DH friends want to discuss me, I want to be there, AIBU (TW)

[Anon8761]

NC.

This may be outting but I don't really care at this stage. It's also late so forgive any typos and I'm sorry if I forget anything and end up drip feeding.

TW: Mentions past sexual assault.

Me and DH married 5 years together 9.
DH has a friend group who meet weekly for food or a particular hobby they all enjoy. DH met most of these friends in school, they've been friends 30 years.

I was out one evening at a social event. I saw one of these friends sat on his own. We were at a bar type place. I text DH and asked if I should invite him to join me and friends. DH said of course, he even said he was happy friend (B) was there as if I became anxious or anything, he'd have my back. Sort of 'B is one of my people.. he'll look after you!' mentality.

I have PTSD. I was spiked and raped at 17 by 2 men. So social situations in bars can be difficult at times.
I'm 33 now, but still struggle quite a bit with flashbacks and things. I've worked immensely hard with EMDR therapy to try and overcome my difficulties. So, with that in mind DH was happy B was there.

I invited B over and almost immediately he said he was surprised to see me there 'because of what happened to me (the rapes)'
I was shocked. I didn't even know he knew.

He then proceeded to tell me the whole 'inner circle knew'. That DH had told them all.
Worse still, he carried on discussing my trauma at the table, at the bar, he wouldn't stop digging.

He even asked if DH satisfied me in bed.
He asked if I enjoyed sex more before my trauma or after. (He was unaware the age I was raped. But regardless. It made me VERY uncomfortable).

The list goes on... And on..
He said 'sorry if this is making you uncomfortable' mid way through but then continued?? So I don't think he was actually sorry.

This was ALL within ear shot of my friends, whom don't know my trauma, because it's private. Ultimately he made my whole evening about the worst time of my life, ever. He made me feel it defined me again, when I've worked tirelessly.. to be me and recover.

I end up leaving the social. A few friends text me to see if I am ok after as said I looked uncomfortable.
I told DH.

DH was angry. Has told his other friends. DH wants to never see B again.
However, other friends in this stupid inner circle now want some sort of meeting with them and DH and B.
To discuss this.. issue. To 'work through it' because it will make life difficult with their meet ups.

DH said to one friend, 'but what if it was your wife? And I'd said this, you wouldn't want a discussion would you?' And he agreed but still is pushing this, 'discussion' 'incase the friendship is salvageable'.

DH still wants to cut B off, but is willing to discuss because his friends keep asking him to.
But I'm so hurt, B attended our wedding etc.. he was supposed to look out for me that night, but instead made me feel unsafe and uncomfortable.

And quite frankly, why are these men planning on sitting around to discuss this? I feel vulnerable enough now. I feel upset enough.

So, I said to DH, if they plan on discussing this, I want to be there. DH said 'but I do have your back on this.' but I've asked DH to instead invite them to our house and I will send DC to my mums, because.. I don't know, I want minimum an apology before I ask B to leave.

DH said his friends are likely worried I will make them uncomfortable. But AIBU? I don't like the idea of them sitting and discussing it, especially B.

Sorry I'm a bit heartbroken.
Thanks.

To be honest I'd chuck your DH out. He doesn't have your back.
Don't have his friends in your home.

B is slimy and voyeuristic. He was WAY out of line. DH told them initially to protect you so they wouldn’t make inappropriate jokes. They don’t need to be having a discussion about you. Any discussion should be about them. DH should talk to his friends about B’s unacceptable behaviour. And that it was beyond disrespectful and will not be tolerated. B must sincerely apologize. No excuses. If B doesn’t understand what he did wrong and why, he is NOT a friend. Same for the others if they thought that was okay. Advocate for yourself. God bless.

This is one of the worse things I’ve seen on here , I’m so sorry you have experienced any of this , your DH friend sounds vile .. hold your boundaries OP . And I’m sending you a hug 🤗 because I think you deserve one x

Yes, it’s very clear that the horrific crime perpetrated on the OP is only (1) something to perve over and (2) a minor inconvenience to their future meetings.

B is a potential rapist that's why he was so interested. He was thrilled by the details. Have nothing whatsoever to do with him.

His questioning was also abusive. No man can sit there in public asking a woman who is his friend’s wife it only about her past trauma but also her private sex life now with her husband. He did it as a form of doing whatever he wanted with you ( with words) and showing you no respect.

Do not accept any apology. There is no way back for him. He is disgusting.

Thus is not just ‘immaturity’. He is no good.

I wouldn’t have B under my roof. I wouldn’t have his defenders there either. And I’d be making it extremely clear that DH has an awful lot of making up to do before you’ll even consider forgiving him for his betrayal and he can start by never seeing B again and telling the others they can fuck off trying to “fix” anything. Who the fuck do they think they are? Who do their wives think they are? There are so very many revolting shameful men in this sorry story, it’s appalling. I’m so sorry for everything you’ve been through 💐

This is absolutely disgusting. I’m so sorry, @Anon8761 and angry on your behalf.

No, this man does not get to do what he did to you and get away with it.

No, they don’t get to have their meet up and discuss this situation.

No, you must not be made to feel like you should be there because it’s the only option slightly less appalling to you than not being there.

There is so much wrong with this situation that I hardly know where to start but your husband needs to continue down the path of absolutely shutting this down and not agreeing to engage with the ‘friend’. His behaviour has been absolutely appalling.

If anyone asks your husband why he won’t attend the meet-up or discuss it further, he can use these three simple words:

It isn’t appropriate.

I have serious concerns about B. Did he seem to be enjoying the conversation or at least enjoying making you feel uncomfortable?

@Anon8761, I’m so sorry this all happened to you. B needs to be ousted by the whole group for his behaviour. Your husband needs to distance himself from the group because clearly they’re minimisers and enablers. To be honest, whilst he seems angry on your behalf, your husband doesn’t want to ditch the friends that were making inappropriate jokes?! The ones who want to keep B as a friend?

Not all men but always a man!

It's simple...these men are rallying to protect a sexual pervert, a pathetic voyeur of someone's trauma...they are identifying with him. They are saying he is one of them

Your husband needs to keep better company. Warning his friends not to make rapey
jokes in earshot of his once-raped wife? They’re fucking disgusting. So sorry op.

There's so much wrong here I don't know where to begin. Your husband doesnt have your back on anything at all; I can't believe either of you are seriously considering going along with the "discussion". H needs to ditch the entire group and beg your forgiveness, how dare he disclose that you were raped to a bunch of drinking pals. I couldn't get past this.

I'm sorry op. I'm not sure how to rebuild trust with your husband. What else has he told them.

I'm sorry this happened to you and that you're having to deal with men raking it up after all these years, especially a pervert such as B. Personally, I think your DH was wrong to tell them. He could have just asked them to stop making jokes in bad taste.

I also think your DH is wrong to meet his friends to discuss it, especially B. The only appropriate course of action for your DH is to cut B off for good and tell the others that it's not up for discussion. And it's your choice whether to have these men in your house, but personally, I wouldn't want any of them there.

I would feel murderous. B is such an asshole but why the hell did your husband share your secrets with these pigs, all of them, any of them?? They are all dreadful.

I would not go to the meeting, there is no apology that will make what he did right.

His 'friend' is a pervert and a nasty piece of work. There is no salvaging that friendship.

His other friends are also arseholes for even thinking that it should be salvaged because 'it will make life difficult with their meet ups'.

Your DH is being unreasonable to even discuss this with them/B.

I wouldn't go to the meeting, but if DH attends and doesn't tell them where to go/is swayed in any way to salvage the friendship then you need to consider whether he should be your DH.

The issue here is that your DH betrayed your confidence and trust.

If it were me I would never be able to trust him again if he chooses to put his need to maintain a friendship with the group and make it easier for them over his relationship with you.

I hope your DH now realises that he should not have told them. He's used your trauma as a 'reason' why they shouldn't make poor taste comments, as if there had to be a justification that was serious enough, rather than just requiring them to behave like decent human beings in your home. Which any parter deserves, not just one who has had something very horrible happen to them!
No, they don't get to discuss his behaviour to you behind your back if you don't want that to happen.

What's B going to say? He didn't mean it "like that"? You've taken it the wrong way?
Seriously, is there any explanation that would be acceptable?

But if you're not a witness, they get to persuade /peer pressure your husband into giving him another chance, quite likely without even fully acknowledging how bad it was.

Yes, they'll feel uncomfortable if you are there. Good, they should!

This conversation shouldn't happen at all

your DH just needs to ditch B and tell his friendship group that is that

it is your DH's fault for telling them (what in the name of god was he thinking?) so if this makes things awkward for him, or they push him out that is his fault

this guy sounds appalling but all of this is on your DP, I would really struggle to forgive this

I’m maybe going to go a bit against the grain here, and say that, while I appreciate that what happened was traumatic and awful, maybe you don’t have to see it as such a humiliating private thing to discuss.

Now, I’m not saying that what B did at the bar was ok, AT ALL. But, going forward with the other friends - you have nothing to be ashamed of. What happened is not a reflection on you and it does not define you.

Choosing to talk about one’s grief is personal (if say, you were bereaved) you wouldn’t necessarily want to talk about all the details and you shouldn’t feel pressured into a conversation you don’t want to have by someone who’s overly interested in the morbid details. But that doesn’t mean you have any reason to feel personally ashamed of the pain or the experience.

I don’t know if your DH was young when he told them, of you’ve been together 9 years it’s possible he told them early on and didn’t really know how to make them understand how serious he was that he didn’t want them making certain jokes. So I’d forgive him.

I don’t get why your DH’s friends can’t accept that he doesn’t want to be friends with B or why they need to discuss anything. But if you want to be part of that conversation and you want an apology fair enough. 💐

You poor thing
this is horrendous

I’d leave him for me there would be no return from this - I’m so sorry for what he’s put you thru xx

It's not about being ashamed, it's about being violated. Trust and privacy.

What would the guy do? Apologise for getting off on details of your trauma? It won't happen. He isn't going to give a sincere apology, it would be too incriminating. At best he will say he's sorry it made you uncomfortable - and that only because he must regret complicating his friendship group

It’s bros before hoes. They’ll never see you as a person who deserves care and respect and dignity. They just want their wee boy band to stick together.
fuck them.

I agree with the comments that your DH needs new friends. It’s telling that they were making jokes that he needed to stop them from making under the circumstances. And it’s telling that they don’t want to just cut B off too.

I’m so sorry this happened.

B’s behaviour towards you was disturbing.

DH should refuse to discuss you or what happened to you any further.

He should tell them he didn’t have your permission to disclose in the first place and absolutely won’t be discussing this any further, as it’s not his place to.

Rather than share what happened to you, he should have distanced from him/them earlier, when he saw their misogynistic attitudes. He could also have challenged them without bringing you into it.

I do get that, I just think, after all the work the Op has done, it’s important to remember that she has no reason to feel ashamed. That, even though you might not want people to know (which is fair enough) she doesn’t need to feel embarrassed or humiliated. She has done nothing wrong.