AIBU to move in with my mum and raise the baby alone?

[BeQuirkyReader]

Hi everyone,

First time poster, long time lurker. I am sorry, this will be a long one. I have put paragraphs in :)

I have been in a relationship with a 46 year old man for three years. I am in my mid 30s. So as not to drip feed, we are both only children who have both felt the pressure of parents who want grandchildren. Neither of us have children. We currently do not live together, although it was expected (by him) that I would move into his flat which is approximately 45 mins from my flat.

We decided to go through IVF after struggling to conceive. He insinuated for a long time that I was the issue here (e.g. calling me a ‘Jaffa’ as a ‘joke’), and it later transpired that he has a low sperm count. He is self employed and works from home all the time.

I fell pregnant on the first IVF cycle and am 10 weeks pregnant , which I am eternally thankful for. However, these are the issues I am having with my partner:

• His two bed flat is a complete state and dirty and there is nowhere for me to store any of my things or baby’s things. He uses the spare room as his office and it’s floor to ceiling with stuff. He tells me he will get around to sorting it all, and hasn’t. He blames this on ADHD but will not take medication or see a doctor.
• He frequently becomes overwhelmed with anxiety and has to go and stay with his parents, who I feel, indulge him. I cannot talk about anything that may cause him stress or is difficult to discuss.
• He seems to lack in ambition and organisation and will admit to either not doing any work all day or will lie in bed most of the day (which I have seen).
• He constantly says he has no money and makes suggestions that seem as though I will need to prop us up financially. He does not offer to help pay towards private scans or the medication I needed post IVF.
• Says he will not change nappies or attend a parenting course with me and his mum has backed him, saying ‘she just got on with it and his father never did it.’
• Struggles to make decisions and defers to me most of the time. He also lives in the far future and says I should be excited about us buying a house, which may be years away. He will not focus on the here and now situation with his flat.
• Wants continued sympathy and support for his anxiety, although won’t see a doctor, but says the anxiety is ‘not his fault’ and the state of his flat is ‘not his fault’. I do not currently live with him.
• Huffs off whenever I begin discussing anything that may be uncomfortable with him (the state of the flat, his oven is broken, his snoring) and says I have ‘ruined the day’.

I think I know what the answer is here, but my mum has asked me to move back in with her to have the baby, where they can have their own room and nursery. I am so grateful to have fallen pregnant and I saw them moving via a private scan yesterday. Today, it was like a lightbulb moment and I realised they can’t begin their life like this.

I am aware that I should have considered all this before falling pregnant, but he did not announce his issues at the start, and assured me that he would sort his flat out.

I would like to understand if I’m making the right or wrong decision for my baby in starting their life as a lone parent due to the above points (and more).

Mum is the best option! Do you even like this man baby?

Well your first, most important job to pick a suitable father for your baby and you have blown that@ but yeah, no need to make a second mistake and live with him.

You really wanted a child so now your child has a father who lives like a filthy pig?

Seems a bit unfair.

So glad to read this as your relationship is going nowhere and I think your Mum knows this. He will expect you to look after him! I wish you well for the future.

Never mind the OP, this was her choice.

The baby didn't choose to be saddled with a father who won't even change a nappy, or clean his home.

She said he had low sperm count - I think that poster wondered if it was donor sperm.

FFS everyone - stop vilifying the OP!

if every pregnancy was in a perfect situation with a supportive and loving partner the human race would die out!

I was in a similar position OP, he was an alcoholic but promised to stop drinking when the baby came. No surprise that he didn’t. If I hadn’t carried on with the pregnancy I wouldn’t have my gorgeous son ( now 20 years old).

you want the baby and the future won’t be easy, but it’ll be worth it to have your lovely child ♥️

Right decision. Go it alone. It’s wonderful!

@notmoredirtywashing because it is important to make good choices for your child. The child comes first, not your desire to have a child. Choosing a shit dad is not making a good choice for your child. Women do need to take some responsibility for this, especially when they are in a position to make a choice and it was pretty obvious the man would not be great dad material. This wasn't an oops contraception moment, the OP went through IVF

Definitely do not move in with him under any circumstances. I would not move in with your mum either, have a baby and then see how it goes from there.

I don't think she's asking for permission, just opinions!

@sittingonabeach

My point is that some relationships seem ok at first and it seems like a mature decision to get pregnant. That was the case with me. I was married, in stable employment and owned my own home but it all fell apart when I got pregnant. What was I ( or the OP) to do?

You have considered that your child is likely to have a neurodiversity too?

@Cheese55. You are absolutely right! I think some people don’t live in the real world.

So he wasn't an alcoholic when you got pregnant?

The OP didn't even live with the man. Surely that's the first start. If you can't live with him what hope does the child have?

With him having ADHD and being an older dad the chances are raised

Look theres a baby coming...it's wanted.

• Move in with your mum.

• Do not get sucked into buying new baby things. Most baby stuff gets minimal use and can be bought 80-90% off retail

You can get great prams 2nd hand for £100... newborn lovetodream swaddles are £30 a go new you xan get them for £3 on vinted.

• keep your flat

• I'd be blandly polite with him and keep your powder dry. You don't want threats of legal action while pregnant.

• be polite with the mil and keep her looped in (again keep your powder dry)

• think about whether or not you want him on the birth cert

• file your cms claim at birth

• if you do nct /bump and me - be prepared for it to be a bit crap / smug couple filled. On the flip side seeing other men not being useless POS might inspire him to pick it up

• ignore everything he says. Look at actions only... and tell him thats what you are doing

"Yes charles...that's a lovely plan. i will believe it when I see it"

Ultimately you've picked a poor father amd you'll have to live with the consequences of that and to manage the hell of the situation.... but kids are amazing!
Congrats!!!

Well since you're asking about the OP

What she was 'to do' was refuse to undergo IVF with a man who she absolutely knew was a waste of space and happy to live like a pig in shit.

These problems didn't arrive as soon as the egg was fertilised.

@BeQuirkyReader

I think the main thing you need to understand is that if you stay involved with this man you will end up having TWO children to raise. Your baby, and him. Frankly, I'd end the relationship and simply co-parent with him. Not that I think you can expect much in the way of support during your pregnancy and much parenting from him after baby arrives. Sorry if you've said, but what is his parent's reaction to your pregnancy?

As long as you and Mum get along AND you have similar child rearing philosophies I think you'll be OK, and living with her will be a good thing. But a big issue is whether or not your mum will understand her role is as a grandmother and understand that you are the baby's mother and therefore the primary caregiver and 'decider'.

DC & I stayed with my parents for about 3 months when DH had a career change and moved ahead of us. It went pretty smoothly as Mum didn't try to 'take over' or change/criticize my decisions. Sure, we had the normal 'grandma' stuff like giving an extra biscuit or letting DC do something I normally wouldn't but it was all 'small stuff' and didn't really bother me. For the main it was "Ask your mother" and "Sorry, but your mum said no".

Move back in with your mum OP. You can save money on rent which is ideal for Mat leave anyway, and it sounds like your mum is happy to have you and excited to be a grandparent. Have in your head that you will stay there until baby is min 6 months old and then evaluate where you’re at. If he’s become a magically transformed man then you can start making plans to move in together, and if he hasn’t then you’re no worse off. It’ll feel far worse if you move in now, it doesn’t work out and you find yourself having to move in with mum whilst in the newborn trenches.

I am wondering if he has any redeeming features at all from your list. Leave him and live with your Mum he will get worse when the baby arrives. He doea seem depressed though so a GP visit may help him

@BeQuirkyReader seeing that you dint live with your DP and he has done nothing to sort out his flat, then I feel considering moving in with your mum is perfectly ok and not that much of a change compare to your current arrangement.

Before moving with your mum, you need to consider

• what will be the financial arrangement (you paying rent, how much etc….)
• how involve does your mum want to be? You said she was keen on grandchildren. Does it mean she might get over involved?
• ground rules - visit from your DP if you decide to stay together or from other people if you’re not, freedom to ‘do as you please’. Chores, who is cooking, shopping etc… Basically all the questions you’d want to go through before an adult child moves back home after Uni 😁 If you’ve done that before, maybe see what has and hasn’t worked then
• for yourself, if things go tits up re living with your mum, can you easily ish move out?

Then consider your relationship with your DP.
From your list, there isn’t a lot of good… does he have any good points?

Absolutely staggered at the concept of being sure enough you want a baby to undertake the gruelling process of IVF, but with someone you don’t even live with and didn’t seem to know much about beforehand! How and why on earth?

That aside, yes of course go live with your Mum.

Seriously, listen to your mum. Move in with her and give yourself and your baby the best start you can. It’s the hardest job in the world and you need all the help you can get and this man is not going to clearly. You and your baby deserve so much better, I say this as someone who has a toddler with a great dad but at times so hard. Go and be with your mum! All the best to you 💐

If you have a solid relationship with your mum, I'd do that.

Not ideal that you didn't pick well (neither did I!) but I do think their faults are highlighted when you are actually pregnant and shit's getting real. There's a time crunch and he's not making any headway.

There's a small chance he will clean up his act/home by the birth, but don't count on it.

Congratulations.