Would you tell family about inheriting a life-changing sum unexpectedly?

[EugenieGreen]

If you (your DH) had completely out of the blue, inherited a life changing amount of money, would you tell your parents or siblings?

DH and I disagree.

So your DH has inherited a huge amount and his brother nothing? Oh dear, that's sounding pretty bad.

Why doesn't your H want your adult children to know anything?

He's seeming a little bit greedy tbh.

It would depend on the relationships. If it's technically DH's inheritance, I'd probably respect his wishes, but we have no reason to keep it a secret, as none of our immediate family are the type to ask or expect freebies from us. I probably wouldn't tell everyone the exact amount, though. If it's the kind of money that allows early retirement and the purchase of multiple homes, I'd assume people will draw their own conclusions.

It does seem a bit odd not to discuss the subject broadly, at least, with your own children. I don't know exactly how much my parents inherited from their parents, though they may have told me. I just don't recall, though I know there was something to inherit.

I think that he is right in that any conversations or gossiping about it will cause jealousy. But you are also right if he suddenly starts buying a couple of houses people are going to wonder. You need to come up with an agreed "story" either you say pension performed well taken some money early, bit of premium bond money, or whatever something believable or you scale back plans about homes elsewhere.

Yes. I'd tell close family and close friends. I think those sorts of relationships should be based on honesty as far as possible and keeping a major event like that secret would feel uncomfortably dishonest to me.

Plus, if it's really life-changing, presumably they would notice your life has changed? You'd have to lie to explain that. I don't fancy that in central relationships.

It would of course depend on the nature of your relationships with your family. If they are very distant or problematic then the above doesn't really apply.

There is no suggestion that BiL bothered with them in order to inherit anything but DH thinks there is potential for resentment.

Did the BIL not inherit then?

It depends on your relationship with them. I know without a shadow of doubt the my mother would never ask me for money so I would probably tell her. I don't really talk to my aunties so I wouldn't bother telling them.

I definitely would not.

Family wouldn’t keep the information private, people would judge everything that you do and every decision going forward that you make. Friends of your family would know. Things get ugly, family dynamics change.

I had a dear friend, a much older wise and much valued lady who died after a short illness.

I witnessed third hand simply as an uninvolved bystander the utterly awful assumptions, comments, discussions and judgements that were going on among other uninvolved village residents about the person inheriting the estate - opinions on how worthy or otherwise they were. Awful and distasteful conversations I overheard from people who had no link to the family.

A frenemy of mine said something very wise - she always simply says “I have enough to pay the bills” to shut down and conversations.

As pp wisely say above, I would just quietly and privately do things to improve the quality of life of family and those close to me, hugely downplaying / refusing absolutely to quote any figures.

Your BIL will find out who his relative left his money to so your dh needs to prepare himself for that conversation.

To answer the original question, I would let the person whose inheritance it is decide. Left to myself I wouldn't really tell anyone unless they asked and then I'd say "yes I inherited a bit". I have several sils/bils and I have no idea what or how much any of them inherited - why would I.

You didn’t inherit, your DH did. If he doesn’t want to tell anyone then you respect his wishes. Also when you say life changing do you mean so much money you can all quit work now or will you be carrying on as before? Your idea of life changing may not be other people’s. If you have inherited millions and will now be permanently on holiday then you may need to explain it, otherwise keep quiet. I inherited unexpectedly and if I thought my DH told his family I would be very upset. It was a chunky sum but not enough for me to quit work. In the same way I don’t discuss how much I earn or my savings with family I would not discuss this.

How could you not if its a really large amount? It's not like they wouldn't notice the bigger house/new car/early retirement.

If it was just enough to pay off our mortgage I probably wouldnt say but that our mortgage is not huge.

Yes! But then unlike most of MN, I quite like my family and we're close!

No absolutely not

I can understand your husband being concerned that it might affect his relationship with his brother. But he doesn't want your children to know either? That's a whole different ball game.

Does he distrust their partners? Does he grudge even the thought that his children might expect to share in his good fortune? What is his reason?

Say nothing to anyone and live your lives!

I'm really close to my family and love them dearly but I still wouldn't tell them. I've heard too many horror stories and I think it can start to complicate matters.

I agree that as it is your DH that has inherited ultimately it's his decision as to what you do or do not share with other people. Of course you need to have a conversation about it but I see where he's coming from.

I think that’s an excellent way to handle it. I would be tempted to start handing out financial gifts but there’s a lot to be said for getting used to having it and thinking about the consequences of having that amount.

No I wouldn’t

I have been in your BiLs position and was so deeply hurt about being left out. Putting the money aside, leaving someone a request is an acknowledgement of your relationship and what the deceased thought about you. Knowing they did not consider you worthy enough to be in their will changes how you perceive the time your spent with them in life. So please don't tell your BiL or other family members. Let him keep his memory of the deceased in tact.
The only proviso to that is, probate is a public record. Any one can look up the record and see a copy of the will of they want to.

Yes I would. I'd give my sister, son and neice some to help them out and I'd tell my brother to swivel and not give him a penny.

So DH has inherited from his family member that his own brother was closer to but his brother has inherited nothing?

I’d say it’s his family and his money, and he likely knows them all better than you. I’d keep my mouth shut if I were you - it’s not anyone else’s business. You might find cheap property in the states and be paying it off as a mortgage for all anyone knows. Why do they need all the ins and outs?

I certainly wouldn’t be asking “Oh, do you own that outright? Hmm, and how much are you making from your investments that allowed you to quit your job?” Hopefully neither will they? And if they do, surely then your DH is absolutely right and the less info you give them the better.

The OP says H has inherited, and they disagree on wether to tell people. It doesn't say that its the OP wanting to tell?
For all we know DH might went to tell his family, and OP is the one wanting to keep it quiet..

Do you mean your DH has inherited and his brother hasn't? If he doesn't want to tell his own family I can see why he wouldn't think it fair to tell yours. I would tell my family, siblings and DC, but obviously not if DH didn't want to. (Actually, I would not want to tell my BiL, DH's brother)

They would spot that a mile off.

Unless you want to suddenly find lots of lost relations no.

No!