To be upset at how many people turned up to my dad's funeral in casual clothes?

[Wheelchairbarbie]

My dad died last month and the funeral was yesterday. It was an unexpected death and very very painful for us all to lose him.
I don't know if I'm wrong and I shouldn't be focusing on it but I can't stop thinking about how many people came to the funeral yesterday just dressed as though it was a random day in Tesco.
Women in strappy tops and tight, short dresses, men in jeans or jogging bottoms, some not even clean, trainers and flip flops everywhere, hair in messy buns, it was all there.
I felt so upset that they didn't seem to think him or we were worth the effort.
I've never seen funeral guests dressed like this. I've always put on a black dress, spent time over my make up, worn nice jewellery and heels, maybe even a pashmina and a hairpiece. I'm only 35?

AIBU to have found it so upsetting?

You said this “He had standards he held himself to, but that doesn’t mean he’d have applied them to others or stood in judgement of them.”

That was you literally trying to explain op’s own dad to her. Do you think you know him better than his own daughter?

These are facts. One thing doesn’t mean the other thing. I could have couched it in hypothetical terms instead ‘just because someone has standards they hold themselves to doesn’t mean they hold others to the same standard’. The OP told us about one of those things and not the other, so when she pulled up other posters for ignoring her comment about how he had standards she appeared to be conflating the two.

I was genuinely trying to help having seen the OP express frustration at people ignoring that sentence, by explaining why people wouldn’t automatically make the link.

I also tried to make a kind comment. I don’t know why people are treating me like I’ve acted in bad faith.

You said "He had standards he held himself to, but that doesn’t mean he’d have applied them to others or stood in judgement of them."

Yes it does, because I said it does. I said if he had attended a funeral with me and my mum and siblings and seen people dressed the way they were yesterday, he would have been disappointed in them.

And if I say it, the that's how it is, because he was my dad.

So please do not contradict me.

Thank you for your condolences

Op knows her own dad though so when she says he had standards and that she was also brought up with standards, why go telling her how you think her dad would have reacted to the way people were dressing at his own funeral. Only op knows her own dad.

I didn’t think this was posted in bad faith, for what it’s worth.

The OP is understandably very upset and I don’t think they’re going to get much solace in this thread. Inevitably some people will think what matters is that people came and others will think the attire was disrespectful.

Hi im sorry for your loss OP . I can relate actually. A few people turned up to my mums funeral not in black . It still annoys me now. It's a small thing that people can do to show respect and solidarity with the greiving family, as well as showing a level of respect to the deceased . As if to say of course they are worth the effort of doing something different. To the person who said black is a morbid colour , of course it is . It's not supposed to be a happy, colourful occasion, it's a funeral .
Unless of course the deceased wishes were to wear a particular colour then i would understand.
Again , so sorry for your loss .

As I said, I wasn’t trying to do that, but I accept it came across that way since I’d missed the OPs post saying her dad would have been disappointed. Apologies for that.

Sorry for your loss OP. I lost my Dad unexpectedly a couple of years ago when I was also your age. I would feel the same as you I think - I would always make the effort to look smart and would expect others to as well, whatever smart looks like for them.

I gently would add that this will be feeling really sensitive for you right now, and the bigger picture is that those people did all come to show their love and respect for you, and to support your family. I can still remember who did and didn’t message, and who did and didn’t come to my Dad’s funeral. When it matters so so much to you those things can cut deeply.

I hope you’re doing okay, losing a parent is awful and your Dad sounds like a wonderful man.

I’m so sorry for your loss OP. Some people are honestly just bizarre. I met a lady at a very sad funeral (the person died relatively young and suddenly) and she showed up wearing extremely loud bright colours. Which is fine if that’s the brief, but everyone else was in black and his widow and daughter were still inconsolable. Then this woman preceded to tell me a long story about how she knew the deceased through her brother, who was also now deceased but had stolen their mother’s house. And all I said was a passing “hello, how did you know X?”

It’s disrespectful and bizarre but that’s some people for you. Again, I’m very sorry for your loss.

My favourite inappropriate Court dress story is when the Legal Adviser suggested to the defendant he went to the Gents, took his t-shirt off, tuned it inside out and put it back on before returning to the Court. He was up for possession of cannabis and the very obvious logo on the shirt was.....a cannabis leaf 🙄

That's why most Irish people have smart dark clothing already in their wardrobe.

People are being unnecessarily contrary (and really quite nasty) about this.
"Dress smartly for funerals" isn't a niche or archaic social rule, and it's been the standard at every funeral I've ever been to, even if wearing black wasn't required.

That doesn't mean that there could never be exceptional circumstances, or that you should be kicking people out the church, but I'd be quite hurt myself if people turned up to one of my parents' funeral having obviously not thought it was worth making an effort for.

This issue of dress is one of the 34,087 reasons I will not be having a funeral. I will have a no service cremation.
To be fair, there is nobody who will need emotional support after my death and I have no religious beliefs.
My half brother was known for his fun BBQs and asked men to wear Hawaiian shirts and ladies to wear bright colours to his funeral. The funeral was a real celebration of his life and there were loads of laughs.
Each to their own.

Exactly.

I wonder what all the ‘you should just be glad they came, it’s not important’ people would tell their partners or friends or adult children if they showed them their planned funeral outfit of skimpy dress, flip flops and messy bun, or paint stained joggers and scruffy t-shirt. Would you honestly say ‘yes, go ahead, all that matters is that you’re there’ or would you say ‘hmm, do you not have something a bit smarter? I think the family might prefer it if you could wear something more funeral-appropriate’??

And it’s bloody patronising telling the OP what does and doesn’t matter, what should and shouldn’t upset her right now. If you’ve lost a parent or experienced a comparable grief you’ll know that it’s WILD the things that can upset you - it doesn’t mean OP is going to carry this to her own grave with her, or enact some kind of terrible vengeance. She’s allowed to be upset, it’s ok if this matters to her right now.

Of course it would be nice if people made an effort with their appearance, but they thought enough of your Dad to come to his funeral - and to be fair that counts for a lot these days (sad times, I know)

They didn't come to the funeral to be judged on their attire, they came because your Dad was special or important to them and maybe, that was all the effort they could muster, whether you agree or disagree with their decision

So sorry for your loss 💐

Smart jeans at a funeral is fine, paired with a smart top or jacket. Times and approaches change. Tracksuit bottoms and flip flops not so much.
Work clothes is a tricky one, at FIL’s funeral earlier in the year some people came to support family members and they were in their work clothes.

@CitronellaCandles I've reported your vicious, cruel post and I hope MNHQ get to it before OP sees it. I also hope they ban you altogether - you don't belong here. Shame on you.

A very thoughtful post, especially the middle 2 paragraphs MistressoftheDarkSide

Sou da lije one of my relatives funeral. She was always well turned out. Her coffin was brought in on a trolley with her grandkids (all adults) alongside pushing it. One girls skirt was so short could see her knickers and the top so low her boob's were falling out, one chap had jeans and a slashed t shirt *diagonal holes across front, another in ripped jeans and white t shirt with lots of gold chains. Another relative turned up in grey joggers with sequins down the side of the legs and a grey sweatshirt with zebra print across the front! I wore a nay dress and shoes and my brother black trousers white shirt black tie. I've been to funerals where they ask you to wear bright happy colours to celebrate the life but joggers and sexy short stuff is not appropriate. I think its a lack of respect to the family of the deceased not to at least wear something smart/tidy/more formal definitely not flip flops!!

I’ve only read your responses OP, but it’s wild to me that you’re getting any stick for this. Classic MN, “cool wife” attitude but apparently now for funerals?! You’re obviously in the right, IMO, and those guests should feel embarrassed by their choices.

However, as someone who lost their father last year and is your age as well, try not to let it cloud your thoughts and memories of your lovely dad at this very difficult time. My condolences.

@Wheelchairbarbie , I’m very sorry for your loss. I would always be very smart at a funeral too and somber unless otherwise directed.
I was sorry at both my parents funeral’s about the people who I thought valued them but who didn’t come to pay their respects, that hurt. Try to be glad that people made the effort to come and celebrate your dad’s life with you. Not for them but for you, you have enough to cope with now without getting upset about little details.

Surely the important thing is that they showed up?

I do get this, but the OP came asking for opinions and people have shared perspectives on why it does or doesn’t matter to them, and why it might not automatically be a sign of disrespect.
Of course she’s entitled to be disappointed because it wasn’t what she expected, or to read those opinions and decide it hasn’t helped her feel any better, or realise what she needs is a vent and handhold.

I’m so sorry, that must have been very difficult.

If the op didn’t say it why would they need an excuse - this is a discussion - there are many replies, maybe you’ve read them, the replies on the side of the Op are deeply unpleasant - I’m assuming they are grieving - otherwise what excuse do they have?