To be upset at how many people turned up to my dad's funeral in casual clothes?

[Wheelchairbarbie]

My dad died last month and the funeral was yesterday. It was an unexpected death and very very painful for us all to lose him.
I don't know if I'm wrong and I shouldn't be focusing on it but I can't stop thinking about how many people came to the funeral yesterday just dressed as though it was a random day in Tesco.
Women in strappy tops and tight, short dresses, men in jeans or jogging bottoms, some not even clean, trainers and flip flops everywhere, hair in messy buns, it was all there.
I felt so upset that they didn't seem to think him or we were worth the effort.
I've never seen funeral guests dressed like this. I've always put on a black dress, spent time over my make up, worn nice jewellery and heels, maybe even a pashmina and a hairpiece. I'm only 35?

AIBU to have found it so upsetting?

(Irish) Catholic funerals are in often less than 2 days after the death of- strictly 2 nights! Not much time to go shopping when you are attending a wake and grieving - even for an internet delivery.

It does seem everything is more casual these days, but I would expect people to be respectfully covered up and clean. Informal is okay, but not something you'd wear scruffily lounging around the house or to the gym.

I'm sorry for your loss, OP. You're right, obviously. But some people are a bit rude, antisocial and clodhoppingly inappropriate weird about this. The other week someone said it was "contemptible" to put a dress code on a wedding invitation.

You gave examples of things you own and like. The part about how that's relevant has been missing from multiple posts now.

It remains the case that people don't necessarily own the clothes the pp said they could wear, and that owning trainers doesn't magic ballet flats or thin formal trousers into your wardrobe too.

And the 'sheep' comment is particularly bemusing because this is a thread about people not wearing what was typically expected. OP was wearing black, the traditional mourning colour, I do hope you wouldn't accuse people in dark coloured, formal clothes of being 'sheep following sheep' because they're observing a common custom.

According to your idea of what is respectful. My point is (as is evidenced nicely by this thread) people don’t agree on what is necessary or respectful for a funeral; the op has an idea which is presumably different to some of the other guests. Unless the guests were being rude or in other ways disrespectful, I don’t think you can necessarily draw conclusions from their dress about how they feel about the OP’s father.

Jeans and joggers in a heatwave? Come on!

I’d say I’m middle class… I’ve never been to a funeral where people haven’t made some degree of effort when attending… almost all the time they are properly smart. Maybe I’m upper-middle class after all!

OP I understand. Even if it were a "wear any colours, be comfortable" type of service I'd still not expect to see things like joggers, flipflops, spaghetti straps, mucky clothing, messy hair, etc.

To me a funeral service is to pay your respects to the person who has died, and their loved ones and to me part of showing respect is to dress appropriately. That means being clean, groomed, and in smart (or even smart casual at a push) clothing and footwear.

I am sorry for your loss op. And I agree with you. Funerals are a time for smart, clean attire. But I’ve been to a couple over the last 2-3 years and noticed that not everyone seems to think so. One particularly memorable outfit was a backless play suit, no coat, in December (she must have been freezing). I also noticed people playing on phones during the service - not children, adults. So disrespectful.

I think you can tell they’re “I don’t give a fuck”’ scumbags even if they have some passing affection for the deceased.

My grandmother's carers attended her funeral. I would not have expected them to change for it, they have enough to do.

Sorry for your loss op.

I would say obviously people should be turning up in clean clothes and things like joggers are ridiculous.

I would be somewhere in the middle of these scenarios though. I have worn a dress to funerals but no make up, heels, fancy jewellery or hair pieces. You sound like you dressed for a wedding.

The thread is quite long now so maybe I have missed an update from the OP but I’ve not read anything that indicates they are ‘scumbags’? She has only talked about what they wore (again, unless I’ve missed it).

It’s sheep following sheep. Exact same uniform since Covid. Like I said on another post, people are stuck in a time warp since Covid and seem unable to put together a suitable outfit for an occasion. You can defend all you like, but turn up to a funeral in jeans and joggers and people will judge you, as on they are this thread. The op is clearly upset at the lack of respect shown by the jeans and joggers can’t be arsed to make an effort clan shown at her father’s funeral.

People don’t necessarily own the clothes op has stated on this thread. Maybe not, but what’s with making the effort to buy or borrow something. They always seem to own a bloody pair of jeans and joggers lol.

YABU. When it was my dad's funeral I was just so touched seeing people turn up to see him off. When I saw faces of people who I hadn't seen for years, and people who had struggled to get there it made me so happy and proud.
I couldn't tell you what they were wearing and I couldn't give a toss, I just remember how I felt seeing them show up for him.
People made the effort to turn up, that says a lot more in my book.

If someone doesn’t have any clothes that are even passably smart, and have nothing to wear but a grubby t-shirt and some joggers, yet they have the money to get some time-permitting, they should be ashamed.

I am sorry @Wheelchairbarbie I lost my mum very suddenly almost 6 years ago (she collapsed and died at home despite all the paramedics did). Something like this changes you.

This was during Covid and we were only allowed 15 people at her funeral, we had to wear masks and we were unable to hold a wake. How I wish it had been different, but this is just another part of my grief I have had to try and make peace with.

Your loss is raw and your grief in such early stages, but please know that nothing that happens will ever change the love between you and your dad.

Absolutely. Just like the dozens of elderly farmers who arranged for someone else to handle the milking, climbed into their cars and rove 40 miles to attend my uncle's funeral because they'd grown up alongside him, even though he'd lived in the city for decades. '"I don't give a fuck" scumbags', every one of them, as the queued up to shake my mum and my aunts' hands and condole and share their memories of sitting next to my uncle at school, because they were casually dressed. 🙄

No reason for shame. There isn't a dresscode. Affection for the deceased, or a desire to support the bereaved is all that is required.

No one suggested jeans or joggers should be worn? If they were worn then those particular people obviously felt comfortable in the temperature (mainly the torso/arms that needs cooler clothing rather than the legs anyway.)

She’s saying people should have worn a cardigan or shawl. It’s a ridiculous thing to suggest when the temperature is 30+.

Anyone who can’t be arsed to dress appropriately for a funeral and thinks it’s ok to rock up in joggers and a grubby t-shirt is a dirty disrespectful scumbag in my book.

We had some turn up to my great aunt’s funeral a couple of years ago who were completely inappropriate. 5 ‘carers’ turned up from the company she paid to look after her - 3 had never met her and 1 had been banned from dealing with her due to theft, the other 1 turned up dressed as if she was going to the palace garden party and in a huge expensive new car which she used to intercept the funeral cars on the way to the crematorium from the church so she could be first there 🫣. Turns out she was the carer who was charging £30 a time to walk to the corner shop a few metres away and had siphoned thousands out of my relative with lies about cancer etc (police had no interest in that or the thefts).

Most were dressed like they were off to Aldi and they heckled the vicar during the ceremony! They made snide comments about my great aunt and laughed loudly and made loud and rude comments about her during the ceremony. It was awful.

They were only interested in the wake (ie free food) and were very annoyed they’d made the effort to turn up for nothing when we told them there wasn’t one. My mum finally got them to leave by asking them if they wanted to make a charity donation. They suddenly had somewhere to be 😄

I just don’t understand some people. I can’t understand the lack of effort for what I see as a formal occasion and I certainly can’t understand the complete lack of respect.

I’d hope on the day of my funeral people will be thinking of me and my life, not judging the clothes of the people who attend. And if there is another world, then know that it’s the judgers, I’ll be judging!🙄

Yet there’s people on here defending the fact that jeans and joggers aren’t too hot but a nice put together outfit suitable for the summer that’s classy, not too short, not too hot to wear… is somehow too hot for the very same people who wear jeans and joggers in hot weather 🤣

I am sorry for you loss

One issues is that a lot of people cannot get a full or half day off of work for a funeral these days so may only get an hour away to attend the service. if coming/going back to work then there is no time or place to change.
In my view attendance is preferred over being in proper attire.