To be upset at how many people turned up to my dad's funeral in casual clothes?

[Wheelchairbarbie]

My dad died last month and the funeral was yesterday. It was an unexpected death and very very painful for us all to lose him.
I don't know if I'm wrong and I shouldn't be focusing on it but I can't stop thinking about how many people came to the funeral yesterday just dressed as though it was a random day in Tesco.
Women in strappy tops and tight, short dresses, men in jeans or jogging bottoms, some not even clean, trainers and flip flops everywhere, hair in messy buns, it was all there.
I felt so upset that they didn't seem to think him or we were worth the effort.
I've never seen funeral guests dressed like this. I've always put on a black dress, spent time over my make up, worn nice jewellery and heels, maybe even a pashmina and a hairpiece. I'm only 35?

AIBU to have found it so upsetting?

I think the crux of the matter is that most people used to hear "funeral" and had a general grasp of what funeral attire meant. I'm not opposed to the tailoring of a funeral to the deceased and their relatives preferences if stated, by any means. But if it's a funeral with no dress code specified, somewhat formal, somewhat sombre, and definitely with an element of grooming is just a safe and respectful standard.

Office wear slots into that, generally. Work uniforms / tradesmans attire because it is a break in their day, also understandable. People not constrained in that way who go ultra casual I think is a shame. A funeral is a formal occasion. I really am not getting why this is so hard to grasp.

Jesus h Christ @CitronellaCandles have you had a really bad week or something? I cannot imagine for a moment what on earth happened to you to make such a truly horrible post.

Hi op, sorry for the loss of your dad ❤️ I lost my dad last year, I’m a bit younger than you and I was honestly so heartbroken that I couldn’t tell you what people were wearing. I do think you’re focusing a lot of your energy on this rather than appreciating that people took the time to come to pay their respects to your dad and missed time off work etc. it could be the grief making you hyperfocus on this but on the other hand I personally always wear black to a funeral unless otherwise stated and would always be clean and well presented for a funeral- so I do kinda understand in that respect xx

I have read the whole thread, so apologies if something similar has already been said.

I lost my dad unexpectedly a couple of months ago, too, and it can be really hard to separate the grief from losing him from the upset at other, much less important things. I fixated on a couple of toxic guests at his funeral who made shitty comments and really got more upset and angry about it than it warranted, but I can see that, actually, I was just very sad, and that was the root of how I reacted.

It might be that people didn't dress up in the way you expected, but they did make the effort to be there and pay their respects, and maybe you need to give yourself the space to be okay with that. What they were wearing (or not wearing) is just a distraction, and it doesn't diminish him or the loss you are feeling.

I think if you can step back from this specific annoyance and give yourself time to grieve for him without focusing on what other people are doing or feeling, it might be easier. The grief does get better slowly, but it's bloody hard, so tune out the stuff that doesn't really matter and be as kind to yourself as you can be. xx

Some people are truly vile. To kick a grieving woman who has just lost her father when she is already down anyway, trying to make her believe she ruined her own father’s funeral by focusing on just how disrespectful those who turned up looking like they couldn’t be arsed to be there, just shows what sort of cruel people we have in society.

I have a black dress I bring out for funerals. I think it just shows a bit of respect.

I'd hope that no one who called friends,family and workmates scrubbers got anywhere near a funeral for anyone I'd lost.

It's that they came to pay their respects that matters not what they wore. Sorry for your loss.

The OP didn’t use any of those terms though, so I’m not sure why you feel you need to ‘excuse’ her for anything? She was saddened and disappointed and that’s all she’s said.

There seems to be a bit of a trend for going "tough love" on bereaved people in general these days. Seen it alot on threads where anyone struggling with their grief is expected to suck it up, not be needy in anyway and never commit the sin of inducing compassion fatigue in their nearests and dearests. Just an observation.

The OP has not expressed anything even verging on ‘profoundly unpleasant’ - she’s said she was upset that’s all. Can you please point to what she’s said that has made you feel justified in attacking a grieving woman in this way?

Even if she had been unpleasant - she is as you said grieving, I wonder what your excuse is?

I’m sorry for your loss @Wheelchairbarbie and I’m sorry about some of the replies you are getting to your post. Mumsnet seems to be getting more and more contrary with posters seemingly willing to argue black is white for the sake of it.
I always wear black smart clothes to a funeral and would expect others to do likewise as a mark of respect to the family of the deceased as well as the person who passed away. It’s a long established tradition and with clothes being fairly cheap and black being readily available, within the reach of most adults.

But you will find there are numerous posters who claim that nobody notices what anyone else wears. Contrast this with a wedding guest thread where you will be judged for wearing the wrong colour dress (no white, no red, no florals on a white ground, not the bridesmaids colours etc) which apparently everyone will notice. The inconsistency is huge.

I agree. I would simply be pleased that they took the time to attend the funeral instead of criticizing what they wore.

I'm not in the UK and while a family member might get as dressed up as OP for a funeral it's not normal attire at all.

Sorry for your loss OP, but you are focusing on something which really doesn't matter.

Every time there is a "what to wear to a funeral" thread on here there a posters who claim it doesnt matter (colour/ level of formality) and that the important thing is to show up. Pretending that clothes dont mean anything.
It's similar with weddings

At my brother's funeral last year, only 4 people turned up. He was unmarried and didn't have a social circle. I wouldn't have minded what they wore tbh but I wish more people would have turned up.

@Wheelchairbarbie did many of them go back to work afterwards?

Was your dad a fairly relaxed chap op? Or was he always quite smart? I wonder if his friends just thought he wouldn’t mind.

I’ve occasionally gone to a funeral in my work uniform if I’m short on time but want to pay my respects.

Im really sorry for your loss.

Is it possible that they didn't know about the funeral until the last minute.

Someone who worked at my office husband died. She had been off whilst he was ill. He died and she let someone know at the office when the funeral was. This was meant to be shared but it wasn't. A colleague and I found out on the day and wanted to pay our respects, so literally left the office and went straight to the crematorium and then went back to work straight after the service. Our work colleague was so touched that we turned up, and luckily didn't mind that we were not in funeral attire.

He had standards he held himself to, but that doesn’t mean he’d have applied them to others or stood in judgement of them.

I’m so sorry for your loss. I hope in time you will feel some comfort from knowing these people cared about your dad enough to come and pay their respects and reminisce together.

Do not explain my own dad to me!!

Hmm. That was her coat for the occasion, presumably. While I'd wear a special dress for a wedding, I wouldn't splash out on a new coat and my normal summer jacket is a denim one so I may well be in a denim jacket for a wedding. I don't think it's comparable.

OP I think people just have no idea what's appropriate any more. I would always wear black to a funeral unless I knew for certain that a different dress code were in place.

My mum is dying right now and wants people to wear what they are comfortable in when she dies. I would prefer people dressed smartly but I'll respect mum's wishes of course. It's typical of her that she would be thinking of others.

They showed up and that’s what means the most. My mums funeral was packed and that meant everything to me. I didn’t notice anyone’s clothes.

I wasn’t trying to, I was explaining the difference between what other posters were saying and what you said they were missing from your post.

Sitting in quiet solidarity with you x

I think it's very personal. I would just be happy that people made the effort to come and sympathise, but Irish funerals are quite casual. If you feel upset though, that's how you feel.