To be upset at how many people turned up to my dad's funeral in casual clothes?

[Wheelchairbarbie]

My dad died last month and the funeral was yesterday. It was an unexpected death and very very painful for us all to lose him.
I don't know if I'm wrong and I shouldn't be focusing on it but I can't stop thinking about how many people came to the funeral yesterday just dressed as though it was a random day in Tesco.
Women in strappy tops and tight, short dresses, men in jeans or jogging bottoms, some not even clean, trainers and flip flops everywhere, hair in messy buns, it was all there.
I felt so upset that they didn't seem to think him or we were worth the effort.
I've never seen funeral guests dressed like this. I've always put on a black dress, spent time over my make up, worn nice jewellery and heels, maybe even a pashmina and a hairpiece. I'm only 35?

AIBU to have found it so upsetting?

At my husband's funeral I simply didn't care what anyone wore. Family/friends wore bright clothes as requested. What other people wore just wasn't important, the fact they came was.

Black is a respectful colour to wear to a funeral - funerals are by their nature morbid, they aren’t entertainment and it isn’t a trip to the supermarket. You should only wear bright colours of the immediate family request it - I have been to children’s funerals where this was reqested.

OP I am so sorry for your loss and agree it is disrespectful to turn up in very casual clothes to a funeral. I have seen standards slip at funeral over the last five years in particular - men in trainers and jeans, people in hoodies.

Even in warm weather it is possible to wear a simple dark t-shirt and dark trousers. People have less and less respect for others and themselves. I suppose we shouldn’t be surprised - people wear their pajamas to school pick up and the supermarket

So why are jogger wearers sheep but the more traditional, dark formal clothes wearers not? I'm not interested in what gets you more judged, just this question specifically.

The reason why people might own joggers but not more formal, heatwave friendly clothing is because actually, the latter is still quite an uncommon thing to need to dress for in our society. I happen to have a couple of dark, plain maxis myself, but that wasn't anything to do with planning for funeral attendance. This is why saying they've always got jeans and joggers but not clothes for quite a specific niche isn't a very salient point.

So you're talking about people potentially having to buy something specific, which obviously is going to be inaccessible to some, and at quite short notice because you don't know the temperature til a few days in advance. This is, like it or not, an explanation as to why heat is a reason why people might not have anything they deem suitable. If this sort of weather starts happening every summer, more and more people will have formal, funeral suitable heatwave wear.

That’s you. Not everyone is the same! I’d hope on my funeral people don’t turn up like a looking like a scruff that couldn’t be arsed to make an effort and have been wearing the same clothes every day since Covid 🤣

You're not being unreasonable for the way you feel, because it's how you feel, and it's a difficult time for you.

But honestly, it doesn't matter. It's the fact they're there that's important, not what they wear.

With so many people working from home these days, fewer and fewer people actually have smart clothes that are "suitable" for a funeral.

Honestly, they were there to pay their respects. Their clothes DON'T matter.

I don’t think that “new thing” is quite universal. When in doubt I would wear sombre clothing.

I doubt they were in jogging bottoms
and t-shirts.

Do you not understand that a cardigan or shawl is too hot in high temperatures, regardless of how “classy” or not the rest of the outfit is?

Im not defending joggers or jeans at a funeral but saying they should have worn a cardigan is unreasonable in this weather.

You are not unreasonable at all OP. How hard is it to put on something half decent that’s clean, and ideally black? Don’t we all have a certain amount of funerals to go to in our lives, so you could easily have something hanging in your cupboard already? My cousin’s wife showed up in a bright yellow sun dress at my father’s funeral. I found it distracting! Yes, it’s great that she came (and that all those people came to your father’s funeral), I was grateful for it, I really was. But the way so many people rocked up at your dad’s funeral … I don’t understand it at all. You’re not unreasonable and you’re not emotional. You simply have standards - just like your dad had.

I am so incredibly sorry for your loss and YANBU. It sounds so disrespectful. My mum died last month and the funeral was.last week. We had a church service, then a short service in the crematorium and then the wake. The church was absolutely full and, even though it was an extremely hot day everyone was dressed well. Men in dark suits and ties and ladies in smart, black outfits. I was so pleaaed that everyone had made such an effort (my mum.was very traditional), so I completely understand how you feel and why you were upset. I think those who made little effort were highly disrespectful. Maybe it was simply a lack of thought and ignorance, but it's still very poor. Once again, I'm so sorry for your loss.

I turned up to a relatives funeral on my motorbike, I hope the family were more appreciative of me being there rather than how I was dressed personally. Can't say I gave a shit about what people wore to own my mothers funeral.

If anyone had worn a hat or fascinator to my husband's funeral I would have been amazed! They are surely for weddings?

I’m sorry about your Dad.
I can understand why you don’t like the fact that people came to the funeral wearing casual or scruffy clothes. The most important thing is that they came though.
I wouldn’t think I’d need to wear black to a funeral but I would dress more smartly and would choose darker clothes.
I think when someone dies the most important thing is for everyone to be a kind and understanding towards everyone else as possible. Everyone has such different ways of dealing with it.

“So why are jogger wearers sheep but the more traditional, dark formal clothes wearers not?”. Because they all started wearing the same attire as each other during Covid, have got stuck in a time warp and wear the same bloody outfits they have been wearing for the last 6 years. Formal wear is not every day. Like I said, doesn’t have to be formal, just look like you’ve made an effort and not rocked up to an occasion in the same outfits you’ve been wearing day in day out for 6 years.

”So you're talking about people potentially having to buy something specific, which obviously is going to be inaccessible to some, and at quite short notice because you don't know the temperature til a few days in advance.”

How do you think people attended funerals before Covid if they didn’t have the attire? Buy something special maybe? Borrow something? Or put together whatever outfit you had in the wardrobe that was suitable for such an occasion. You’re talking as if people didn’t used to make the effort before Covid.

I have never, ever seen a farmer attend a funeral in slovenly clothes. They might not be suited and booted but they have a ‘funeral outfit’. Where I live the farming community is more traditional and judgemental than the city folk.

it would be them who would be horrified by jeans and flip flops!

I don’t think it matters at the end of the day, the main thing is lots of people showed up because they loved your dad.

I don't think you can compare funeral clothes and wedding attire. Weddings are planned long in advance and for most are a full day event with photo. Outside close family, funerals usually involve juggling your routine a bit without much warning, and I wouldn't expect anyone outside close family to be wearing hats, veils or fascinators. Even close family I'd be surprised at this these days in the UK. My father had a chapel service, close family wore smart black (dresses & suits, my youngish nephews mostly just shirt & tie), I didn't really pay much attention to what anyone else was wearing, it was just nice to see them all turn out on a weekday to pay their respects, and nicer still to catch up with them at the wake.

🤣🤣🤣🤣 I didn’t make the shawl / cardigan comment. Get your point but a shawl/ cardigan probably looks more put together than the equally hot jeans and joggers/ trainers combo.

I went to a funeral today and no one was dressed as you describe. Even though it was hot, most men were in shirts and ties (not many jackets). Or open neck shirts.
Women were all in either dresses or trousers and a smart short sleeved top.

My friends mum died last month. I wore a black dress (shoulders fully covered), did my hair, make up and put my flip flops on. It was a 35 degree day, I was getting over an ankle injury and they were the only comfortable footware I could tolerate. Even without the injury I'd probably still have worn them due to the temperatures.

Absolutely no disrespect was intended towards my friend or her mum, both of whom I adore and it never occurred to me that she or anyone else would even care what was on my feet. I guess I should count myself lucky that she hadn't cut me out of her life for such a faux pas.

Or for the funerals in movies.

Hairpieces, veils and mantillas? What the heck?

My job means I’m at crematoria at least once a week, so I see many funeral goers milling about. Most people don’t dress overly formally nowadays and it’s quite rare to see everyone in black, but the vast majority are respectable. I’m not sure I’ve ever seen people in dirty workwear, trainers and flip
flops. Your group sounded like a right old bag of scruffs, OP.

I’ve been to various funerals with farmers. Can’t imagine one ever turning up in the torn overalls they just used to muck out their dairy herd.

So again, I'm not just asking you why you think the jogger wearers are sheep, but why the people following the more longstanding custom of dark, formal clothes aren't. I'm not asking you whether you think funeral wear has to be formal, I'm asking you to explain why this doesn't apply to followers of that specific norm.

Interestingly, you've left out the key part of my post addressing temperatures. Which is what the post of mine you commented on in the first place was about. I'll restate it here:

The reason why people might own joggers but not more formal, heatwave friendly clothing is because actually, the latter is still quite an uncommon thing to need to dress for in our society.

The heatwaves we've been having in the 2020s didn't exist in the same way before covid. It's actually entirely conceivable that most of the population have never been to a formal, sombre event in 31 degree heat. That's why they might not have anything suitable in the wardrobe. And as pointed out already, requiring people to buy something new means some of them won't be able to do afford that.

Sometimes people are lucky that they have anyone showing up!