DH friends want to discuss me, I want to be there, AIBU (TW)

[Anon8761]

NC.

This may be outting but I don't really care at this stage. It's also late so forgive any typos and I'm sorry if I forget anything and end up drip feeding.

TW: Mentions past sexual assault.

Me and DH married 5 years together 9.
DH has a friend group who meet weekly for food or a particular hobby they all enjoy. DH met most of these friends in school, they've been friends 30 years.

I was out one evening at a social event. I saw one of these friends sat on his own. We were at a bar type place. I text DH and asked if I should invite him to join me and friends. DH said of course, he even said he was happy friend (B) was there as if I became anxious or anything, he'd have my back. Sort of 'B is one of my people.. he'll look after you!' mentality.

I have PTSD. I was spiked and raped at 17 by 2 men. So social situations in bars can be difficult at times.
I'm 33 now, but still struggle quite a bit with flashbacks and things. I've worked immensely hard with EMDR therapy to try and overcome my difficulties. So, with that in mind DH was happy B was there.

I invited B over and almost immediately he said he was surprised to see me there 'because of what happened to me (the rapes)'
I was shocked. I didn't even know he knew.

He then proceeded to tell me the whole 'inner circle knew'. That DH had told them all.
Worse still, he carried on discussing my trauma at the table, at the bar, he wouldn't stop digging.

He even asked if DH satisfied me in bed.
He asked if I enjoyed sex more before my trauma or after. (He was unaware the age I was raped. But regardless. It made me VERY uncomfortable).

The list goes on... And on..
He said 'sorry if this is making you uncomfortable' mid way through but then continued?? So I don't think he was actually sorry.

This was ALL within ear shot of my friends, whom don't know my trauma, because it's private. Ultimately he made my whole evening about the worst time of my life, ever. He made me feel it defined me again, when I've worked tirelessly.. to be me and recover.

I end up leaving the social. A few friends text me to see if I am ok after as said I looked uncomfortable.
I told DH.

DH was angry. Has told his other friends. DH wants to never see B again.
However, other friends in this stupid inner circle now want some sort of meeting with them and DH and B.
To discuss this.. issue. To 'work through it' because it will make life difficult with their meet ups.

DH said to one friend, 'but what if it was your wife? And I'd said this, you wouldn't want a discussion would you?' And he agreed but still is pushing this, 'discussion' 'incase the friendship is salvageable'.

DH still wants to cut B off, but is willing to discuss because his friends keep asking him to.
But I'm so hurt, B attended our wedding etc.. he was supposed to look out for me that night, but instead made me feel unsafe and uncomfortable.

And quite frankly, why are these men planning on sitting around to discuss this? I feel vulnerable enough now. I feel upset enough.

So, I said to DH, if they plan on discussing this, I want to be there. DH said 'but I do have your back on this.' but I've asked DH to instead invite them to our house and I will send DC to my mums, because.. I don't know, I want minimum an apology before I ask B to leave.

DH said his friends are likely worried I will make them uncomfortable. But AIBU? I don't like the idea of them sitting and discussing it, especially B.

Sorry I'm a bit heartbroken.
Thanks.

OP, I'm so sorry for your original traumatic experience, for B putting you in thst position when you were out socialising, and the aftermath of them all wanting to discuss it. I don't know what to advise, but YANBU.

I don't think thdy shoukd have a meeting to discuss it without you, but if you're there when they discuss, are you not running the risk of being even more heartbroken if it doesn't end well.

Your DH should never have told them.

Sounds like they deserve to be made to feel uncomfortable, but I think you need to save some of your ire for your DH - why did he discuss it with all his friends in the first place?!

God, I'm so sorry to hear this.

On consideration, I don't know what there is for them all to discuss in their little conclave. And God Forbid the MEN feel uncomfortable!

Your DH should just ditch B and the others will just have to suck it up.

I'm curious to know what the fuck B was thinking?!

Keep going with the EMDR. It was life changing for me and you deserve the same outcome.

@GingerAndTheBiscuits apparently he told them because they were at our house making jokes in poor taste. And he'd said to stop as I was upstairs and then he told them the trauma. He said he thought I'd be angry so he didn't let me know that they knew. It's all horrible.

The questioning about sex, added on to the casual talking about your SA, makes him a creep as well as a blabber mouth. There's nothing more to discuss. It's great your dh doesn't want to see him. I can see why he might want to talk to his friends for his own support, but he chose badly.

This is beyond weird.

Why are any of them meeting with a man who asked you highly inappropriate sexual questions. I wouldn’t want to see him again!

I would not want a meeting consisting of my dh friends sitting around discussing my very private, personal trauma. They obviously want to save the friendship but the whole concept of a meeting is so weird and intrusive. I’d be so uncomfortable at the thought of them discussing it.

Your dh should never have told anyone else about this. He has created this issue and agreeing to any sort of intervention meeting is only going to add more fuel to the fire.

Im sorry for what you went through op. The whole lot of them sound fucking weird.

I'm so sorry for all you've been through, including the disgusting interrogatory behaviour of B.

I would not have him in your home and if DH's friends are uncomfortable because they want to remain friends with such a dickhead they would not be welcome either.

If you're in touch with your therapist have you had an opportunity to discuss with them? Or a rape counselling service.

They are all, including your DH, putting you in the position of passive little fragile woman with no agency. You are not 17 anymore, you are a grown, mature woman. You don't need 'looking after' and you certainly don't need anyone discussing your private business behind your back while you sit mutely at home.

Your dh absolutely doesn't have your back. He has sat there and discussed your private trauma with multiple friends of his.

They dont get to sit and discuss your trauma and decide that this fucking idiot is forgiven on your behalf either just so they can keep their group outings together.

Im so sorry this happened to you.

They don’t get to dictate and hold a discussion about your experience of Bs behaviour. Your husband has betrayed your trust by sharing with his friends and is now finding out that doing so is dangerous because you can never be sure of the maturity of your mates. B failed the maturity exam and looks like all his friends are likely to fail too because they are getting the exam question wrong. That’s your husbands doing though and the consequence of that may be that he becomes friendless. This isn’t about your husbands friendship with B but about how B treated you. The goal for the men should not be to salvage the friendship between the men but about how to best support you. And that sounds like to cast out B for his lack of maturity (at the ripe old age of 30+ if your age is a benchmark).

Exactly. He sounds like a complete pervert.

His mate is a massive weirdo with his lines of interrogation, but I’d be far more angry (and would struggle to forgive) my husband. What a betrayal on his part. Awful.

I am so sorry for what happened to you when you were 17.

I am also so shocked and sorry for what has just happened. B was disgusting and a mental rapist himself I believe.
He seems to have taken an abhorrent, prurient interest in your trauma. What a total creep of creeps.

This is absolutely horrible.

There is no way he wanted those answers for anything other than his own sexual gratification. I don't think your DH should meet him. Most certainly you shouldn't be there and most definitely not at your house!

I do feel betrayed by my husband too. He rang a friend afterwards and I heard him say 'wife saw B and you know what he chose to talk to her about?' and the friend went 'ohhhh god' and immediately KNEW it was the trauma. So I'm left wondering, what are they saying?? What do they know? And feeling exposed and weird.
It's all a bit shit.

They want to stage a f**king intervention to encourage your DH to restore his relationship with B because it’s convenient to them!. Seriously, WTF.
Your DH has made a decision to support you, (after the fall out from his poor decision to overshare your personal business) and they simply want to arrange their boys nights out without any awkwardness.
Your DH is a grown man and as such can befriend whoever he wants however others may feel about it.
I’m sorry OP.
B is a creepy pervert. No amount of men sittings round discussing it is going to make it ok. They don’t get to decide how you should feel.

Your DH had no right to disclose that to friends. I would be furious with him OP.

He does. No one involved in this horror show comes off well. The OP”s rape is not her DH’s information to share, certainly not as some kind of rationale to stop his misogynist friends making ‘poor taste jokes’. And as it happens one of the people he told turns out to be a pervert who gets off on imagining the rape, and the rest of this sorry gang think it’s fine to hold some kind of all-male summit about a crime the OP was a victim of, purely to ensure their ghastly get togethers aren’t disrupted by anything as pesky and trivial as rape.

I’m sorry this happened, OP. It’s a club with far too many of us as members. This isn’t something I could get past. My marriage to someone with such poor judgement and misogynistic friends would be over.

Ugh, B is absolutely disgusting. Your DH has your back, clearly. But also understandably doesn't want to lose his whole friendship group. In the context of why he told them, I think that's forgiveable personally. It doesn't sound like he went into detail, just that you were assaulted. I doubt it ever crossed your DH's mind that it would be weaponised in such an ugly way by someone he had known for 30 years.

Playing devil's advocate I don't think they are planning on meeting to discuss you or your trauma, but to discuss if they can salvage their relationship (or not) and if DH will presumably accept B's apology and how the group will move forward with whatever the new dynamic ends up being. Your trauma or what happened to you and how you've dealt with it since doesn't need to be part of the conversation. It may be that DH wants to hold the meeting so they stop bleating on about it and accept he won't be friends with B.

Perhaps the friends should all bring their partners so they can be questioned about their history of sexual trauma as well? And if the friends aren’t up for that maybe they should be thinking twice about talking about you, ever again.

Agree with the others that this man sounds like a pervert getting off on your abuse.

Please do not go to a meeting with your 'D'H and these awful friends. It's not going to do you any good at all

Also tell your husband how wrong he was for sharing this in the first place and how wrong he is in going to the meeting and that you don't consent to your personal information being discussed. If he chooses to go your problem is with him. I wouldn't want to see any of his awful friends again.

It's depressing that when his friends were making awful comments your husband couldn't just say don't do that I don't like that but brought your personal information into it. This sounds like something to work through in therapy

Ask the other wives how they feel about their husbands having a sit down to discuss the rape of one of their friends wives. Absolutely vile on every part but yours how the fuck do grown men think this is acceptable? B needs cutting off and if their friendship group suffers so be it, not your problem. Sorry this is happening to you this full thing sounds awful!

I'm so sorry, it's shocking. I'm absolutely aghast that all these men have behaved so insensitivity.

Of course they shouldn't have their little meeting to discuss you. How dare they. I wouldn't normally advocate for someone to forbid a partner to do something but I would in this case. I would forbid my partner to attend a meeting to discuss my private business or I would leave. It's a line that I wouldn't accept. I'm so angry for you.

I think your husband needs new friends.
He told them (and I'd be visiting that again) because they were making poor taste jokes. Which I'm going to take a wild guess weren't amusing at all and probably downright sleazy. And now one of them has been incredibly inappropriate with you. Now they want to discuss it!! FFS.