AIBU to move in with my mum and raise the baby alone?

[BeQuirkyReader]

Hi everyone,

First time poster, long time lurker. I am sorry, this will be a long one. I have put paragraphs in :)

I have been in a relationship with a 46 year old man for three years. I am in my mid 30s. So as not to drip feed, we are both only children who have both felt the pressure of parents who want grandchildren. Neither of us have children. We currently do not live together, although it was expected (by him) that I would move into his flat which is approximately 45 mins from my flat.

We decided to go through IVF after struggling to conceive. He insinuated for a long time that I was the issue here (e.g. calling me a ‘Jaffa’ as a ‘joke’), and it later transpired that he has a low sperm count. He is self employed and works from home all the time.

I fell pregnant on the first IVF cycle and am 10 weeks pregnant , which I am eternally thankful for. However, these are the issues I am having with my partner:

• His two bed flat is a complete state and dirty and there is nowhere for me to store any of my things or baby’s things. He uses the spare room as his office and it’s floor to ceiling with stuff. He tells me he will get around to sorting it all, and hasn’t. He blames this on ADHD but will not take medication or see a doctor.
• He frequently becomes overwhelmed with anxiety and has to go and stay with his parents, who I feel, indulge him. I cannot talk about anything that may cause him stress or is difficult to discuss.
• He seems to lack in ambition and organisation and will admit to either not doing any work all day or will lie in bed most of the day (which I have seen).
• He constantly says he has no money and makes suggestions that seem as though I will need to prop us up financially. He does not offer to help pay towards private scans or the medication I needed post IVF.
• Says he will not change nappies or attend a parenting course with me and his mum has backed him, saying ‘she just got on with it and his father never did it.’
• Struggles to make decisions and defers to me most of the time. He also lives in the far future and says I should be excited about us buying a house, which may be years away. He will not focus on the here and now situation with his flat.
• Wants continued sympathy and support for his anxiety, although won’t see a doctor, but says the anxiety is ‘not his fault’ and the state of his flat is ‘not his fault’. I do not currently live with him.
• Huffs off whenever I begin discussing anything that may be uncomfortable with him (the state of the flat, his oven is broken, his snoring) and says I have ‘ruined the day’.

I think I know what the answer is here, but my mum has asked me to move back in with her to have the baby, where they can have their own room and nursery. I am so grateful to have fallen pregnant and I saw them moving via a private scan yesterday. Today, it was like a lightbulb moment and I realised they can’t begin their life like this.

I am aware that I should have considered all this before falling pregnant, but he did not announce his issues at the start, and assured me that he would sort his flat out.

I would like to understand if I’m making the right or wrong decision for my baby in starting their life as a lone parent due to the above points (and more).

Well he has 9 to 10 months or more before a baby needsto visit with him and first short visits can be supervised by you.
Break off the relationship with him now. He may improve or may get worse but not your issue until baby needs to visit him.
agree to set a co parenting model in future but wait til baby is born.
Move out. Set parameters when baby is born

So lucky to have such a lovely mum.

I was trying to be impartial when I started reading this but from a purely practical point of view, the list of the negative aspects is long and none of your asks were outlandish, just normal.

But the thing was really swayed me was his absolute refusal to every change nappies or come to parenting classes with you... and his mum's horrible reaction. It showed an outstanding lack of interest and also how would he support you when you were in labour if he doesn't attend a parenting class?

Both his flat and his attitude show he wouldn't be much practical help as a parent.. and doesn't seem that bothered about it either. I think you would be asking far more than he is prepared to give and you did say that he's hinted that you might end up supporting him.

And you also said that the issues had accelerated since you became pregnant and you are only 10 weeks. Sounds like when he said he wanted to be a family man, it was the same as saying he'd sort out his life/flat - a really good idea but he can't be bothered to actually get round to it.

You can be really happy and excited about your baby with your mum and not have to worry about constantly supplying sympathy or watching him "walking off in a huff" whenever you need to discuss something important.

How could you go through IVF knowing what he was like (the signs were there). why even start TTC without living together first

Your baby now has this person as their dad (a child has a right to know their dad no matter how deadbeat they are)

I assume there is an increased chance of your child having ADHD, so a challenge you may have in the future.

Did you pay for IVF?

What are your finances like?

so you wanted a baby at any cost and have now saddled this child with either a single parent home or a useless father or both. Bit selfish don’t you think?

@usererror99 I don’t understand why people do this, and putting themselves through IVF and they are not even in a stable relationship and then there is a poor child brought into this position

Just move in with your Mum. My daughter did when she ended up on her own with newborn. Everything was absolutely fine ,we supported her and my beautiful grandchild.

@BeQuirkyReader did you really want a child or is this mainly down to pressure from parents wanting to be grandparents. Really not a good reason to become a mum and certainly not with the person you chose to be dad

I really wanted a child. Thanks for not jumping to conclusions before I even answered ;)

Just a voice of caution, tho. How well do you get on with your mum? Will she want to take over/expect you to do everything in the house because she’s giving you a home? I wonder if you’re doing the whole frying pan/fire thing? I think retaining your own space is extremely sensible. Having a baby will massively change the dynamic of your relationship with your mum.

Not helpful, I know, but you must have seen these issues with this man child! There’s no way you can live with him, I’d say not even in the future.

Your parents sound 100% the more supportive, nurturing and safe choice.

You are very lucky to have this option. I plan to keep my children’s bedrooms until the day I die, purely for this reason.

for the sake of your child and mental wellbeing, please go. X

Sorry, I'm going to be honest here....
you BOTH sound so immature, this isn't a toy you can return, it's a human life, a baby.
Why on earth have you gone through IVF to bring a life in to this world with such an immature man? One that you have been with for some time and knew what he was like?
The warning signs were all there but you ignored them...
Going to your mum is the best option.
poor wee baby is all I'm thinking.

With this type of person make sure you don't reward promises of action, only the action itself. In my experience, there's a type of man who gets just as much satisfaction out of thinking about a task as they do completing it so in their head there's little difference and they get all butt hurt when you don't give praise for words when there's been no action.

So, promises of sorting the flat mean nothing, if he wants to have his child stay there then that could happen after he's done the whole thing.

Exhausting. Most people learn this lesson when they're about 5 years old.

Congratulations on your pregnancy. I hope it all goes brilliantly! 🤩

However, you say you expected him to do as he sai, and sort the flat out etc. But what about all the other red flags? Running off to his parents when overwhelmed (he’s mid-40s!), not being able to have uncomfortable conversations, literally ALL the other stuff you mentioned yells that he is a manchild. How did you put up with it all for so long and only now, with a baby in the way, realise it’s not what you want or can put up with?!

That has really resonated with me, thank you

Is he the biological father is a really strange question to someone who has conceived through IVF!

Congratulations @BeQuirkyReader
Move in with your mum, drop him like a hot brick & forget he ever existed.

Quietly move in with your mum when the time is right. No need to keep the man child or his parents updated on your life. Just detach slowly and cautiously. Stop mentioning cleaning the flat. No point. Waste of energy. Get everything lined up without involving this idiot. Best of luck with the baby 🐥 🍼

@banmusk she can’t do that, the child has a right to know who he is. Something people should think about before getting pregnant

You knew ALL of this before you fell pregnant. This has not suddenly become apparent over the last 10 weeks.

Getting pregnant by someone you don’t love with, seems a bit odd, but each to their own.

It come across that you wanted a baby, and took whichever option was available.

I get that feeling. So strong it made you deny all the issues and doubts you had as you wanted to get pregnant so badly.

Can you sublet your flat so that the rent is covered?

I echo what everyone else has said - leave this man.

Obviously it would have been better if you'd thought this through beforehand - but I do know from personal experience that the severity of these issues often only becomes clear when the woman changes gear quite dramatically, as they should in light of their new responsibility to their child - and the man just ... doesn't.

Your life with him, constantly cajoling and seeking strategies to 'encourage' him without hurting his butt, will be a living hell.

Keep your flat then and rent it out. Move in with your mum and honestly just ditch him, he's not going to change and you will be too busy and tired to give him any headspace.

Make sure you set boundaries with your mum too. Agree how much you need to pay and whether you intend to rely on her for help with the baby. What are your plans for childcare when you go back to work?

Yes you were foolish to have made a baby with him , you had three years to work out what he was like. But that’s all irrelevant now , baby is on its way so you have to be practical now and accept that he’s not going to change .

You don’t need permission from anyone here to live where you like. you and your Bf are not married or engaged , you don’t live together , you have no ties. you have chosen to make a baby in this situationship so you must both be happy with no ties or commitments. you don’t owe him anything .

So live were you like, whatever if best for you and baby which sounds like it at your mums. Give baby your surname and don’t take your BF with you to register the birth , so his name won’t be on the BC. If the baby is a girl then give her your mums name as a middle name ;if it’s a boy then use a middle name from your mums side of the family .

Your mum deserves some respect and honour for the way she is standing by you and supporting you. Don’t take that for granted .

Ignore the people here who will threaten you that he will take the baby 50:50. You will be lucky if he sees the baby for a a couple of hours a month at your house.

A toddler or young child won’t suffer from visiting their dad occasionally in a messy house. That’s all that will ever happen - your Bf isn’t going to have a personality transplant at 50 and become a good dad. What you see now is what you get - all talk and no action.

Also he won’t pay a penny in maintenance as he’s self employed, so don’t make your plans based on anything from him .

You don’t need private scans just because you had private IVF. Now you are pregnant you are entitled to NHS maternity care , just go and register.

Good luck with everything .

I get you wanted a baby but you've just saddled yourself with this man child for at least 18 years, why on earth would you do that?

@thestudio more importantly she hasn’t chosen wisely for a dad for her child