Would you tell family about inheriting a life-changing sum unexpectedly?

[EugenieGreen]

If you (your DH) had completely out of the blue, inherited a life changing amount of money, would you tell your parents or siblings?

DH and I disagree.

Noooooooo

@EugenieGreen it really depends how much... are you talking 6 figures? High 6? Or 7 figures, again several/ high or just 1?

Certainly not, both sides of the family are greedy and shit with money in equal measures. I'd secure the financial futures of myself & kids first and then discreetly try to pay off debts of siblings.

Would the Partner of the deceased not say something though? Assume they’d have some one dealings with the Estate / possibly expecting some inheritance too. When they realise they aren’t might they tell BIL? Does a will or probate become public record? (And if so will the Partner take a look?)

I dont have a partner and am not close with my family (apart from one relative). I would probably not tell them (apart from the one relative) as they have done nothing for me. I would probably spend it on private health care to improve life for myself without splashing it around. Im not going to run off and buy a mansion or a big flash car.

Yes

Probably would, but I might down play it. They already think I'm much better off than I am.

Different scenario but I’ve just been awarded a large sum for a personal injury claim. I will lose a chunk of it for fees but it’s still a lot of money. My best friend knows I’ve won the case but not how much and I won’t tell her (she didn’t tell me what she got for a big payout for something and I didn’t ask). My DH knows as I’ve consulted him through the whole thing.

We will probably pay the maximum extra payment we can on our mortgage going forward but our lifestyle isn’t going to change anytime soon because of it.

My family have no idea and never will, they won’t get a single penny from me but they wouldn’t give me anything if they came into money either.

I’d feel so betrayed if my DH told anyone about the award, I don’t think I’d ever forgive him. It’s my money, my business (although obviously he’ll benefit from it as is only right).

I just can’t see how we can pull this off

This is because you must intend to spend it more extravagantly than you ordinarily spend your money. Money doesn’t have to be spent. It can be invested, saved, given away, put in trust. Nothing need change to the outside world. Lord of people live modest and happy lives with millions stashed away.

If you’re thinking of suddenly owning three homes within short order of this cousin dying - well no, you won’t be able to pull it off. Of course people will assume that your DH inherited the lot.

I stick with my first post: do nothing for a couple of years. No harm will come of doing nothing, lots of benefits. You’re obviously talking many millions if you’re thinking of owning three homes, one in the states, and paying taxes and maintenance on all three in addition to accountants and lawyers and traveling between all three regularly to enjoy them. Just slow down. Barring illness, there’s no hurry.

That said, if you’re talking tens of millions, this whole conversation is moot because you’ll never be able to keep that quiet!

Or the brother and the cousin had some fall out and this was the cousin’s last move to punish the brother. Seems a very deliberate exclusion.

I think that ultimately as it’s him who inherited, it’s his choice

I would tell my mum because I’d want to make sure she was comfortable, she has helped me a lot financially. But she is the only one I would tell and I would trust her not to tell others.

I would help one other person, a friend who is really struggling financially due to serious illness and no family support.

I know my dh would support and want to do these things too.

I may not say how much the inheritance was but would need to say something to explain why we were suddenly in a position to do this.

No, because my sister's a leech. My parents are elderly now, and they have good pensions, so don't need any financial support, so I wouldn't tell them either. Anything I'd give to them, they'd only give to my grabby sister, who even though she's an adult in her 40's, she still expects our elderly parents to fund her.

I'd keep it private between me and DH.

Your BIL will find out, whether your DH tells him or not. What a weird and unpleasant situation.

It’s called being smart and aware of the consequences of sharing info like this.

you sound a bit naive to believe it will all go swimmingly and everyone will play nice and be grateful for their gifts.

experience has shown a lot of us that this is not the case. For some, the demands, petty barbs and manipulation never ends.

But the will will be publicly available so people are going to find out if you are in the UK.

DH and I have pondered this question before, we wouldn’t tell anyone if the money was won by the other as not our news to tell. DH is sentimental so would want to assist various people. As much as there are some I would like to this would be the indicator of your good fortune so I wouldn’t.

I think I would buy my amazing mansion with indoor swimming pool and a few acres in another area and keep my current house. Any visiting relatives and friends would be received in my current house. If I was off to the Bahamas for a month or whatever I would just say we are going away, I don’t feel the need to post on social media that I would be staying in a ridiculously expensive hotel.

I think some posters are a being a bit naive as money absolutely can cause issues in otherwise happy families. DH and I both come from close families where we get on really well and see each other often but on both sides we have had instances where money has caused problems.

DH has three siblings and had an instance where one of the siblings inherited everything and the others got nothing. The reasoning was that the sibling that inherited was less well off whereas DH and his sisters were more financially comfortable. Sounds ok perhaps on paper but it hurt DH deeply and the one that inherited is bloody terrible with money. There's a longer back story but it felt unfair and caused a lot of hurt.

Was the will made recently? I can only imagine that the deceased had their own reasons for leaving your BIL out of the will.

Unless you are intending to give some away and agree who was getting it I wouldn't tell. If you are going to give some to familyfriends do not say how much you have inheritefld.

Your husband doesnt have to justify how he spends his money. He can just say he doesn't want to discuss money. A lot of people won't talk about money. However, he does need to be aware that after probate, the will does become a public record, so if someone (his brother) wants to fish for information they can get it for £16.

And don't forgot @EugenieGreen a will becomes a public record once probate is granted. If your BiL wanted to he could easily look up this record and see who inherited.

Would it or could it be possible that your dh is actually a child of the person bequeathing to him ?
It seems odd that your bil isn’t getting anything considering they were a wee bit closer.
Or perhaps your bil is also getting a life changing amount but is being as secretive as your dh ?

Receiving an inheritance brings out the worst in people and all of a sudden, every Tom, Dick and Jane will come out of the woodwork asking for money/help etc as they feel they deserve a share.

Would absolutely share with my partner but if the money came from outside the immediate family, not sure I would share.

My brother received an inheritance as part of my parents estate. His wife decided she wanted a divorce a year later and wanted 50% of his inheritance as part of the settlement (plus the house and other investments!) as it was so unfair she hadn't received an inheritance herself. He was heartbroken by this comment and told her he would happily give all the money back if it meant Dad was still around; both her parents are still alive. My Dad treated her as a second daughter which made it even worse (and yes, she did receive a sum of money from his estate the same as my husband did).

Just one thing to be aware of ... in England anyone can "buy" a copy of the probate (confirms the executors and the amount of the estate) along with a copy of the will. I've bought some for my ancestors as I research family history although these all go back several generations (no-one current). Depending on how the will is worded, it may say an amount to X ... so people will know what you've inherited a sum but more commonly, money can be distributed according to a Letter of Wishes which is not included with the will so they may not be able to see who has received what.

It would depend on how much the life changing sum is. Is it enough for you to pay off your mortgage, buy a new car and put over £100,000 away for the future? If so and you'd still have an equal sum left then you could think about treating a very small number of very close family members(parents & siblings) to a few thousand (£10,000 , £25,000??). If not then don't. They won't know if you've paid off your mortgage or invested a large sum of money, and your new car could be on finance. If they know and they perceive you haven't been as generous as they'd have liked then they might get quite rude. Congratulations and good luck for the future whatever you decide to do.

I think it's entirely likely that DH's brother will be curious about the cousin's estate. If he asks, DH would have to lie (presumably) and if he decides to look up the probate certificate, all will be clear. And of course if he finds out for himself and realises that DH has kept him in the dark, all hell will probably break loose.

Sharing the amount with his brother via a deed of variation, is not only the decent thing for DH to do, it's the only way of avoiding a huge rift in the family.