AIBU to move in with my mum and raise the baby alone?

[BeQuirkyReader]

Hi everyone,

First time poster, long time lurker. I am sorry, this will be a long one. I have put paragraphs in :)

I have been in a relationship with a 46 year old man for three years. I am in my mid 30s. So as not to drip feed, we are both only children who have both felt the pressure of parents who want grandchildren. Neither of us have children. We currently do not live together, although it was expected (by him) that I would move into his flat which is approximately 45 mins from my flat.

We decided to go through IVF after struggling to conceive. He insinuated for a long time that I was the issue here (e.g. calling me a ‘Jaffa’ as a ‘joke’), and it later transpired that he has a low sperm count. He is self employed and works from home all the time.

I fell pregnant on the first IVF cycle and am 10 weeks pregnant , which I am eternally thankful for. However, these are the issues I am having with my partner:

• His two bed flat is a complete state and dirty and there is nowhere for me to store any of my things or baby’s things. He uses the spare room as his office and it’s floor to ceiling with stuff. He tells me he will get around to sorting it all, and hasn’t. He blames this on ADHD but will not take medication or see a doctor.
• He frequently becomes overwhelmed with anxiety and has to go and stay with his parents, who I feel, indulge him. I cannot talk about anything that may cause him stress or is difficult to discuss.
• He seems to lack in ambition and organisation and will admit to either not doing any work all day or will lie in bed most of the day (which I have seen).
• He constantly says he has no money and makes suggestions that seem as though I will need to prop us up financially. He does not offer to help pay towards private scans or the medication I needed post IVF.
• Says he will not change nappies or attend a parenting course with me and his mum has backed him, saying ‘she just got on with it and his father never did it.’
• Struggles to make decisions and defers to me most of the time. He also lives in the far future and says I should be excited about us buying a house, which may be years away. He will not focus on the here and now situation with his flat.
• Wants continued sympathy and support for his anxiety, although won’t see a doctor, but says the anxiety is ‘not his fault’ and the state of his flat is ‘not his fault’. I do not currently live with him.
• Huffs off whenever I begin discussing anything that may be uncomfortable with him (the state of the flat, his oven is broken, his snoring) and says I have ‘ruined the day’.

I think I know what the answer is here, but my mum has asked me to move back in with her to have the baby, where they can have their own room and nursery. I am so grateful to have fallen pregnant and I saw them moving via a private scan yesterday. Today, it was like a lightbulb moment and I realised they can’t begin their life like this.

I am aware that I should have considered all this before falling pregnant, but he did not announce his issues at the start, and assured me that he would sort his flat out.

I would like to understand if I’m making the right or wrong decision for my baby in starting their life as a lone parent due to the above points (and more).

This.
@BeQuirkyReader when you say he "made it clear that he wanted to be a family man", I think you heard that he wanted to be a father, when actually he meant he wanted you to be his new mother.

Some men want a family because they want to be looked after by a wife-mother, not because they want to be fathers and equal parents.

Did you use a sperm donner? Do you mean you don't want him in your/babys life at all - because surely if he's the bio father he'll still been able to have access?

Your baby will want for a decent father. That’s hugely significant.

She hasn’t really got any choice has she ?
Poor woman

“he seems to need more support and sympathy than I am able to give”

And he will continue to do so. OP, have your baby, DO NOT put him on the birth certificate, move in temporarily with your DM, then sort out somewhere for you and the baby to live - if your flat isn’t suitable, consider somewhere else. Yes, it’s great to be with your DM when you have a baby, if you get on with her - I spent a month at my mother’s when I had DC2 and it was lovely - but ultimately, you need your independence. Unfortunately, as you are probably aware, the father of your baby is not going to change, and one baby is more than enough for you to be looking after, Good luck, OP, and I hope it all works out for you.

Even reading this is giving me the ick.
He can still be involved in the baby’s life.

I really wish women would stop breeding with losers.

Good luck OP, you are going to need it. He needs to pay child support even if he actively decides to not co-parent.

His parents and rest of his family (with that exception of his mum’s comment) are really nice to me and so excited as they never thought he would become a father
They might be hoping that OP will do some of the work of dealing with him, leaving them free of the burden?

If you’re not married you can just not put his name on the birth certificate. Keep him at arms lengths after child born and if and when he ever decides (or his mother decides) to take it to family court it will be up to Cafcass/court if he is a suitable father to have contact visits. Will be a long process.

Not sure which way the voting is but I would move in with your mum. Much easier to do it before the baby is born than to move afterwards. Having a baby is joyous - but HARD. You need real practical support - someone to feed you, change nappies, clean up, load the dishwasher, sterilise, settle baby and love you for all that you do for the little one. Someone wishy washy and airy fairy just won’t cut it.

This man is no use to you at all Op, he has openly declared he won't be involved in parenting classes or changing nappies, he sounds like a slob, happy in his own muck. I would move in with your mum, dump him and stay as far away as possible, although I accept he may wish to have access to the baby. This is definitely not the father or role model you need for your child

I think living with your mum will honestly be the best experience. She will help endlessly and look after you when you get big and let you sleep in when baby has been up all night. I lived with my mum when I had my first child and it was the most bonding experience. You don’t need to worry about him until it’s time he starts to have to have baby at his. Until then please just enjoy being pregnant and having your mum.

I think there are two separate questions - moving in with him, which is clearly not something you want to do + moving in with your mum.

Do you want to live with your mum? Or are you better living near each other and visiting? Lots of baby care advice has been updated since you were little - will your mum move with the times?

Take some advice re mortgages - I don't know how lenders react to maternity leave and the impact on income in the calculations. You don't want to be stuck with your mum if living together ends up not working out.

Do think about soundproofing in your mum's house. Assuming she's 20-40 years older than you she may be menopausal and/ or otherwise struggle with sleeping. She will probably find it harder to have her nights interrupted with a tiny hungry baby than she did when you were a baby.

Yes, definitely definitely move in with your mum and do it soon so that everything is all settled by the time baby arrives. As someone who lived in a difficult situation with my baby’s dad (different to your situation but difficult) when I was pregnant and my baby was born up to 9 months and then moved with my parents for a bit till ds was around 16 months, it was a huge struggle dealing with the emotional and practical side of the difficult situation along with being a first time mum. And I was lucky not to have any post natal depression or a difficult birth or other issues. If I could go back it would have been amazing to live in with them while pregnant and not have to deal with as much of my ex’s bullshit.

Him calling you a Jaffa should have been the moment you left. He should've been caring and supportive towards you. Alas, if that's the way he speaks to you during a vulnerable time, he'll never change. You deserve better. Good luck and enjoy your baby

Agreed. How lovely of the OP’s mum to make such a generous offer. She’s lucky to have this option 🥰

Thanks everyone who took the time to write useful and practical replies. I will be moving to my mum’s instead (I feel like I need to stress again, that she has asked me to on multiple occasions).

Thank you, that makes me feel a lot better about it.

It’s lovely to hear that it worked out well living with your mum.

Oh lovely, move in with your mum. You’ll need looking after more than you know when the baby arrives. Congratulations, from one IVF mum to another. You will be more than fine. He’s only going to get in your way ❤️

My ex is like this. I left him before our daughter was even one and never looked back. Please
don’t move in with this man and be prepared that he won’t be a great father either.

You did IVF together before even living together??

Every single point you have raised points to a nightmare man child and the worst kind of person to have a child with. Nightmare all round.

call it quits and move in with your mum 100%

Hi op congratulations I can’t believe people are suggesting a termination after you going through ivf. You man is definitely not a keeper I know your moving in with your mum but I would give up the flat and put your savings away to buy your own place one day. You can give your child everything you need but a man refusing to do nappies is going cause so much resentment also running home to mummy for help. All bloody pathetic if anything these issues have come at the right time because you know he’s going to be a useless lazy dad. This way you decide everything and you being pregnant is a blessing so ignore the negativity on here. You’re going to need support and your bf isn’t the one to give it this parenting is bloody hard work so getting rid of the manchild now.