To be upset at how many people turned up to my dad's funeral in casual clothes?

[Wheelchairbarbie]

My dad died last month and the funeral was yesterday. It was an unexpected death and very very painful for us all to lose him.
I don't know if I'm wrong and I shouldn't be focusing on it but I can't stop thinking about how many people came to the funeral yesterday just dressed as though it was a random day in Tesco.
Women in strappy tops and tight, short dresses, men in jeans or jogging bottoms, some not even clean, trainers and flip flops everywhere, hair in messy buns, it was all there.
I felt so upset that they didn't seem to think him or we were worth the effort.
I've never seen funeral guests dressed like this. I've always put on a black dress, spent time over my make up, worn nice jewellery and heels, maybe even a pashmina and a hairpiece. I'm only 35?

AIBU to have found it so upsetting?

I'm 59, an educated fairly middle class professional who wears a smart black dress, court shoes, tights and jacket to funerals and have absolutely no idea what you are talking about. A hairpiece?? As in a toupè?? I'm wondering if you mean a fascinator and have just used the wrong word? I sympathise about people attending in paint splattered work clothes, but you sound unhinged expecting anyone to wear a wig.

I noticed the same while serving jury duty. If people can’t dress appropriately for funerals/weddings/court, what do they dress up for?

OP clarified she meant a fascinator, or hair band ect.

Funerals are for the living, not the dead.
Sorry for for the loss of your father, but if there was a way to communicate with him after his death, would he really be moaning about the lack of suits, heels and hair pieces at his funeral?
I bet he would be more concerned with what people were saying about him, not what they were wearing.

Honestly I sometimes think that school has a lot to do with this lack of respect and casual clothes. I think schools are one of the last places where semi formal attire is compulsory. I was at a graduation today and honestly I found some of the students casual clothes jarring. Dirty runners, one guy was wearing an old rugby shirt, I know people say let them wear what they want but personally I have just in me a kind of standard where it’s respectful to wear formal clothes for formal occasions?

Not RTFT and only the OP's responses.

I imagine the men in dirty work clothes had come straight out of work and would be going back immediately after the service.

When my father died, retired for years from the bus company, an employee came along, in uniform, and stood on the pavement as the coffin left. He had his work bag with him so imagine he too was going straight back to work. No disrespect at ll.

The rest of the casual wear? Slack beyond belief.

I came on to write about a funeral I attended recently where several men turned up in their work clothes. They had obviously come away from their work in the middle of the day and were probably contractors on an hourly or day rate or self-employed. So they actually gave up some pay to come and pay their respects, which at the time I thought was a great tribute and showed how much they had liked the man we were saying farewell to.

sorry for your loss op. I have also just lost a parent and are due to have the funeral soon and im more concerned about whether people will actually bother to turn up to the funeral. Parent was very traditional and it will be a black dress code but in all honesty I couldn't care less about what people are wearing just as long as they turn up.
it will be so sad if only immediate family show up as there isn't many of us.

So sorry for your loss. I hope the day goes as well as it can for you .

I went to a funeral of a 33 year old women and one of my friend’s husbands wore jeans and dirty trainers. I was disgusted. He absolutely has dress trousers and smart shoes because he wears them to rugby events. But for this he looked like he was going out shopping for the day.

not ok. And I am sorry for yous loss

Thank you. my loved one was very sociable and popular in their younger days until dementia kicked in. Friends soon disappeared, many now also passed away.
Remaining Friends are already coming up with excuses not to come which im not surprised about tbh as none of them have visited in years anyway.
its sad how older people particularly those with dementia become unimportant and forgotten about to those who they once had great times with and made great memories with.

My sympathies for your loss.

But wearing everyday clothes doesn't necessarily mean a lack of respect for the departed, who might perhaps have been more accepting of ordinary working people than you appear to be.

And perhaps more respectful of their good intentions, and less inclined to "feel superior" on the basis of shallow appearance.

I have absolutely no idea what anyone wore to my parents funerals. The fact people cared enough to come is all that mattered to me. I’d much rather people came in joggers than felt like they couldn’t because they don’t have smart clothing to wear.

maybe they don’t dress up? what’s so wrong with that? jury duty is a long day where you have to be paying attention to what’s happening, being comfortable so you can concentrate is much more important than dressing up.

I’ve done it loads of times. You can either be arsed or you can’t!

Like you with your vile post earlier? You are about the most vile person on this thread with what you wrote about the op! A grieving daughter of a man who has recently passed away! Don’t you dare talk about me being unpleasant after your disgusting comments on here! You have absolutely no shame! Disgusting

It's called having standards. And reasonably smart clothes don't need to be uncomfortable. Covid really has done a number on society if any outfit that doesn't consist of jeans or sweatpants is now considered 'dressing up'.

Don't presume to speak for 'most people', please. You're wrong about this (as evidenced by the poll on this thread, as it currently stands) - plenty of people still think it's important to dress a bit more smartly for a funeral, and that, yes, being dressed more smartly conveys respect. It's not 'unusually formal' to think/behave in that way at all.

Yes, of course. A bunch of drug addicts her dad used to know turned up. 🙄

Perhaps the heat has affected the ability of many people to wear their normal funeral suit without fainting.

I live in a hot country and a funeral in Summer would be attended by men in suits and ties.

However, it is unseasonally hot there so people could be just doing their best.

Haha honestly I can’t believe the amount of people coming on here to defend lazy ass people dressing like slobs for a funeral.

Couldn’t afford to dress properly? Yet they can walk about in trainers that probably cost over £100. They can afford that!

And substance abuse? Who wants a bunch of druggies at their dad’s funeral! Jesus wept.
Love the stereotype of labelling them druggies though, the very people they run on here to defend they also then end up insulting! Obviously shows what these people must really think of the joggers and trainers gang 🤣

Funerals where I live (not the hide bound, doomy gloomy UK) are very much seen as celebrations of life and are often full of laughter. People don't generally wear black here, some people get dressed up, some don't. Most people don't care.

Thank goodness I don't live in the UK where people are apparently watching like hawks to make sure you are dressed in what they deem as appropriate. It really says something about a person when they are more concerned about what someone wears than the fact that they took the time to attend.

The U.K. is not ‘doomy or gloomy’ what a childish, moronic description!

We are enjoying the best summer ever, of brilliant sport, tennis, football success and summer fun with wall to wall sunshine for months! There is nowhere more beautiful than the bucolic fiields and tremendous good feeling in peak summer here, thanks all the same.

I attend many funerals with work and see people wearing (in my opinion) disrespectful clothes but crocs are the ultimate no no for me. I was at a service last week and one of the mourners had crocs on, I’m still appalled.

It is easy.

But so what if it isn't? Do it anyway because it's the right thing to do and not everything is about you and your comfort.