Would this put you off sex with your husband ?

[wouldthis]

He often talks about how we don’t have sex enough and if only we could have sex more, he’d be happier. Less grumpy, he’d stop smoking etc.

he says he doesn’t care if I work or make money as long as I have sex with him regularly.

this was a recent comment as I changed my work life recently and I’m not making as much. I stepped away from a corporate role.

he just makes these comments and I just don’t feel great about them. If I say no, he gets in a mood, which I hate.

I basically never want to do it and just do it to keep the peace.

we don’t do it that often, once or twice a week.

am I normal that the attitude just puts me off ?

What is the alternative OP?

The smoking is gross if you dont do it yourself.

It sounds like you should just leave him to be honest
life is so short why be stuck with someone who gives you the ick? What is the point of that?

He sounds very shallow. Is he older than you by any chance?

It’s not you. It’s him.

he’s made himself undesirable to you and is doing nothing about that.

I look at my DH and I get butterflies in my tummy. I want to be intimate with him.

He never, ever “asks” or demands sex. It just happens!

That’s a very strange way to look at your situation op. Divorce is absolutely a big deal but you’re not responsible for his happiness, where did you get that notion? What is he doing to build the relationship? It sounds like it’s important that you please him. Again where did this come from? You don’t need to answer here if you don’t want to but please consider these questions because it sounds like it’s all about him, no mention of you in the big picture.

"I’m just dead inside for sex with him. I’m trying to understand why ? Whether it’s his attitude? Whether it’s just marriage ? Whether I want something new and shiny now and want to feel that spark again.
or whether I’m broken ? Is it me ?"

I do not think it is necessarily to do with you, it's you and him together.

"I was summoned to countless chats about it a few years ago, where we tried to get to the bottom of it. It didn’t really explain much."

This sounds really grim, it seems he is putting all the onus on you.

"I have to say one weird thing is that my body does respond positively sometimes but my mind still doesn’t want to give in. It’s like a mental block around allowing myself to enjoy it."

I am wondering if he had done something in the past to cause a mental block for you, or if someone else has done something. This could be a cause but I would strongly suggest you get some counselling, just for you, to work out what you want, you need, what is right for you.

I am not an expert and this may not be the case at all, but better to find out this stuff away from him, I think, IMHO.

"I do not think it is necessarily to do with you, it's you and him together."

By this I mean with a different man, things may be totally different.

But either way it is affecting you.

You do realise what you have written above is the thoughts of someone being abused and being forced to have sex with someone they don't want to have sex with?

If sex isn't pleasurable, then you don't do it.

If he gets in a mood because you said no, then that's just nasty and disrespectful, and it's not surprising that you don't want to have sex with someone who behaves like that.

You need to tell all this to your DH. Tell him that you get no enjoyment out of sex with him because he makes it feel like you're being forced to do it or endure his moods.

Unless you tell him exactly how his behaviour makes you feel, then there is no way forward from this.

Oh he knows. And it is.

Do you understand what enthusiastic consent means?

Whenever I think I need to find a partner it’s nice to realise I never feel any pressure to have sex I don’t want to have.

“Females”

”Man”.

He sounds awful op.

OP you haven’t said if things are different now to when you first got together.

😆

Yeah your husbands a fucking pig 🙃

What crap. Have you read the op posts. I’m guessing you’re male

Given my previous post on this thread on enthusiastic consent, I'd say I do.

We don't actually know what he knows. OP might have hidden her disgust quite well. We just don't know. And I'm uncomfortable with calling this rape, because then what do we call the experiences of women who have been beaten up, physically held down, and physically forced? I feel that calling this rape takes away from the horror of their experiences in making the two things equivalent.

That said, it sounds coercive. It really depends if OP felt able to say no. Did she go along for a quiet life (hardly ideal, but still a choice) or go along because she was scared not to? (Not a choice.)

Yeah, same here. The sexual "obligation" that many women face in marriage is a big part of the reason I never want to marry again.

Why would someone who loves you want / expect you to have sex with him even if you didn’t want to? And will happily have sex with you regardless of your pleasure. I’d say your lack of desire is less about your libido and more about the fact that your dh behaviours in a way that is deeply unattractive.

And???

There is no way I would stay married to a man like this - unless he’d changed pretty quickly after I gave him the mother of verbal onslaughts about how he behaves towards me.

There’s nothing surprising about why you feel this way - it’s perfectly understandable because he’s a selfish, entitled bastard.

Your relationship is dead OP and it sounds like it's been dead for years. The question is really how many years of your life you're prepared to waste in this dead relationship just because getting divorced is hard and this stinking smoker who you hate having sex with will be 'disappointed in you'?

Is he any good at it? Maybe you’re not up for it because it hasn’t been that fulfilling in the past. If this is the case, I’d recommend letting him know sooner rather than later.

I have absolutely no idea why you are still with this disgusting man.