To be upset at how many people turned up to my dad's funeral in casual clothes?

[Wheelchairbarbie]

My dad died last month and the funeral was yesterday. It was an unexpected death and very very painful for us all to lose him.
I don't know if I'm wrong and I shouldn't be focusing on it but I can't stop thinking about how many people came to the funeral yesterday just dressed as though it was a random day in Tesco.
Women in strappy tops and tight, short dresses, men in jeans or jogging bottoms, some not even clean, trainers and flip flops everywhere, hair in messy buns, it was all there.
I felt so upset that they didn't seem to think him or we were worth the effort.
I've never seen funeral guests dressed like this. I've always put on a black dress, spent time over my make up, worn nice jewellery and heels, maybe even a pashmina and a hairpiece. I'm only 35?

AIBU to have found it so upsetting?

My DD wore crocs at her own wedding reception. As did her bridesmaids.

You are NOT being unreasonable. We had a celebration of life for my parents which was MEANT to be more relaxed than a funeral...even then people wore smart clothes!

Yes it’s awful. There were loads of this at the last funeral and wedding I went to. Stonewash jeans and sliders at the last funeral, grey tracksuit (on an adult man) with trainers at the wedding.

declining standards, its slovenly.

Nowadays other countries definitely do dress better than us. In the past people in the UK dressed smartly. Now they don’t.

I think there are plenty of people who wouldn't dress properly for court either.
It's all me me me. I'll do what I want and what's best for me
It's honestly pathetic.

Oh yeah, they turned up looking like they’d been scraped off the floor in their Covid clothes they have worn since 2020! I’m sure the deceased person will be so happy knowing they made no effort and looked a complete slob for their send off. More to the point, I’m sure their close relatives also value these people turning up looking like they’ve just been scraped off the floor with a wall paper scraper, dragged to a funeral and sat there looking like they’ve couldn’t be arsed showing the utmost disrespect to their deceased loved one. Well done to them for “turning up” eh! Might as well have stayed at home if they couldn’t be arsed!

I think that’s fair enough if he popped out of the job for an hour. My Dbro work crew turned up for my mother’s funeral in their site clothes, they nipped off site to pay their respects, they left after the ceremony.
Similar to a work uniform.

No, it isn't too much to ask. You are not being unreasonable. I've been to plenty of funerals and never been to one where people looked like they'd made no effort to look smart. These people sound like peasants.

I'm so sorry for your loss. 💐

Standards of dress generally have gone way downhill. I'm appalled at the way people turn up for work, let alone slobbing to Tescos in your jim-jams. Like the OP, I always dress formally for a funeral, I see it as a mark of respect. I have, however, seen people turn up to a close relative's funeral in a T-shirt and Daisy Duke shorts, so trackie bottoms are relatively innocuous.

Maybe they had to come straight from work and go straight back?
I don’t remember what people wore to a very close family member’s funeral. What I do remember is that they were there.
And I remember that none of my very recent former colleagues were there, despite knowing this person well and benefiting from their experience and presence many times.
And yes, they absolutely could have attended.
Many previous colleagues attended.

I understand that you’re upset. This will fade and in time you’ll remember that they were there.
It’s not always easy for people to attend a funeral.

I am truly sorry for your loss and I’m not having a go. Just trying to offer another perspective.

Standards have slipped everywhere. More and more professional people are looking like IT students.
Next well have solicitors wearing gym clothes in court.

I don’t agree with the ‘celebration’ business, and even if I did, I wouldn’t celebrate someone’s life by turning up dressed like I was all set to lie in the sofa lowering pizza slices into my mouth whilst watching crap on Netflix. Some folk like colour at funerals, and that’s absolutely up to them, but to me a funeral is about mourning and respect and people should be allowed to lean into that, not feel they have to leap about wearing a fuschia co-ord, ‘celebrating’ all over the place, because it’s the new thing. Smart dark clothes and a demeanour that reflects the seriousness of the occasion for me, please. People should be allowed to mourn without feeling they have to go all glittery-jazz-hands about it.

And there is a world of difference between slinging a pink scarf around your neck because the family have asked for colour, and turning up wearing an egg-stained band t-shirt and a pair of old flip flops.

I really don’t agree it reflects their feelings about him.
They were there. They ducked out of work to be there or got there after the school run etc

I absolutely get that your expectations are different and that’s fine but I also think you’re focusing on the wrong thing.

Look at all those people that went to pay their respects.

She wore Converse to get married in too.Before changing into her wedding Crocs 🤣

When my dad died , his regular painter and decorator turned up at the funeral in his full work overalls , straight from a job . Our whole family were so touched that he made the effort to come . I couldn’t have told you what anyone else was wearing ( and I couldn’t care less ) . If people take time out their busy lives to attend a funeral, what on earth does it matter what they are wearing? They show respect by turning up . That’s the whole point.

Husbands brother turned up to his own grandmothers funeral, in a large striped black and white shirt, no wife with him.

I was astonished, but I assume it was his best, and could have been expensive.

At least he turned up, his other brother and his wife didn’t bother.

How absolutely dreadful! Not the flex you think it is either.

That’s bizarre. I’ve never seen people like that at a funeral.
I’m so sorry for your loss 💐

They are probably already pushing their break to the extreme and don't have 10 minutes more.

My deepest sympathies on your loss OP, it sounds like a super tough time and I can see why you’re upset.
I think there is a middle ground to be had in clothing for funerals, sadly I’ve been to 4 funerals so far this year.
The first two were for older members of my family in their 80’s, everyone bar 2 people wore mostly black/dark colours and were fairly smart ie suits, dresses etc (no hats or equiv) my 2 cousins came like they were dressed for the pub, one in ripped jeans and another in shorts.
No one really batted an eyelid but they did stand out like a sore thumb.
The other 2 funerals were for people slightly younger (70’s) and they expressly said to wear everyday clothes, no black, bright colours preferably.
I wore sandals and a dress that I wear all the time in the summer, but I wouldn’t have done had the families not requested/passed on the information.
I think if I were you, I would just try and appreciate that they had turned up to say their goodbyes/pay their respects regardless of what they wore, despite feeling a little let down.
If they had left work to attend the funeral and were heading straight back to work afterwards I could understand work clothes rather than just not bothering to change though.

At my Brother in laws funeral,lots of his workmates came in their dinner hour in their work clothes. My sister couldn't care less that they weren't suited and booted. She was touched they came.

I would be upset too. Unless the family requests bright colours/casual then smart dress is expected. A pair of dark trousers and short sleeve shirt or midi/maxi dress I'm subdued colour covering boobs and shoulders are suitable in hot weather and most people own or could easily buy cheaply. Turning up in joggers, dirty etc isn't OK

Hardly dreadful, the bride wearing the shoes she wants to wear.

I'm sure she would be gutted you don't approve.

For my siblings funeral(in 1989), people showed up in all manner of clothing. Dressed in Sunday go to meeting clothing right down to wearing their dirty work jeans. after working at the lumber mill. I didn't care I was glad they were there to show their respects.
I recently went to my DHs uncles funeral (he was 93) Even auntie didn't wear all black. Some people ask that people wear bright clothes.
I let my kids know that if they have a funeral for me I expect bright colourful and even sparkly clothing to be wore.
To me showing your respects is more important than what you wear to a funeral or celebration of life.