To be hurt I’m not invited to the whole of my friend’s 50th?

[ArcanaQueen]

I’m part of a 6 women friendship group. The group has quite a strong identity, we always meet for each other’s birthdays and we go away for a weekend together every year. One of the group is having a glamping/camping party for her 50th. It has become apparent that while I’m only invited for the Saturday night, the rest of the friendship group is invited for Friday and Saturday nights. I get that she and I aren’t as close as some of the relationships in the group. She sent me a text saying do I mind just coming on Saturday as she’s trying to keep numbers low for Friday. AIBU to feel quite hurt? Saturday night is the main party night with more people coming so perhaps I should just feel happy with that, and ordinarily I would if it wasn’t for the friend group context re. the Friday night, which just feels a bit “ouch”.

And this advice is terrible too. Way to stoop to an even lower level.

of course thats why I was calling it childish :D

Except the “cheeky cunt” didn’t ask her to bring the cake - another friend asked that. I get the feeling OP is drip feeding pieces of info for maximum impact

I’d just message back saying can’t make the Saturday, and don’t give any reason. Then step away and leave them all to it.

I never understand why people do this. It turns a celebration into something mean-spirited, leaving a sour taste in the mouth. What difference would one extra friend make on the Friday night. The damage is done now. The spell is broken and this friendship group will take a permanent hit because of her partisan behaviour.

Totally agree. Its nasty, hurtful, and bizarrely unkind behaviour to exclude one person from an existing friendship group.

Noone has to invite everyone to everything but to exclude one friend in particular when everyone else is coming is just cruel.

I would be stepping back from this person as I would assume she has some kind of problem with you (jealousy etc)

I'm in a friendship group of 6 women too and I would be upset by this.

Naturally, some in the group are closer to each other than others. However, we don't rub anyone's face in this by only inviting some and not others to group events! I think your friend is being very rude.

It’s really mean to exclude one person from a group of six. If she was really counting numbers she could have said three on Friday and three on Saturday. Or none of you on the Friday. I would message her and say you are not available for Saturday and have a nice time. Do something nice with the kids. And later tell her how hurt you were to be the only one of your group excluded.

I’d probably make some excuse for not going on the Saturday and not say anything else. I’d clock it and keep it in the back of my mind for the future . Just rise above it. If anyone makes a comment to you about missing the Saturday just say oh? I didn’t think I’d be missed?
It’s horrible when the kids are disappointed though . I would not be picking up the cake under any circumstances.

I would say now it won’t be possible for you to get the cake as you have plans during the day Saturday. I wouldn’t turn up on the Saturday evening with my two. If asked why you didn’t manage to go I’d keep my response very light and breezy to everyone. Keep her at arms length forever.

This would be my response. Afraid I would be happy to burn bridges as it clearly indicates I am somehow considered lesser. I’d be quitting the group via any whatsapps etc too. It wouldn’t feel the same again after this snub. It also, almost feels as though, you have to earn your place to be there by fetching the cake, so i wouldn’t be doing that either.

Given the background of losing your children’s father and the remarriage, i think this sounds very petty and playground level. Am actually very angry for you.

But withdrawing from the group may not be the right course for you, so do what you feel you must.

Simpling you? 😕

What did you reply to the friend who asked you to bring the cake?

I’d probably send her a message back saying that you were hurt to be excluded and then being asked to pick up the cake because you’ve been excluded is a bit of an extra kick in the teeth so you won’t be doing it.

Then consider whether you want to go at all.

I’d be hurt too and unsure how much of a big deal I’d want to make of it but would not be picking up the cake.

This nails it @arcanaqueen

Actually this might be better than what I suggested.

Holy shit - ive just read they asked you to pick up the cake too?

Fuck that. I wouldnt be going, and I certainly wouldnt be picking up some stupid cake either. Good grief, the cheek of them.

I love this and would go with that!
I hate 2 tiered events.

Perception of friendship strength is not always even on both sides.

Things will obviously change now. But there is no reason for you not to go on Saturday if you wanted to. Recognise that you aren't as close as your thought. I wouldn't pick up the cake- as that's something a close friend would do- be busy then.

This gives you a chance to seek new friendships. Maybe even shake up the group of 6 and have a smaller gathering with the people you are closer to and mix in some other friends.

Time for a change.

Mmmm, I’m inclined to agree!

Brilliant response.
Do it @ArcanaQueen
And if it was me, I can guarantee you I would re-post her text message to you on to your group chat, allowing the other friends in the group to see it, and then post the response from @Shedmistress underneath it.
What a thoughtless and selfish woman she is. You won't enjoy the Saturday evening now anyway, knowing you've been excluded from half of it.

My kids have had this recently but I am so sad to hear that this happens with grown ups. No wonder kids struggle seeing this behaviour at home...

I don't think I would go at all. I would come up with an excuse (not brave enough to say how hurt I am)

But it says something about the group. They seem to accept this behaviour and I am not sure if I could be part of that either.

Hopefully you get to know the real reasons for this poor behaviour from them all

Ouch. I'd be a no for that chore.

Yes, while I think be kind can easily be overdone this is a really straightforward situation where you’d really have hoped someone at 50 could be a little kinder :(

On reflection, although my first inclination might have been not to go, I agree. 'When they go low, you go high' might be a more appropriate. Then, if she's hoping to create a division in the group, she will be disappointed.

I suspect the divisions are already there, however.

As someone who is actually autistic. I would be overthinking and probably inviting more than I could - to make sure I did not accidentally upset someone. Which in my experience is far more common an approach for neurodiverse women! The path of people pleasing.

@ArcanaQueen Can you and your kids join your DH and his?

Then, oh dear, double booked.

She will know it's a lie - but I wouldn't put any effort in now for one night, knowing you specifically from your friends had been excluded.

Or just go off and do your own thing with your kids.

I wouldn't let them be classed as less.