AIBU to feel touched out while my husband wants more affection?

[Coraturtle]

Sorry this is long but I don't want to make DH out to be the bad guy because I don't think he is. I just don't know whether I'm being unreasonable or whether this is just another phase of becoming parents.

DH and I are both in our mid/late 30s. We had our first child last year after 9 yrs together and our little boy turns one in August.

I absolutely adore our son but if I'm honest, I've found this first year far harder than I ever imagined. I thought I was prepared but nothing prepares you for how relentless it is. The sleep deprivation, the constant responsibility, worrying about every little thing, never really switching off. I struggled emotionally in the early months and although things are much better now, I still don't feel like "old me."

Throughout all of this DH has genuinely been brilliant. He does his share around the house, gets up with our son at weekends so I can have a lie in, cooks, cleans, changes nappies, does bedtime. He's a very involved dad and I honestly couldn't ask for more in that respect.

The problem seems to be... us.
Before having our son we were one of those couples who were always close. Sitting with our legs over each other on the sofa, holding hands, random hugs in the kitchen, kissing each other goodbye even if it was just popping to the shops. We'd often just sit cuddled up watching TV without even thinking about it. Physical affection has always been a huge part of our relationship.

Now by the end of the day I honestly feel completely "touched out." My son is on me constantly. He's at that age where he wants picking up, climbing over me, pulling himself up on me, wanting feeding, (I’m still breast feeding I want to do it for a bit longer as I feel guilty not doing that) wanting comforting. I spend most of the day with someone physically attached to me. I have gone back to work 3 times a week for now which has been very hard to adjust to.

By the evening I just want to sit down and have a cup of tea without another human touching me for five minutes.

It's not that I don't love DH or don't fancy him. We still have sex fairly regularly (probably once or twice a week on average, sometimes more, sometimes less depending on how shattered we both are). To me that seems fairly healthy considering we have a baby.

But DH says sex isn't really the issue.
He says he misses affection.
According to him I never initiate affection anymore, I move away if he tries to cuddle on the sofa because I say I'm too hot or uncomfortable, I don't randomly kiss him anymore, if he puts his arm round me I tend to carry on scrolling my phone rather than lean into him.

He said recently, "I feel like I have to ask permission just to get a cuddle."
That actually upset me because I hadn't realised he felt that way.
I explained exactly what I've written above, that by bedtime I've had someone touching me literally all day and my body just needs a bit of space. He said he completely understands the concept of being touched out but that he also feels like he's gone from being my partner to just someone who helps run the household.

His words were, "Our son gets every bit of your affection. I get whatever energy you've got left."I didn't really know what to say because in some ways I understand why he'd feel that way, but equally our son is a baby. He literally needs me.

It's not just before sex either. Even afterwards he'll want to lie there cuddling for ages, chatting or just holding each other. Which is lovely in theory, but sometimes all I want is a quick shower, clean pyjamas and to get into bed on my own side and go to sleep. By that point it's often late and I know our son will probably be awake at 6am, I want to have enough energy to go on the exercise bike in the morning because our son wakes up. I feel awful admitting it because I know he's only looking for closeness, but sometimes it genuinely feels like another demand on me when all I want is to switch off.

Another thing he's brought up is that he thinks I've become a much more anxious person since becoming a mum. A few weeks ago we left our son overnight with DH's parents for the first time. Well, technically we were collecting him the following morning because we'd planned dinner, drinks. It was the first proper date we'd had in months.

Dinner was lovely. We laughed, had a few drinks, talked about things other than nappies and for a while it actually felt like us again.
But I'll admit I kept bringing our son up.
I kept saying things like, "Do you think he's had enough milk?", "Should we ring and check he's okay?", "What if he won't settle?" “Why haven’t they sent any pictures of him”, "I can always pump some more when we get back if he needs it."After about the fourth or fifth time DH said, "Can you just relax? He's absolutely fine." I said I was trying.

He then said, "I just want one evening where I feel like I've got my wife to myself without your mind being somewhere else."
Again, I felt guilty because I know exactly what he meant, but I couldn't just switch my brain off. It wasn't that I didn't want to be there with him, I was having a lovely time, but my brain is constantly thinking about our son.

There's probably one other thing that's been bothering me too. Since becoming parents DH seems to be drinking more than he used to. I'm not talking about getting drunk every night, but it's become almost routine for him to have one or two beers after work. On its own I probably wouldn't think much of it, but it's becoming such a habit that I've started noticing it.

Last weekend we were at his parents' house for a family BBQ.His mum had bought me a few summery outfits to cheer me up because she thought they'd suit me, so she asked me to try them on. I came downstairs wearing one of the dresses and everyone was saying how nice it looked.

My SIL smiled and said along the lines of ‘You've snapped back so quickly after having a baby.’
I laughed because I don't really think I have, I've just lost most of the pregnancy weight naturally from running around after an almost one year old.

By this point DH had had far too much to drink. He wasn't just tipsy, he was very drunk.
He smiled and said, "Yeah... shame I barely get to touch her."Everyone laughed but it was one of those really awkward laughs where nobody quite knew what to say.That wasn't even the end of it.Throughout the evening he kept making little comments about how I never cuddle him anymore and how our son gets all my attention. At one point he laughed and said, "I'm jealous of my own son."Again, awkward silence.Then, to my absolute horror, he started talking about our sex life.
He said before we had our son I used to be much more adventurous, that I used to enjoy giving him oral sex, and now "it's just missionary”I wanted the ground to swallow me up.His parents were sitting there. His sister was sitting there.Nobody knew where to look.
My MIL suddenly started clearing stuff, FIL stared at the barbecue, SIL immediately tried changing the subject, BIL and his wife just changed the subject. I don't think anyone found it funny. I think they were embarrassed for me.On the taxi home I asked him why on earth he'd thought that was an appropriate conversation to have in front of his family.
He genuinely seemed surprised that I'd been so upset.

He said he'd only been joking but admitted there was "truth behind every joke."
The next morning he apologised repeatedly. He admitted he'd had far too much to drink, said he couldn't even remember saying some of it and was mortified when I told him exactly what he'd come out with.
He said he'd never intended to humiliate me.
The thing is, I don't actually think he's trying to pressure me. If anything, I think he's genuinely lonely. He says he misses me.

But equally I can't help feeling he's become quite needy. Sometimes it feels like if we're sitting on the sofa he wants to be touching me. If we're in bed he wants to cuddle. If we're walking somewhere he wants to hold hands. It's almost as though he's desperately trying to recreate how we were before the baby, whereas I'm still trying to work out who I even am now.

I also can't ignore the fact that he's drinking more than he used to, and all of these feelings seem to come pouring out once he's had too much.

I feel guilty because I honestly don't know how to give any more than I already am. By the time our son is asleep I've usually been "on duty" for 13 hours and I just want to sit quietly for half an hour.

I don't want every evening to involve sitting on the same sofa under the same blanket holding hands. Sometimes I just want to exist in my own space for a bit.

At the same time I don't want him feeling unloved either because he really has been an amazing husband and father throughout all of this.

In a way I’m still adjusting to motherhood but I also want to keep our relationship. I know these things probably just take time. I’m still in love with him. I’ve just got a whole human that needs me a lot and I don’t know to adjust and be chill.

How has he managed to have a couple of drinks every night? Is it while eating dinner with one hand and feeding baby with the other? Or is it him time? If it’s him time, either on the sofa or at the pub, I’d say to him I’m exhausted by the end if the day, I’ve either run home after work to get back to my family or I’ve been full on parenting for 11 hours at least. You take some time on your own to have a couple of drinks then moan that all my non baby time isn’t for you. Here’s what we will do- for the next month, zero time drinking for you, since it’s made you humiliate me in front of your whole family I’d have hoped you suggested that yourself, and that 30-40 minutes solo for me instead. If it was so minor and made no difference to me then you won’t even notice when I get it instead, but you have some nerve complaining I want some time on my own when you’ve taken yours, and it’s making you a worse husband and dad, less drinking and more parenting while I get some time to breathe for a change. I will also be asleep minimum 6.5 hours (whatever makes sense) before I have to get up. If you want me to be awake and hanging out with you you need to explain first that you’re jumping up at 6 with ds. There are no extra minutes in the day- if you take at one end, ds still takes at the other, and he’s a helpless one year old not a mature adult man who chose to have a child. That’s our plan for not growing apart- a bit more recognition of the load and mutual sharing.

It’s sort of him time. He commutes to London for work twice a week when he’s on the office. Gets a beer for the train home has another one either while cooking or eating. I don’t mind him drinking I just think it’s not bringing out the best in him at the minute as he’s using it as a coping mechanism. Sometimes our son has an early night and DH helps me get the house tidy then after I’m just so tired he wants to cuddle etc but I’m furred I want to sleep as well. It’s a new adjustment before baby we would watch a film together and go to bed similar times.

He told you the problem. He's jealous that you prioritize your 1 year old son over him. He doesn't get the majority of your mental and physical attention like he used to and he resents that enough to threw a tantrum in front of his parents and in laws about it.

He said he gets it, but he doesn't. Tantrums and complaints aren't going to turn you on.

Time will. Alone time. But he's not willing to give you that. He's not taking his child so you can get out to the gym or just even sit on a coffeeshop. He's sitting there having drinks.

You need some time for just you. Between your son and your clingy husband demanding more attention and a varied sex life, you have no gas left in your tank. No one is putting emotional support and physical space in your tank to gas you up. You're drained and burnt out.

He needs to address the drinking. That's not helping anything. Humiliating you by complaining about your sex life in front of his parents, that was a fuckwit move.

I think marital counseling might be helpful here. He is right in one area, you've become so anxious you can't even enjoy an evening out.

I don’t think he’s ’become needy’, and changed, it’s you that’s changed by becoming a parent - as all mums do, we can’t help it, it’s not a bad thing. And he has not changed so he just doesn’t get it. His feelings are perfectly valid and he isn’t wanting to be another need, he’s wanting to share your space like you used to. You word it like he’s another dependent and he isn’t. Neither of you is actually unreasonable, you are just in a challenging patch. Marriage counselling might help but it might also just be sticking by eachother until this phase passes, that’s marriage after all.

Your post took a massive turn there!

I was very sympathetic to your husband when you were saying how you'd stopped being affectionate towards him. I'd find that really upsetting myself. To go from lots to none seems harsh. Can't you give him a little bit?

But then you explained his outrageous comments in front of his family and I thought "Christ! What a dick!"

I'm not going to tell you what to do about it though. There's always plenty of other posters happy to do so.

I see far too many parents who neglect their relationship when a child comes along and then wonder why they end up in the divorce courts.

Your relationship is the bedrock of your entire family. It's literally where your son came from and is the foundation of his world. It can't come first because that's not practical with a young child, but you should both be giving your relationship and each other equal importance to raising your son because if you don't then that foundation cracks and his world falls apart.

A good start is not to try and make a big thing out of it - arranging fancy date nights out is great (and if the opportunity comes along then seize it with both hands!) but showing that you love each other should be done every day in small ways.

From the sounds of it you've both communicated well about how you feel, so now I'd say you need to communicate about how you can start to build that closeness again. What can you both cope with / what do you both want etc, and agree a way forwards from there.

I think you need to make it clear that your priorities are 1) meeting the needs of the child 2) meeting your own needs (sleep, food, rest, peace) and then 3) meeting his needs (social time, affection).

He needs to accept that he's lowest on the list for now. That will change as your child gets older but right now you need to take care of yourself or you will burn out.

If he can't accept that then he isn't a good father or a good husband and he should ask himself why he wants to make himself a priority.

Having a child changes absolutely everything. Your DH is behaving very immaturely, as he’s clearly jealous of his own child. His behaviour at the BBQ was intolerable. The alcohol loosened his tongue but clearly he said what he really thought.

He needs to stop drinking and grow up. Have a frank conversation with him and tell him you’ll feel more affectionate towards him when he behaves like a grown up.

I’m quite sad recently sometimes it’s been quite hard to even find the energy to get out of bed and I’m not exactly sure why I’m so sad. DH wants to do something small for our sons first birthday but I’m just not in the mood I’d rather it was just us there, he’s starting full on nursery in September which I’m nervous about, I worry a lot I never used to be a worrier. I’m constantly anxious even at work being back there hasn’t been a day where I haven’t cried in the toilets not work related at all. I’m just sad. I love my son so much but since having him I’m like a completely different person I thought I’d get myself back soon enough. I’ve joined a few mum groups and we go for coffee etc they all seem very happy and I compare myself a lot.

DH and I thought we’d always have two just i’m not too sure about that anymore.

I posted on here just for an outlet. It’s taken me a while to just admit that I am sad and it’s okay to be sad I just wish I could cure this sadness

I think you need to see your GP and tell them about this. Crying every day in the toilets at work is not normal and nor should you accept it as such.

You can cure this sadness if you engage with the right help.

I think it’s good you posted. This isn’t just a feeling necessarily, it’s something you should talk to your gp about. I think it’s likely to be partly overwhelm, and partly feeling like your husband doesn’t see you anymore, he just sees what he wants from you. We can’t tell from here if he was always this person and you had enough time to care for yourself that it wasn’t such a big deal, or if he too is having a blip he needs to snap out of to get back to the man who genuinely thinks you matter.

Thank you. I just don’t want to overwhelm people around me. I think it’s just postpartum depression some what normal in a way. I’m not sure what can be done to help me. I feel as though it’s something that just takes its time and the older my son gets the better things will be.

It’s not ‘just’ anything op. If you were sitting on the floor with a broken ankle would you say it will get better eventually, no need to do something about it? Please go see your gp. Why shouldn’t you get help? You don’t have to need help forever. But you also don’t have to do this stage without help.

He wasn’t like that I think it’s been hard on him as well to watch me so sad. He does try but I’m not the most receptive right now. The alcohol is new he didn’t drink that much certainly not at family BBQs and talking about our sex life like that really hurt me he knows and has apologised multiple times.
I don’t know what’s wrong with me I just assume it’s depression. Despite that I still put my sons needs first and try my best
, we have lots of support from his family and my family we aren’t in our own but sometimes I do refuse help not on purpose I just want to feel as though I’m taking care of my son as he’s mine I don’t want to get too used to help constantly.

You are right. I have considered speaking to my gp DH has said I should too. I’m just scared and ashamed.

You need to see your GP and be assessed for Post Partum Depression/Anxiety.

Crying in the work bathroom daily is not normal. There's help available for you.

Part of your problem is that you have two babies, not just the one.

Go to the GP about your sadness.

There's nothing to be ashamed of, postpartum depression is common but it doesn't affect everyone so it's not just something that everyone experiences, it's a serious condition which can be helped. It takes a while to feel better so the sooner you see the GP the better. Give them a call in the morning.

Being totally touched out (common feeling when breastfeeding!) totally normal. Being anxious when not with your son (at work and at the meal) - missing him even though it’s so tiring at this age and you do fancy a break!! - totally normal. Yeah it’ll get better as he grows and goes off to play more. Yes he’ll settle into nursery fine (as will you when you see him happily reaching for a nursery worker!) And yes it’s normal to feel anxious when our child first goes to others/nursery and be thinking how they are without us, you’ve been inseparable for quite a while now.
Mums should be paid full time to be at home (if they want it) for 2y IMO - probably for the first 1000 days tbh. Can I ask, are you happy being back at work? (Some mums love the independence ‘feel like me again’ some mums feel emotionally better being at home).

Ah yes, your husband's emotional needs. Your child is only nearly 1y. It’s early days. The first few years are exhausting, of course you’re touched out. It’s not forever you’ll feel like this and if husband more patient, you would have naturally warmed back up to affection as your son began more independent play etc (not hanging off your hip!) your husband’s neediness has become another ‘task’ for you, I get it/seen it. You can either consciously give him some attention (random quick kiss while cooking, cuddles as you walk past during day etc) or talk it through saying it’s not forever and you love him so much, it’s not a rejection.

If you feel you have PD though, please do talk to your GP or health visitor.

Can DH step up and be solely responsible for baby a couple of nights a week and weekends - do everything, not just help.
You go out and do something you enjoy - there is life apart from baby.
Then DH might appreciate how demanding hours with baby can be and you get to see the world is still out there.

Or translation - I read about a lot of men going about their day in exactly the same way as they did before they had a child as if nothing has changed, whereas for the mother everything has changed.

If men can't get with the programme and realise that life changes and relationships change then yes they very well will end up being divorced.

Maybe he should grow the fuck up and realise that he is not the number one priority and a woman with a tiny clingy child does not want constant fondling by her partner.

They are still have sex twice a week, what more does he want, fucking bells on it? He needs to grow the fuck up, fast.

I'd just tell him point blank that the daily drinking and whining has to stop. You're hardly going to want to be intimate with some one who stinks of beer every night and moans like a toddler about not getting his own way. It's hardly sexy is it?

Life changes after having DC, it just seems his thinking hasn't caught up.

You said something in you thread op about never switchingbiff and constantly worried. This is really relatable for me . Do you think you may have a anxiety disorder that needs some treatment ? Maybe your constantly overthinking that your in your own head . It's hard having children cos you think that once they are birthed that's it worry over in reality itnjust unlocks awhile new world of worry that cam take over and become irrational and the whole focus of your life to the point you live in a state of constant hypervigilance. If that's the case your overwhelmed and just wan to be left to process with your thoughts . Also I get he som constantly wanting attention that being touched by your husband becomes sensory overload . Honestly you just sound overwhelmed right now

It’s good you posted . What you’ve says isn’t ‘wrong’. His feelings are not either.

of course you change when you become a mum - however, you can and should still be a person in your own right. And that’s the not your husband wants back. Seek support on that. If you make your like 100% about your child you’re on dangerous path to your next post being? Help I’ve been blindsided by my husband having an affair.

and btw that won’t be your ‘fault’ but you’ll be party responsible by not addressing the issues he’s vocalising, you need to nip these in the bud before they become resentments on both sides.

yes you’re a mum but you’re an individual and a wife too which get forgotten