To be upset at how many people turned up to my dad's funeral in casual clothes?

[Wheelchairbarbie]

My dad died last month and the funeral was yesterday. It was an unexpected death and very very painful for us all to lose him.
I don't know if I'm wrong and I shouldn't be focusing on it but I can't stop thinking about how many people came to the funeral yesterday just dressed as though it was a random day in Tesco.
Women in strappy tops and tight, short dresses, men in jeans or jogging bottoms, some not even clean, trainers and flip flops everywhere, hair in messy buns, it was all there.
I felt so upset that they didn't seem to think him or we were worth the effort.
I've never seen funeral guests dressed like this. I've always put on a black dress, spent time over my make up, worn nice jewellery and heels, maybe even a pashmina and a hairpiece. I'm only 35?

AIBU to have found it so upsetting?

She said her dad was very accepting of people and not judgemental.

People who were "unwashed" she later said were in work clothes. So people have nipped out during work to attend the funeral. I think that's rather nice personally.

I see what you mean it is a bit disrespectful I like to wear the full black etc.

Its been incredibly hot and maybe that had a bearing on people's choices but....
They came....they paid their respects and that really is the main thing.

Let it go x.

People wear all sorts to face a judge, so that dose t make sense.

Exactly, people who are dead can't even see what people are wearing.

I’ve had to skip a few pages but I was at a funeral today. It was hot but men in suits,teenage grandson in shirt and trousers ,teenage granddaughter in long black skirt ,widow in black trousers and jacket but a pretty flowery scarf. Everyone seemed appropriately dressed although not in black but in what I would suspect was their best outfit. I wore a black cotton jacket over a black cotton top and because I have a newish scar on my leg that catches on material I wore a black and beige skirt which had a silk lining which didn’t catch. I also wore a very” good “piece of jewellery because I wanted in an old fashioned way to look as though I had made a serious effort out of respect. The young nurses who had looked after him were there in uniform . We had all made an effort. It’s not difficult.

No I would find it upsetting too - I am sorry! When my grandma died I dressed in a smart black dress, heels and fascinator and whilst we didn’t expect extended family to wear a headpiece, we hoped everyone would dress smart. I remember my Aunty (Grandma’s DIL) looked like she went to Tesco… hadn’t even brushed her hair by the looks of it! My mum was rightly furious.

In contrast, I went to a funeral recently on my husbands side. I’d never met the distant uncle but still wore the dress, heels etc and all of my husbands cousins were scruffy and they knew the man! I could t believe it. Okay, you can argue it’s not a reason to ‘celebrate’ so people may not want to dress nicely but I think it’s respectful to dress smartly to honour that persons life.

I'm sorry for your loss and that you were upset by mourners dress. I think the usual dress code is dark unless requested otherwise.
It is my 48 year old daughters late fiancé's funeral on Friday and to reflect his love of music we are all turning up in band shirts, even the celebrant and funeral directors, if we want to of course.

Only family usually wear black to the funeral plus it’s the middle of a heatwave, I’d personally appreciate that people showed up at all op . Your taking it way to personal. People come from work or having been with kids etc . They’ve made the effort to pay their final respects.

i no longer have any smart clothes, certainly not black ones.

Nipping out of work is one thing…. Turning up purposely looking like a complete slob because it’s “comfy” and “trendy” and “everyone dresses casual nowadays” is quite another. Op is very clearly upset by those sort of people, upset enough to write a thread about it. It was her own father at the end of the day and people couldn’t be arsed to dress nicely for his funeral.

Agree.
I’m really sorry for your loss op, your dad sounds like a lovely man, and you must be feeling his absence deeply.
Of course it’s good of people to show up and pay their respects but I agree that it’s very poor form indeed to look so scruffy while doing so. There really is no excuse, imo. It’s not difficult, expensive or otherwise to do so.

Why is it dreadful? Why shouldn't a bride wear something she's comfortable in to her own wedding?

I don’t have any funeral attire at the moment. But if I was to attend a funeral, I would go out and buy attire suitable for a funeral. I wouldn’t turn up looking like a lazy, scruffy slob that’s for sure

Not everyone believes that

You can honour someone's life without wearing a bloody fascinator and closed toe shoes. Nobody has any right to be "furious" at the clothes someone wears to a funeral. They took time out to come, they paid their respects no matter what their attire. It's about presence, it's not a wedding, there are no photo's. It is showing up, making the effort to come, that's where the respect lies.

It's not a fashion show and neither is it Downton Abbey.

“They took time out to come, they paid their respects no matter what their attire. It's about presence, it's not a wedding, there are no photo's. It is showing up, making the effort to come, that's where the respect lies.”

Well if they couldn’t be arsed to get dressed in something decent and didn’t feel the deceased person was worth making the effort to dress nicely for what’s the point they came in the first place. They obviously couldn’t have given a fuck or bothered to put some decent clothes on so why even bother turning up?

Even at weddings a lot of people have stopped making the effort and turn up wearing trainers because “it’s comfy innit” and “nobody dresses up anymore” 🙄

I wouldnt be offended by work clothes ie a painter has taken time out of working day to show up. Presumably going back to work after service.

Flip flops, strappy tops, joggers would be more annoying. Even jeans and a smart top with shoes would be ok for me.

If a number of the mourners didn't speak to your mother, you or your siblings it suggests to me that they may not have been to many funerals before. Feeling aggrieved by their 'disrespect' is only hurting you and your memories of your dad's funeral. You can choose to carry on feeling this way or you can decide to remember how many people turned up for him. Do you honestly think someone would go to the bother of attending a funeral unless they felt admiration or respect or affection for the deceased?

Some of the men CAME FROM WORK! OP expected them to bring a change of clothes with them to change into. I mean COME ON.

If they didn't give a fuck, they would not have left work to come, they would not have brought their wives.

Well if they couldn’t be arsed to get dressed in something decent and didn’t feel the deceased person was worth making the effort to dress nicely for what’s the point they came in the first place

What a stupid comment.

Unless otherwise requested, I wear formal and sombre attire to a funeral. It's something I feel fits to the gravity of the occasion and shows respect.

That said, I've noticed here in Germany that people dress less formally at funerals. The last one I attended was in December, it was for a friend of mine, and many people were dressed very casually. Others had work clothes on as they were going straight back after the funeral.

Each to their own, it was good that so many came to pay their respects. The family really weren't paying any attention to who wore what, as far as I know, but nobody stood out as being inappropriate.

This is the second thread this week complaining about how people have chosen to show their respects to a deceased relative. Every person at that funeral had taken time out of their day to honour the departed. Yes I can understand it would have been better if they had chosen to get dressed up, but it reads a bit like OP wishes they hadn’t bothered coming. A full congregation- regardless of how they are dressed- is a measure of how popular the man was.

I think the OP should have issued a dress code - she must have known she was a bit more formal than the usual - it's evident from her first post. Self awareness has been brutally delivered. Maybe it's heads up to all the other posters who feel very strongly about formality and black clothing at funerals, that they should do the people who wish to pay their respects the courtesy of letting them know the dress code beforehand, rather than bitching about them afterwards.

Like I said, work not too bad!

There is however this trend that has been going on since Covid where people feel it’s ok to slob about in trainers/ joggers/ jeans even for special occasions. So some may have come from work, a lot are just following a sheep trend of “dressing down” because it’s “comfy” and “trendy”

Even coming from work, back in the day most people would get changed at work before they left to go to the funeral. Or they would get changed in their car or whatever. Nowadays people can’t seem to use their intelligence to do that. Either that or it’s “let’s follow the rest of the “comfy trend” people because, well, everyone dresses casual nowadays so funerals, weddings etc can be used as an excuse to turn up looking like a complete slob just to be “trendy”.

If you’d turn up in a suit to a funeral, you’d turn up in a suit to court. Ditto jogging bottoms and flip flops.

I thought it was a given that the general funeral attire is black, slightly formal. But even if not formal, something respectful and classy. Op shouldn’t need to give a “dress code” to people when it’s pretty much well known that certain attire is expected to be worn at funerals. Why should she sod about giving a dress code for all the lazy ass joggers/ jeans/ trainers slobs?