AIBU to move in with my mum and raise the baby alone?

[BeQuirkyReader]

Hi everyone,

First time poster, long time lurker. I am sorry, this will be a long one. I have put paragraphs in :)

I have been in a relationship with a 46 year old man for three years. I am in my mid 30s. So as not to drip feed, we are both only children who have both felt the pressure of parents who want grandchildren. Neither of us have children. We currently do not live together, although it was expected (by him) that I would move into his flat which is approximately 45 mins from my flat.

We decided to go through IVF after struggling to conceive. He insinuated for a long time that I was the issue here (e.g. calling me a ‘Jaffa’ as a ‘joke’), and it later transpired that he has a low sperm count. He is self employed and works from home all the time.

I fell pregnant on the first IVF cycle and am 10 weeks pregnant , which I am eternally thankful for. However, these are the issues I am having with my partner:

• His two bed flat is a complete state and dirty and there is nowhere for me to store any of my things or baby’s things. He uses the spare room as his office and it’s floor to ceiling with stuff. He tells me he will get around to sorting it all, and hasn’t. He blames this on ADHD but will not take medication or see a doctor.
• He frequently becomes overwhelmed with anxiety and has to go and stay with his parents, who I feel, indulge him. I cannot talk about anything that may cause him stress or is difficult to discuss.
• He seems to lack in ambition and organisation and will admit to either not doing any work all day or will lie in bed most of the day (which I have seen).
• He constantly says he has no money and makes suggestions that seem as though I will need to prop us up financially. He does not offer to help pay towards private scans or the medication I needed post IVF.
• Says he will not change nappies or attend a parenting course with me and his mum has backed him, saying ‘she just got on with it and his father never did it.’
• Struggles to make decisions and defers to me most of the time. He also lives in the far future and says I should be excited about us buying a house, which may be years away. He will not focus on the here and now situation with his flat.
• Wants continued sympathy and support for his anxiety, although won’t see a doctor, but says the anxiety is ‘not his fault’ and the state of his flat is ‘not his fault’. I do not currently live with him.
• Huffs off whenever I begin discussing anything that may be uncomfortable with him (the state of the flat, his oven is broken, his snoring) and says I have ‘ruined the day’.

I think I know what the answer is here, but my mum has asked me to move back in with her to have the baby, where they can have their own room and nursery. I am so grateful to have fallen pregnant and I saw them moving via a private scan yesterday. Today, it was like a lightbulb moment and I realised they can’t begin their life like this.

I am aware that I should have considered all this before falling pregnant, but he did not announce his issues at the start, and assured me that he would sort his flat out.

I would like to understand if I’m making the right or wrong decision for my baby in starting their life as a lone parent due to the above points (and more).

Why wouldn’t he want 50/50? It’s his child as much as hers.

As other people have pointed out and you’ve chosen to completely ignore
That may not be your decision. They are granting overnights with newborns Now. I was quite surprised to meet a man recently. Who had had 50-50 care with his daughter from birth. The mother just had to pump when the child wasn’t with her and provide breastmilk for him to keep it his place which he may or may not have given to the kid. Nobody knows because it’s none of her business. What goes on when the child is with its father that was made very clear.

I do not believe it’s a forgone conclusion that my child will be a ‘miniature version of him’ or prefer him to me, due to being ‘more alike’. I did not ask in my post, ‘should I have a termination?’ . It’s not an option for me so please stop posting if that’s all you have to say.

All of those issues were there before you decided to have a baby with him so why did you go ahead? You have got what you wanted so move in with your mum.

It’s her poor mother I feel sorry for she’s had no saying any of this.

If your Mum's ok with you moving in sooner rather than later I'd get the ball rolling and move asap. I doubt this guy will get his shit together, so I'd set your expectations accordingly. However, if he sees you've chosen to live with your Mum over his manky flat, it does give him plenty of time before the baby arrives to clean his place up and reflect on whether he wants to be an active Dad.

She. Wants. Me. To. Move. In. Please do read the OP, if you have time.

Yes in this situation that sounds like the ideal scenario. There is absolutely no way I would move in with a man like that when having a baby. It would be completely overwhelming having to deal with his issues on top of having a newborn.

He can still be a loving involved father but he is not doing what he needs to do to live with a partner and child.

@BeQuirkyReader will your DM be an overbearing GM, as was giving pressure about being a grandparent? I know it is still early days but what would your long term plans look like? It’s not like you are a teen mum who would need more support

No, she is very excited and has told me she wants the best for me and her grandchild. I have a deposit to buy a house for myself and baby in the future.

Also consider that it is very likely that baby will have ADHD too, and that is a hard parenting road.

Haven’t rtwt, but is it an option for you not to put your partner on the birth certificate? As others have pointed out, he could get 50:50 but if he’s not named as the father he would have to organise dna tests - that may be too much effort for him. He said he’s not interested in looking after the baby or making a safe space for the baby. Just cut him out completely.

Me too and i am generally one of the first to say "is continuing the pregnancy really a good idea" but on your circs no way would I be suggesting terminating.
This is a wanted child that will be loved and cared for and you can provide for.

Yes the father sounds like hes going to be a milestone around your neck and yes that'll be a drag but c'est la vie....
You pay your money and make your choices...

Like I said upthread op - I'd watch him and the inlaws though... Be polite and keep your powder dry. A la Aaron Burr in hamilton "Say Less, Smile More"

Do not move in with this man. You’ll be miserable and he will not change. He needs to frequently go and stay with his parents because he can’t cope? He’s dropping hints that you will have to help support him financially? No way. Break it off and tell him you’ve miscarried. I’m only half joking.

Congrats on your pregnancy. It’s a beautiful time but also a very vulnerable time for a woman.

I'd say that this man agreed to have a child with you because he wants permanent and guaranteed access to your money and your support. A sugar mummy and a domestic slave all rolled into one.

If I was in your shoes I would tell him that there had been a miscarriage then I would drop out of his life completely. You don't want him as a permanent thorn in your side.

needs to frequently go and stay with his parents because he can't cope?
@Tamtim
He's got the op lined up as the person to replace his parents when they are no longer willing or able to look after him

I don’t think I’ve got it in me to pretend to have a miscarriage. His parents and rest of his family (with that exception of his mum’s comment) are really nice to me and so excited as they never thought he would become a father…I will break it off with him though and look into how to co-parent successfully.

Absolutely take her up on this. Without hesitation.

Probably

Don’t people think of the child in this situation when advising stuff like this. A child has a right to know who their dad is.

Even if the OP went with this option, in this day and age of DNA sites it is quite possible in years to come the resultant child might trace family members on dad’s side and the story will come out that mum lied

Ffs, this was the best father you could choose for your poor baby? A man child loser who can't make an effort for his baby. He could barely even provide the sperm 🙈 it wasn't a surprise pregnancy and you didn't have a suitable home sorted first. Hes 46! Hes not going to change

IMO, moving in with him is not a viable option. Wipe that one out of your mind immediately.

If you're able to afford paying your mum rent and rent on your current flat, why not move to a bigger flat? You'd retain your independence that way. Alternatively, if you're still saving to buy somewhere, yes definitely move in with your mum (I wouldn't bother keeping your current place). But keep on track saving for your own place. You can do this on your own, totally.

Move back home and don’t put him in the birth certificate. Tell him that is your plan and that gives him 7 months to get his shit together and sort his flat and that will show you how serious he is about being a good father. I think you know deep down that baby or not he is not going to change so focus on the well being of yourself and baby. You have enough pressure without a grown man child. Perhaps he will surprise you but I think having the support of yourself parents and a safe, clean place to live must be your priority! Congratulations by the way! Xx