To be upset at how many people turned up to my dad's funeral in casual clothes?

[Wheelchairbarbie]

My dad died last month and the funeral was yesterday. It was an unexpected death and very very painful for us all to lose him.
I don't know if I'm wrong and I shouldn't be focusing on it but I can't stop thinking about how many people came to the funeral yesterday just dressed as though it was a random day in Tesco.
Women in strappy tops and tight, short dresses, men in jeans or jogging bottoms, some not even clean, trainers and flip flops everywhere, hair in messy buns, it was all there.
I felt so upset that they didn't seem to think him or we were worth the effort.
I've never seen funeral guests dressed like this. I've always put on a black dress, spent time over my make up, worn nice jewellery and heels, maybe even a pashmina and a hairpiece. I'm only 35?

AIBU to have found it so upsetting?

Team OP here, I am so very sorry about - well - the whole thing. Bereavement of your closest people is an awful, awful thing, and often the devil is in the detail as you try to navigate the funeral and other formalities. And it can truly delay and impact the grieving progress.

On a wider note, my experience leads me to observe that perhaps it reflects the movement to minimise and rush people along through the grieving process. The "celebration" aspect seems to have started taking precedence over the mourning and grieving itself. The bereaved are told how to feel by others who either have no direct experience of loss, or whose own loss was different. They "mean well" but often the most directly bereaved can't even name their feelings themselves beyond "it hurts" and by extension, everything does.

The whole point of death related rituals is to give a sense of familiarity and structure, supported by family and community. This overly casual approach undermines that process for some. It's a big deal, seeing a loved one off as it were, a little more thought and gravitas cements it.

I have planned two funerals in recent years - my DPs and my Dads. Both very different, both reflecting them very much in every way. The thought put into a funeral should be respected and reflected back according to the wishes of the organiser. If there is no dress code stipulated, then I don't see why people can't just meet tradition to a suitable level for weather etc - simple, darker, formal attire. It's not rocket science.

I wear shorts and sandals to church every week when it's this hot. I think it's nice when people dress for christenings as a normal everyday part of going to church and welcoming a child to that church rather than an event to dress up for photos like a wedding.

The hot weather may have made people wear slightly less formal clothing perhaps? I agree that unless specific instructions are given out to potential attendees (like wearing a favourite colour of the deceased) then usually dark more formal clothing is worn. Certainly not trackie bottoms!

Most workplaces doht allow.much time for funerals. It is very much leave just in time to make it and then back as soon as possible. If they were working on a site how were they supposed to change?
To be honest it sounds like your dad had friends that you dont approve off and you are coming across as very judgy. Surely them being there is all that matters rather than whether they were wearing what you deemed to be suitable. You say your dad wouldn't judge people so maybe tale a leaf out of his book. You dont know their circumstances.

I would always wear mainly black and reasonably modest clothing to a funeral unless there were instructions not to - some people want cheerful clothes or a favourite colour of the deceased etc. but if there's no instruction to the contrary I would dress soberly.

My mum has put in her funeral plan that those going should wear black formal clothes. I have too.

Totally agree. All these people who say “well it’s comfy”. Can they not cope a few hours in an outfit that isn’t particularly comfortable? Or find a “comfortable” alternative. People have got by for generations being able to put together an outfit for an occasion. But now they can’t because it’s not “comfy” or “trendy” and everyone dresses down now so they feel they should too lol.

People defending wearing trainers to funerals/ weddings/ black tie events because they have bad feet and NEED trainers. Wonder how people used to cope in days gone by with bad feet. They would have found some suitable nice comfy flat shoes rather than be seen in trainers. It’s just how things were. People had more respect. The excuse to wear trainers is because it’s “trendy” and everyone else wears them not because thats all they can literally wear.

Yeah it really wouldnt worry me now, it didnt worry me then particularly, just looked very odd, but it was 20 years ago so very different, most people dont wear suits ever anymore to any event.

Don’t you mean fascinators?

I’m very sorry for your loss. And also sorry for people being disrespectful.

try to put it out of your mind now and look after yourself.

A relative turned up to a funeral looking like she was about to go on a hike, which I thought showed total ignorance.

I also think flip flops and beachwear are totally inappropriate for a wedding.

I'm older than you OP, and I'd find it rather poor, if someone turned up to a funeral wearing jeans/jogging bottoms/strappy tops. All I can say is that some people have no awareness or simply aren't bothered by formality.

I went to a wedding 10 years ago, and a guest turned up in black leggings....she was dressed as if she was off to Tesco. I actually thought she was dropping her husband off (who was smartly dressed in a suit) and wasn't coming to the wedding! She made the excuse that 'there wasn't a dress code on the invitation'. To be honest, it doesn't take a genius to figure out that casual black leggings and a tunic isn't wedding attire. She stuck out like a sore thumb for all the wrong reasons.

You are grieving OP, so therefore all your emotions are heightened. Try and focus on the fact that these people bothered to come, rather than what they were wearing. If they came to the funeral, then it means they must have thought a lot of your Dad.

Grief is strange and out minds fixate on details in ways we weren't expected.

I think next time you have to organise a funeral you know to include a dress code on the information.

I do think some allowances need to be made for the weather ie. carrying rather than wearing suit jackets. Also note that cheap clothes are likely to be less suitable for this weather as they're more likely to be polyester and other non-breathable fabrics. It is possible to find smart summer weight clothes in natural fibres - black/navy/grey linen/cotton trousers and a cotton shirt / top.

You're grieving so you get a pass but yeah, YABU.

People cared enough about your dad to show up and mark his life. That's what matters. The sign of respect was being there at all - not how fancy they dressed when they got there. Funeral dress in recent years seems a lot less formal overall, so I don't think it's unusual, but I think it's nice - more human and less stuffy than the alternative, more a collection of people showing up as they are to mark the loss of someone who was important to them. I'd rather have a funeral with 100 underdressed people than have been the kind of person who had 10 well dressed ones there, and it sounds like your dad was well-regarded and liked.

And that’s fine but is not the same as dirty workwear or looking like you’re going to the beach, or a tarts and vicars party.

The OP didn't mean a hair piece as in hair! She already explained that.
@Wheelchairbarbie i completely agree with you. In my view, it is simply a sign of respect and I am quite shocked at the amount of peoplewho seem to not be bothered by this.
I'm also in my mid 30s so wouldn't consider myself as old-fashioned, but according to MN, it seems I am!

I don't blame you for feeling hurt and that your dad was disrespected, but try to push it out of your mind. Concentrate on the good memories of your dad and look after yourself. X

It’s possible that they were at work & left to pay their respects but had to go back to work. I’d be happy they made the effort to attend

Goodness me, when did we all become such wet blankets?
When did we all be one so selfish, constantly thinking about our own feelings and never ever putting anyone first for a moment?
"Ooh but wearing anything other than these grubby old joggers is too uncomfortable for me" or "Ooh I'd be too hot in anything but this arse-skimming bright orange dress with my tits hanging out"
So what if you're a bit hot or uncomfortable for one measly hour out of your life? Can you seriously not deal with that as an adult? How do any of you hold down jobs?!
It may shock a lot of people nowadays but unless you are a direct family member, you're not who is important at a funeral. Your needs come second to the people who are going through the worst time of their lives. You are there to show respect, and love, and support.
And your crocs are not doing that.
So grow the fuck up and put on something appropriate. It really isn't hard. It doesn't need to be a fascinator (and OP never said it does) just something that looks like you give a tiny bit of a shit about anyone other than yourself. And is preferably clean.

Make up and heels are certainly not necessarily, but being neatly and respectfully turned out is. I take my cue from the relatives and dress soberly and formally unless they request something different. If no requests are made I'll go for the conservative option.

My beloved grandfather disliked dull colours and loved warm brights. I quailled, having put on a red polka-dot dress to his funeral thinking others might find it disrespectful, went upstairs, and put on dark blue. My cousin said: 'go and put it back on, he'll love it!' Indeed he would have. I was the relative who knew him better than most others.

My friend's family suggested we could wear an item in yellow, her favourite colour. It very much depends on what's right for the family. I don't think turning up in track suits or flip flops is acceptable at all unless that look is specifically requested.

There is no right or wrong way. The point here is that a grieving relative feels disrespected by low-effort dress, and that view is what matters. OP, I'm sorry you had one more thing making you sad on an already sad day. Your guests were unreasonable. Sending you condolences.

Hugely inappropriate to call the OP judgy and she should take a leaf out of her dad's book. She is grieving FFS and the funeral was only yesterday so everything is so very raw.

Despite some other poster suggesting hats were uncommon and for royalty, this is the kind of thing I wore to my own dad's funeral.

Their attire may not have been appropriate. But it's very hot. And they turned up. I've been to funerals where there were only 3 people. It was desperately sad.

Condolences on your loss. 🌸

You are absolutely not being unreasonable. It's about respect, and fewer and fewer people understand that these days. I am sorry for your loss. It gets, not easier as such, but different. X

We communicate through our clothing.
I know a lot of people turn up to a funeral who quite probably didn’t see the person much when they were alive but I think if they do they can dress appropriately.
That means no jogging bottoms. No strappy tops. And consider what message you want to send by the clothes you do wear.

AMEN. Scummy rotters indeed.

First of all, so sorry for your loss, OP. And YANBU, of course, don't listen to all the 'celebration of life', 'but it's comfy', 'be grateful they showed up' idiots. You're absolutely right; dress respectfully or don't bother attending. 'Would you rather they came in joggers or not at all' - NOT AT ALL, obviously; who needs chavs at a funeral of a loved one.

I'm European, in my 30s, and no, no one specifically gives us lectures on what to wear at funerals. You know why? BECAUSE IT'S OBVIOUS, SHERLOCK! My 13-year-old teen knows what to wear, because she has brains and eyes, never mind actual adults. Wear black, formal clothing, cover up, no tits&bits, no chav in the shops attire; I mean, does it really need spelling out?

It changed a bit in recent years; now closest family are suited and booted, all black (regardless of a 'massive heatwave of 31 degrees', are you having a laugh here with such a 'heatwave'). Others can wear different colours, but all dark, no prints. No shorts, joggers, flip-flops, strappy tops and shit like that, jesus.

We had one dragged-up skank showing up to my grandad's funeral. He was a well-known man, and the funeral was large, all people in black pretty much. She rocked up in a red maxi dress, with her daughter in a crop top. They were asked to leave as soon as they stepped inside.

They were asked to leave as soon as they stepped inside.

Good.