To be upset at how many people turned up to my dad's funeral in casual clothes?

[Wheelchairbarbie]

My dad died last month and the funeral was yesterday. It was an unexpected death and very very painful for us all to lose him.
I don't know if I'm wrong and I shouldn't be focusing on it but I can't stop thinking about how many people came to the funeral yesterday just dressed as though it was a random day in Tesco.
Women in strappy tops and tight, short dresses, men in jeans or jogging bottoms, some not even clean, trainers and flip flops everywhere, hair in messy buns, it was all there.
I felt so upset that they didn't seem to think him or we were worth the effort.
I've never seen funeral guests dressed like this. I've always put on a black dress, spent time over my make up, worn nice jewellery and heels, maybe even a pashmina and a hairpiece. I'm only 35?

AIBU to have found it so upsetting?

YANBU.
I honestly don’t know when grown adults became unable to dress appropriately or respectfully for an occasion, I get that the world changed a lot post Covid, but goodness mske an effort for a funeral .
So sorry for your loss OP.
Take care x

But time does accommodate, what, two hours a week to attend a funeral, but not an extra 10 to do a quick change in a loo/van/wherever into smart clothes you've brought with you?

Sorry??

"An ungrateful little madam" what a horrible, patronising and nasty thing to say to an adult who buried her father just yesterday and who is clearly upset.

What is she supposed to be grateful for exactly? That someone "made the effort" to turn up to an event in a strappy top, a messy bun and dirty joggers? Woo hoo
Thanks a lot 🙄

I'd make more effort on the school run FFS.

Bet they all feasted on the buffet afterwards too, the scummy rotters.

People just don't have any upbringing, any manners these days OP. Focus on your grief and not these disrespectful a-holes. And I'm including some of the people on this thread in that description btw

It's best to just focus on them showing up for your dad rather than what they were wearing. No point upsetting yourself over clothes

I think that tech companies and their style of work wear contributed.

It’s disrespectful and some people just come for the wake afterwards. A friend of mine lost someone young. She said lots of people turned up because they had heard it was a free bar. They claimed to raise a drink to the man but got horribly drunk and had to be escorted out.

You are projecting your opinions on what wearing a smart pair of trousers means onto people that almost certainly (given their choice of attire) don’t feel the same way. To you it’s disrespectful - I am sure that they didn’t see it that way.

That’s not the point though is it. I was giving examples of sheep following sheep. You seem to be defending to the hilt this trend of people dressing like can’t be arsed to make an effort. Doesn’t have to be too formal, just a black dress. Could short sleeved black dress that’s not too short. Men could wear a thin short sleeved shirt. There are always cool options but jeans/ trainers/ joggers because trendy innit and it’s what everyone wears.

It’s over 30 degrees so I don’t think you can say anything about strappy tops, likewise work clothes - people obviously just nipped out to the funeral and I think that’s very kind of them to put themselves out.
Equally jeans and messy buns are inoffensive.

It sounds as though you dress up to the max formality for funerals which is what you find appropriate - not that many people would hit your levels. But the point is they loved your dad and took time to come - and if your dad was so kind and non judgemental, would he actually mind?

I think you’re probably very upset about your dad and projecting. It’s easier to be upset by a strappy top than the fact you’ve lost your beloved dad. I’m sorry for your loss.

I agree with you OP, it’s very disrespectful to turn up to a funeral in casual clothes, I’d expect people to grab something from a supermarket or charity shop, even if it’s just a shirt with no tie, jeans or jogging bottoms or flip flops are unacceptable.

Perhaps you are right. I hate the fact that everyone is prepared to arrive at any event looking disheveled & making no effort. What have we become?

Sorry for loss OP.

When I go, a lot of my friends I see on the beach for swimming, wave jumping, fun and laughter.

I would rather they turn up in their dry robes and towelling cover ups than turn up in black with fascinations and pashminas m, I wouldn’t recognise them!

Completely agree. Sick of seeing scruffs everywhere tbh. The knack of knowing when to dress for the occasion has never been taught to some people unfortunately. It's going the same ways as manners and respect.

I wouldn't mind people not wearing black but i would still expect them to be properly dressed. The people that turn up like that are probably the same ones you see wearing flag shorts on holiday in the restaurants and bloody flip flops.
You can still dress elegantly in the heat. I had the misfortune of sitting next to a guy in a fine dining restaurant last summer. Flip flops and shorts on. He had long legs and his feet were in my vision the whole time. Disgusting. I remember when you couldn't go out at the weekend and get in places with either jeans or trainers. Another tradition bites the dust.

Sorry for your loss OP 💐❤️

Bullshit. If you’re not a complete arsehole, you dress respectfully, because you’re there as much for the close family as for the person who passed away.

It doesn’t need to be particularly formal, and but people should make an effort to be smart.

Yes, I thought that -what a ridiculous thing to say on a post like this.

So sorry for you loss 💐. I think it is how things are sometimes today. I find it disrespectful and I completely agree with everything you wrote. I know easier said than done for your own benefit think about how they came to pay respects and remember your father and the clothes are just clothing.

This is the kind of “not clean” I can live with, if the person has literally left their job to come to a funeral and will be going back to work.

However I find the lack of formality quite disrespectful (and I hate that word 😂), a lot of generally younger women seem to think a funeral is on a par with a Saturday night out in terms of how they dress.

Im enough of an antique now to have an actual ‘funeral dress’, unfortunately I’m at the stage of life where I seem to be going to a LOT of funerals of friends’ parents etc

Agree with this. It’s like people are stuck in a time warp since Covid and are just wearing the same clothes they wore circa 2020/2021 day in day out. The covid pandemic ended 5 years ago.

Agree about dressing elegantly in the heat. If you don’t have black the doesn’t have to be black. A funeral is an occasion, not a day out at the working men’s club.

These days the family often issue a dress code, but if not, then I would dress smartly and in dark clothing, if not necessarily black.
That said, one funeral I went to asked for colourful clothes. I would still dress smartly though.
I remember seeing a funeral in a hot (Catholic country). The attendees were all smartly dressed, though often with short sleeve shirts. (ie smart normal long trousers, but with a short sleeve shirt and no jacket, due to it being a hot country.).
However, when a close family member died, I was not bothered about what anyone else wore, just pleased that they came.

I work in the funeral business and it embarrasses me. The thing is we are in quite a middle class area and it's the more middle class who think this is acceptable. The upper middle class and the working class dress appropriately.

My cousin, like me was a working class lad. He died last year at 58. He played rugby as do his 3 sons. There must have been 300 people, mainly working class people, at the funeral. His female relatives wore nice dresses. The men were suited and booted.... everyone dressed well.

Given that funerals aren't for several weeks at least get to a charity shop and buy a pair of trousers.

So sorry about your daughter xx

If someone doesn’t see that wearing jogging bottoms to a funeral is inappropriate, they are either:
a) “couldn’t give a fuck” twats who I wouldn’t want at a family funeral or
b) educationally very sub-normal people, who I’d have much more sympathy for because they didn’t know any better.

Which one do you think you are?

You can’t “pay your respects” if you’re not being respectful!

“A cardigan or a shawl” in a heatwave?! Come on.

I am very sorry that you are so upset by this but I feel like you’re ignoring all the good reasons that other posters have tried to suggest these people might have for being dressed the way they were. Especially those who looked like they had come from work.
I don’t know these people’s situations, maybe you do but it’s entirely possible that some of them have come directly from their job with no time to change and are going directly back to their job.
Do you truly believe that your dad would have been more bothered by what they’re wearing then the fact they came at all?

He made everyone feel welcome, regardless of background and he rarely judged anyone. In fact he used to tell me and my mum off if we ever got a bit judgy or gossipy.

I think perhaps he wouldn't have liked you posting like this about the people who came to his funeral, then?