AIBU to feel like my holiday has been ruined before we’ve even gone?

[Heathercost]

AIBU to feel like my holiday has been ruined before we’ve even gone?
My husband’s mum and her partner suggested that we all book a cottage in Wales together because they said they wanted to spend some proper time with us as a family.
We booked the cottage for me, my husband, our three children, his mum and her partner. It only sleeps seven, so it was booked for exactly the seven of us.
His mum has now invited another child to come for the whole holiday. Because the cottage only sleeps seven, her partner is now going to sleep in their camper van at night so that the child can take her place inside the cottage.
What makes this harder for me is that his mum and her partner don’t spend a huge amount of time with our three children. They already spend far more time with the child they have invited and are very close to her.
This holiday was their idea. They were the ones who said they wanted to go away with us and spend time with our family. I work full time and have very limited annual leave, so taking a week off is a big thing for me. It now feels as though I’m using that precious time on a holiday that has been completely changed from what I agreed to.
I had already made it clear that I didn’t want anyone else coming. I had also specifically spoken about our last family camping trip and how badly that went.
On that trip, several adults essentially dropped their children at the campsite and then went off to enjoy a relaxing week themselves. The children were left crammed into everybody else’s tents and camper vans, and the adults who had actually stayed at the campsite ended up looking after them all.
I had already said I did not want to be put in that position again. I had that conversation only weeks before this happened, which is partly why I feel so ignored.
The child was asked if she wanted to come and initially said no. I thought that should have been the end of it. Instead, it was brought up again, and she eventually agreed. His mum and partner now feels guilty and wishes they didn’t invite her but it’s done now.
I even suggested that they could simply explain that they had spoken to me and, because of my health and everything that has happened recently, I really needed the holiday to be focused on spending time with my own children. They chose not to do that.
I have PoTS and reactive hypoglycaemia and struggle with dizziness, blackouts, weakness, fatigue and my heart rate shooting up when I stand.
More recently, I was taken into hospital with stroke-like symptoms, including slurred speech, numbness and weakness down one side. Thankfully, a stroke was ruled out, but I’m still experiencing weakness in my arm and leg and problems with my speech at times. I’m now waiting for neurological investigations and neuro physiotherapy.
After such a frightening and exhausting time, I genuinely needed this break. I wanted to use my limited time away from work to spend time with my husband and children, and I hoped the children would finally get some proper time with their grandparents too.
Instead, I now feel as though the focus will mainly be on the child they have invited, because she is the child they already spend the most time with. They have changed the sleeping arrangements and moved one of the original adults out of the cottage to make sure she can come.
It isn’t that I dislike the child, because I don’t, and none of this is her fault. My issue is entirely with the adults. They invited another child onto a holiday that was already full, despite knowing I didn’t want anyone else coming and despite the fact that this was supposed to be their opportunity to spend time with us and our children.
I’m also worried that I’ll end up helping to look after her. If she becomes upset, plays up, wants to go home or needs lots of attention, it will affect the entire holiday. If there are any major problems, her mum will need to come and collect her. I cannot take responsibility for another child while managing my health and looking after my own three.
I feel like I have no choice but to go, put a smile on my face and make sure my children have a lovely time. They’ve been looking forward to it and would be devastated if we cancelled. It wouldn’t be fair for them to lose their holiday because of a decision they had no part in.
But for me, it no longer feels like the holiday I agreed to use my annual leave for. I’m not looking forward to it anymore. It feels like a waste of the very limited time I get off work, and I feel resentful, anxious and hurt that the one boundary I clearly set was ignored.
I’ve decided that after this I won’t agree to any more family holidays, camping trips or similar gatherings, because I don’t trust that the same thing wouldn’t happen again.
AIBU to feel this was unfair, particularly when the holiday was their idea because they claimed they wanted to spend time with us and our children?

Absolutely no way. If the GP want to take the niece away they can do that in nearby accommodation perhaps or on an entirely different trip.

This cottage is primarily for you, DH and your kids. The GPs were invited but they’ve changed the rules. That’s the end of the matter.

you’re a grown up and his parents have no right to determine who goes on the holiday you’ve arranged, or to police who speaks to the niece/ sister. I’d be absolutely furious.

I would go but I would do things with just my family during the day and the grandparents can look after the other child. Then met up in the evening

i would not even tell them what I would be doing each day just a we are getting in the car and will decide

Of course she doesn’t have to suck it up. Her dh should stop playing patty cake with his horribly enmeshed family and call his sister directly and tell her you are not taking the niece with you.

Do you not see that OP ‘s husband’s family operates on classic toxic family rules? MIL favours her loser dd and her children (golden child) and treats her own ds (OP’s dh) as the utility child whose job /assets/money/family belong to MIL and golden child. MIL triangulates between them (don’t call the child’s mother is also classic as it divides dh from his sister and makes MIL the gatekeeper).

The only way out is for OP and her DH to prioritize themselves snd their children. This is an absolute necessity given OP’s health and work issues.

Just refuse to be part of this constant drama triangle go around where you are always called to “rescue” SIL/child or accused of “persecuting “ them.

That's a shocking breach of your boundaries.

Your DH's mum and partner are shits of the finest kind.

I would be so livid.

You are unwell. You have a chronic condition. You need to rest and yet they've sacrificed your health for the sake of difficult child.

It's completely unreasonable.

I agree, uninvite the DM and partner.

If they have to come I'd put them all in the camper van. It was their choice to bring her. She should sleep there at least with the partner. She shouldn't be allowed in the house at all.

I’d personally stand my ground on this. They are walking all over you and will continue to do so until you refuse to accept it. It’s just not on. They don’t want to upset anyone else but couldn’t give a fig about your feelings.
My redline would be that I am not holidaying with any other children. So options are:
If they paid, they go with her and you get your credit card out and book another cottage far away from them.
If you paid, tell them they are invited but she is not. Would they rather come without her or not go at all? Obviously they will insist on coming with her so then I’d just cancel the booking. Personally I’d do that even if I couldn’t get my money back just to make the point that they cannot ignore my wishes.
If you shared costs, ask them if they want to pay you the difference so they go alone or offer them the difference and they don’t go.
Lastly, if it was all agreed in some way that the child would not be coming, and they turned up with her anyway!!! which it sounds like they would totally do, I still would not accept it. Options include to not give them keys and access to the cottage and just go out until late so they have to go back home, (and oh yes I would, they have treated me with such disrespect I would blow up the relationship entirely) or if money is no object have a last minute alternative in your back pocket option not too far away and leave them to it. I appreciate some of these options are expensive so may not be realistic but I would NOT be holidaying with that child. Even if as a last resort I had to upset my own children and drive back home.
You only need to go to these lengths once and next time you won’t be ignored (if there is a next time).

This OP. Look up the drama triangle. It explains it so well. the DM is not being fair at all.

“We have. I even said we won’t go. And then get bombarded with please go.”

At which point you should say I absolutely will not go unless you can guarantee the child won’t be there, take it or leave it.

Actually this is a brilliant way out OP. They can't just add people and have extra people on site. No property has insurance for that.

I'd say you'll be calling the owners to let them know that one your party is planning to bring extra person so they KNOW this is a red line once and for all.

I can't believe also they have the cheek to bombard you with texts saying 'please come' to your OWN HOLIDAY. It's so gas-lightingly awful.

I totally understand this op. We had a similar situation years ago were MIL invited her favourites after everything was arranged. At the time she spent huge amounts of time with this child and her parent but virtually none with our kids. It changed the dynamic of the holiday totally to our kids barely getting a look in let alone any time with there grandmother. We had invited her so she could get to spend quality time with dh and our kids. We have never invited her again on holiday. However in your situation I would say stick to your guns and do not under any circumstances care for this child. You didnt invite them and are not responsible for them. If the adults who took her go to leave without her a prompt "ohh x needs to go with you as you are the one who is caring for her". Alternatively you leave with your dc when they all take off. You are not responsible for this child they are.

Honestly, I would rescind the offer to the Grannies. Take this holiday as one with your children. You could even use the excuse that you checked with the holiday let and you are over capacity because of fire regs and they will not let an extra person sleep in the drive in a van. It’s the original booking without horror niece or you will just take your own family without them. Please do it. It will ruffle some feathers initially but you will be grateful in the end.

I had a holiday like this a few years ago. Summer of 2020. Things just started to open back up after the first lockdown. I had been at home for months with a toddler trying to homeschool my 7 year old while trying to work my FT job and hold onto my sanity. In the middle of lockdown, totally unrelated to COVID, I found out some family secrets that totally blew my family apart and I ended up having to go NC with my mum (my only living family member, other than Dh and my dc). Literally my entire life fell apart while I was trying not to lose my job and stuck in the house with 2 children all day (Dh had to work out of the home to keep our family business from going under). And then I was under investigation for IBD at the time as well and was quite poorly.

We booked a much needed holiday to Wales and I was so completely broken by the time we got there. Holiday cottage was about an hour from BIL and his partner. We made plans to meet them for a day out the day after we got there. Up they bloody pulled with their camper van and announced, surprise!! They were just going to stay with us at our holiday cottage for the week! Dh is a people pleaser and didn’t know what to say. I was literally so broken that I couldn’t even speak. I just poured another glass of wine.

I spent the entire week of the holiday I so desperately needed cooking meals for my new house guests and doing extra shops because we didn’t have enough food or alcohol for 2 extra adults for 7 days. They didn’t so much as buy a takeaway the entire time. Just sat back in my holiday cottage drinking my drinks and eating my snacks and didn’t help, didn’t offer money, just waited to be cooked their dinners. I was completely at breaking point and that week tipped me over the edge.

Our relationship has never been the same again and I avoid them as much as possible now. They have form for this. Show up at Christmas for a week at ours with a 4 pack of beer and a pack of crisps and eat for 7 days like it’s an AI resort, and then announce at the end that they’ll stay an extra two days as having such a lovely time. They aren’t invited for Christmas anymore either, but that holiday really was the tipping point. Don’t be me. I wish I’d told them to bloody well do one with their bloody camper van!

@Heathercost you really haven’t stood up for yourself as well as you think you have. Do you honestly believe that SIL or PIL would be scared to say a firm no to you if the situation was reversed? These people know how to manipulate and bully you and you let them get away with it. Nothing will change until you are prepared to be more assertive.

So you’ve paid in full? Easy then. You uninvite MIL, partner and other child. With your health issues you need a break with just DH and your kids. You’re sorry to disappoint, yadda yadda yadda, but you’re sure that they’ll find another cottage for their holiday. Doesn’t sound like you’ll miss out much from stepping back from the relationship.

I'd also think about once there, what are the chances of MIL and her DP going off and leaving you to look after the child, will you be able to stand your ground and insist that that is not going to happen?

Will MIL decide she wants to sleep in the campervan with her DP instead of spending the week sleeping apart and leave the DC inside with you.

PPers that have suggested looking at the T&C's of the booking have a very good point. I'd look into whether a campervan and an extra person using the facilities inside the rental is allowed.

Your SIL is a cheeky fucker of the first order by the sounds of it. And nobody has the right to tell you that you can't contact her and tell her that her daughter is not, and never has been, invited, so she needs to stay at home.

Failing this, you really need to disinvite your MIL, her partner and the niece and tell them you are going without them, end of story. Just go and enjoy the holiday with your kids and husband. Enjoy the extra space and peace and quiet and go at a slower pace. Having the others there will not be a holiday for you, and your kids probably won't get a look in with MIL anyway.

I'd email the holiday company and ask if you're allowed to bring an extra person to sleep in a campervan outside. When they inevitably say no send a screenshot to your in laws and say they'll have to explain to child that they invited her when she couldn't come.

It's on them.

I feel like you’re projecting.

The niece is not the golden child.

She obviously has a shit home life and MIL feels sorry for her so invited her like she had already invited OP and her family (people keep seeming to miss that part).

If the MIL favoured her DD or niece and disliked DH/OP so much then why would they invite them - they would have left them out completely and just took DD and GDD on holiday with them.

OP and her family did not have to agree to going with MIL.

It’s one extra child.
I think posters are being incredibly selfish to suggest cancelling knowing it would upset OPs own DCs.

Is this his sisters child by any chance? I read your post about uour dh being disappointed and it seems ridiculously common that sons get little to no help with childcare fdom grandparents whilst adult dd get loads. I also read your update about the childs behaviour no way, no how would I be going on holiday with a badly behaved child. I wouldnt want to deal with another child's behaviour destroying my family holiday let alone subject my kids to behaviour issuses like that. Contact the owners of the property and tell them what's happened and apologise profusely that you were not aware of this but you are now over numbers. Hopefully they will cancel it.

op this is really difficult.

You know, there is the option to say No, sorry, I'm not coming, this is not As Advertised.

It would be tough - but nothing like this would happen again.

Also - could you please press 'quote' on the comment that you're responding to? Otherwise we can't see who you're talkiing to.

You’re being silly

the granny just wants all her grandchildren with her

you are foolish to feel jealous

I have a holiday cottage, maximum occupancy is strictly adhered to because otherwise it’s classed as a safety hazard and my insurance would be invalid. I would be seriously unimpressed if anyone turned up declaring that they were bringing a camper van for additional people to sleep in at the property without prior agreement.

Isnt it Bizarre

Then granny can book, organise and pay for her own holiday with all the grandchildren and not just gatecrash one of them into someone else's.

It was her idea.

It was her holiday.

She invited OP and her family.

She then invited another grandchild too, not realising it would cause such an issue and then said she regretted it when she realised it had.

Why didn’t you say something to them at the time?

Just uninvite PILs, as you booked and paid for it?
They don't give a fuck about your opinion or wellbeing, so just go with DH and your 3 DC?