To be upset at how many people turned up to my dad's funeral in casual clothes?

[Wheelchairbarbie]

My dad died last month and the funeral was yesterday. It was an unexpected death and very very painful for us all to lose him.
I don't know if I'm wrong and I shouldn't be focusing on it but I can't stop thinking about how many people came to the funeral yesterday just dressed as though it was a random day in Tesco.
Women in strappy tops and tight, short dresses, men in jeans or jogging bottoms, some not even clean, trainers and flip flops everywhere, hair in messy buns, it was all there.
I felt so upset that they didn't seem to think him or we were worth the effort.
I've never seen funeral guests dressed like this. I've always put on a black dress, spent time over my make up, worn nice jewellery and heels, maybe even a pashmina and a hairpiece. I'm only 35?

AIBU to have found it so upsetting?

Oh, op, I am so sorry for your awful loss.

I'm of your approach to funerals- unless specifically asked to dress casually/ colourfully then I would be formal in my appearance and feel this is part of showing the proper respect. At the very least I would expect people to be clean and neat even if the clothes they wore were of the more casual kind.

I don’t think it’s established that she’s unusually formal. Most people I know would wear a clean, black dress or clean black suit to a funeral. Perhaps just shirt and trousers due to the heat. But not jeans or joggers.

OPs hair thing and pashmina appear to be specifically for elderly church funerals which would typically be more formal. While I think that’s over the top it is more classic funeral than sloppy casual wear.

I’ve said YABU for several reasons

Work clothes - taking time out of your work day to attend a funeral to show respect is not something I’d never get upset over, I’d be grateful they took the time. One of my cousins drove 2 hours to attend another cousins funeral, he was in his work clothes while the rest of the family were in our funeral clothes, we were just happy he managed to make it. Several of my cousins work colleagues were also in their work clothes as they had to go back to work after.

Casual clothes - where as I have several funeral outfits as I’ve been to far too many funerals, not everyone else has. I know many adults who have never been to a funeral and may not know the etiquette. I know that locals from a few of my DFs favourite drinking spots came to his funeral, what they wore I’ve no idea as I wasn’t focussing on them. I did notice a few people outside the church in everyday clothes but most didn’t go to the wake so no idea who these people were but they obviously cared enough to turn up to say good bye to my DF.

My DF was always smartly dressed, personally he’d never go to a funeral in anything but a funeral suit but he’d never judge anyone for turning up at his in casual clothes. Long gone are the days of everyone being in black, it’s very common these days for people to wear colours and casual clothes.

I think your being extremely irrational about what other people wore, I was far to much in a bubble to even care what people wore to my DFs funeral. I also don’t remember who came up to me and who didn’t. I do remember the church and crem being packed but only speaking to family or people who knew me. Who the other mourners were I have no idea but they must of cared about my DF to show up that’s all that matters in the end.

You’re not unreasonable to be upset if that’s how you feel.
At the time of my husband’s funeral I can remember being put out that 2 people turned up in gym gear.
I did calm down quite quickly and then appreciated that they had to come straight from work, and had only been allocated a very short break in order to attend. On balance I was pleased they made the effort to attend at all.
I am sorry for your loss.

What work did your Dad do, and were these colleagues, friends from the pub, or family members?? I think we need context.

Most funerals I have been to have been very small, few best friends and family only, which is much better I think. Black, no. Hairpiece, WTF, no. Veils, again, where are you? Surely not the UK. But people should dress neatly, and cleanly. Again in the UK we have no rules about bare shoulders, or shorts, but most people would try to be a little more subtle. Plain (any colour) Summer dress with short sleeves and flat sandals would be the order of the day for me.

No but you did muscle in on my reply to that comment…

As I’ve already said, more important that the top half stays cool.

When people dress up to the nines it suggests that they're wanting to be looked at and thinking about how people perceive them, which is possibly fair enough in some situations. A funeral isn't one of those times, it's a time for being mentally present and thinking about the person who's died. Different arrangements of materials and textiles (known as clothing) are irrelevant.
I'm truly sorry for your loss, and I wonder if some of this distress is part of your grieving.

Sorry for your loss Op but I think you’re focusing on the wrong thing here .Why does it matter what they wire ? Maybe it was hot, perhaps they can’t afford formal clothes or feel uncomfortable in them or they wanted to dress as they did when interacting with your DF - there could be many reasons. Don’t judge then on their clothes , judge then on the fact that they cared enough to show up

I went to a funeral where one young woman was in jeans and a crop top. I’m all for wearing what you want and I didn’t judge but I was surprised at the relaxed clothing. I wonder if young people don’t feel the same about formality for certain occasions.

That would be completely bizarre at any UK funeral unless specified to wear what you’re comfortable in. A summer dress and sandals like it’s a BBQ?

Did these people attend the entire funeral, including the function afterwards, or just the church service?

My sister passed away unexpectedly last year and I was shocked at the number of people who attended the funeral in casual clothes, but most of them were people who knew her and wanted to pay their respects, but were not close enough to join us for the lunch and drinks afterwards. Everyone who came to the function was dressed appropriately.

If someone just wants to pay their respects and maybe they are going on to Tesco or the school afterwards, perhaps the important thing is they turned up rather than what they wore?

But I agree I would always make the effort.

You're the second person who has quoted me whilst leaving the very important last line off.
Dad had standards. He was a good man, but he still had standards.
And I am proud of the fact that he brought me up to have them too.
If he had been attending a funeral with us and had seen the way people were dressed yesterday, he would have been disappointed in them.

I was at a funeral yesterday, the majority had worn some dark clothing, some wore quite inappropriate dresses. most men had worn suits or dark trousers with a white shirt , one had turned up in shorts

I hope whoever ends up organising my funeral is clear that anyone who wants to attend is welcome and there is no dress code. I find dressing up tedious and wouldn't want anyone to think they have to for me.

I do make a reasonable effort for all funerals I attend to the tune of wearing a dress in a darkish colour. But I wouldn't associate anyone not doing so with a lack of respect.

The last funeral I went to, there were two women my own age wearing sleeveless black dresses that looked like dressed down party frocks. I don't think anyone else wore black at all. That said, a colleague of mine once turned up to work in a little black suit, hat with veil, the works, because she was taking the afternoon off to go to a funeral. I'm somewhere in the middle, myself. Like weddings, a family funeral is not an occasion to grab the limelight so I go for respectable and dark colours.

“why the people following the more longstanding custom of dark, formal clothes aren't.”

Already answered that!

“Interestingly, you've left out the key part of my post addressing temperatures”

No I haven’t. Already answered that! Many times.

“The heatwaves we've been having in the 2020s didn't exist in the same way before covid. It's actually entirely conceivable that most of the population have never been to a formal, sombre event in 31 degree heat.”

And that has to do with funerals in 2026 because….? Yes we did have heatwaves, many of them in the 70s/80s/90s/ 2000s/2010s. It’s rare I’ve known a year where temperatures haven’t got to 30+ degrees. Even so… who the fuck wants to sweat in joggers/ jeans and trainers in that heat. Again the sheep.

I’d rather they didn’t turn up to mine if that’s how they want to look 🤣

I think it’s more important all of me stays cool. Who wants a sweaty fanny!

My parents were very old. I couldn’t tell you what anyone wore to their funerals. What I could tell you is that I was beyond moved that the crematorium was full for both of them and everyone who came was so kind. That was all that mattered to me.

How very sad that you value how people are turned out more than the people themselves.

Agreed. Farmers wouldn't turn up to any event looking anything but respectable.

I'm sorry for your loss, @Wheelchairbarbie , & the lady who lost her daughter.

To be honest, these days, I'm surprised in a way that people aren't going to funerals in pyjamas & dressing gowns.. I think it's only a matter of time..

I have a book with all my accounts in, solicitors details, etc, for my kids, when I'm gone, & I shall put in there my wishes for my own funeral, specifying sombre smart clothes, in a church, with a vicar, NOT a 'celebrant. It's my day & I'll have what I want.

For my own mum's funeral, it was a hot July day & I wore a smart black dress with long sleeves but a lightweight fabric. It CAN be done respectfully.

I'm sorry for your loss. I agree that clothes should at a bare minimum be at least clean. Did you specify any sort of dress code?

I’m sorry for your loss. I have lost both of my parents sadly.
But I honestly couldn’t tell you what a single person wore to either funeral. I think I wore a pink blouse to my mum’s, couldn’t tell you what I wore to my dad’s.
My cousin wore denim dungarees to my grandads funeral years ago and whilst I didn’t think it was terribly appropriate, he’d have just been happy that she turned up.
I wouldn’t attend a funeral in such casual clothes personally (unless it was stated) but I think it matters more that people wanted to pay their last respects.

It wouldn’t be sad because I know all my friends and family would turn up to my funeral wearing something suitable for a funeral. It’s how I’ve also been brought up, how the rest of my family have been brought up and my friends all have similar tastes to me 😊