To be upset at how many people turned up to my dad's funeral in casual clothes?

[Wheelchairbarbie]

My dad died last month and the funeral was yesterday. It was an unexpected death and very very painful for us all to lose him.
I don't know if I'm wrong and I shouldn't be focusing on it but I can't stop thinking about how many people came to the funeral yesterday just dressed as though it was a random day in Tesco.
Women in strappy tops and tight, short dresses, men in jeans or jogging bottoms, some not even clean, trainers and flip flops everywhere, hair in messy buns, it was all there.
I felt so upset that they didn't seem to think him or we were worth the effort.
I've never seen funeral guests dressed like this. I've always put on a black dress, spent time over my make up, worn nice jewellery and heels, maybe even a pashmina and a hairpiece. I'm only 35?

AIBU to have found it so upsetting?

DD messaged me recently about funeral attire for baby DGC! I suggested plain white and as it was so hot baby ended up in a white bodysuit - hopefully no one was offended!
DD borrowed a black linen short sleeve dress of mine at 35 degrees was best we could think of
At my DF funeral I didn’t even notice or care what anyone wore - I was just blown away by the number of people who turned up! Including the local pharmacist and everyone from his rehab team (physio, OT, SALT etc)

Grief counselling is readily available

Newsflash - bereavement is deeply unpleasant.

There's probably a good reason so many people don't remember what anyone wore at their parents' funerals. If everyone turns up in what people normally wear at funerals then it goes unnoticed. It's only the joggers etc that would stick in the memory.

So is not being patronising and condescending

And yet, here you are

@Wheelchairbarbie are you on your own? If you’re in the uk, why don’t you try to get some sleep. You’ve had a rotten thing happen to you. I don’t think this thread is going to make you feel any better. Take care xxx

I’d leave the thread OP. It’s not going to help you or make you feel any better.

The funeral is done. You can’t turn back time and apply a strict dress code.

Concentrate on getting through the grief day by day and not arguing online with anonymous strangers. Take care.

I agree about the standards- clean, tidy, not too uncovered is the norm- and im so sorry for your loss.

In an ideal world, of course, it would be respectful if people took the time to dress appropriately and soberly for a funeral. However, I think it's more important that someone has made the time to attend and pay their respects.

OP, am so very sorry for your loss.

Edited for typo

Oh come on you're absolutely stretching here. How long does it take you (or most adults without a disability) to do a basic change?
Do you require the assistance of three ladies maids to fit your corset or something?
I can take off a dirty t shirt and leggings and replace it with a summer dress in about 20 seconds, in a car if needed.

Sorry for your loss.
I think unless a dress code is specified people turn up in whatever. I always dress properly but have seen people dressed as a jumble sale. Maybe the heat put them off of dressing properly.
Try to be glad people cared and showed up rather than view it as a lack of respect 🙏

Oh yes getting changed in your car is so easy, I don’t know why more people don’t do it 🙄

I don’t think some of the posters on this thread see much of other peiole. Which, given the unpleasantness of some of their comments, is hardly surprising.

I'm so sorry your dad has passed OP.

I agree that looking clean and modest is the minimum dress code for a funeral.

It sounds like a lot of people joined you for his funeral, and he sounds like a very kind man. I've never seen anyone in dirty joggers or short/ tight dresses at a funeral before either. Were they his friends? I don't think anyone would purposely not make an effort for your dad if they made the effort to attend.

Sending you lots of strength and love

But surely funerals are one of the few times where what YOU (as in an attendee) want is put on the backburner and you do whatever helps the mourner, even if you personally dont agree with it or see the necessity?

If dressing smartly doesnt matter to you then by all means tell people at the funeral of your loved ones to wear whatever. But if it clearly does matter to enough other people then surely you err on the side of caution even if wearing loose trousers rather than joggers makes you personally 1% less comfortable.

Im honestly amazed that so many people are justifying this. If OP was complaining that people weren't in full on suits and black dresses that would be one thing but "clean and vaguely appropriate clothes" is surely just a bog standard level expectation of normal adult daily wear if you are leaving the house, let alone going to a funeral!

Kind of torn on this, they turned up to pay their respects. When we buried our stillborn, DPs nephews (about 25 at the time) turned up wearing decorators overalls covered in paint etc. as they could only get so much time off work. There were several mutterings at how disrespectful it was etc. But they came and in the end that's all that mattered to me. How would you feel if the attendees you are talking about didn't come? X I'm so sorry for your loss OP, be kind to yourself xx

No you’re wrong , a celebration of life is called a christening ! , not a shitty funeral where you have to say goodbye to someone you love .

Whilst I don’t feel everyone should dress up & in black , you do go clean though , & most definitely don’t wear a dress up your ass with a strappy top ..

The important fact that s that people turned up. Not everyone has funeral
clothes or the money to buy them. Why place so much importance on what people wore? They gave up their time to come and support you. Be grateful.

@Wheelchairbarbie do you mind me asking which denomination you are, and are you in England?
I'm Irish & on the same page as the other Irish posters on this thread. I'm from a small town & had a Catholic upbringing. Weekly mass and funeral masses were/are a casual affair. There was one small CoI church in my home town and I found it very strange as a child that its attendees dressed quite formally for weekly service.
Were the attendees of your father's funeral from a variety of religious/cultural backgrounds?

I agree. Unless you are invited to dress colourfully or casually, minimum effort is having a wash and wearing clean clothes in dark colours like black, navy or charcoal (or white with black accessories if it’s particularly warm.) Any ceremony likely to have a religious element to it (like funerals) requires shoulders and thighs to be fully covered. So nothing short and no vest tops. The weather is no excuse. People in living in hot countries still manage to look smart.

I’m not sure poverty is much of an excuse either- all adults should own a plain top/shirt, smart dark trousers/skirt, clean underwear and a smart pair of shoes. There are places to buy these items cheaply but if you reach out to your church, family or friends, people can be quite generous in donating clothes, especially ‘interview clothes.’

Children under the age of 12 are the only ones who are traditionally not expected to wear black. However, they should still be respectful in ‘their Sunday best’ so clean and in muted colours and formal styles. Even babies should be in the nicest daytime outfit they own.

I agree it’s really annoying that despite us all being a lot more relaxed about dresscode lots of people still push below acceptable standards.

It is easy! Why wouldnt it be? Im starting to wonder if Ive spent my entire life getting changed wrong given the way people are reacting on here seems to suggest it needs half an hour and 5 people to assist! What on earth are you all doing?

If you bothered to read I did specify"if needed" because most people do have other options and that would be a last resort in the desperately scraping scenarios people are apparently envisioning where someone has been allowed to take three hours off work to travel to, attend, and travel back to a funeral but not a minute extra to pop to a toilet or wherever to change their top beforehand.

Can't believe the levels people are scrabbling to to justify not being able to take dirty top off and replace it with clean one! Or even just put a shirt on OVER the dirty one - no car or privacy needed at all for that! How do you manage daily life if something so basic is an insurmountable chore?

Thank you

Not excusing dirty clothes, just saying that the suggestion that people should just get changed in a car is pretty ridiculous.

Agreed

Still mulling this one over, what if this thread was titled: 'to be upset at how many people turned upto my Dad's funeral'