, well they’re here so that’s enough, or would you think I’m not paying £1k a night to be served by chavs?