To be upset at how many people turned up to my dad's funeral in casual clothes?

[Wheelchairbarbie]

My dad died last month and the funeral was yesterday. It was an unexpected death and very very painful for us all to lose him.
I don't know if I'm wrong and I shouldn't be focusing on it but I can't stop thinking about how many people came to the funeral yesterday just dressed as though it was a random day in Tesco.
Women in strappy tops and tight, short dresses, men in jeans or jogging bottoms, some not even clean, trainers and flip flops everywhere, hair in messy buns, it was all there.
I felt so upset that they didn't seem to think him or we were worth the effort.
I've never seen funeral guests dressed like this. I've always put on a black dress, spent time over my make up, worn nice jewellery and heels, maybe even a pashmina and a hairpiece. I'm only 35?

AIBU to have found it so upsetting?

They were workmates and other regulars from the pub he drank at, and their wives. A few were distant relatives

These are the people OP was complaining about...her Dad's workmates in their work clothes and regulars from the pub who took time off to come and even brought their wives as a a mark of respect.

You should no more have to tell people to dress respectfully for a funeral than Tesco should have to tell people to cook raw chicken… My god, have we really turned into a nation of imbeciles!?

When my friends child died (early twenties) she didn’t want anyone to feel pressured into buying something to wear so she specifically said their presence was more important than their appearance. It was one of the most beautiful services I’ve witnessed and I’ve been to far too many funerals. Lots of younger people might not own a suitable pair of shoes let alone a suit and you also have the problem getting time off work if it’s not an immediate family member. I think maybe you should focus on the turnout of people rather than the dress code, it sounds as though a lot of people turned out and you should take some comfort that he was popular and well liked by so many.

No, just a nation of bloody snobs. Men who have to go back to work in their work clothes and regulars from the pub where her Dad drank who thought enough of him to turn up and bring their wives.

Agree. The onus shouldn’t be on the grieving op to babysit lazy assed slobs. Nobody who is grieving and burying their dad should have to worry about stating the dress code for a bloody funeral just to make sure disrespectful scrubbers don’t turn up looking like slobs.

Yes, @Ralphinadress - but that doesn’t mean you can or should go to the other extreme and turn up in a grubby t-shirt and tracksuit bottoms!

Wearing an outfit that is tidy and clean, in fairly sombre colours, unless the family have asked people to come in bright outfits, isn’t a massive or unreasonable demand, imo.

Disrespectful scrubbers?

WTF?

In your opinion, we had my Mum’s funeral last week and the last thing I (or Mum) wanted was a morbid day, it was a celebration of her life, we laughed and cried and told funny stories and the song we played at the end was Another one bites the dust as Mum always wanted people to leave smiling.

OP, I’m really sorry for your loss. Some people wore black to my Mum’s funeral, others, including close family didn’t (I wore a dress with sunflowers on it) but everyone was smart and had made an effort. I felt I should have perhaps given a bit more direction on clothes but I didn't think about it until it was too late. The last funeral I had been to had said comfy clothes and no black. That wouldn’t have been appropriate for my Mum, she wanted smart but didn’t mind about colour.

Something off about this thread.

Fuck knows why I got sucked in.

So all these people who were once able to turn up to funerals wearing proper attire and then all of a sudden turned into lazy slobs during covid… are you saying they were once snobs too? Because the lack of effort thing has literally come about since covid. Everyone seemed to be able to make an effort before that. Even those who had come from work!

Coming in work clothes wouldn’t generally be so bad… Uniform is generally pretty smart. But if you’ve just been clearing a blocked drain, then you should at least leave 5 mins for a quick wash and change! The issue I have is with slobs turning up in their baggy t-shirts and joggers like they’ve just got out of bed…. because god forbid they wore anything that was in the slightest bit not of maximum comfort.

Yup that’s right!

I am with you OP, it’s disrespectful.
So sorry for your loss.

Quite rightly you are still extremely emotional about the loss of your DDad.
My MIL died in April and, like you, I was a little disappointed that a few people- namely her friends from a particular club in her village- arrived casually dressed and seemingly intent on getting pissed at the free bar. They made no attempt to speak to my DH or my SisIL who were struggling with the loss of their Mum. Three of them arrived late and slunk in behind the coffin, to stifled giggles from their friends (these are people mostly in their 70's btw)
Now we are 3 months down the line, we are able to laugh at how awful they were, and can imagine my MIL telling them off in no uncertain terms! Not quite sure how some folks can be so un-intuitive, but at least they came I suppose.
Hope you are ok 💐

When I have lost loved ones my sadness and devastation focussed me on my loss only. I couldn't not have cared or noticed if they were wearing clown suits. Because a significant loss puts trivialities like clothing into perspective.
The fact that they made the effort to come at all is a mark of respect. Nobody has to come. These people took time out of busy lives to come along. Why sit there judging.?

Oooh they ✨CAME FROM WORK✨

So what??

It takes minutes to put a button down shirt over whatever you have on, or whip it off, and change your work trousers into smarter ones. It doesn't have to be a three piece suit and tie, just something more appropriate than work clothes. It's not hard.

And of course they should take something to change into. Because they are going to a funeral that day, and people take what they need for the day they are having. What's so unreasonable about that? They'd take gym clothes if they were going to the gym on their lunch break, like many do, would they?

I don't care if they are hot or uncomfortable. It's an hour, tops. Grow up.

If they truly give that much of a shit, they should stop thinking of their own comfort and convenience and put the people who are going through the shittiest time of their lives first. And show some respect.

Death is quite morbid; black is appropriate for a funeral. 'The New Thing' is trite.

I'd like to think the dead wouldn't judge someone on their clothes.

I totally get where you're coming from @Wheelchairbarbie My lovely uncle died a couple of years ago and my sister for some unknown reason rocked up in leggings and a fleece. We are both in our 50's so not from the casual generation and I was absolutely mortified. The rest of the congregation were dressed traditionally and I still can't fathom what her thinking was !

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Yes, if you turn up to a funeral unwashed and unkempt, in your baggy and grubby t-shirt and jogging bottoms, then scrubber is the appropriate word.

I think this changes the meaning for the better. People took time out of their working day to come to the funeral, which suggests the person meant a lot to them.

But not the case in the UK Catholic or Protestant where it's weeks

You've said that the scruffier people were work mates and people from the pub. I think this is the key thing. Where im from extended family, close friends and 'funeral party - close family' would be dressed very smartly and in black. But more distant friends, aquantances, friends from work and pub etc. would usually be fine and wouldn't be judged to just come as they are/less smart. Remember these friends are not entitled to compassionate/bereavement leave from work etc.so will be coming in their work day/coming in between their other plans and maybe can't afford a special outfit. I think you have to accept that these people (who sound like they aren't direct relatives or particularly close friends) went out of their way to attend and pay their respects which is really lovely and I think that means something whatever they are wearing. I think in time you may realise that. Also it has been extreme weather.

Condolences for your loss. So sorry you are hurting.

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