To be upset at how many people turned up to my dad's funeral in casual clothes?

[Wheelchairbarbie]

My dad died last month and the funeral was yesterday. It was an unexpected death and very very painful for us all to lose him.
I don't know if I'm wrong and I shouldn't be focusing on it but I can't stop thinking about how many people came to the funeral yesterday just dressed as though it was a random day in Tesco.
Women in strappy tops and tight, short dresses, men in jeans or jogging bottoms, some not even clean, trainers and flip flops everywhere, hair in messy buns, it was all there.
I felt so upset that they didn't seem to think him or we were worth the effort.
I've never seen funeral guests dressed like this. I've always put on a black dress, spent time over my make up, worn nice jewellery and heels, maybe even a pashmina and a hairpiece. I'm only 35?

AIBU to have found it so upsetting?

Cop on, they are on site and you want them to bring a bloody shirt and tie and trousers to a site to change into into the hour they are taking out of their working day to go pay their respects for a workmate who has passed. You grow up.

They came, they paid their respects and they went back to work.

OP however has let her father's funeral be marred by being upset because people did not wear what she deemed appropriate! Imagine that. Being so angry at that instead of being delighted at a full church of people who took the time to come and who obviously liked her dad. Beggars belief.

I agree

Any funeral i go to people are dressed in what I would describe as smart casual, not necessarily black but usually sober, modest, conservative sorts of clothes. I was astonished when my sister's family arrived at mum's funeral in brightly coloured shorts and t shirts, they looked like they were going to the beach! And no its not what mum would have wanted, she was very elderly when she died and a stickler for tradition.

We've lost a lot of shared community identity and shared expectations of social rituals, in the UK, especially around mourning culture. Hence why many people are opting for direct cremation, because they no longer see funerals as important or necessary.

Whereas in Irish Catholic culture and Caribbean funerals for example, there is much more of a shared expectation around dress code, ritual and mourning etiquette.

You interpreted their behaviour as disrespectful because they dressed so informally and many people would agree with you. However, others probably had no idea what to wear or gave it very little thought.

Personally I think these kind of things are important and you are not being unreasonable to be upset, although of course grief is making everything much worse and you are in a vulnerable place. I'm sorry for your loss and I wish you all the best.

They sound like site workers if they are covered with paint. Office workers might have appropriate facilities to change but manual workers don’t. I’d love to see my Dh put a shirt on over his work clothes, he’s usually covered in all sorts and would look ridiculous.

Sadly I've lost count of the number of times immediate family are wearing jeans and trainers. I understand some people want colour at the funeral but where everyone else is wearing smart clothing, jeans seem disrespectful. This week the weather has been hot but a Hawaiian shirt and bright shorts...

Sadly it’s just a reflection of the general collapse in standards in society, and I agree that its disrespectful not to dress appropriately at a funeral.

Anything goes these days, you only have to read threads on Mumsnet to see that for a lot of people there are few limits to what is acceptable in public (the recent wedding thread where the OP’s friend was giving oral sex behind a toilet is an example of this). I expect we have further to sink as a society, before the pendulum swings back the other way.

I am sorry for your loss op, and I agree with you.
I think funeral clothes are a mark of respect and solidarity in grief with the bereaved family. When I was little and my Dad went to funerals half way through a working day, (when he had to go straight back to work) he wore a black tie and a black armband over his suit jacket to signify both those things.
I have trained my children how to dress for funerals and I never wear colour unless asked for specifically by the family. Black is the absence of colour, and for the same reason in some cultures white is the shade of mourning. Dark grey is acceptable , navy at a push, a white shirt.
Obviously it’s hard in the heat but it’s not that difficult to borrow something if necessary, most people have something black.

“However, others probably had no idea what to wear or gave it very little thought.”

It was a funeral. Of course they knew what to wear. They just couldn’t be arsed because they wanted to follow the “let’s dress down for an occasion where I would be expected to dress nicely just so that I can follow the trend to wear joggers where it’s classed as completely unacceptable to do so”

Didn’t know what to wear? Nah not buying that they didn’t know what to wear for a funeral. Everyone knows.

You are correct in saying that we lost a lot of shared community identity and shared expectations of social rituals, in the UK. We sure have, thanks to those who insist on dressing down everywhere because they’re still stuck in a Covid time warp of circa 2020

“I expect we have further to sink as a society, before the pendulum swings back the other way.”

Oh lord I hope it doesn’t sink much further before the pendulum does swing back the other way. I didn’t think it could sink any lower than it has.

I went to the funeral of a lovely family friend and the church was packed.
I had to stand in the entrance of the church at the back because there were so many people there and there was a man next to me in filthy black jogging bottoms and a vest carrying two bags of food shopping from Morrisons and vaping.

People have really lost their sense of occasion and style and seem to ignore the fact that weddings and funerals are the rituals of our lives that we mark and should be approached with respect and effort, otherwise why bother at all?

My cousins turned up to my Grandmother's funeral in faded jeans (the whole family) they looked like they were off to an allotment or something.

They've always been disrespectful shits though.

I’m so sorry for your loss. I know that pain.

Are you Spanish? Last time I saw mantillas being worn for church was when I lived there 40 years ago.

I’d be upset, too @Wheelchairbarbie I consider it respectful to be in reasonably formal clothing for funerals/weddings. My nephews turned up to my fil’s funeral in jeans. Obviously my sil was to blame as they were quite young (maybe they couldn’t afford a new outfit, but school trousers would have done).

At a wedding last week, there were 2 men in shorts and polo shirts. Everyone else had chosen something slightly more (what I considered) appropriate eg trousers and a shirt and tie or a nice dress. I was judging, yes!

I think some people see it as a moral failing to not dress smartly at a funeral and some people see it as more of a moral failing to be name calling funeral attendees based on their clothes. I'm more inclined to the second. Especially with some of the language used. Scrubbers, slobs, imbeciles. Vile.

Absolutely well said.

It was a funeral. Of course they knew what to wear.

They may never have been to one before? People are always posting on here asking whether something is appropriate to wear to a wedding.

I’m sorry about your dad.

I know how you feel, somehow I often feel like I’m out of tune or old fashioned but I’m in my early 40’s and I would still wear something formal and black for a funeral unless explicitly instructed otherwise by the family.

There’s an increased casual attitude in all the things we wear but I find it particularly disrespectful at events like weddings and funerals. To me, how you dress is part of paying that respect, to the deceased and to the family as you are signalling that you cared enough not only to turn up but to dress appropriately for the occasion.

People always say on here it doesn’t matter what you wear, that the family will just be pleased you turned up. I did clock what people wore and I still remember my cousin turning up to my grandad’s funeral years ago in jeans and trainers and it still bloody annoys me.

I first attended a funeral when I was 9. I knew what to wear because my parents had taught me. Everyone knows what to wear at a funeral. There’s such a thing as google if you really have no idea how ti dress for a funeral.

And no I’m still not buying it. It’s the same with people who purposely go out of their way to wear trainers or crocs at a wedding. They know full well what the dress code should be. But let’s carry on following a trend that is soooooo 2020.

It sounds like your Dad's funeral was really well attended which must bring you some comfort.

I went to a funeral last week. I had shopped for it as I had nothing smart and black. I bought shoes, a long black skirt and a black top but in the heatwave it was just too much and I wore a dark dress with a floral pattern I already owned instead.

I think a lot of people there had been influenced by the excessive heat and so wore things that were more strappy that they would have usually for a funeral.

I'm sure the service was lovely and I would try not to get distracted too much by what people were wearing.

Op, my parents were actively anti Christian. I didn’t attend any kind of church service until I was about 20. Fewer and fewer young people have ever been to a church - and many of those that have have been to family services where casual clothing is absolutely fine.

if you’d asked me at 18 what was appropriate to wear to a funeral I would have known that it was black but had no idea about the other requirements people are talking about - heels, make up, jewelry.

I now sing with my local C of E church and we are asked to sing at a fair few funerals.

I’ve still never heard of or seen people wearing veils at any sort of church service (except wedding) and I don’t know what a mantilla is.

it is genuinely quite likely that as more and more people grow up with limited experience of church, and especially with the trend towards bright colours rather than black people do not know what to wear,

they think of their friend’s service at the crematorium where maybe he requested bright colours, they think about church services generally where there’s no requirement to dress up.

i wear sandals and very light maxi dresses to church in this weather and I’d wear the same for a funeral. It would genuinely never occur to me to me that sandals or visible shoulders could be seen as disrespectful

Exactly. Not everything is a trend.

a man next to me in filthy black jogging bottoms and a vest carrying two bags of food shopping from Morrisons and vaping.

Yuck!! 🤮 What is wrong with people?

They cared enough to be there. I can’t remember after 15’years who wore what to my dad’s funeral.

So sorry for your loss OP. My dad died suddenly last year and it utterly devestated our family, I'm so sorry for the pain you're in. I remember feeling like i had been turned inside out and so sensitive to everything. I hope the people who came to the funeral were not meaning to be disrespectful, but I understand why you would feel as though they were. Take care of yourself OP x

Was this in the UK? I have been to a great many requiem masses and I’ve not seen anything like that since I was a small child (and that was a very trad church).

Funerals do not need to be morbid and sombre to be respectful - they are also a celebration of the life. Its very common for people to request no-black, casual clothes, colours etc because that was the preference of the deceased and that results in shifting customs. Funeral are different from when I was a child, that doesn’t make them worse. I wouldn’t expect people in grubby clothes but for the rest - I cared more about people taking the time to be there than what they were wearing (which I’d struggle to remember).

Issue a dress code? When did it become normal to wear joggers for a funeral?
Dress smartly and/or in black does not constitute a 'formal than usual' funeral!

Unless a special request (wear red/football team colours), are people really so thick/self-centred/lazy they need to be told what to wear for life events like this???