AIBU to feel like my holiday has been ruined before we’ve even gone?

[Heathercost]

AIBU to feel like my holiday has been ruined before we’ve even gone?
My husband’s mum and her partner suggested that we all book a cottage in Wales together because they said they wanted to spend some proper time with us as a family.
We booked the cottage for me, my husband, our three children, his mum and her partner. It only sleeps seven, so it was booked for exactly the seven of us.
His mum has now invited another child to come for the whole holiday. Because the cottage only sleeps seven, her partner is now going to sleep in their camper van at night so that the child can take her place inside the cottage.
What makes this harder for me is that his mum and her partner don’t spend a huge amount of time with our three children. They already spend far more time with the child they have invited and are very close to her.
This holiday was their idea. They were the ones who said they wanted to go away with us and spend time with our family. I work full time and have very limited annual leave, so taking a week off is a big thing for me. It now feels as though I’m using that precious time on a holiday that has been completely changed from what I agreed to.
I had already made it clear that I didn’t want anyone else coming. I had also specifically spoken about our last family camping trip and how badly that went.
On that trip, several adults essentially dropped their children at the campsite and then went off to enjoy a relaxing week themselves. The children were left crammed into everybody else’s tents and camper vans, and the adults who had actually stayed at the campsite ended up looking after them all.
I had already said I did not want to be put in that position again. I had that conversation only weeks before this happened, which is partly why I feel so ignored.
The child was asked if she wanted to come and initially said no. I thought that should have been the end of it. Instead, it was brought up again, and she eventually agreed. His mum and partner now feels guilty and wishes they didn’t invite her but it’s done now.
I even suggested that they could simply explain that they had spoken to me and, because of my health and everything that has happened recently, I really needed the holiday to be focused on spending time with my own children. They chose not to do that.
I have PoTS and reactive hypoglycaemia and struggle with dizziness, blackouts, weakness, fatigue and my heart rate shooting up when I stand.
More recently, I was taken into hospital with stroke-like symptoms, including slurred speech, numbness and weakness down one side. Thankfully, a stroke was ruled out, but I’m still experiencing weakness in my arm and leg and problems with my speech at times. I’m now waiting for neurological investigations and neuro physiotherapy.
After such a frightening and exhausting time, I genuinely needed this break. I wanted to use my limited time away from work to spend time with my husband and children, and I hoped the children would finally get some proper time with their grandparents too.
Instead, I now feel as though the focus will mainly be on the child they have invited, because she is the child they already spend the most time with. They have changed the sleeping arrangements and moved one of the original adults out of the cottage to make sure she can come.
It isn’t that I dislike the child, because I don’t, and none of this is her fault. My issue is entirely with the adults. They invited another child onto a holiday that was already full, despite knowing I didn’t want anyone else coming and despite the fact that this was supposed to be their opportunity to spend time with us and our children.
I’m also worried that I’ll end up helping to look after her. If she becomes upset, plays up, wants to go home or needs lots of attention, it will affect the entire holiday. If there are any major problems, her mum will need to come and collect her. I cannot take responsibility for another child while managing my health and looking after my own three.
I feel like I have no choice but to go, put a smile on my face and make sure my children have a lovely time. They’ve been looking forward to it and would be devastated if we cancelled. It wouldn’t be fair for them to lose their holiday because of a decision they had no part in.
But for me, it no longer feels like the holiday I agreed to use my annual leave for. I’m not looking forward to it anymore. It feels like a waste of the very limited time I get off work, and I feel resentful, anxious and hurt that the one boundary I clearly set was ignored.
I’ve decided that after this I won’t agree to any more family holidays, camping trips or similar gatherings, because I don’t trust that the same thing wouldn’t happen again.
AIBU to feel this was unfair, particularly when the holiday was their idea because they claimed they wanted to spend time with us and our children?

No, you are the only one being silly here.

I know it would be difficult but I just wouldn’t go. I would rather spend time with my own family doing day trips than putting up with someone else’s miserable child. Why put yourself through that?

It might be her idea but it is certainly not her holiday. How dis she invite OP’s family if OP and her H are the ones paying for all of it, including MIL and her partner’s share?

With all of the reasons you have listed OP, and since you have been very open about your feelings, I think I would be saying your in laws aren't invited and go on the holiday with just the children and DH. It's not OK to be continually railroaded into a situation you have explicitly tried to avoid, especially at your own cost. I understand your MIL is probably trying to help her daughter, the child does sound challanging but it is your choice whether you want to take up some of the burden of this, and you are totally reasonable to not want to. You drew the boundaries after the last disaster so this shouldn't come as a shock to the other parties. What is completely unreasonable is them forcing a situation on you that you are actively trying to avoid.

You really do need to be assertive. Or your DH needs to be assertive.

Try harder.

TELL them that due to your health you cannot have another child in the house. It is not a question of "well we have invited her". Its NOT happening and is not negotiable.

TELL them that they either tell the child's parents that she cannot go or they book themselves a 3 bedroom cottage if they cannot uninvite her.

Make it very clear that if they turn with this child they're not staying!!

If your health has been that bad then put your foot down!!

Sorry if already said I’m late to the thread. I stead of you not going tell them they are coming if they insist on brining her, or just no to all three and go have a lovely time with your family.

Due to your health condition you can't be responsible for someone else's child so either the child doesn't come or you pull out of the holiday altogether.

I'm not sure if you said whether the cottage could be cancelled and you can get your money back. See what the terms and conditions are.

I think I would absolutely definitely NOT go if the child is going to be there because it's setting a very clear boundary. The problem is you agreed to a holiday with these in-laws when they'd also done something similar before on the other camping holiday. They should have had one chance and that should have been it, though I can understand you thinking this time would be different.
It can't happen ever again and I would refuse to book any holidays with them EVER again.

What's a good way to put it? You've haven't quoted the post you're replying to.

I'd definitely cancel and do something just you, DH, and your kids.

This.

No where does it say that OP and DH are paying for MILs and her DP share??

And OP has said more than once that it was MILs idea and that she invited them.

As she invited them, she probably thought nothing of the other grandchild who doesn’t have siblings to go away with.

Hi, not read all responses. It's awful having something like this happen. Nip it in the bud. Holidays are precious pockets of family time. Tell MIL to either uninvite the terror of the DN; don't come, or reimburse you for your portion and you do something as a family unit. Good luck x

No, read the OP properly. Granny suggested it then OP did all the donkey work ie booked and paid for the cottage. So it's not her ie gran's holiday at all.

If you have paid for it then just your family go. Tell the grandparents that they are all uninvited.

They ran roughshod right over your boundary, not once but twice! I would say that as this is your only holiday, you've paid for it, you'll go on your own with DH and the kids. They can go somewhere else with your niece. Don't accept this - you made it clear - they didn't give a shit.

If your DH is on the same page, that's much easier. Otherwise there's a problem here

As you have paid for it can you tell them they’re no longer invited and you just go as a family? That’s what I’d do if you don’t want to waste the money or miss out on the holiday. Do they already have the address of where you’re going?

@Heathercost I would also be annoyed. My Dd has PoTS so I appreciate how debilitating this condition can be and you need a break not extra people and extra responsibility.

Ask the holiday let if they are allowed to turn up with a camper van and have an extra person in there. Tell them to put the ‘no’ in writing and also a no to having more than the maximum 7 occupancy. Forward email to Grandparents.

OP's PILs suggested the holiday (with no mention of her DH's niece coming) but OP booked the accommodation and paid for everything.

As OP has booked and paid for everything, she is perfectly within her rights to tell her PILs that if they insist on bring their older grandaughter, they are no longer invited.

OP can then have a nice holiday with her DH and her own children without having to worry about an out-of-control much older child who is often violent.

This is a good point. Most holiday cottages only have insurance to cover the number of beds in the property. Have a look at the small print in your Ts&Cs

If your PIL have invited another child along, you've explained how you feel and it's all been ignored. You tell your husband and PIL that you won't be responsible for the child in any way. They invited the child, all whilst knowing you needed a rest and that you weren't happy about it. So the onus is now on them to look after her for the duration of the holiday.

If the above is met with horror, or they try to palm her off on you, simply say 'Not my doing, not my responsibility' and walk away.

Going forward, don't book holidays with your PIL again.

It wasn't her money though. It was OP's money that paid for it. And she wouldn't have done so if she knew that this violent grandchild was included.

I have been clicking quote each time. I’m so sorry guys. That’s super confusing! I’ve clicked quote agajn on this. See if it works

It does say up thread that it was OPs family who paid for the cottage therefore how can one be invited to a holiday they have paid for?? Also there was no mention of the SILs child to be a part of the initial holiday planning, hence there’s no sleeping provision for her at the cottage and one person is to sleep in a camper van.

I think you need to make a stand here, OP, even if it causes a big upset. Firmly tell them the holiday is off if this child comes. Then see it through.

100% this. Your decision is that the extra child (that was not included) is not coming. They however are still welcome. The fact that the T&C do not allow an extra is irrelevant. Stick to your guns Op.