DH friends want to discuss me, I want to be there, AIBU (TW)

[Anon8761]

NC.

This may be outting but I don't really care at this stage. It's also late so forgive any typos and I'm sorry if I forget anything and end up drip feeding.

TW: Mentions past sexual assault.

Me and DH married 5 years together 9.
DH has a friend group who meet weekly for food or a particular hobby they all enjoy. DH met most of these friends in school, they've been friends 30 years.

I was out one evening at a social event. I saw one of these friends sat on his own. We were at a bar type place. I text DH and asked if I should invite him to join me and friends. DH said of course, he even said he was happy friend (B) was there as if I became anxious or anything, he'd have my back. Sort of 'B is one of my people.. he'll look after you!' mentality.

I have PTSD. I was spiked and raped at 17 by 2 men. So social situations in bars can be difficult at times.
I'm 33 now, but still struggle quite a bit with flashbacks and things. I've worked immensely hard with EMDR therapy to try and overcome my difficulties. So, with that in mind DH was happy B was there.

I invited B over and almost immediately he said he was surprised to see me there 'because of what happened to me (the rapes)'
I was shocked. I didn't even know he knew.

He then proceeded to tell me the whole 'inner circle knew'. That DH had told them all.
Worse still, he carried on discussing my trauma at the table, at the bar, he wouldn't stop digging.

He even asked if DH satisfied me in bed.
He asked if I enjoyed sex more before my trauma or after. (He was unaware the age I was raped. But regardless. It made me VERY uncomfortable).

The list goes on... And on..
He said 'sorry if this is making you uncomfortable' mid way through but then continued?? So I don't think he was actually sorry.

This was ALL within ear shot of my friends, whom don't know my trauma, because it's private. Ultimately he made my whole evening about the worst time of my life, ever. He made me feel it defined me again, when I've worked tirelessly.. to be me and recover.

I end up leaving the social. A few friends text me to see if I am ok after as said I looked uncomfortable.
I told DH.

DH was angry. Has told his other friends. DH wants to never see B again.
However, other friends in this stupid inner circle now want some sort of meeting with them and DH and B.
To discuss this.. issue. To 'work through it' because it will make life difficult with their meet ups.

DH said to one friend, 'but what if it was your wife? And I'd said this, you wouldn't want a discussion would you?' And he agreed but still is pushing this, 'discussion' 'incase the friendship is salvageable'.

DH still wants to cut B off, but is willing to discuss because his friends keep asking him to.
But I'm so hurt, B attended our wedding etc.. he was supposed to look out for me that night, but instead made me feel unsafe and uncomfortable.

And quite frankly, why are these men planning on sitting around to discuss this? I feel vulnerable enough now. I feel upset enough.

So, I said to DH, if they plan on discussing this, I want to be there. DH said 'but I do have your back on this.' but I've asked DH to instead invite them to our house and I will send DC to my mums, because.. I don't know, I want minimum an apology before I ask B to leave.

DH said his friends are likely worried I will make them uncomfortable. But AIBU? I don't like the idea of them sitting and discussing it, especially B.

Sorry I'm a bit heartbroken.
Thanks.

Your husband refusing to leave and denying the reality that things aren't fine is him trying to undermine you. That was a whole lot of DARVO trying to get you to doubt yourself.

I agree with @Wherethedogsits about going to individual therapy.

And do you have family or friends that you can use to support you now?

I have a slightly different view on this to a lot of PP. I am only commenting in case a different perspective is helpful.

I have been raped and sexually assaulted (different men). I also have medical conditions.

To the best of my knowledge, DP has never shared that information so I sat and thought about how that would feel if he had. And I think I would feel humiliated that they’d all been talking me. And I’d feel even more humiliated to have been unaware that they had that knowledge about me. That information isn’t for my DP to share. It’s my life and my decision whether to tell people.

But, if my DP had shared the information in good faith, for what he believed were the right reasons, I’d forgive him. The reason your DH gave to his boss sounds reasonable. The reaction you overheard from his friend in the phone suggests that your DP didn’t make light of it. He has explained why he told his circle of friends. I also get why it might be important for your MIL to know (assuming you all get on well).

However, I’m going to contrast this to my DM.

She likes to use other people’s misfortunes to get attention for herself. For example, my DC are autistic (as am I) and she likes to tell everyone at the first opportunity - and I do mean at the first opportunity. She uses hushed tones and likes to explain how it means that she can’t be a proper grandmother to them but it’s ok. At this point she plasters on her brave smile.

DM does not know I was raped. DM does not get told any sensitive or secret stuff because she will absolutely use it as currency to make other people feel sorry for her. It’s infuriating.

So in your shoes OP, I’d think very hard about what your DH is like. That is a LOT of people he’s told. Do you think he genuinely told them in good faith to make sure no one made a clumsy comment around you? Or do you think he told them either as gossip or because he wanted them to feel sorry for him? For me, the why would make the difference on whether I forgave him or not. I’d be angry either way but I’d forgive the former - but not the latter.

But none of us are you, and however you feel is valid. These were your personal secrets and whatever his intent was, he didn’t have the right to share them without your knowledge.

On a separate note it sounds as if there’s some resentment on his part that he’s carrying the full responsibility of earning. I think you’re right re counselling - if you decide you want to continue your marriage, you both need counselling. If he refuses to go, that shows how committed he is to saving your marriage…

Finally OP, I just wanted to say that you’ve dealt with all of this with real dignity. Confronting B and the rest of them in the group chat and holding your head high is magnificent. Silly little boy has limped away with his tail between his legs. You may not feel like it right now, but you are incredibly strong.

The reason your DH gave to his boss sounds reasonable. The reaction you overheard from his friend in the phone suggests that your DP didn’t make light of it. He has explained why he told his circle of friends. I also get why it might be important for your MIL to know (assuming you all get on well).

As we've just had Wimbledon - you cannot be serious?

I'm not sure what your mother has to do with this, or why you think OP's husband is any different to your mother. He sounds remarkably similar to me. I'm really sorry for what you've been through

He has a knight in chaining armour complex that’s released he really is just a tosser in tinfoil.

A what you ordered vs what you got situation. A temu husband.

The earnings comments mean he has likely told some other people as a means of explaining why you don't work.

@bigboykitty

My mother has nothing to do with this - but the type of person she is does.

As I said, I’d be mortified and angry either way.

But, if my DP shared my history in good faith, genuinely believing that he was protecting me, I’d be able to forgive him. I’d still be angry, as I indicated, but it would potentially be retrievable.

If my DP shared my personal information to gain some kind of advantage for himself - maybe attention, for people to feel sorry for him, status etc - then I’d never forgive him.

I used my mother to illustrate the point that for me at least, intent matters. And because of my experience with my mother, I’m aware that there are many possible reasons why OP’s husband might have shared her information. As I said, none of it is ok - but the underlying reason would dictate whether I could forgive him or not.

(ps - thank you)

He's actually admitted he's used your trauma to be a slacker at work!
You don't need his permission to file for divorce.

You certainly aren't a team.

He is a prize twat.

I divorced my dh for less.

I think many posters, myself included, feel her husband shared OP's private information in extremely bad faith, especially given how far and widely he shared it, and how he has been forced to reluctantly cough up the information. But ultimately that it what the OP has to decide. Does she believe her H had benign reasons for sharing. He is coming off as fundamentally quite dishonest. OP has a lot to consider.

But, if my DP shared my history in good faith, genuinely believing that he was protecting me, I’d be able to forgive him. I’d still be angry, as I indicated, but it would potentially be retrievable.

I'm frequently amazed at the low bar some women set for their men. You'd be willing to forgive your husband treating you as if you were a very small child. What has been disclosed would be unacceptable for a parent to make about a Gillick competent child, far less an independent adult.

this is not about "the group" this is about a man who has gaslit and abused his wife.

I think it's amazing and wonderful that you have been able to stand up for yourself, OP - to send the message on the group chat and to confront your husband about his appalling behaviour.

It seems your husband, having already massively betrayed your trust, is now attempting to weaponise your trauma and use it against you. When you confronted him about telling all and sundry behind your back he could have been contrite, apologised to you genuinely, shown some remorse. Instead he appears to have doubled down on behaving like a dick (maybe he just is a dick?).

Did you get together with him when you were still very vulnerable? I am suspicious that he has enjoyed the perceived power imbalance within your relationship and is going to show a different (truer) side to himself now that you've caught him out.

I am sorry about your history but setting aside telling his boss which was wrong without getting her permission to do so, if a man shares that kind of information with a group of his male friends, he is either a moron or an abuser.

As you’re quoting me, I’ll respond.

It’s not a “low bar”. It might be where you draw your red line and that’s fine, but to suggest other women are making inferior judgements is pretty rude, tbh.

Humans are imperfect. If someone makes a poor decision but genuinely believed they were doing the right thing, I would be inclined to give them another chance.

As I said above, intent matters. As does the overall picture.

If this was the final straw in a marriage where a man was consistently disregarding my wishes or being unsupportive, then he’d be gone.

But if he was generally kind, loving, and supportive but thought that he was protecting me by making sure everyone around me knew so they could look out for me, then yes, I’d forgive him. I’d be bloody angry but a mistake made in good faith in a marriage where I was otherwise respected and loved, is retrievable.

We don’t have to agree on this.

OP literally said he told this group of friends without her consent. She's said multiple times she feels exposed.

He told her he did it to get group support for him.

There's the intent right there and hell no. His motivation in sharing her private trauma was selfish.

So I agree this is a horribly low bar.

I'm so sorry but your husband is very wrong. Your marriage is not fine. You have done absolutely nothing wrong except to trust him when he isn't trustworthy. He has broken your confidence on numerous occasions for reasons that aren't entirely clear. He is weaponising your trauma now to get himself off the hook. You are a SAHM to your joint children which allows him to concentrate on his career without having to juggle anything as you are keep things going at home yet he is throwing the fact that you are in paid employment in your face.

I think that there is something very wrong with your husband. I'd hate to think that he is titillated by your sexual assault in some way, but I can't think of any other reason why he would talk about it to all and sundry, including his male friends, his mum and his boss. None of them needed to know and certainly not without your permission.

I did in a way, I had just recovered from anorexia. I'd been at a healthy weight for only a year prior to meeting him.

As for PP saying it was for potentially good reason. Him telling others.
Maybe, but ultimately I don't care for his reasons. He wouldn't be so unbelievably defensive about the whole thing if he genuinely thought it was a mistake.

I will make another thread in relationships. Thanks all

"We don’t have to agree on this."

oh that's a relief

I was just coming here to disagree with you - but then I saw your comment about him telling others because he needed support.

I did read all of OP’s comments but I missed the paragraph where he said he told his friends for support.

And you’re completely right, that does change everything. Apologies, I missed that on the first read through.

You don’t tell a wide circle of friends to get support.

I still maintain that we shouldn’t be telling other women where they should draw their line, but for me, those two sentences would change everything as his intent was to make it all about him.

I’m happy you’re happy.

OP there's not much I can add to what's already been said on here, but just wanted to say you actually sound really brave dealing so far with all these horrible events.
You must be in a complete whirl, and probably need time to think and to assess as its all happened so quickly. I hope you can access some RL counsellin or support. Wishing you all the very best to get through this x

That he’s not willing to go to marriage counselling tells you all you need to know. He’s not bothered about helping you and your trauma. Moving together as a team. He’s not sorry for blabbing about it and making your trauma all about him. He likes the idea of you being dependent on him, of him being a hero for “taking you on”/“saving you”. I’m so sorry.

This man B is not a friend. He is an abuser himself and a particularly nasty and disgusting one, he is clearly getting off on the details of your trauma.
Utterly abhorrent. I could not have anything to do with him again, ever.
And I would think far less of any partner who kept being friends with him unless there was a full and sincere apology to you.

Not RTFT but wtf, B is a creep and I’d wonder what sort of porn he watches because I’d worry he’s questioning in that much detail for his wank bank.

They should all feel uncomfortable

OP. The correct response to the jokes in poor taste would have been to ask them to leave, not to disclose your trauma. He’s totally out of order and he’s compounded that by not even telling you they know.

B had absolutely no right to start this conversation - even if he was a trained therapist. And no trained therapist would ask if your DH satisfies you in bed - that’s abusive. And the idea of them all getting together to discuss whether the friendship is salvageable after what he did is unconscionable. This is your trauma. It wasn’t your DH’s to share, no matter what the intention was behind it, and it’s certainly not acceptable for them to get together to discuss you as though you’re some abstract concept.

I’m sorry but this would be marriage ending for me. At best it’s stupidity, and at worst it’s complete disregard for your feeling so that his friendships aren’t affected.