To be upset at how many people turned up to my dad's funeral in casual clothes?

[Wheelchairbarbie]

My dad died last month and the funeral was yesterday. It was an unexpected death and very very painful for us all to lose him.
I don't know if I'm wrong and I shouldn't be focusing on it but I can't stop thinking about how many people came to the funeral yesterday just dressed as though it was a random day in Tesco.
Women in strappy tops and tight, short dresses, men in jeans or jogging bottoms, some not even clean, trainers and flip flops everywhere, hair in messy buns, it was all there.
I felt so upset that they didn't seem to think him or we were worth the effort.
I've never seen funeral guests dressed like this. I've always put on a black dress, spent time over my make up, worn nice jewellery and heels, maybe even a pashmina and a hairpiece. I'm only 35?

AIBU to have found it so upsetting?

I think you have every right to feel upset and I would say it seems very unusual gor this level of casual. But try not to let it get you down as it must be tough for you without thinking of how they dressed.

I agree it’s not appropriate to wear joggers or a paint stained T-shirt to a funeral. It does not take much to put on a clean shirt and a pair of trousers on. Even dark jeans with a tidy top would have been nice

Maybe they’ve come straight from work because it’s difficult to get time off?

I have been shocked at this at most funerals I’ve been to. It’s not even like it’s just the young people either. Someone came to my grandpa’s funeral in a scruffy purple mac and red shoes. I’m clearly just v old fashioned (or just respectful!)

Not everyone sees a funeral in this way

I don't really remember what people wore to Dad's funeral, but I remember a lot of people who were there. I don't remember what many people wore to Mum's funeral, but I do remember one of my schoolfriend being there in work uniform, and taking her lunch hour to be at the service. I realised when I was there, I didn't care what people wore to church. I appreciated that enough people cared to be there to pack the church out to say goodbye, and if that meant they could only spare their lunch hour and no time to change, it was okay. They were there. That was what was important.

Once upon a time people would get changed at work before leaving for a funeral. Or pop home to get changed. Or if they were really pushed for time get changed in their car. No excuse really.

Our family has had both a funeral and a celebration of life this year. At my cousin's event, the dress code was very much ' come dressed as though you are attending a spring wedding ' the whole event was a true tribute to the deceased and in fact, had been planned by them, down to the disco music they wanted us to dance to!
At my mum's funeral a few weeks later we suggested a certain theme but only if people already had something suitable. We were very clear that the important thing was that people were present, whatever they wore. The service was one with tears, of course, but also lots of laughter as the minister related some of the memories my mum's dgcs had shared with him. And I won't even talk about the flowers! Suffice to say, it was really nice to talk to everyone and share their memories of my mum. I know that what mattered to us, was that people made an effort to attend, regardless of what they chose to wear.

At my work, if I want time off to attend a funeral of anyone other than a close relative (spouse, dcs, parents and siblings, not even in-laws) we have to take it unpaid. I know there are lots of companies who have similar policies, so the fact that people took time out of their day, and possibly lost pay, means far more than what they were wearing.

Why else would someone not be clean to attend a funeral?

OP only mentioned paint on clothes further down on her thread. She implied initially some guests were actually dirty.

People have never worn them - in England at least - unless extremely formal occasion, like royalty or similar. A hat would be more appropriate than a fascinator type thing imo, but it takes all sorts

No. Unless it’s requested, then turning up as a chavvy slob at funerals is not a good look.

Bad manners.

No. Its not a normal thing. I've never heard of it being expected!!!

I'm so sorry you lost your Dad.

Funerals do vary, preferences vary, but are normally expressed if it's something like 'colourful'. I think black is still the norm, some make-up, smartish shoes, nothing over the top. So I would have been surprised by your funeral guests as well.

Reflection on society as a whole these days. Long standing traditional values and standards seem to have been dropped in favour of a very casual approach to everything. I'd expect nothing more from a generation of younger people who seem to spend half their lives in pyjamas.

Maybe, although they're poor and dishevelled, they at least want to pay their respects in person to the deceased. They turned up, in many cases probably as well turned out as they could manage, but they still showed up nevertheless. Don't judge a book by its cover, they used to say....

I went to a funeral last week, it was 31°. Most ladies were in either short dresses, summer dresses (mostly black) and some had sandals on. Personally I wouldn't wear open toe shoes to a funeral at all as it seems weird as not formal enough but I dont think its awful if someone does. When its 31° then I think whatever is comfortable and they have all shown up to support. My friend was worried about her DD and her cousins who are teens/early 20s as all their outfit choices were mini dresses but none of them were showing loads of cleavage etc, I said to her dont worry, its 2026 no one will bat an eyelid, the girls are here and making the effort and thats what matters.

Personally I wouldnt overthink it, one of DHs friends came to our DSs christening in a church wearing shorts and flip flops, everyone else wore suits. We just laughed about it, he looked daft TBH and I probably had a passing thought that he cld have made an effort but at least he was there.

Would he have been disappointed or would he be touched they came and understand that we are experiencing some very hot weather?

That's very very different. I am sure you looked like you made some effort and looked lovely
Flip flops alone would not be an issue at all and I likely wouldn't have noticed
It's the entire not giving a fuck look that bothered me. I felt hurt. So did my mum and siblings

Slobs, lazy, half dressed, dirty and dishevelled guests with no self respect or respect for others are the eye sore of the world. Saggy tracksuits, tacky trainers, grubby jeans and an air of total neglect is disappointing to see anywhere.

It would upset me at a funeral, and I’d probably ask them to leave if they wore flip flops or anything revealing. Not in a church or crematorium unless they have a medical condition or it is 35c.

I'm with you @Wheelchairbarbie. I think it's very disrespectful.

"Casual", I can kind of understand. A dark pair of jeans with a clean t-shirt if that's what you have. Your dad doesn't sound like the type to want people to buy a new outfit to attend. But dirty? Just rolled out of bed? No. I simply do not believe that the majority of people wouldn't put on something appropriate, or at least when offering their condolences have an excuse ready - they got caught up and weren't able to change for whatever reason.

This is like saying it's really weird to go and do your big shop in Tesco while wearing pyjamas - because of course it is, the majority of the human race recognise that - and then some contrary bugger says "no it's not, it's totally fine, stop policing people!".

So first flip flops are out, now it's sandals. Does that mean that the higher the heel of shoe equates to the level of respect being shown?

I do think things have changed massively. My sons friend who is mid 20s is coming on a cruise with us this year, he doesnt own trousers, shirts or shoes at all, not even jeans. Just joggers and shorts!! Things are very different now. When my DC go clubbing they wear jeans, joggers, shorts and trainers to nightclubs, when I went in the late 90s/early 00s you had to wear trousers and shoes. Times are different and people need to accept that IMO.

obviously not.
She's upset people took time off work to come and pay their respects but weren't respectful enough to chuck a spare clean shirt to change into/put over their work one for an hour.

Some of these excuses are pathetic. A clean t shirt isn't less comfortable on a hot day than a dirty one. A smartish summer dress or loose pair of trousers (doesn't have to be black) is as cool/cooler than a part of shorts, and definitely cooler than joggers!

If that's too much to ask standards are at dirt level.

I'm very sorry for your loss. We have had to go through two family funerals this year. First my DH and then my mother. It is very hard.

With regard to what people wear to funeral, I think that it is perfectly possible to be smart casual yet still respectfully dressed. Not strappy tops or flip-flops, those are more like beach wear, but I do think there is a middle way here. You don't have to be totally formal either. Clean and well presented is important.

I would usually wear dark trousers ( not jeans or joggers), a short sleeved blouse and have a nice jacket with me. I don't see it as overly formal, but it is nice, comfortable and blends in well.

However, if going to a funeral organised by/for someone else I take my cues from the family of the deceased person and a few years ago went to one where they had asked those who could to wear the football strip of the team they supported, with jeans. Others were to be casually dressed (jeans also encouraged), so we did that.

People did wear a number of different colours to my DH's and my mum's funerals this year. All were respectful though and I can't say I paid it too much attention. I was just grateful that they came.

Funerals are gradually becoming less formal than they used to be. The key is to take your lead from the family organising it and see what they want.

I'd be upset too.

Very sorry for your loss x