Would this put you off sex with your husband ?

[wouldthis]

He often talks about how we don’t have sex enough and if only we could have sex more, he’d be happier. Less grumpy, he’d stop smoking etc.

he says he doesn’t care if I work or make money as long as I have sex with him regularly.

this was a recent comment as I changed my work life recently and I’m not making as much. I stepped away from a corporate role.

he just makes these comments and I just don’t feel great about them. If I say no, he gets in a mood, which I hate.

I basically never want to do it and just do it to keep the peace.

we don’t do it that often, once or twice a week.

am I normal that the attitude just puts me off ?

But her wanting it did. That's what she asked about. Unless he's got money and she thought he'd do as the father of the babies she wanted, there was a time when he wanted sex with him. Or, as I asked, it was an arranged marriage. She's kept having sex to stay in the marriage, it's a choice. For some reason she never communicated with him. He would have, quite rightly, ended the marriage. She never gave him that option. She has had agency. She's chosen to stay. We owe our spouse honesty and if we can't be honest, then that's a reason to end things.

Having sex once a decade is too much if you don’t want it. I don’t know how you can bear it twice a week, he sounds horrible, please leave him.

Guessing he’s pressured you into it so many times it’s actually totally put you off it with him perhaps for life now
understanably as it’s isnsexual cohersion
its illegal

Ask Him how he would feel if you said want to fuck him up the ask with a strap on for half an hour several times a week and if he doenst let you get all moody with him
tell him not to worry about the pain
you can use some lube

see his face react to that

i suspect you’ll be put off him for life for being a bit rapey also
sex is not a need

Also ask him why he wants to have sex with someone what doenst want to have sex with him

then ask him if he understands consent
and show him the tea video on YouTube

Instant ick

For some reason she never communicated with him. He would have, quite rightly, ended the marriage. She never gave him that option.

Huge assumption you made there. Many women do tell their partners they don't want sex or that they have no libido after kids etc but their partner still wants sex anyway.

You'd think that they would end the marriage, but many don't and just keep badgering for sex. The internet is full of stories like this.

She said years ago she it was almost completely unbearable, she would scream in her head, clench her teeth and the dread was unbelievable. There's no way on this earth he didn't know she didn't want it. He might not have known it was as bad as it was but he obviously knew she wasn't enjoying it.

Does he know how you feel about sex with him?

It is usual to have sex in a relationship. Having sex when you don’t really want to in order to keep the peace, which is what you imply, is horrible. Not having sex is horrible too.

I never wanted sex ever again when I started the menopause. Once my hormones settled, the desire came back.

Of course he knows, firstly there's no way you can't feel how tense somebody's body is if they are clenching their teeth. Secondly, why would he be trying to bargain with her (smoking) if he thought she already wanted sex?? He knows, he just couldn't give a shit.

And to people saying why doesn't he leave if he isn't getting enough sex (boak). Unfortunately, I've heard it from the horses mouth recently, men will prioritise regular sex (and once to twice a week is regular) over a dry spell of six months where he has to find and programme another sex bot.

She says she still wants sex but not with him. I think she's had her head turned somewhere.

I’m so sorry @op

I had an ex like this. I also thought it was me - my body literally physically seized up to the point sex was very painful - I didn’t understand why. Eventually I found a GP who would help, I went for therapy and realised it was not anything physical but because I was so repulsed by him and how desperate and needy for sex he was but somehow I still loved him and my conditioning to provide sex or “services” as he called it 🤢🤮 was very strong

Anyway, you don’t have to put up with it. Your body is screaming at you to leave this horrible disgusting sex pest and not to let him touch you but you are trying so hard to keep him happy you’ll do it. What kind of selfish awful
man must be be to have sex with you when he can tell you don’t want to. It’s horrible.

Well you should tell him you'd want it more if it was good! No sane person would refuse something that gives them pleasure, so I'd imagine this "sex" is all about him, and doesn't deliver not much for you?

I would also explain that, for a woman, he has to measure up for you to want him. Being a grumpy controlling cunt rarely works.

You are not his sex toy or some kind of a therapy device.

Ahh, sorry OP. I was married for a long time and it showed me how very important sex is for many men. The pressure in marriage for many women to satisfy that sex drive is a big part of the reason I would not want to be married again. I kind of wish that women were "warned", for want of a better word, what we're getting into when we marry. Oftentimes, it boils down to us feeling obliged to satisfy the sex drive of this person when we often don't want it ourselves. Sometimes I feel it would be better if women and children just lived with other women and children, and the menfolk visited occasionally! I bet that's why marriage has endured as the organising structure of society - because men think it's the best way they can regularly get their end away.

God, my exH always wanted it right in the middle of the day, after I'd got showered and dressed and was right in the middle of daytime things. It was SO annoying. He'd say, in this breathy, fake, film-style voice, "Come into the bedroom with your husband..." 🤮 There was just nothing sexy about it at all, and who the hell thinks that 1.30pm is a sexy time of day anyway?

Then later on, he withheld sex for half a year at a time, to "punish" me, and that was horrible too as it meant no cuddling or kissing as well.

Bottom line, navigating sex within marriage is a tricky, tricky business. Would you consider splitting up with him? I know that would bring other problems, but just think of the delight of never, ever having to sleep with him again, as long as you live!

This is beyond grim. Another vote for leave him. And tell him, in the meantime, no more sex. This isn’t something you have to put up with.

When you mentioned enthusiasm, this is where the kink community has something to teach us. Have a friend who had such a partner once, and she reported back that consent for the various, um, activities, was not enough. Each partner had to be enthusiastically consenting. So being like "Given a choice, I'd rather have a cup of tea, but actually I don't really mind, and anyway, making you happy makes me happy" wouldn't cut it. Being a good sport for the sake of the relationship - no. She said if both parties weren't enthusiastically consenting, things didn't happen.

I feel if more men cared about their partner's enthusiastic consent, many marriages would be much happier.

Is that fair? She does consent outwardly, and he probably has no idea how much she doesn't want it. So I'm not sure I'd call it rape.

I think I agree with this.

OP, if you dislike having sex with him this much, I really think you should split up.

Exactly. Stop having sex you don't want and let the cards fall where they may.

Strong words.

He may have no idea how much she doesn't want it.

Does he ever try to engage in conversation with you about what he can do that might make your sex life better for you or is it just all about him? From what you've said it sounds like he's just stating the problem and then that's as far as his thought process goes. You deserve better than that.

I was summoned to countless chats about it a few years ago, where we tried to get to the bottom of it. It didn’t really explain much.

I have to say one weird thing is that my body does respond positively sometimes but my mind still doesn’t want to give in. It’s like a mental block around allowing myself to enjoy it.

It's not weird, no one likes being coerced!

That’s physiology and probably how you know you aren't opposed to sex, just sex with him. it can cause confusion and make you doubt your feelings but it’s absolutely not a reason to think that his behaviour is acceptable. It’s 100% not ok and your gut is telling you that, listen to it.

But getting divorced is such a big deal ! He’d be so heartbroken and dissapointed in me.

The other way round Id think. You are the one who is heartbroken and disapointed in his horrible behaviour.
Tell him no more sex until he has actually given up smoking because you find his stinking smokers breath makes you sick and see how he feels about that.