Would this put you off sex with your husband ?

[wouldthis]

He often talks about how we don’t have sex enough and if only we could have sex more, he’d be happier. Less grumpy, he’d stop smoking etc.

he says he doesn’t care if I work or make money as long as I have sex with him regularly.

this was a recent comment as I changed my work life recently and I’m not making as much. I stepped away from a corporate role.

he just makes these comments and I just don’t feel great about them. If I say no, he gets in a mood, which I hate.

I basically never want to do it and just do it to keep the peace.

we don’t do it that often, once or twice a week.

am I normal that the attitude just puts me off ?

absolutely this!

A sexless life is very grim , ok for some, but not for everyone. It's on him, it's not on you!

YANBU. I would want zero sex with this man.
How dare he pressure and bribe and guilt-trip you. This is abusive, coercive and disrespectful. Your main function in life isn’t to be his sex toy.
also once or twice a week I would say is high average.
I would certainly be planning my exit so you can live in peace away from this pestering bastard.

He's a sex pest. And he's basically saying that your main or only value to him is providing sex on demand. So yes, that's a turnoff, but - it seems like you've been (understandably) disgusted by him for some time. Are you hoping he'll somehow revert back to whatever he was like before he was a gross misogynistic arsehole, and if so do you really believe that can happen?

I would stop having unwanted sex. You have the right to say no and not be pestered incessantly. If that ends the relationship, so be it.

I put yabu.

1. Unreasonable to do it at all times keep the peace.

1. To stay with this sulky man child when you deserve so much better.

I was just hoping that I could just put up with it for the sake of keeping the family together but I’ve recently realised that I am not actually sexually dead inside. I’m just dead inside for sex with him. I’m trying to understand why ? Whether it’s his attitude? Whether it’s just marriage ? Whether I want something new and shiny now and want to feel that spark again.

or whether I’m broken ? Is it me ?

It’s because nobody is turned on by a rapist.

I am so sorry, OP. I think this sounds like a therapy/counselling problem.

He's a sex pest and coercive sex is rape.
This has been going on for years and now your body is physically repulsed by him.
Hardly surprising as it has been coercive sex, which is rape.

I think you need to talk to someone.
This cannot continue.
Your mental health is at risk.

I think his behaviour has caused the end of your marriage.
He sounds vile.

You'd have to look back to when you first stopped wanting it. Was it physical, tiredness after having your last child etc? Then did him being grumpy cut off affection and kindness and things just carried on? Why wasn't there better communication from both of you? Without physical/health reasons for sex stopping, it's usually a symptom, not the cause of a marriage that's failing.

Sex didn’t stop.

The OP has been continually coerced into sex and, understandbly, now finds the serial rapist to whom she is married to be repulsive.

He’d stop smoking if you have more sex? What’s the correlation there? Oh right, emotional manipulation and sexual coercion.

OP you have been having non-consensual sex for years. There is a word for that. There is absolutely no way your husband is not aware of this, and he doesn’t care. He has been raping you.

Um, what? He sounds like a fucking rapist. I'm nauseous reading this.

To be honest… I wouldn’t feel valued enough to fancy having sex with someone who instead of making an effort to get you interested, from helping with the house to probably date nights at least a couple of times a month is acting resentful because you only want to have sex twice a week??? As if it was his right and your obligation?
Many people do not even manage that especially when young kids are around.

Did you used to enjoy sex? With anyone else?

Have you explained to him that you hate having sex with him, and that you only do it to stop him sulking?

What kind of person would want to have sex with someone that had to grit their teeth to get through it.

This behaviour would make me drier than the sahara desert and Id divorce a man that smoked. Still if he smokes it will mean he'll be impotent soon.

He’s a pest.

2 x per week is ok?

I would hate for my h to equate all those things like not working etc as long as we had enough sex. So transactional.

That seems so transactional and manipulative. No wonder you don't want to touch him. Placing the blame on you for him being a twat is obviously going to make you resent him which has the natural consequence of you not eating to have sex with him.

@wouldthis

1-Sex should never be a bargaining chip, period. This goes both for "I'll give you sex if you...." and "If you give me sex I will....". Both are equally wrong.

He uses sex as a bargaining chip for things he thinks you want. Can you see how wrong this is?

2-Here is a great truth my mum told me about sex; It should be a 'joyous coming together' of husband and wife (being born in 1922 marital sex was the only sex, God love her!) as an expression of their love. But her meaning was clear, both people should be eager and happy to have sex. No one should have sex when they don't want to for any reason.

You say you have been known to 'grit your teeth' to get through it. Can you see how wrong this is?

You indicate that you only feel this way about him. So I'll assume you feel sexual desire in some form for some male of the species, even if it's a 'crush' on a film star. If this is so then it's time to leave. Actually, it's time to leave anyway. Both of you deserve to have the sex life (or lack thereof) that each of you want.

You don’t want to have sex with him. It’s kind of the start and end of it

That’s not a failing on your part. You just don’t want to have sex with them anymore, and that’s fine. It happens. You need to move on You can’t put yourself through this any longer

You find the repulsive and his behaviour really isn’t helping

Have you met someone else? I only ask because you said you had a recent sexual awakening.

I went through something similar but when I stepped back I realized it was less about awful sex and more about the control and abuse I was ignoring.

When my head was turned I looked into why.

It’s not you, it’s him.
This sounds utterly horrific.
Please please speak to someone and extricate yourself & your kids away from this man.
My heart goes out for you.
Sweetheart - this is rape. How can he do this to you over & over?
Get legal advice, get away from him then get some therapy .

Do both of you a favour and have an honest conversation about it. If it's a deal breaker for either of you, walk away. Life's too short

You don’t have to do it. Yes the moody, passive aggressive, horrible feeling in the air will be unbearable. But saying no, not doing it, might reveal to you his worst side and give you the breakthrough reason you need to leave him.
If you’re just waiting for something terrible enough to happen so that you can give yourself your own permission to separate…. Don’t have sex when you don’t want to.