AIBU to move in with my mum and raise the baby alone?

[BeQuirkyReader]

Hi everyone,

First time poster, long time lurker. I am sorry, this will be a long one. I have put paragraphs in :)

I have been in a relationship with a 46 year old man for three years. I am in my mid 30s. So as not to drip feed, we are both only children who have both felt the pressure of parents who want grandchildren. Neither of us have children. We currently do not live together, although it was expected (by him) that I would move into his flat which is approximately 45 mins from my flat.

We decided to go through IVF after struggling to conceive. He insinuated for a long time that I was the issue here (e.g. calling me a ‘Jaffa’ as a ‘joke’), and it later transpired that he has a low sperm count. He is self employed and works from home all the time.

I fell pregnant on the first IVF cycle and am 10 weeks pregnant , which I am eternally thankful for. However, these are the issues I am having with my partner:

• His two bed flat is a complete state and dirty and there is nowhere for me to store any of my things or baby’s things. He uses the spare room as his office and it’s floor to ceiling with stuff. He tells me he will get around to sorting it all, and hasn’t. He blames this on ADHD but will not take medication or see a doctor.
• He frequently becomes overwhelmed with anxiety and has to go and stay with his parents, who I feel, indulge him. I cannot talk about anything that may cause him stress or is difficult to discuss.
• He seems to lack in ambition and organisation and will admit to either not doing any work all day or will lie in bed most of the day (which I have seen).
• He constantly says he has no money and makes suggestions that seem as though I will need to prop us up financially. He does not offer to help pay towards private scans or the medication I needed post IVF.
• Says he will not change nappies or attend a parenting course with me and his mum has backed him, saying ‘she just got on with it and his father never did it.’
• Struggles to make decisions and defers to me most of the time. He also lives in the far future and says I should be excited about us buying a house, which may be years away. He will not focus on the here and now situation with his flat.
• Wants continued sympathy and support for his anxiety, although won’t see a doctor, but says the anxiety is ‘not his fault’ and the state of his flat is ‘not his fault’. I do not currently live with him.
• Huffs off whenever I begin discussing anything that may be uncomfortable with him (the state of the flat, his oven is broken, his snoring) and says I have ‘ruined the day’.

I think I know what the answer is here, but my mum has asked me to move back in with her to have the baby, where they can have their own room and nursery. I am so grateful to have fallen pregnant and I saw them moving via a private scan yesterday. Today, it was like a lightbulb moment and I realised they can’t begin their life like this.

I am aware that I should have considered all this before falling pregnant, but he did not announce his issues at the start, and assured me that he would sort his flat out.

I would like to understand if I’m making the right or wrong decision for my baby in starting their life as a lone parent due to the above points (and more).

Congratulations on the pregnancy.

I genuinely do not understand why women choose to get pregnant by useless men and then are surprised that useless men make useless dads!

OP my DH has ADHD. He is a lovely person a great co-parent and he gets round to things, because he wants to live in a clean house, have a working bike etc. Your childs father on the other hand is hiding the fact he is spoiled , lazy and unable to take responsibility, behind a medical excuse.

Im not sure that his dps weren't a bit too nice to him growing up 🤨. So there is no reason whatsoever to think your dc, brought up by two fabulous clear-sighted women, will be anything like their bio dad

I think it's been absolute idiocy having a child with a man you don't even live with. But we are where we are.

I think it’s great that your mum is being supportive. You will be much better off living with her initially. It sounds like, unfortunately your partner has shown you who he really is, and if you live with him it will be like having 2 children.. but worse. He will undoubtedly get worse when the baby arrives. Of course you can do this by yourself.

I can’t believe anyone would suggest a termination to a pregnant woman. That’s beyond the pale. OP, I’m sorry you’ve had that directed at you. Sending you love and positivity to try to counteract the abuse. Xx

He is not a suitable father or partner. You have fucked up and you know it. Assuming it was your fault when you struggled to conceive and then mocking you?

Without wishing to be harsh, things may have got worse but there is no way you knew this man for 3 years and thought he was a suitable potential father. Glad you have finally woken up. Cut your losses and move back to mum.

Personally I wouldn’t move in with my mum or move in with this man. I would seriously consider a termination as this entire situation is a massive mistake and you will pay for it for the next 18 years. And if anything were to happen to you, this much loved and wanted child will end up living with this man full time. I couldn’t do that to a child. But of course that’s a super personal decision and is yours to make.

So if that is off the table I would stay in my own flat with my own things and my own life. I wouldn’t want my mother to co parent with me. If you have the money, you can sell your flat and get a slightly larger one. For me, moving in with my mum would be the second last resort - moving in with this man would be the worst possible outcome. But I can’t see anywhere why you’d discount living on your own from your list.

Sorry OP but you did know this man for three years. You knew what his issues were. Self employed, untidy home, anxiety. Lack of money. Three years you could not have failed to notice.
And both of you seem to have responded to pressure to have a child for other people.
Going to live with your mother sounds sensible. Then again, does it ? Give some thought to just living in your own flat, albeit small. This child is your child, not your mothers. And you will want to raise the child your way. Your mother may have quite different ideas about how things should be done. Nice to have her support of course. But your flat is your place. Moving back in you won’t have your place. Your mums house is her house. Think about it hard.
Remember too that this child will have a father and another grandparent(s).
You won’t want anyone to say you used him. And then dumped him.
So he may be untidy, and not earn much money, and have anxiety etc, but a child could help him overcome his issues. You never know.

You're only 10 weeks, please consider very carefully if you want to be tied to this nohoper and deadbeat for 18 years. You're early enough to terminate, it's not fair on either you or the child.

As a single mum with two children whose father wasn’t around for either & filled with false promises & wasn’t up for the job. I’d go it alone you will have tough times but you can do it, he’s immature & using his ADHD as an excuse if he hasn’t learnt techniques to deal with it or sought medical/professional help at 46yrs he’s not going too, he is going to cause you & your child more stress than bringing up a child on your own. Wishing you all the very best & your mum sounds wonderful, children need calm environments with grown ups showing them the ropes of life not chaotic man babies who avoid their responsibilities. xxx

Thank you, that also made me feel a lot better

I'm so glad you've decided to move in with your Mum @BeQuirkyReader, I'm sure it will be a real bonding experience for you both while you're pregnant, and then for your Mum and the baby once they arrive. My DM was brilliant while I was pregnant, incredibly supportive and not at all overbearing, and once the babies arrived she only offered advice when I asked for it! Wishing you all the best for the rest of your pregnancy.

This indeed!

If she gets on with her mum and her mum is willing, both true in this case, why shouldn't OP have a bit of TLC and support from her mum, at least initially. Plenty of women, who are lucky enough to have a supportive mum, have them over for a few weeks to help out with a new born?

It doesn't mean OP will lose her independence for ever. She has a job, a flat, so she's able to choose what suits her best for the pregnancy and after that.

And what is the point of repeated comments saying Well you shouldn't have got pregnant should you.

OP has said several times that she wants the baby, her mum wants the baby ... That's it.

Maybe the child will want a decent dad

It's fairly clear OP doesn't think he will be
and he's got worse since she became pregnant.

Maybe should have thought about child’s needs before going down IVF route

The horse bolted. The stable door has now been shut.