To be upset at how many people turned up to my dad's funeral in casual clothes?

[Wheelchairbarbie]

My dad died last month and the funeral was yesterday. It was an unexpected death and very very painful for us all to lose him.
I don't know if I'm wrong and I shouldn't be focusing on it but I can't stop thinking about how many people came to the funeral yesterday just dressed as though it was a random day in Tesco.
Women in strappy tops and tight, short dresses, men in jeans or jogging bottoms, some not even clean, trainers and flip flops everywhere, hair in messy buns, it was all there.
I felt so upset that they didn't seem to think him or we were worth the effort.
I've never seen funeral guests dressed like this. I've always put on a black dress, spent time over my make up, worn nice jewellery and heels, maybe even a pashmina and a hairpiece. I'm only 35?

AIBU to have found it so upsetting?

I think some people see it as a moral failing to not dress smartly at a funeral

Yep. That would be me. I'm some people.

My Dad's funeral was at the start of the year and I barely noticed what a lot of people were wearing. We asked for traditional funeral clothes, but we or our Dad didn't really care, he was just the sort of person who would dress smart for a funeral, so thought it might be nice others did for his. Not everyone dressed in black or suited up and I didnt get upset, I was just moved so many people came.

I would maybe expect immediate family and pall bearers might make more of an effort, but colleagues and old friends less so, especially if they were coming from work and going back. If they were there, they obviously cared, so I'd focus on that.

I'm sorry for your loss.

Views on funeral attire vary widely as the thread demonstrates.

Nobody (or next to nobody) turns up at a funeral with the intention of upsetting the deceased's family.

They may be many reasons for it but it wasn't intentionally disrespectful. It might have felt that was put if people didn't care, they wouldn't have attended.

Losing a parent is shit and it's hard because nobody intented to disrespect your father.

Some people don't think about clothes in the same way. Not everyone sees clothes as a sign of respect. I really feel for you, because I do think dressing nicely for a funeral is important, and a sign of respect, and I think I would also feel quite upset in your position... but I don't think it will do you any good to assume their casual attire meant they didn't care about your dad. You'll feel much better if you give them the benefit of the doubt.

Oh the irony of that first sentence. 🙄

Sigh.

Life with your loved ones is a ‘celebration of life’. A funeral is a formal occasion to say goodbye and grieve collectively. Wearing somber clothing distinguishes that. Wearing a sombrero turns it in to a party which defeats the whole point.

If they cared enough to be there, and they had to put something on when they got dressed in the morning anyway, it doesn't seem like that massive a reach to suggest they could have reached for (or packed to change into later) one of the smarter items in their wardrobe. It's hardly the twelve labours of Hercules.

“Not everyone sees clothes as a sign of respect.”

Funny that, because go back 10 years before the joggers slob trend and I’m pretty sure the huge majority of people used to turn up wearing the appropriate sort of attire for a funeral as a sign of respect

Your post made me tear up, the part about the school uniform. How lovely the children wanted to be there and that the school allowed them to miss school to be so.

Sorry for your loss 🌷

I agree OP. I attended a funeral last month and was shocked at the number of people in jeans and T-shirt. The deceased was a rocker so I would have expected maybe some appropriate band shirts and leathers, but some of the guests were just not suitable. I was not quaffed to the nines as was hottest day in june but I wore suitable black dress, shoes and bag. Also, when I realised my intended dress had a stain on it 5 minutes before my taxi picked me up, I managed to grab an equally suitable one from the wardrobe.

How can you police that, anyone can show up to a funeral.

And me.

I've gotten changed in pub toilets/the car when I've had a long drive and had to have nice uncreased clothes for funerals and interviews etc. If you are at work, i really isn't a case of either turn up or look smart. It is possible to show respect for an hour or so to mark the passing of someone and do both. Even if it is hot.

This was a funeral for her dad. She can feel however the hell she wants to feel.

On the whole funeral are a sombre affair/celebration of life, funerals can mean different things to different people and will vary due to circumstances.

There's a big difference between a 98 year old dying quickly, painlessly after a long fullfilling life than a child dying after a serious illness/ accident for example.

That's why opinions are so mixed and people will have different views to mine.

I'm Irish and think our funerals are typically a mix of both - a deep and profound loss yet couplee with a celebration of life where the eulogy focuses on the person, fond memories and the most things that will be missed.

Grief is hard no matter what.
Very little makes it any better.
No one intends to disrespect anyone.

I would be glad they found the time / took time off to come. I am always over dressed for funerals - not in black but I have a specific emerald green dress I wear. But others come in jeans. I live abroad where funerals are far more casual than I knew growing up in the UK. Turning up and paying respects is far more important than how they dress.

I am so sorry for your loss.

I’m sorry this as upset you and I’m surprised that people turned up like that. I’ve been to my fair share of funerals and never know people to turn up dressed like that. Mostly catholic funerals but a few non catholic ones and have only ever seen someone in a pair of blue jeans once but at least they were clean.

I wouldn’t wear a head piece but then I wouldn’t wear one to a wedding or the races etc. I would never always wear something smart and black to a funeral unless the family particularly asked people not too.

All you can do now is take comfort from the fact that people at least turned up to pay their respects to your Dad, even if they didn’t dress appropriately, otherwise you are going to get yourself down.

I was enormously grateful to the people who came to my dad's funeral and the sentiments they expressed to me - I don't recall what anyone wore, it wasn't important but it is for some and they should let people know rather than this bitching and name calling after the event.
Manners are not on display here - calling people who went out of their way to attend a funeral as lazy slobs scrubbers, imbeciles, disrespectful shits, vile and chavs amongst other things, apologies if I've missed out your chosen insult to the people who made an effort to attend - I'll put it down to grief as the excuse.

Just to make things clear for the "celebration of life" people, the Announcement said this:

In Loving Memory of My Dad
It is with broken hearts and deepest sorrow that we announce the sudden passing of our beloved dad and husband, His Name, who left us far too soon on the 20th of June.
To lay him to rest and pay our final, loving respects, a service will be held on Monday, 13th July at the funeral place.
Following the service, we warmly invite family and friends to join us in celebrating his life and sharing our favorite memories of him the place we were having his wake.
Flowers welcome or donations if desired to The Salvation Army
The XXX Family

I think it was pretty clear that the funeral was a funeral. Afterwards was the celebration of his life.

And this is what I would ask assume for most funerals.

Well it might be or not. A formal funeral traditionally needs tidy clothes in black or a dark colour but agreed, the rules are relaxing. The family might say wear colour or no black.
A celebration of life is a different thing, often much more relaxed with a colorful dress code.
OP, it’s good that the friends of your father came.

Me too.

If the family want a celebration of life, bright or casual clothes etc, or the deceased themself specified in advance, then that’s one thing.

We absolutely did not want that for my mum’s funeral. The funeral is for the people left behind, and what we wanted was a day to be sad, to say goodbye and to grieve together with others who knew and loved her. She was always beautifully, and appropriately dressed, and would have wanted people to be so at her funeral. Luckily, most were (it was before COVID which is when I think the idea that it was ok to wear lounge/ sports wear for basically every occasion really took hold) but some came in jeans or just everyday scruffy clothes and I remember being shocked and yes, a little offended.

You can say ‘would you rather they didn’t come’ but no, I’d rather they came appropriately dressed and I don’t see why they couldn’t be bothered to do that.

Like OP, I always dress smartly for funerals. Most people I know do and I refuse to believe there’s many people above the age of, say, 25 that done realise that’s the societal norm.

Im sorry for your loss @Wheelchairbarbie

I’ve been at weddings where some men turned up in suits- fair enough, they aren’t cheap- that were very old and tatty. But it’s a wedding so they’re wearing a suit, as is the expectation. They’d have been smarter in their work or ‘going out’ clothes.
I’ve also been at funerals where people wore hoodies or sports clothes, and, particularly fr regular churchgoers, this could be viewed as too casual. Some people just don’t own formal outfits.
I hope you can take some comfort that they’ve come along and wanted to pay their respects. But I can understand if you are traditional in your views, the outfits could feel disrespectful to the family and your dad.
I am sorry for your loss. 💐

How insulting to the op to say she ruined her own father’s funeral! She did not ask these people to turn up looking like they couldn’t be arsed to get dressed properly and like they just rocked up to the funeral straight from getting out of bed.

I'm so sorry for your loss.
I just want to say how utterly disrespectful of people to not even try and dress smartly for such an important occasion xx

Sorry for your loss, it's an incredibly difficult time and you tend to notice things that wouldn't normally upset you.

One of my inlaws turned up to a funeral with a black mesh cardigan that had printed cannabis leaves all over it. The person who's funeral it was was very old school traditional. It was eyebrow raising.

They really don’t.

At my dad's funeral, 40 years ago, I pointed out to my (ghastly) mother that he loved to see us looking our best and would have been horrified to see us dressed in black. He had also very, very strongly indeed expressed a wish to be cremated without religious ceremony, but little sis and I were never going to win that one for him. So he ended up with a CofE vicar in the crem. He was (nominally) a Welsh Baptist.

Anyway, the 5 people who attended (everyone else having been told that it was happening, but also that he didn't want a bloody funeral) all looked very nice in their brightest summer clothes. The highlight of the occasion was that the vicar referred to him throughout by his first name, which he had never used. My sister and I wept tears of laughter, knowing how much he would have enjoyed that. Yes, we are clearly awful, awful people.