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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Would you tell family about inheriting a life-changing sum unexpectedly?

314 replies

EugenieGreen · Yesterday 14:11

If you (your DH) had completely out of the blue, inherited a life changing amount of money, would you tell your parents or siblings?

DH and I disagree.

OP posts:
IonianNerveGrip · Yesterday 16:10

If he doesn't want to say anything, but also wants to pursue lifestyle upgrades that'll invite questions, one option is to tailor what you tell people.

Do the rest of the family need to know about a property being bought in the US? You might simply go on holiday there. Doesn't have to be a discussion about where you're staying. Perhaps you could say you had a rise, small windfall or something else that might start funding more trips to the US than you used to have.

What does he want to do with the other extra property he'd like to buy? If it's a rental, can't see why it'd get back to the rest of the family.

With early retirement, it sounds like you might be old enough that he could at least theoretically have been in one of those brilliant schemes where people who've been plugging away can finish early. Is it an option to pretend it's that?

HideousKinky · Yesterday 16:11

As the money has been inherited by your DH, you should do as he prefers

3luckystars · Yesterday 16:11

Absolutely NO WAY NO WAY NO WAY.

there is no benefit whatsoever to telling anyone. Don’t do it. Even the people you give money to won’t think it’s enough. People you don’t give money to, will hate you. There is no reason whatsoever to tell anyone.

Money like this does change lives, for worse, IF YOU TELL. Don’t tell.

Delphiniumandlupins · Yesterday 16:12

My DH would probably feel honour-bound to share with his brother and that would be his choice to make, even if I disagree.

pilates · Yesterday 16:14

No I wouldn’t

3luckystars · Yesterday 16:15

just say you got loans out. Don’t tell anyone unless you want everyone to hate you and ruin your lives forever.

Viviennemary · Yesterday 16:16

Yes but if its a huge sum play it down. Or else they might expect handouts. Dont tell them how much.

Harrietsaunt · Yesterday 16:16

I would definitely tell my adult DC.

ForeverNowWithin · Yesterday 16:17

It totally depends. If I thought they'd be bitter and resentful or constantly tapping me up for loans and playing their 'poor me' violins to guilt trip me into giving them money then no, I wouldn't tell them.

Done2much · Yesterday 16:18

based on the experience of a friend who's been careless about telling people about a life changing inheritance I'd say don't mention it to anyone, for two reasons
No.1 people talk and are likely to share the information
No.2 the idea of getting extra cash brings out the worst in some people

XenoBitch · Yesterday 16:18

No. Your DH inherited the money. It is no business of your own siblings and parents what he inherited after a death on his side of the family.

My BIL (sister's DH) is due to inherit a massive amount when his parents go, and it would be none of mine or my DB's business at all.

Error404FucksNotFound · Yesterday 16:19

I would be guided by my husband, who was the one who received the money. If he wanted them to know, then he should tell them. If he didnt want them to know then I would respect that.

Biker47 · Yesterday 16:19

No I wouldn't, people can get weird and grabby (even if they've never shown that quality before) around money when it isn't "earned" and comes from things like winnings or inheritance, some people almost treat it like community property.

IonianNerveGrip · Yesterday 16:20

Delphiniumandlupins · Yesterday 16:12

My DH would probably feel honour-bound to share with his brother and that would be his choice to make, even if I disagree.

I always wonder why people do things like that, because it doesn't seem like the person receiving the information is going to be made happier for it. Of course you'd have to go along with your spouse's wishes regardless.

Mary28 · Yesterday 16:21

I was talking about this just recently where a work friend is on a massive wage, a life changing wage really, multiples of what the rest of us are on with bonkers bonuses too. I was saying that if I was her I would not be telling my friends outside of work or extended families what I was on if it was me. I think they would be always expecting me to pay for stuff. Then you get the comments "well she can afford it" etc and it can get a bit mean spirited.

So, if I inherited a lot of money by surprise, no I would not be telling anyone.
Your financial situation is no one else's business anyway and if it's going to change how they view you or affect how you get treated by them - then why would you tell anyone? And that news gets around fast so know that if you tell one person, you've told everyone.

If someone asks about where a big spend comes, I'd say it was a bonus / a wise investment or some such thing. It's none of their business really.

harderthanIexpected · Yesterday 16:26

pinkspeakers · Yesterday 15:43

Yes. I'd tell close family and close friends. I think those sorts of relationships should be based on honesty as far as possible and keeping a major event like that secret would feel uncomfortably dishonest to me.

Plus, if it's really life-changing, presumably they would notice your life has changed? You'd have to lie to explain that. I don't fancy that in central relationships.

It would of course depend on the nature of your relationships with your family. If they are very distant or problematic then the above doesn't really apply.

Yes. I'd tell close family and close friends. I think those sorts of relationships should be based on honesty as far as possible and keeping a major event like that secret would feel uncomfortably dishonest to me.

This is exactly how I feel. We inherited a substantial amount, which would probably be on the borderline of life changing. We were able to fully pay off the mortgage and we now have choices that we wouldn't have had before, such as paying tuition fees and substantial deposits for the DC (obviously we could alternatively choose to spend the money in other ways that are more visible, but we both feel strongly that we want to pass it on because we are fortunate enough to be financially comfortable already).

Money isn't a huge topic of conversation with friends and family, but inevitably it comes up as people talk about plans for the future, retirement, money worries, DC university etc. I'd feel really disingenuous engaging in these conversations, listening and sympathising to a sibling worrying about interest rates for example, knowing that they had no idea at all that it isn't something that impacts us.

It felt completely normal and natural to give those closest to us (parents, siblings, two v close friends) a very broad brush outline, explaining that we had paid off our mortgage and put the rest of the money away for DC and later life security. No one has ever pried more deeply or asked for financial assistance, although we have offered and provided it to family members a few times. Actually this was made easier because they understood why we were in a position to help.

mindutopia · Yesterday 16:26

I inherited about £250k. Never mentioned it to anyone but Dh. Why would I? I have absolutely no idea what friends or family have ever inherited, nor would I enquire.

That said, Dh and I already have a higher than average household income. Friends and family absolutely do pause when the bill comes or expect us to always host Christmas to the tune of an £800 food shopping bill, but bring absolutely nothing. We can generally afford it, but it’s not a nice feeling to never be invited to anyone else’s house, but have them always suggest you host if you ever want to see any family. It is because we have more money and they don’t want to pay for it, but it’s a hell of a lot of work.

SaveMeFromMyBoobs · Yesterday 16:27

I would probably downplay it. Not say anything, do smart things with it. Would probably come out down the line in a 'oh another holiday' kind of way to which I'd downplay to ah 'yeah, DH inherited a bit from his side so he paid off the mortgage. Oh yes it's nice to have mortgage gone but tbh not seeing much difference as we've been stashing most of what we're no longer paying to top up pensions so hopefully we can retire a little earlier, have kept a little for holiday money though' kind of way. Basically did get some, smaller than actual amount but it's all spent so don't ask more about it. Covers bases for retiring earlier later.

Vaxtable · Yesterday 16:29

No

PiffleWiffleWoozle · Yesterday 16:29

No but I would find a way of sharing my good fortune out a bit.

Coconutter24 · Yesterday 16:31

It’s DH that has inherited so it’s upto him if that information is disclosed to anyone. It’s his business not yours and your sister definitely doesn’t need to know

Nousernameideaaga · Yesterday 16:32

No

cantthinkofagoodusername2026 · Yesterday 16:32

I wouldn’t - money (or envy of money) can do strange things to people. I’m basing this on my experience with my extended family though, others may have different experiences

BinBasedKarma · Yesterday 16:34

It's a decision for whoever inherited the money, but there is no obvious downside to keeping quiet about it.

susiedaisy1912 · Yesterday 16:34

no it’s not your business to share.