To be upset at how many people turned up to my dad's funeral in casual clothes?

[Wheelchairbarbie]

My dad died last month and the funeral was yesterday. It was an unexpected death and very very painful for us all to lose him.
I don't know if I'm wrong and I shouldn't be focusing on it but I can't stop thinking about how many people came to the funeral yesterday just dressed as though it was a random day in Tesco.
Women in strappy tops and tight, short dresses, men in jeans or jogging bottoms, some not even clean, trainers and flip flops everywhere, hair in messy buns, it was all there.
I felt so upset that they didn't seem to think him or we were worth the effort.
I've never seen funeral guests dressed like this. I've always put on a black dress, spent time over my make up, worn nice jewellery and heels, maybe even a pashmina and a hairpiece. I'm only 35?

AIBU to have found it so upsetting?

We watched my bf' grandmas funeral on livestream a while ago and I was suprised how casually everyone was dressed. It wasn't hot so no flip-flops or shorts but very regular everyday clothing. I've been taught to dress up at funerals.

No it means your toes shouldn’t be out… flat pumps are fine. Think ‘would I wear this to court’ and if the answer is probably not then it’s not funeral atire.

I am 30. Just 5 years older than him. He is not typical of his age he’s just a slob. Everyone I know owns those things and did in our mid 20s when we mostly attended a funeral together

But it sounds as if you, your family and friends all dressed smartly (and therefore respectfully), not in dirty, revealing clothes.

Have read most of OP's posts, and it's clear she's upset. No, black isn't always the 'go-to' these days, but did the OP/family state the dress code? (please wear black/bright colours/smart casual etc) because that is often what sets the tone.

The other thing I will say (as someone who has had to bury both parents in the last few years) there is a well-known saying: funerals are for the living, not the dead. OP's dad, if he was looking down, would just be pleased people turned up! The OP is the one left with the 'funerals are for the living' dilemma. OP, it will het easier, and these feelings will fade given enough time.

Well said.

As for the “well it’s comfy” gang, I think they should snap out of their Covid nostalgia of being furloughed and lounging about in their joggers and trainers.

Its really funny the amount of threads I’ve seen where people want “fashion advice” because since Covid they have lost all sense of fashion and only wear joggers/ jeans and trainers and want to get out of the rut they are stuck in. Usually the same people who comment on threads like this defending why they should turn up at funerals looking like they just stepped out of a 2020 covid Time Machine

I gave up this crap about 15 year ago: "make up, worn nice jewellery and heels, maybe even a pashmina and a hairpiece." I'm clean, tidy and wear formal trousers & jacket when appropriate. I don't see why I should be judged by standards that don't apply to men. No earings/heels/make up = disrespectful only applies to women. Bugger off. I'm too old to care.

Also, its very, very hot. You wear a pashmina in the heat?

If anything, I feel like it is the opposite. Young 20 something men are better dressed than when I was their age (10+ years ago).

I hate all this ‘at least they came’ rubbish like that’s the only option. I bet if they had a job interview they’d manage to scrub up. If the family of the deceased make it clear dark clothing or formal clothing is not required, or you’ve got an injury and can’t wear formal shoes, then of course it’s ok to dress casually, otherwise it is widely known that the appropriate attire for a funeral is formal, dark coloured clothing, barring that formal clothing at a minimum. If you have to come from work or haven’t got much money you still have to make the effort to borrow something suitable from a friend or family member or leave work 5 minutes earlier to slip a shirt on in your car.

People just don’t seem to make the effort of dressing appropriately anymore. I noticed it at the last funeral I went to and even at a wedding there were people in jeans and t shirts. You made the effort for your dad and that’s what matters.

Things do seem to have changed in terms of appropriate dress (there was thread about people turning up to hotel breakfasts in PJs a while ago), and whilst upsetting I’d try to focus on the fact that so many turned up to celebrate life and support each other.

A lot of people apparently now don’t make the effort to dress nicely for job interviews anymore.

And the “at least they turned up” gang. Yeah at least they turned up looking like they haven’t had a bath in years and have been wearing the same clothes for about 6 years because they couldn’t be arsed to make an effort eh! The deceased person should be well flattered in that case. 🙄

Cancel the cheque 🙄

I don’t think the OP is saying that make up, jewellery, heels and fascinator are the minimum she expected from the attendees at her father’s funeral, @LittleJules59 - that is what she wears to a funeral.

Clean, tidy, formal trousers and a jacket if necessary sounds like an absolutely fine outfit for a funeral, and I don’t think anyone on this thread has said it wouldn't be. But a grubby t-shirt and tracksuit bottoms is not appropriate, don’t you think?

Also, sorry for your loss. That should have been my first comment, but I haven't worked out how to edit yet.

I've never been to a funeral where anyone gave a toss what anyone was wearing. And that includes my mum and dads funeral.

I must move in very different circles to Mumsnet.

You are definitely NOT being unreasonable. I lost my dad suddenly too and most people were dressed smartly. But I remember the guy who my dad took his car to for decades, in his overalls with oil and car dust on them! I would not have been surprised if he had a wheel jack in his pocket. This made me smile a little because my dad would have liked it. But overall it’s upsetting.

Where did she say she policed them? And as For black being morbid, it was a funeral fgs!

Wearing a bright colour is a new thing for done people and Id say only if it’s been stipulated beforehand.

turning up in scruffy, dirty, revealing clothes is not on for a funeral, regardless of their colour anyway.

@Wheelchairbarbie I’m very sorry for your loss. YANBU.

In other countries, such as Spain, Italy and France, people still take a pride in their appearance and try to look “smart” even if they are on a low income. People in the UK just don’t seem to care what other people think any more. No doubt they’d say that’s a good thing, forgetting that in some circumstances such as funerals and weddings their selfish approach to life upsets other people, such as the grieving family or the bridal party.
I just don’t see any value in going around looking like a slob.

But clean and formal are all the op was asking for so I’m not quite sure why you’re so indignant!

Oh don't start with the other countries dress better than us bollocks.

People turned up. Why is what they wore more important than the fact that they came?

I think its weird doing makeup and wearing heels to a funeral.

Covered shoulders, decent length outfit, hide your toes, the basics.
Next people will be going to a wedding in a pair of crocs. If you wouldn’t wear it to court to face a Judge, you don’t wear it to a funeral.

Personally I think that part of showing your respect is to dress respectfully.
I'm sorry for your loss.

I agree. She's clearly just saying what she wears.
But people are acting like she thinks everyone should be in some version of a Downton abbey funeral and fixating on the fascinator/hairpiece thing like she's trying to have it legislated.

And btw, OP, I've seen plenty of fascinators or headbands at funerals. They look lovely and not out of place at all.