DH friends want to discuss me, I want to be there, AIBU (TW)

[Anon8761]

NC.

This may be outting but I don't really care at this stage. It's also late so forgive any typos and I'm sorry if I forget anything and end up drip feeding.

TW: Mentions past sexual assault.

Me and DH married 5 years together 9.
DH has a friend group who meet weekly for food or a particular hobby they all enjoy. DH met most of these friends in school, they've been friends 30 years.

I was out one evening at a social event. I saw one of these friends sat on his own. We were at a bar type place. I text DH and asked if I should invite him to join me and friends. DH said of course, he even said he was happy friend (B) was there as if I became anxious or anything, he'd have my back. Sort of 'B is one of my people.. he'll look after you!' mentality.

I have PTSD. I was spiked and raped at 17 by 2 men. So social situations in bars can be difficult at times.
I'm 33 now, but still struggle quite a bit with flashbacks and things. I've worked immensely hard with EMDR therapy to try and overcome my difficulties. So, with that in mind DH was happy B was there.

I invited B over and almost immediately he said he was surprised to see me there 'because of what happened to me (the rapes)'
I was shocked. I didn't even know he knew.

He then proceeded to tell me the whole 'inner circle knew'. That DH had told them all.
Worse still, he carried on discussing my trauma at the table, at the bar, he wouldn't stop digging.

He even asked if DH satisfied me in bed.
He asked if I enjoyed sex more before my trauma or after. (He was unaware the age I was raped. But regardless. It made me VERY uncomfortable).

The list goes on... And on..
He said 'sorry if this is making you uncomfortable' mid way through but then continued?? So I don't think he was actually sorry.

This was ALL within ear shot of my friends, whom don't know my trauma, because it's private. Ultimately he made my whole evening about the worst time of my life, ever. He made me feel it defined me again, when I've worked tirelessly.. to be me and recover.

I end up leaving the social. A few friends text me to see if I am ok after as said I looked uncomfortable.
I told DH.

DH was angry. Has told his other friends. DH wants to never see B again.
However, other friends in this stupid inner circle now want some sort of meeting with them and DH and B.
To discuss this.. issue. To 'work through it' because it will make life difficult with their meet ups.

DH said to one friend, 'but what if it was your wife? And I'd said this, you wouldn't want a discussion would you?' And he agreed but still is pushing this, 'discussion' 'incase the friendship is salvageable'.

DH still wants to cut B off, but is willing to discuss because his friends keep asking him to.
But I'm so hurt, B attended our wedding etc.. he was supposed to look out for me that night, but instead made me feel unsafe and uncomfortable.

And quite frankly, why are these men planning on sitting around to discuss this? I feel vulnerable enough now. I feel upset enough.

So, I said to DH, if they plan on discussing this, I want to be there. DH said 'but I do have your back on this.' but I've asked DH to instead invite them to our house and I will send DC to my mums, because.. I don't know, I want minimum an apology before I ask B to leave.

DH said his friends are likely worried I will make them uncomfortable. But AIBU? I don't like the idea of them sitting and discussing it, especially B.

Sorry I'm a bit heartbroken.
Thanks.

This is disgusting they all know and now insisting on some kind of meet up to discuss it. You absolutely should be there. The man in question deserves to be made to feel uncomfortable, and your DH is totally out of order.

OH MY GOD

I thought you said you were going to stop clogging up the thread. 😒 This is not about you!

@Anon8761 your husband is a bad man. He has formed a lifelong friendship with men who make rapey jokes. He is one of them. He only “allegedly” told them to stop making such jokes within your earshot. (Frankly I believe this is a lie.) Otherwise, he’s totally comfortable with that.

And now, he’s considering an intervention to salvage the friendship. They would choose perversion over discomfort. If his friends were decent, they would hold B accountable and all cut him off. But they’re not doing that because they already knew he was a perv and they’re okay with that. Men never rarely hold men accountable, and that is why abuse thrives and the male violence continues.

so sorry you had to go through that.

There should be no ‘meeting’. That is weird and gross.

There was also no need for your husband to divulge this. It is inexcusable.

OP was raped by two men. She is now contemplating having to sit with a group of men while they essentially discuss her rape? I can’t express how wrong and retraumatising this all is. The meeting should not happen.

And I don’t know how OP can trust her husband again. This just all feel so exposing. I am sorry OP. Hope you are ok x

There's something a bit pathetic about clinging onto school friends who stage interventions like this.
I dunno it all feels a bit public schoolboy.
I prefer my man to have friends hes actively made as an adult. Preferably ones who take rape seriously.

This would be a dealbreaker in my relationship

I don't think you or your husband should meet with them, there's nothing to say because B behaved awfully towards you and your husband also betrayed your trust by telling them all as though its entertainment or gossip

Your DH screwed up when telling them.

B is an idiot.

The meeting isn't about you. The meeting is about how to make sure you and your feelings won't inconvenicence their group. It's about gaslighting your DH to just accept an apology or something like that.
If you feel up to it, making them feel a bit uncomfortable sounds fair enough to me.

No "discussion" can make what B did any better or more excusable. I don’t think you should go through the trauma of such a meeting, where presumably B will try to defend himself, or others will try to defend him, and I don’t think your DH should agree to go to any such meeting, regardless of what his friends want.

I can see, though, that it’s a good idea for the other friends to know exactly how vile B's questions were, but there’s no "discussion" to be had. Your DH should refuse to ever be in B's company again.

I’m so sorry. This is not your mess. I’d be furious with your DH if I were you. How dare he tell anyone without your permission. This B person had grossly overstepped, in fact, downright trodden on your privacy. I’m just so sorry this has all been brought up and put back on you.

What the actual fuck. So many things wrong with this.

Another example of men fucking disregarding the actual lived trauma of women. As if your viewpoint and feelings about it aren’t relevant.

If you don’t want them discussing it, they shouldn’t be discussing it. End of. If you decide that it’s ok it should absolutely be on your terms. I don’t even really know what to say about the comment of the risk of the men feeling uncomfortable. WTAF.

Obviously your husband’s disloyalty is another issue. But hopefully he will have your back now.

sorry you are going through this OP.

Show your DH this thread. If he doesn't already understand why he hasn't had your back and you need him to step up and protect you now then after reading it he might.

Have the meeting but be well prepared.
Know what your boundary is for the outcome.
Also make sure that DH knows your ideal outcome.
Consider what will make you most comfortable for the next ten years of friendship with these people.

For example ..

You need B to apologise.
If B can not understand that his communication was intrusive, you don't want to see him again. (Does B have a frontal lobe head injury? Soccer player, car accident etc?)

You need DH to apologise and to keep more things private.

You need all to never make jokes that good men and women would appose. And you would like them to have learnt something - that they can call out others when they see or hear bad behaviour or jokes.

You want no more discussion about your personal encounter, when you are in attendance and when you are not.

You would like to see strong leadership against violence to women from people with whom you associate.

You want inclusive, supportive and fun friendships with them all.

If you want them at your own home, then that is best. You do what YOU feel is best.

You’ve got a massive dh problem. He’s totally betrayed your trust.

Sounds like your DH has some revolting friends and that your DH clearly knows this as he asked them to tone down their usual 'banter' while in your home because he was concerned you'd discover exactly what kind of men he spends time with.

Knowing this your husband still decided to share your intimate life with them.

Your husband has now been caught out and he's trying to distance himself from his friends by dropping the one who verbally traumatised you at the bar.

But that friend is not the only one in the group with that kind of attitude towards women. The other friends aren't appalled - they just want to smooth things over so their lives can go on as normal.

The only conclusion I can come to is your husband behaves very differently with his mates.

I'm so sorry. You don't deserve any of this. Instead of making yourself even more vulnerable in front of these men can you instead have a gatherings of close female friends around or ask your husband to pay for you - and whoever's company you prefer - to go and stay somewhere else for a few days.

This. A man decides to exploit OP using knowledge gained from OP’s husband. It was very weird and very inappropriate. OP’s husband doesn’t want to continue friendship. It has nothing to do with DH friends. OP should not be doing anything. OP should not engage with a group of men discussing her. It is not her problem to solve. No one can change DH friend’s ingrained attitude.

I'm so sorry for what happened to you when you were younger and for this massive betrayal. Your husband should never have told them, he had no right to sit with a group and dicuss you. I would not entertain any further discussion and I wouldn't be able to forgive my husband either. You have worked so hard on yourself, do not settle for less than your worth, you are worth so much more 💕

I’m sorry this happened OP.
In your situation I wouldn’t meet with them. But I would be sending them a long group message stating what happened and all the ways it’s unacceptable and why, and why it would be additionally inappropriate for them all to sit and discuss it. And your DH should state that as a result he won’t be seeing B, or anyone that is an apologist for B, going forwards.
I wouldn’t want to sit with any of them. But I would want to get these points across before cutting them out. If your DH can’t go along with that then there a wider issue there.

I find it really bizarre that your DH has told his friends of your trauma and even more bizarre that his friends are discussing you at length. What was your DH doing when his friend was grilling you? Did he not say anything to shut the friend up?

OP this is shocking. Your DH discussed your rape? If that's true he's an absolute gobshite.

My husband would not be talking to anyone even our medically qualified friends ( and yes I was raped at 16 and I'm a CSA survivor).
These men should not be welcomed into your home. What the fuck? This is private business and you are not there for their entertainment. Perhaps they're a bunch of pervs.
Your husband owes you an apology. His friends are not your friends. It's disgusting.
Personally I'd be looking at changing husbands to one that likes you.

This ‘inner circle’ of friends is disturbing tbh and I think all should break free from it. With a small allowance for how they may have been as kids, 30 years ago, it has continued, or developed, and consolidated along highly toxic Tate view levels of women. I recently watched Lord of the Flies BBC adaptation - reminding me of the themes of primitive savagery when unchecked by society - I find this similar in a way tbh - small group of guys with no concern within that group of societal norms of any respect for women as human beings - potentially devastating consequences ultimately- and you have been on the receiving end of some already sadly.

It is obviously too difficult now to maintain these Tate views within the ‘circle’ and stuff naturally falls out of it - firstly the ridiculous lengths your husband had to take to stop rapey jokes in your own home. This with B is incredible levels of going outside norms - maybe he feels as part of the ‘circle’ he has as much interest/right to know as your husband - which is equally disturbing. However, I think he’s probably just the one that said it out loud to you and it’s been a theme of their discussions before - if not personally about you - the other friend was a bit fast to know exactly what B had been saying imo - it was never put to the back of their minds as something awful that happened to their friend’s wife.

I guess you obviously see a completely different man in your husband - this is such a mindfuck for you this difference - let alone the subject matter that has caused it.

I’d like to think I’d draw a hard line on my partner being part of this group particularly as they all want B excuses it seems. I know it’s not that easy always but take your time to decide. Sadly, I don’t think you’ll achieve what you would want to achieve by attending / I think they’re too far down this road to ever understand the points you might make, though they’d give lip service perhaps. Be very, very sure you’d feel better for it, if you decide to attend.

Be kind to yourself OP 💐

Op, so sorry. Before anything happens I suggest you speak with a counsellor and process this. I think being in a room of defensive men could be very difficult for you and I don't think your DH has the necessary skills to process this.

Your DH is allowed to cut off a friend and it's immature of the others to try and put the group above all in life. There is clearly something wrong with B and I would be wondering what he gets up to privately

If B was a decent a person he would be mortified he upset you. I think the discussion however feels wrong, surely the group recognise that people change and not all behaviour should be tolerated? The purpose of the discussion is to make your DH (and you if you attend) feel in the wrong for blanking B.

Morning all, sorry I have yet to read all comments.. thank you for the support. I asked DH this morning how a certain friend knew who wasn't even at the our house when he supposedly told them. He initially lied and said he just told them recently because of B but then said no, he'd told him a while ago.

He then said he'd told for support for him, but got defensive when I asked when/why didn't he tell me he was struggling for example, why didn't he come to me and see how I felt about this being discussed. He's gone to work now.

So far 7 people know. Whom I didn't disclose to. DH says he doesn't want an argument but I don't want an argument. I just feel betrayed. And not for my trauma become this news topic!? Because as PP said this thing with B has happened because he was told, at least if I'd known this I wouldn't have been so shell shocked at the social.

I will go back and read replies now.

I genuinely thought DH had my back but I'm questioning that now because, turns out 7 of these friends including a friend who lives 1.5 hours away from us know.

I'm not ashamed of what happened to me, but I do think it's mine to decide who to tell and what to tell.

I’m so sorry op. You’ve been through so much and your husband has betrayed you in the most awful way. He didn’t need to tell his friends about your trauma. He could have just told them to stop talking in a derogatory way or said it hits close to home to him because a loved one went through something terrible. He never ever had to mention you and he should be very ashamed of himself. It’s not something I could get past.

your husbands friend gives off such bad vibes. He enjoyed making you uncomfortable trust me. I would want to be in that “meeting” and I’d want all their partners there too. So they could witness me ripping them all, including husband, a new arse!.

I hope you’re doing okay op. I can imagine how you’re feeling right now. I send you my best wishes and a hug x

I would have thought the meeting should simply discuss how to handle discretion and trust in future amongst the group rather than discuss your situation and any attempts in that should be calmly pushed back on by your husband, I din’t see a need for you to join although I can appreciate your concerns. Person B seems vile and manipulative and I’d have thought the group should indeed reduce contact with him and definitely your husband seems to want this too. The initial decision on how much was shared with others was yours to make, and the action sat with your husband as to not sharing if he didn’t have your consent. He cannot however turn that back now but he was wrong even if well meaning - he needs to come out from this very clear on that front,

There not discussing you and what happened to you
there trying to finding away forward for there friendship group