AIBU to move in with my mum and raise the baby alone?

[BeQuirkyReader]

Hi everyone,

First time poster, long time lurker. I am sorry, this will be a long one. I have put paragraphs in :)

I have been in a relationship with a 46 year old man for three years. I am in my mid 30s. So as not to drip feed, we are both only children who have both felt the pressure of parents who want grandchildren. Neither of us have children. We currently do not live together, although it was expected (by him) that I would move into his flat which is approximately 45 mins from my flat.

We decided to go through IVF after struggling to conceive. He insinuated for a long time that I was the issue here (e.g. calling me a ‘Jaffa’ as a ‘joke’), and it later transpired that he has a low sperm count. He is self employed and works from home all the time.

I fell pregnant on the first IVF cycle and am 10 weeks pregnant , which I am eternally thankful for. However, these are the issues I am having with my partner:

• His two bed flat is a complete state and dirty and there is nowhere for me to store any of my things or baby’s things. He uses the spare room as his office and it’s floor to ceiling with stuff. He tells me he will get around to sorting it all, and hasn’t. He blames this on ADHD but will not take medication or see a doctor.
• He frequently becomes overwhelmed with anxiety and has to go and stay with his parents, who I feel, indulge him. I cannot talk about anything that may cause him stress or is difficult to discuss.
• He seems to lack in ambition and organisation and will admit to either not doing any work all day or will lie in bed most of the day (which I have seen).
• He constantly says he has no money and makes suggestions that seem as though I will need to prop us up financially. He does not offer to help pay towards private scans or the medication I needed post IVF.
• Says he will not change nappies or attend a parenting course with me and his mum has backed him, saying ‘she just got on with it and his father never did it.’
• Struggles to make decisions and defers to me most of the time. He also lives in the far future and says I should be excited about us buying a house, which may be years away. He will not focus on the here and now situation with his flat.
• Wants continued sympathy and support for his anxiety, although won’t see a doctor, but says the anxiety is ‘not his fault’ and the state of his flat is ‘not his fault’. I do not currently live with him.
• Huffs off whenever I begin discussing anything that may be uncomfortable with him (the state of the flat, his oven is broken, his snoring) and says I have ‘ruined the day’.

I think I know what the answer is here, but my mum has asked me to move back in with her to have the baby, where they can have their own room and nursery. I am so grateful to have fallen pregnant and I saw them moving via a private scan yesterday. Today, it was like a lightbulb moment and I realised they can’t begin their life like this.

I am aware that I should have considered all this before falling pregnant, but he did not announce his issues at the start, and assured me that he would sort his flat out.

I would like to understand if I’m making the right or wrong decision for my baby in starting their life as a lone parent due to the above points (and more).

Well i dont disagree

I also dont know how you get to the point of IVF without realising the man is a self-proclaimed "non nappy changer"

In her shoes I'd have used a sperm donor as this guy is a walking red flag of a useless man-baby.
The CMS unlikely to be worth the hastle of having him present / fucking things up for the next 20 years... buttttt here we are

Ultimately you are wjere you are - OP needs to make the best of it.
@BeQuirkyReader I'd really urge you to play your hand carefully with this as if he decided to go full tilt and fight you, you'll be spinning a roulette wheel in family courts (Spoiler alert: the needs of the child are not what the courts are centred on)

Well you are where you are op. He’s going to be a useless waste of space and you’ll effectively have two kids, so defo hot foot it back to your mums. If he steps up then great (he won’t). So make sure you get CMS at least. And he cleans up his flat before he has the baby round!

His intentions are the same as they've been for the last 3 years. The shithole will forever exist, unless you become his cleaner. The man has shown you consistently who he is, so stop listening to his hot air.

Move in with your mother and raise the baby there. Who knows, you may also be able to encourage the lazy twat to visit the baby there too; so the poor child isn't subject to his dysfunction.

Speaking as someone who struggled to conceive, was told it was impossible, adopted twice, then fell pregnant. I totally get the desire to have a baby and I think its easy to sub/consciously block out the bad stuff and forge ahead to achieve the ultimate goal of pregnancy. I think you already know this is a non-starter. He is not a decent or responsible partner. You have to go to your mums or prepare to go it alone. But a word of caution. Your baby will still have 50% genes from him and as a parent of an adopted ADHD child and an AuDHD child keep in mind baby might inherit this from dad. That aside enjoy your baby. I am pleased for you.

As I see it, you have four options:

1. Move in with him
2. Move in with your mother
3. Stay in your small flat and go it alone
4. Terminate

To have deliberately chosen to overlook all his many red flags (we both know you did see them) you must really want to have a child, so we can wipe out Option 4 immediately.

Option 1 - no. Just, no. It would be hell on earth, it's no place to raise a child, and you'd be a shell of yourself within the year. So, wipe out Option 1 with the contempt it deserves.

That leaves staying put and going it alone (Option 3), or moving in with your mother (Option 2) as the only feasible choices.

The early years are tough, all the tougher without the support of another adult. Lonely too. It could make you vulnerable to him trying to persuade you to move into his hovel. So Option 3 is possible, but tough on you - unnecessarily so.

Your mother is offering that support, plus space your flat doesn't have (and I was shocked at the amount of baby paraphernalia that filled my home!). She is there for you. She wants the best for your baby.

There is really only one sensible choice, and that is to accept your mother's offer. I would keep your flat if you can afford it, because me personally I always think it's good to have a fallback position, just in case (hope for the best, plan for the worst is something of a mantra for me).

Your soon-to-be-ex (I hope, soon-to-be!) sounds incapable of pursuing you for access to your child or indeed in maintaining any sort of relationship, so I would hope he doesn't. His mother might though, so I'd be planning for that. Take proper legal advice!

Thanks everyone (more or less!) for your replies. I am just reading through them as I’ve been out. Thank you especially to those understanding responses. I am aware I have chosen poorly but I will ensure my baby will want for nothing.

The OP did say that their difficulty in conceiving was due to her partner. They could have used donor sperm.

Thank you, that was really helpful

I haven't read all of the responses, only your posts so unsure if this has already been pointed out. I agree with you that you would be better seperate than with a man child. But it sounds like you expect the Dad to step away and have no contact or be able to block contact. The reasons you have listed are not enough to block contact through court, and I'd take what he says now about stepping away with a pinch of salt. You may well end up coparenting 50/50 with this man rather than having the option to do it alone.

I feel a bit sorry for your partner. Basically, you’ve got a baby off him and now you’re not letting him live with it.
You must have known what he was like if you’ve been together for three years. I know you said the issues have accelerated since you got pregnant but it’s only been ten weeks. I think you should give him a chance to pull himself together.
Be completely honest with him and tell him how you feel about his mental health issues and financial situation. You need to have a discussion about what can be done to address these issues moving forward.
Give him a deadline to sort out the flat and make it clear that he will be helping out with nappies and acting like a responsible father if he wants the family to live together.

Do you love him OP? Can you see your life without him?

Yes, move in with your Mum. You can then see if he changes. Regardless, you can have a good and friendly relationship with him - just from a distance. Good luck!

This guy is a manchild. He will be no help whatsoever. He’ll never change and will sap all of your energy and money and sanity.
100% move in with your mum.

Why did you have to have Ivf? Was the issue yours or his?
are you prepared for the fact that this child will probably be just like him a miniature version of all of his problematic irritating features?
My mother had two boys with a terrible man and they ended up having to go and live with him when they were eight. She couldn’t control or manage them. They were just little shits just like their father. And they still are.
She never enjoyed motherhood with these children.

God, stop putting the boot into the OP! She's making the right choice for herself and baby now, isn't she? Yeah, keep him off the birth cert OP. He'll fade out, sounds like a waste of skin.

YABVU for even being with this man and having a child with him in the first place.

YWNBU to move in with your mom and raise rhe child just the two of you.

You had IVF in those circumstances? I am not sure I believe this post.

op is surely on the wind up. No one could be this clueless, 🤔

I'm sorry you've had fertility issues with your partner. The truth is, a good parent would absolutely not bring a baby into this situation. I know that won't be popular but in your situation, there is no way I would continue this pregnancy, for your sake and the baby's.