AIBU to be upset by my partner talking about craving younger women?

[Frenchlady14]

My DP and I have been together for six years - we met on a dating site although we knew each other because we live in the same area and have some same friends. He is a year older than me and we are in our sixties = we don't live together but see each other at least once during the week and every weekend. I think I look ok for my age and we make a nice couple. Anyway he has made some comments in the past about me being lucky he doesn't have a mid-life crisis and 'chase younger women' and I said if that is what he wants to do - then go for it! These kind of remarks do annoy me a bit but generally he's a great boyfriend.

But yesterday evening - kind of out of nowhere when we were having a quick drink - he looked at me and said that he could really understand how men of his age can crave a younger women. I got really upset and told him to go home - he thinks I'm overreacting - am I?

He knows exactly what hes doing, hes trying to chip away at your confidence so you accept his shitty behaviours and are too afraid to move on from him because he has you believing you're lucky to have him. As if he's some sort of prize😡

There's no room for this sort of behaviour in a loving relationship. You're supposed to build the person you love up, after all this is the person you've chosen to link yourself to and spend your time with.

If this is how hes behaving now while things are good and you're in good health I would seriously question how he'd behave if times got harder. He's shown you who he is and now you need to decide if you can trust him anymore. The loneliest place in the world is living with someone who doesnt care for you or respect you.

Protect yourself, this type of abuse is slow and steady. They start with small comments like this, gaslight you into believing its no big deal and then ramp it up, again and again, until you no longer recognise the person you're with.

OP sorry if this seems a bit harsh but from your last post he seems to regard you as some sort of secretary/carer. He’s mentioned this thing about younger women several times, but the last comment was really insulting - looking straight at you while saying he can understand the ‘craving’.

Apart from the fact that it’s insulting and hurtful, I would also be worried that he’s trying to condition you for when he either suggests it, or it happens. For that reason I wouldn’t trust him as far as I could throw him. You can do much better than this.

no need to insult people just because you are bitter. The OP's partner is being a dick, but it's not necessary to start insult "much younger women", is it.

Eh, no! He sounds awful. Let him go creep out someone else. And, his telling you you are beautiful every time he sees you sounds like overkill too. He doesn't sound very sincere.

Also, please tell him he can't have a 'mid-life crisis' in his 60s unless he is expecting to live to his 120s!

The first post nailed it, tbh. I hope you’re ok, and that you’ve made the decision to get rid of this horrible man - life is too short to be made to feel bad by anyone else.

Ugh. The sheer arrogance and self regard of older men of that generation. I just couldn’t be with a misogynist in the first place. That is what he is. He objectifies and sexualises women to titillate himself. Letchy old fucker. Bin bin bin.

Why can't you just look how you look for your age?? Why younger better prettier ?? Fuck this op get rid of him bit also work on changing your headset.

Nope. In the bin with him.

I'm the same age as you @Frenchlady14 I know I am not in the same shape I was but I am amazed at what my body has come through and love it for still being here as a result.

Don't let this pissweasel destroy your confidence.

He's not sounding any better. A drinker and a sleeze.

I too think he's negging you. Watch out op you don't need this in your life !

Never underestimate the confidence of a mediocre man 😎

Of course he finds younger women more attractive, they are more attractive. Anybody who thinks otherwise is kidding themselves.

Sadly the dynamic seems to be younger women finding older men more attractive.

He could have kept his gob shut to stop him sounding like a perv... It's the word crave that did it for me... Dirty old man talk.

Bin him.

Dont get past it !
get rid and be free of him for good.

He is rebalancing the scales since he feels “one down” and that you have too much power over him with all your help with language/medical stuff. He love bombed and flattered you for a while but now he wants to bring you down a peg so you don’t get too uppity.

You deserve better than him.Tell you crave a wonderful man who is caring and loving and while he is on his way out he can leave ny keys he has.

He should be your ex

I disagree. Attractiveness is so much more than just physical, and a woman who knows her own mind, has a vibrant personality, and sparkling intellect, is so much more interesting and attractive, whatever her age, than a person, who just happens to be younger. Being reduced to one's age is just another way of minmising women. And, the OP's partner is clearly doing that.

I’d imagine plenty of men in their sixties find younger women attractive (and some will crave them) it’s not unusual, and there’s probably research suggesting it fits certain evolutionary/biological patterns.
But saying it directly to you was incredibly tactless.
He’s either socially inept or deliberately trying to undermine you.

You’ll get a lot of Mumsnet posters calling it disgusting, but that’s mainly because socially adept men understand how inappropriate it is and don’t voice it.

I was going to say something like this.

Realistically, a friend is someone who you have fun with and who you leave feeling good about yourself and the world around you. This guy isn’t a friend because you don’t feel good.

Daft, deluded fool.

That’s not insulting much younger women.

He's a misogynist. You're "lucky" he doesn't "chase" younger women. He expects that some random stranger "has" a sister "for him", and feels free to say so. He normalises men "craving" younger women - no specific women with any other identifiable qualities except sex and relative age.

He doesn't think women have agency at all. He may sometimes interact with you as if he thinks you're human, but ultimately women are objects to him, important mainly for their use value to him and available at his whim. Why voluntarily associate with someone who categorically can't see you as an equal - especially in such a close, intimate relationship?

Only you can decide, but it's completely understandable that these comments bother you so much you can't keep dismissing them, especially when he stands behind them with the classic claim that you're misunderstanding or overreacting but he won't reconsider his attitudes or even his speech when he knows how much they bother you and is told specifically why they sound so awful. If you've left him, it was for good reason.

There isn’t a dynamic of younger women finding much older men attractive.

https://www.appstate.edu/~steelekm/classes/psy3100/Documents/buunk2001.pdf

Women tend to find men their own age and up to 10 years older most attractive.

I know that, you know that... Men are programmed to spread seed. I'm 50, men find me attractive, and don't crave * which I think is the optimum word here - younger women, but of course they'll find them more physically attractive.

There's no point denying biology, however, a genuinely mature man would not even mention it, let alone be as crass as to say crave. Hence bin him.

You are hoping it’s just men of his generation that are like this. Your agism is a comfort to you at the moment. Ho hum, trouble ahead…